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THE MONSTER	By : KerwinLS Category: X-men Comics > Slash - Male/Male Views: 1610 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men or its characters. I make no money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-THE MONSTER
- 1
THE MONSTER
Set directly after Ultimate X-Men Annual #2
German Translations at the end.

“The Professor doesn’t want us in here and I don’t even know if you can hear me anyway, so I’ll make this quick. I know what it’s like to grow up being a mutant. To have people treat you a certain way just because you’re different. I know about the ridicule, the isolation. I know that it must be especially hard when you look different too. People who judged you just by the way you look, they probably thought you were a monster. I just wanted to say that after being in your head, seeing what you really are, on the inside, I KNOW you’re a monster.”
I feel the tears run down my face and realize I can not only hear, but I can also cry.
Ja, of course, I am a monster! It takes vun to know vun, doesn’t it, Rogue? It is not vhat ve look like, it is vhat ve are, vunce Weapon X gets finished vith us. But I must not think about that. I vill instead think of how much it hurts that you vould say such a thing as that to me. You, who should know better than to speak such a truth out loud in anger.
Vhat did I do to Ali that vas so awful, compared to the things that ve both have done in the past? Yes, I tricked her and hid her avay. But did I hurt her? No. I vanted only time for her to get to know me, to try to vin her love. Did I tie her up? Did I starve her? Did I force myself upon her? No. I only vanted her love.
Maybe I tried in a wrong vay. Maybe you cannot force somevun to love you. Maybe somevun who hates himself cannot force somevun else to love him. Maybe I am not vorthy of anyvun’s love.
Oh yes, Rogue, I am a monster, but you do not even begin to know the reason vhy. Neither does Professor Xavier. He is a good man, but there are things a good man simply cannot comprehend, much less have the means to fix.
The Professor may think I am totally out of it, but I am not. There are things I keep from him, and he does not even know it. I don’t understand exactly how I do it, but I learned it during my time at Veapon X, may they all rot in Hell for eternity! I had to, or I vould not have survived. I have a safe inside my mind vhere I can lock avay those things I do not vish to realize that I know, those things I vould much rather not remember. It is a large safe, heavy, black, made of solid iron, vith a combination that only I know.
I can somehow also deliberately hide things behind that safe, vhere I can reach them if I vish, but everyone else cannot. That’s vhere I hide those things I do not vant the Professor to find, such as the fact that I am not quite so unconscious as he thinks I am.
There is nothing he can do to help me. I am truly an abomination. Ali vas my last hope, my final chance to prove othervise. And I failed.
Oh God, I know you can forgive me for all those things I did for Veapon X, but even you cannot forgive me for vhat I am, down deep inside. It is the secret that I must try to keep even from myself.
But vhat is this? Somevun else is opening the door, and it is not the Professor or I vould have felt him inside my head. Footsteps cross the room and stop alongside me, then silence. Who are you? Vhy do you not speak, so I can know who you are?
t is Logan’s voice that finally answers those questions. He is the last person in the vorld that I vant here just now, but I can do nothing to prevent it, nor can I not listen.
“Kurt, I saw Rogue come in here a little while ago, and I heard what she said to you. I didn’t mean to hear, but I was outside and you know how sharp my hearing is. Been thinking since then about whether I should tell you this or not, but here I am. Like her, I don’t know if you can hear me, but just in case, here goes.
“You’re not a monster, kid, no matter what she saw in your memories. She’s upset right now, but she didn’t mean it, not really. I know more about Weapon X than either of you ever will, and I know what they can do to a person. I can also tell a lot more about someone just by their scent than you’d ever imagine. For one thing, I know when you’re feeling sexually aroused by someone, so I think I know what your real problem is. You may not want to hear it from me, but it doesn’t look as if you’ve got much choice.
“You’re turned on by men, including me, but you hate that, just as you hate seeing it in Peter. He didn’t betray you, or hide anything from you that you haven’t hidden from yourself.”
*Nein! Nein! Sag das nicht!* But I can’t do anything more than think this, begging him not to continue, trying not to hear his vords.
“That’s why you don’t seem to be able to attract any girls,” he continues relentlessly. “You don’t really want to. Just look at Ali. You liked her, sure. But you loved the unconscious girl lying in a hospital bed, not the real woman. You made up a fantasy about her, to prove to yourself that you were what you were supposed to be, what you felt you should be, what you hated yourself for not being.”
No! He brings up the very things I try so hard never to think about, but that I can never forget! How can he know this? Please, please, make him go avay! Make him be silent!
“If you’re hearing this, pal, I know it’s scaring the hell out of you and you’re doing your best to keep on denying it. But why? Religious reasons? I’d guess that from the words you use about Peter, like ‘abomination’. That’s Biblical talk.”
Of course it is Biblical talk! I vas raised Catholic. Go avay! Stop tormenting me! Get thee behind me, Satan!
“Or maybe because you think it makes you somehow not a man? Take a look at Peter. Can you even begin to see him as not a man?”
He hesitates a moment, as if unsure vhether he should continue. Leave! Let me forget you vere ever here.
“Look, this is nothing so horrible. You’re young and confused, that’s all. Maybe you’ll find you can be attracted to women also, if you meet the right girl. But maybe you need to know that being gay is not a fate worse than death. More and more, society is beginning to accept it as just another variation on sexual attraction, not a disgrace, not a sin, not a perversion of some sort, or a disease that can be cured. Even a lot of Christians accept it as normal nowadays.”
