Mixed Feelings

BY : Panduki
Category: X-Men - Animated Series (all) > Slash - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 1441
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution or any characters contained therein and no profit/money is being made from this story, much as it would be delightful to! My OC, Kiro (a.k.a "Ghost"), however, is definitely mine!

Author's Note: Welcome to my story! Please read, enjoy (hopefully!) and review!

"That's awesome! That is so cool!" Kitty gushed, as she watched Hank, Logan, Scott and Jean work with quiet efficiency. They soon had Kiro's bed broken down and moved out of Kurt's room, returned to basement storage downstairs, while Ororo, Kurt, and Kiro worked to push Kurt's bed back to its usual spot in the center of the wall, now flanked by two nightstands instead of just one. "Only if you don't mind waking up covered in blue fur every morning," Kurt chimed in, before shrugging, "Which neither of us do," he said with a toothy grin.

Kitty couldn't help it, she was grinning to. It felt like they had Kurt, the "real" Kurt, back with them again, for the first time in a couple weeks. It was almost enough to forget how terrifying he had been, how frightened she was. Frightened that she had just watched Kurt strangle Lance. A man she had once thought she loved, right before her eyes. And he looked HAPPY doing it. The memory made her grin falter, and her hands tremble.

'Kitty, please, relax,' Jean said, a warm presence in her mind when she felt Jean's hand on her shoulder, back from helping to tidy away the spare bed that had been Kiro's for a brief month. 'He's better now, he really is,' she added with a smile.

Kitty nodded, saying aloud, though barely above a whisper, "I know, but, like, it's still worrying." She folded her arms across her stomach, almost as though she were cold, while she watched Ororo and Kiro finish changing the linens and make the bed fresh. Ororo was saying something about her garden, and 'borrowing' Kiro for a bit to help settle in a new rosebush while they fluffed up the pillows, but Kitty was only half listening. Kurt had gone out to the balcony for some "fresh air," which Kitty couldn't blame him after being down in detention for a week.

Outside, the ground was covered in a foot and a half of snow, and a soft mist of snow was falling even now as Kurt perched on his usual spot on the balcony railing, gazing out over the trees and the distant bay beyond them. The sky was overcast, and had begun to grow darker as the sun had started to set beyond the bay. Ororo finally called over, "Alright Kurt, everything's all set. Dinner will be in an hour, and you're welcome to join us," she said kindly. Kurt looked over his shoulder at her and flashed a bright grin, giving a thumbs up, "You got it, 'Ro!"

There, under his voice, was the slightest current of nervousness. Uncertainty. Ororo's smile softened, and she simply mouthed towards him, 'I know, it's alright,' before she said in a more normal tone, "Great! I'm sure everyone will be delighted." She then gave Kiro a warm hug, before stepping back towards the door where Kitty and Jean had been talking. After a quiet word from Ororo, the three ladies stepped back and shut the door quietly behind them, leaving Kurt and Kiro alone. Kurt felt Kiro at his side a moment before Kiro's arm gently slipped around his waist, and Kurt smiled as his arm draped around Kiro's shoulders and his tail slipped around Kiro's hips in turn as the other boy leaned on the railing. "I missed you, mein engel, so very much," Kurt whispered, shivering softly as Kiro's warmth and pleasure, so long unfelt, washed through him once again for the second time that day. "I'm sorry for.. for almost.." he began, but stopped when he felt Kiro put a finger, gently but firmly, over his lips. He sighed with a small smile, and kissed Kiro's finger as Kiro just glared up at him, a smile on his lips as well. Apologies, and talking, could wait. Their first therapy session (Kurt cringed at the thought), was on Monday afternoon after school, 5 PM, in one of the private studies here at the mansion. The professor had assured him that Dr. Lluy was completely trustworthy, and that she was one of his personal friends and colleagues over many years, but he was still nervous.

