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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 89
- 90
- 91
Chapter Ninety
The Soldier & Freya
Bucky & Steve
Together

How do you convince James that if he makes love to you, you will not break?
Since they have brought you back and looked after you, James has alternated his nights between you and Steve. He has been there, warm and loving, cuddled you to him, told you everything was going to be all right, but when you have tried to take it further he has stopped you. He says you are not ready yet, to do that he would be taking advantage of you, but deep down you know the real reason.
He saves himself for Steve.
Have you have lost that side of him completely?
*
Bucky closes his eyes to sleep, and the Soldier opens his to wake. Of course he always knows what is going on, always vigilant, but he likes to lull Bucky into a false sense of security. Especially this new Bucky; he is dangerous, and he may be the only one to kibosh the Soldier's plan.
The Soldier has gone a little crazy.
Or should we say a little insane? There has been something eating away at him since Freya came back and it is all that fills his mind; and so he plots, schemes and does not think of the consequences. That damned photograph they showed him. It eats away at his mind, his body, his very sanity.
The room is dark but he knows where he is. She is in bed beside him sleeping. He switches on the lamp and she stirs but he tells her to sleep before padding to the bathroom. When he comes back he stands next to the bed looking down at her. She is curled facing where he had been sleeping. Her hand is laid out to where his warm body was, her hair comes down past her shoulders and fans out across the pillow. He gently reaches over and moves it away from her face. He moves back the covers, so gently she doesn't feel it and he gazes at her body. She has on a nightdress, short, lightweight because in Stark Tower the temperature is always ambient.
He follows the shape of her body with his eyes, can see the darkness of her nipples through the material, down to her long legs. How he wants to slip between her thighs. He knows what he wants and he is determined to get it but he knows he has to be crafty. This is the Soldier after all. For the last few days he has been touching her, kissing her, making her wet and then pulling back, telling her she is not ready, that he would be taking advantage of her. Frustrating her. He knows it is working because he can see it in her eyes, her desperation for him. He has been doing the same with Steve.
His own body feels as if there is an electric current running through it. He is so hard that it hurts and his balls ache. He smiles that thin lipped smile and gets back into bed. Leaves the lamp on.
You are quite a light sleeper and you feel as James gets back into bed beside you. The light is on and you move to snuggle up against him but instead of taking you in his arms, you feel his left hand on your shoulder, it is a firm grip enough to break your sleep. You open your eyes and find that he is watching you, looking at you and the need in his eyes makes your stomach turn. You know how he feels because you need him so badly your own feelings have been strung out for the last few days.
You go to speak but instead he shakes his head. His hand pushes down on your shoulder so you are now lying on your back and his lips kiss yours, gently at first and then more needing until his tongue is in your mouth and his kiss is deep and searching. You respond. Oh God, do you respond.
His hand leaves your shoulder and traces down to the hem of your nightdress and slips under it, for the first time in so long you feel the cool metal on your thigh and you want to weep, you want to do so much.
He breaks the kiss and looks at you.
“Please...” you say and you know he knows what you are asking and then you see it, that look, that smile. The Winter Soldier's smile. Your heart starts to hammer, your breathing quickens and fear runs down your spine but your mind and body betray you. They welcome him – you welcome him. You move so he can remove your nightdress and you kick off your pants. He is already naked and as he moves against you to kiss you, you feel his hard cock pressing into the flesh of your belly. He knows where to touch you, he knows where to kiss and suck until you are so desperate you are nearly crying. And finally when he enters you, you wrap your legs around him, your hands running over his body, and you kiss him as if he was your last breath.
“I've missed you,” he whispers and you moan your response.
“Oh God James. Please. Don't stop.”
But he does for a moment, his hands still travel over your body, still make you shudder. He doesn't want to break his hold over you. “Look at me.” And you know to obey him. You open your eyes and look into his and you can see a desperate need in them for you.
“Don't stop, please don't!“ you beg and you do not care, you would do anything to keep him here with you, keep him here inside of you. He begins to move again and you arch into him. “Deeper,” your voice showing your need.
“I don't want to hurt you,” he whispers. Oh, but he knows how to play you.
And then you reply with the words he has been waiting for. “Hurt me...I don't care, just don't ...” and you cry out and your legs tighten. You can feel him so very deep inside you, your body feels like it is on fire, as if you are teetering on the edge of insanity.
And he feels it too. It is taking so much willpower not to finish, not to let himself come, not to watch her come.
Freya,” he whispers and she moans. “Freya, look at me,” and she does. Her eyes are liquid. She is totally his.
“Would you do anything for me?” he asks, already knowing the answer.
“Yes,” she says, biting her lip and closing her eyes, her body arching into his. Jesus, he can feel the sweat dripping off his forehead, his hair is damp and he feels as if he is about to explode.
“Look at me, Freya, look at me,” he has done this to her before. Brought her to the brink, to her most vulnerable state which is how he knows this will work.
You try and concentrate on what he is saying. You would agree to anything he asked. He carries on moving, long strokes inside you, driving your body to the edge. You bite your lip again, look into his eyes.