Vas? Can that be possible? No, of course not. It is in the Bible. But it is true that the Bible also tells us many other things ve must not do that the Church has never said are sins. No. I am only trying to justify vhat I am by thinking that. I must not doubt.
“Are you afraid of what others would say, if they knew? Do you see anyone looking down on Peter? Do you think any of us would think any less of you, if you said you were gay? If so, think again. I’ve lived a hell of a lot longer than you and I’m not as young as I look. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m not real happy about, but the fact that I’ve had sex with another man now and then isn’t one of those things.”
Mein Gott! Him too? But how could he? He is the most masculine person I know. He could not be a faggot like me. Could he?
“You’re young. You’ve got a lot to learn, about yourself and about others. Give yourself a chance, huh?”
I had my chance, with Ali, and I failed. I can’t love a voman. I don’t even vant to love a voman!
“Now I’m going to go out on a limb here. Mind you, this is a guess, not a certainty, but like I said, I know Weapon X and what they do. I’m going to say they raped you at some point in their training. I’m going to say they didn’t do it just once, but often, maybe because you’re young and good-looking, maybe because they saw how much it fucked with your head, maybe to break your confidence in yourself. Maybe all those things, or maybe none of them. But I’m guessing that drove any chance that you might have had of recognizing the truth about yourself down into the deepest basement in your mind, where it could be safely hidden even from yourself.”
Lieber Gott, he knows! I can’t stand it! He knows! He has broken my safe and seen my secret! Let me die! Let me die right now!
I feel the touch of his hand on my shoulder, and cannot even pull avay. God help me, I don’t vant to pull avay! I vant him to touch me.
“Come on, kid. Don’t let those bastards win. Fight back. You’ve got guts. I know, I’ve seen you fight. Now fight with your brains, instead of your fists. Fight back with honesty against the lies that have been beaten into you. Let Chuck help you with this.”
I can’t, I can’t! No one else must know, especially not the Professor!
“You’re no monster, Kurt. You’re a man. Don’t ever listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.”
I can hear the quaver in his voice as he says this. Vhy should it affect him so much? I am the vun who should be crying now. I am crying; I can feel my eyes overflow vith the tears. No! He must not see me like this!!
He is kneading my shoulder now, wiping the tears from my face vith his other hand. “You heard me, didn’t you, kid? You wouldn’t be crying if you hadn’t.”
I am ready to die of shame, and not only because of the tears.
“Besides, I can see you’ve got a hard-on. You want me, don’t you?”
Yes, yes! I vant you! I vant your body pressed against mine, I vant your hand between my legs. Gott forgive me, I vant your cock up my ass. Oh yes, I know too vell how that feels, vhen a man takes me. To my everlasting shame, I know how much I enjoyed it, once I grew accustomed to it.
“Aw right, look, I’m going to do something I may be sorry for later, but it’s all I can think of right now. If I’m totally off base here, I apologize. But I don’t think I am.”
I feel it as he turns down the blanket that covers me, then lifts the edge of the gown that barely covers my nakedness. I cannot move, but as I feel his hand gently touch my engorged penis, I suck in my breath sharply.
“So you do like it, huh? Or are you just taking in some air in order to try to call for help, but you can’t? Damn, I wish you could talk to me, let me know what you’re feeling! Do you want to kiss me, or would you rather kill me?”
His lips touch mine, in an uncertain kiss. Even if I could speak, I could not respond to his question, since I don’t know the answer. His hand begins stroking my cock.
“Listen, kid. I’m your friend, even if I do get mad at you sometimes. This is just between us. I’ll never mention it again, unless you bring it up first. It’s not a big deal. All it means is that I understand, and maybe that I like you enough to want to show you that it doesn’t make someone any less of a man. I hope you can realize that.”
My penis is suddenly surrounded by a delicious warm wetness, a pressure, a pulling sensation. Merciful God, he has taken me into his mouth! I never imagined such a thing could feel so wonderful. I cannot help myself. I climax almost immediately, and feel it as he swallows my cum. Logan, the strongest, bravest, most formidable man among us all, has just given me a blow job.
Is it possible Logan could be right about me? Is it possible he could be right about everything he said?
A very slight smile is all I can force my lips to provide. But that is enough to give him an answer.
“I thought so, Kurt. I thought so. If you ever want more, just let me know.”
I hear his footsteps as he leaves the room, but I know now that I am not alone. And I am not a monster.

German Translations
*Nein! Nein! Sag das nicht!*     *No! No! Don’t say that!*
Vas?          Yes, I know that’s the wrong spelling of the German word “Was”, which means what. But it can be confused with the English word, and fans are used to seeing it in the comics like this anyway.
Mein Gott!          My God!
Lieber Gott         Dear God

MY LOGURT STORIES
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http://xmen.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600090809
The Monster
http://xmen.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600090893
REVENGE!
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Der Doppelgänger
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STORY ARC -- Movieverse
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Something a Little Different
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As the Twig is Bent
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Pray for Us Sinners
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You Win, Elf
http://xmen.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600090894
Hell Hath No Fury
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Let's Pretend

http://xmen.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600090964
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THE MONSTER