Kurt was private by nature, reserved, and the professor had always respected it, until now. But Kurt knew he was right. He did have problems. No matter how much he had lied to others, and even convinced himself, that he didn't. He had them. And it was time to deal with them, even as he helped Kiro deal with his own assault, experienced so recently. Kurt shivered, and smiled, as he felt Kiro's hand gently stroking along his tail, as it curled around his waist, and looked down to meet Kiro's gaze, as his lover smiled up at him with those violet eyes. "Just thinking, mein engel," he explained, needlessly. "Why don't we, um, go down to the rec room while we wait for dinner?" He offered. Kiro smiled, and leaned up to gently kiss Kurt on the lips, before he nodded.


"Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat!" Jamie said, and after a small round of chuckles at his "short but sweet" prayer, a chorus of "amens" went around the table as heads were raised and the meal began. Kurt and Kiro were once again at the table, and the relief could be felt through the room as the two sat side by side. Smiling and chatting (in Kurt's case) and seeming quite normal. Not entirely, there were moments where Kurt seemed to falter, or Kiro flinched, when Kitty touched his side with her elbow accidentally, but for the most part, they were all just happy to be together again.

The professor's announcement earlier had been unecessary, but still welcome, when he pointed out the obvious fact that Kurt was now with them at dinner again, and that he had "Made exemplary progress in his recovery." It was so polite, and respectful. It almost minimized the terrifying rampage that several of the students had witnessed (but kept completely silent about, at the professor's urging) barely a week ago. But the rest of the students had accepted it with cheers, convinced that Kurt had simply had a nervous breakdown and ran off in a huff, while the police (on their own) had tracked down Lance Alvers after connecting him to the scene of Kiro's imprisonment. The professor normally did not like lying, even half-truths, but in this case, he felt it was the best of both worlds. A necessary evil, not unlike when he had tampered with peoples' memories to disguise their mutant identities when required.

They normally did not have a family meal on Saturday evening, and this one had been optional, but the professor had been surprised, and delighted, to see most of the students here with them, especially when they had learned that Kurt was now out of detention and apparently doing a lot better. Jubilee had even offered to have a movie night afterwards, earning her a cheer from around the table, and she soon began chatting excitedly with Amara, probably cooking up a plan of attack as far as a movie was concerned.

Once the dinner had ended, though, Kurt and Kiro politely declined the movie to Jubilee when she approached them for input. "I'm sorry, Jubes," Kurt said with a blush, "I've just.. it's been really difficult lately, and, I just want to spend some quiet time with mein engel," he explained. Jubilee quirked a brow at him and gave a wry smirk, the Asian girl teasing him playfully, "Uh huh, say no more, loverboy."

But she had let them off with a hug each, and soon joined the rest of them in the rec room to browse the selection of movies on offer. Since the plan was kind of spontaneous, she hadn't been able to go out and rent ahead of time. Kurt and Kiro walked down the hall, hand in hand, as Kurt whispered, "Was there, um, anything you wanted to do, mein engel?" Kiro squeezed his hand in reply, though he shook his head. It seemed that just being together was enough, as the two made their way up the stairs toward their room. That was good enough for Kurt, though, and he found himself smiling at the thought of just relaxing together, finally, and holding one another in the same bed.


Kurt came awake with a start, and looked around. The room was dark and quiet, his golden eyes piercing the gloom. Nothing. Just him and..

There was no one beside him.

He blinked and sat up in alarm. "Kiro??" He whispered, and looked around once again. Nothing. The door was closed. Locked. He slipped out of the bed, and realized there was a light coming from under the bathroom door. There was a soft sound coming from the other side. A muffled sound. Almost like..

"Oh Gott.." Kurt whispered, and ran to the door, throwing it open. He turned, and then froze at what he saw.

Lance was there, shoving Kiro's head against the shower wall, as he bent the boy over from the waist. He slammed into him from behind savagely, laughter in his eyes, as the shower rained down on them from above, washing away Kiro's tears from his clenched eyes. A knife was in his other hand, lazily carving letters on Kiro's back, "BITCH"... even as they healed before Kurt's eyes.

"Nein!! NEIN!!!!!!!!!" Kurt yelled out, and surged forward with a snarl...

Only to roll out of bed and land rather painfully on the floor, but not before he bumped his head on the nightstand. Well, the pain was good, because it helped him wake up. He kicked the tangled bedcovers off of his legs and freed his tail as he lurched to his feet, and looked around.