“I need you to do something for me. Will you do that?” he asks and you nod.
“Anything.”
Her voice is husky, desperate. Her eyes go to close and he feels her shudder. “No. No Freya, concentrate or I'll stop,” he says and slows his movement and she mewls. It is a threat he couldn't carry out; he has wanted her for too long.
“Steve,” he says and that makes you open your eyes again. “Steve wants us to sleep with him, wants us both to make love to you. Will you do that? Will you let us?”
You feel yourself blink but then a wave hits you and you arch up into him and your hands scrabble at his back, trying to drive him as deep as you can.
“Freya will you do that for me...for him?” and you nod. You feel like shouting at him: I would sleep with the whole of mankind if you would just hurry up and fuck me now. You feel abandoned, desperate. “Yes, yes,” you say and see he is pleased with your promise and he begins moving again and you lose yourself to him again.
And in his mind, he sees it, that photograph. He knows now that it wasn't her but the picture he holds in his mind is. Freya and Steve, her, him and Steve. He is deep inside her and so is Steve and he wants it to happen so badly, it is a picture he cannot let go off. It is a picture – a thought - he will not let go of.
Afterwards you feel sore but free as if every worry you carried has cast itself off from your shoulders, as if you have a little part of your James back. Fulfilled. You are sleepy but before you fall asleep he reminds you of your promise. You snuggle up.
“Do you remember what you promised?” he asks you quietly.
A small flutter in your stomach as you think back. You have promised him you will sleep with Steve, another small flutter.
“With both of us,” he whispers and you nod.
“With both of you,” you reply.
*
Steve is not so easily swayed. The Soldier makes sure that he thinks it is Bucky. Gets him to where he thinks he is most vulnerable, but then Steve actually stops in the middle of their love making and tries to move away.
“You want me to what?” his voice a virtual yelp. He has to be more honest with Steve, more manipulative. They are on the bed, half dressed, clothes thrown down around them and Steve is flushed, was so close to...
“You want me to what?” He looks at Bucky and Bucky seems so earnest. He is knelt on the bed and puts a hand out to Steve as if asking him to understand.
“I know, I know, I told her you would probably say no, so forget it,” he looks at Steve and then away sheepishly. Bites his lip.
Steve moves away and sits with his back up against the headboard. He runs his hand through his hair. It had been a while since Bucky and he had made love and he was feeling desperate, he does not know that the Soldier has been winding him up, getting him to a point where he would agree to anything. Not knowing that he had been doing the same to Freya.
“Look Buck I know what you're saying...” but Bucky cuts across him, a look of pain on his face as if he understands but is caught between a rock and a hard place. He seems to deflate and Steve's heart goes out to him; he knows how Bucky is trying to desperately juggle between the two of them.
Bucky sits back dejectedly. “Steve, you don't know what they did to her, what I did to her. She's damaged, so damaged,” and then he looks back at Steve, his voice drops as if he is worried someone will overhear them. “She...she needs pain to...” he moves closer, not letting his eyes drop from Steve's and he sees Steve's eyes widen “...she needs pain to...enjoy sex. It's so difficult sometimes. She asked me if you would...well, you know...if we would both...at the same time.”
Steve lets his breath out and looks away down at the bed clothes “Buck, I've never done anything like that. I've never hurt a woman before...”
“It won't really hurt her. She just wants to try it. She's only ever slept with me before, no one else. You know I hurt her badly. They used that ticking clock thing I told you about, made me think she was a whore until I remembered who she was. She got used to that and I guess...it's played on her mind you see, wormed its way into her conscious thoughts, made her yearn for...” He moves back, looks away.”I didn't think you would say yes,” and there is an accusatory note in his voice, one that makes Steve swallow. Bucky has asked him for nothing since he came back and now the first time he does, Steve says no.
Steve moves forward. He hates to admit it but although the idea was shocking at first it has made him feel...excited? Nervous? And that worries him. What does that say about him? He knows the few times he has acted forcefully with Bucky, when the Soldier is awake, it had made him feel so hard, so....jesus he realises, he is actually considering doing it.
Bucky turns away completely and goes to get off the bed but Steve comes forward, grabs his arm, stops him. “You shocked me is all...” Steve says and then tries to smile, that shy smile of his when he is embarrassed about something. “I never even knew it could be done, you know?” His eyes are so very clear and blue. So innocent. Bucky comes forward again, runs the back of his fingers down Steve's cheek, then bends forward and kisses him, his tongue exploring Steve's mouth, his hand exploring Steve's crotch until Steve is moaning and grabbing at Bucky to pull him back onto the bed.
It is so very unfortunate that he hadn't seen the thin lipped winning smile on the Soldier's face.
*
Fate hands you a blinder. James...Bucky, wants you and Steve and he wants you to want Steve. How? How do you do this? Steve has already told you they do not want you to go, that they want you to share their life with them. James, sorry Bucky, needs both of you.
And now he is asking for both of you.
He has asked you if you have thought about what you had promised. And you have: it is nerve racking. You said Steve may not want you, that maybe he is trying to put Bucky's mind at rest? But Bucky assures you, they are both ready. Are you?