Oh no. The room was dark once again, and the bed was empty. Except that the bathroom door was slightly open, and the sound of the shower running could be heard. That must have been what influenced his nightmare. Hopefully he wasn't still having one, he thought darkly, and slowly walked to the door, carefully pushing it open as he felt his heart race.

At first, he didn't see anything through the steam. The water was hot, really hot, and Kurt had to strain his eyes. He didn't see anyone standing in the shower. Strange. No, wait.

Kiro sat in the tub, huddled over, hugging his knees to his chest, crying silently as the  shower's water hit him. Kurt's touch on his shoulder made him flinch away, and Kiro silently shook his head, over and over, huddling further against the back of the tub. "Mein engel, please, it's me," Kurt said over the sound of the running water. But again, Kiro shook his head, huddling deeper into himself, shying away from Kurt's touch.

Kurt suddenly felt afraid. Terrified, in fact. Had he hurt Kiro somehow? Had he.. done something while he was asleep, maybe? Gone into that terrifying rage again..? Kiro had no obvious marks on him, but there wouldn't be any, would there, with as fast as Kiro healed. Kurt remembered his nightmare with a sudden tremble, and he frantically wracked his mind before sending out a call for help. The thought of possibly hurting Kiro was etched into his cry.

'Professor, professor please!!' Kurt called, and was surprised when the professor immediately answered, 'I'm already outside your door, Kurt. Please, let me in.' Kurt felt a wash of relief, even as he wondered how the professor had already sensed there was trouble, and immediately stood to dash out of the bathroom and over to the door. He didn't even realize, until after his trembling hands had fumbled with the bolt and it was opened, that he was still naked. He and Kiro had taken to sleeping naked together once more, as Kiro seemed to enjoy the feel of Kurt's fur on his skin, and he had thought it would help Kiro sleep tonight. Apparently, he had been wrong.

"He's in the shower," Kurt said, his voice quivering as he realized he was already on the verge of tears again, sick with worry and fear. The professor rolled into Kurt's room and shut the door softly behind him, before he led the way into the bathroom. He said nothing aloud, but Kurt could tell from a quick glance at his face that Charles was concentrating, perhaps trying to reach out to Kiro's mind without having to touch him.

Unfortunately he did not seem to be having much success. "Kurt," the professor said softly, "Shut off the water." Kurt did so, leaving them in silence and wreathed in steam except for the soft sound of the vent fan above them, and Kiro's labored, panicked breathing. Kurt realized, his tail lashing in worry, that Kiro was in the midst of a panic attack. Not unlike the occasional ones Kurt had suffered when he first came here. "Kiro, I'm sorry, but I must touch you," the professor said softly, and Kurt felt his heart wrench at the sight of Kiro shaking his head and huddling deeper into himself. But the professor reached forward and gently rested a hand on one of Kiro's, and despite the boy flinching, he did not fight back. He didn't lash out at all. He just shuddered, and retreated deeper into his mind. Even as Kurt watched it happen, he felt a deep well of anger toward Lance once again. Lance, who had done this to him.. if only he had..

'Kurt, don't, Kiro needs you here right now,' the professor sent a quick thought his way, though most of his attention was clearly on Kiro. While Kurt watched, trembling and feeling useless, he saw Kiro's body gradually relax. Slowly, he stopped trembling. Slowly, too slowly, his lover grew limp against the back of the tub, and finally slumped over against the wall. The professor let out a slow breath as his eyes opened, and he shook his head, "It's done. He's resting, now."

Under the professor's careful instructions, Kurt gently lifted Kiro's body from the tub while the professor took their towels down off the rack, and walked with the professor to their bed, where Charles laid out their towels over the sheets. Kiro's body was gently placed there, and Kurt and the professor worked to gently dry Kiro's nude flesh from the shower. Kurt shivered at how hot the water had been. "Almost hot enough to scald him," he whispered as they worked, steam wafting off of Kiro's body. The professor nodded sadly.

"Do not worry, Kurt," he said softly, "You didn't do anything wrong. This.. this was all residual, from.. from the attacks," the professor explained. Kurt looked up from where he was running a towel through Kiro's hair, and his golden eyes were filled with pain. "When you.. broadcast your nightmare, I was already on my way here. I had received small flashes from Kiro, but it's still so difficult to reach his mind from a distance," the professor continued. "All I knew was that he was in great anguish. But I had no idea," he shook his head, "Just how bad it was. I think your counseling together could not come soon enough," the professor said with a sigh. The thought of two of the most gentle students at the institute, hurting like this. It made him, too, feel like a failure. He was supposed to guide them, protect them, nurture their growth as young men and women and peaceful ambassadors and protectors between humans and mutants.

"What was wrong, professor?" Kurt asked, as he ran a hand across Kiro's white hair, sitting beside him now on the bed. Charles rubbed his forehead  and thought for a moment before he explained, "He felt.. filthy. Unworthy of your touch. He felt, soiled. Ruined, perhaps, by what had been done to him. That was why he couldn't bear the thought of even you touching him. He actually blames himself somehow for all of this. For causing you, and everyone, so much pain," the professor said, a pained note in his voice. "He cares so much for everyone. The thought that you were hurt, driven so close to almost killing someone, comitting such a moral sin, because of anguish over him, well, he didn't know what to do. He tried to wash it all away, but no matter how hot the water was, he still felt dirty," the professor explained. There was a halting tone in his voice as he worked to sort through what he had felt from Kiro's mind. Kiro's thoughts were different than others, in a subtle way. He didn't think in words of his own, as much as he thought in feelings, ideas, images, snippets of memory or occasional recalled conversations from someone else.

"Oh Gott," Kurt whispered, and he held Kiro's head in his lap, continuing to stroke his hair. "Kurt, you and he are so much alike," the professor said quietly. "You both love deeply, and care for others so much. But you mustn't blame yourselves. Not for anything that someone else does." Kurt nodded, another tear running down his cheek as he looked down at Kiro's sleeping face. So peaceful, now. He only hoped he stayed that way for a while.

The day had gone so well, before.

Kurt and Kiro had lounged quietly in their bed on Saturday evening, channel surfing on the television and watching nothing in particular. Just being together. They had eventually slept, woken only a couple of times due to nightmares, and woken up early this morning. Sunday morning. This time they did not go to Mass, but they did pray together in the little alcove downstairs with a statue of the Virgin Mary in it, where Kiro frequently went to pray or read during the weekends, or sometimes on sleepless nights.

The rest of the day had been spent quietly walking around outside, having a playful snowball fight with some of the other students, and eventually walking through the woods until they were sitting together in the little riverside clearing they had first kissed in. A special place for them. The river beside them was full of snow and slush, but still gurgled softly, peacefully. Kiro had kissed him again, there, after they had sat together in intimate silence, holding one another, and Kurt felt hope that things might just be alright.

Then tonight had happened. Kurt wiped a tear before he felt the professor's touch on his arm.

"He will sleep until morning, now," the professor said with a nod, "And I think you should try to do the same, Kurt. It'll be your first day back in school after a week away, after all," he added with a kind smile. "Your first day back in school, together." Kurt surprised himself with a wry, pained smile, before he responded, "Ja, and then we get to go see the shrink afterwards. Yay." His voice was so sarcastic that Charles couldn't help but chuckle softly. "Dr. Lluy is more than just a 'shrink,' Kurt. She is a dear friend of mine. And I hope she will become one for you and Kiro as well. She is a kind, gentle, and very wise woman, who knows what you two are going through. Give her a chance," Charles said, and Kurt nodded on the bed with a reluctant, but earnest smile. "I will, professor. For Kiro, and for you." At the professor's look, he smiled again and added, "And yes, for myself."

"Alright then, back to bed for both of you," he commanded gently, and Kurt assented, surprising himself with a yawn. "Good night, professor," he said, slipping carefully under the covers beside Kiro.

"Good night, Kurt. Kiro," the professor replied, before rolling back over to the door, switching off the light for them, and heading back out into the hall before shutting the door softly behind him.

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