Tonight is the night they want you to spend with them. The decision is yours and yours alone. You have agreed to this but you are so nervous. What if you let Steve down? What if he doesn't like you in that way? What if...?
You knock on Steve's door. He opens it and you can see how nervous he is and that calms you, he is far more apprehensive than you are but that is because you don’t know what the Winter Soldier has in mind yet. Steve does - because he believes it is what you want, that it is your idea. If you knew, you would be more than nervous. If you knew, you may have stayed in your room.
“Hey Freya, come on in,” Steve says, ever the gentleman, but you can hear the nervousness in his voice.
You smile and walk into the room. Bucky is already there sat on the sofa but as soon as you come in he jumps up. The lights are low and there is music in the background, you do not recognise it but you know Steve always plays the music from the forties. You guess it is from there. It has that timeless quality to it.
You are feeling a little worried now. You only have your dressing gown on - nothing underneath - but they are dressed in trousers and tee shirts. Will Steve think you are a slut? He looks so jittery, so much more nervous than you feel.
Steve invites you to sit on the sofa and you do whilst Bucky brings over wine. You shake your head no, you have never drank wine and you don’t know how it would affect you. But this is Bucky, he tells you it will taste like champagne, gives you that smile and he doesn’t take no for an answer and pours you a glass: sits next to you and holds it up for you to sip. You try a little bit but you weren't expecting it to be bubbly and it makes you sneeze which makes him laugh. Steve sits in the chair next to the sofa frowning. He thinks he has hidden his expression but it shows. He clearly doesn’t approve of Bucky giving you the wine. You wonder if he does not enjoy drinking.
Has she really agreed to this? Steve watches her. Why is Buck plying her with wine if it was her idea? He knows she has a small amount of serum in her blood but no where near enough to dampen the affects of wine. When she isn't looking he frowns at Buck and shakes his head but Buck winks and mouths she'll be okay. He trusts Bucky. He shouldn't. Bucky isn't always the one in charge.
How do things get started? Awkward silences. Awkward, but Bucky seems confident. You all talk for a while and you start to relax. He encourages you to drink the wine and you like the taste wondering why you haven’t tried it before, you feel the knots in your shoulders relax. You include Steve in the conversations and you see him start to unwind. As you drink more, things seem to get a lot easier and the evening starts to flow. No more stilted pauses.
The music stops and Bucky gets up to put some more on then he comes over, puts his hand out and pulls you up when you take it. Your nervousness starts again, but he takes you around the waist with one hand and his other hand takes yours and you realise he is gently moving you to the music. You try to smile but he feels you trembling and tightens his grip, you rest your head against his chest and close your eyes. You breathe him in, feel the heat of his body against yours and you let the music enter you, making you relax again.
I can't do this, Buck, Steve mimes to Bucky. How did he ever get himself into this? Why did he ever agree to this? Because he loves Bucky. That is always the reply. He can't believe Freya wants to try it, without reservations. Does she really know they are both going to sleep with her?
He watches as Bucky holds Freya. He feels no jealousy, only panic and his heart is beating so hard in his chest he thinks he is going to pass out. He watches as Bucky's hand slowly moves from her waist to her back and she leans away and Bucky leans down and kisses her lips. Her arms move around him and he watches as she presses her body against his. Bucky is looking at him; with the other hand beckons him over.
Steve shakes his head and Bucky closes his eyes and concentrates on Freya. He has missed her so much, missed the taste of her, these last few weeks when he has been next to her in bed all he has wanted is to be inside her, feeling her body, feeling her love, but he has held himself back truly not wanting to take advantage as she was so vulnerable. The other night when she seduced him he was surprised and when she asked him about Steve he was a little shocked - but not with jealousy. He doesn't remember much about the conversation, just came away with the knowledge she wants both of them. Puts it down to nerves. Does not dwell on it.
He leans away from kissing you and looks at you with those beautiful eyes; you have missed that look so much. Then he leans forward and whispers in your ear, just one word, one name: “Steve.” Your heart jumps, you had forgotten he was there. This is what being with James does to you.
You turn and Steve is looking at both of you. He is so shy, such a tall well-built man but the look on his face goes straight to your heart and you reach out your hand so he is forced to come and take it. You move from Bucky's arms to his and reach up bringing his face down to yours and you kiss his lips. It takes a few seconds before he reacts and then you feel him kiss you back. His mouth opens and you gently wrap your tongue around his and you actually hear him groan. The taste of him is so different to James and you realise he has used a mouthwash. Why aren't you surprised?
Jesus. What if I don’t appeal to her? What if...my God. Steve watches as Bucky kisses her and he feels a warm glow deep within when she turns to kiss him, her lips are soft, and he can taste Bucky on them. He feels her tongue and can't help but feel the warmth of her as she presses her body against his and he groans. It has been a long time since he was with a woman and his body is taking over his mind.
Taking it that you are doing the right thing you slowly push your body against his and you can feel he is aroused. His body is as warm as Bucky's. Then you feel Bucky come up behind you. He reaches around to the front of you and unties the belt fastening your dressing gown.
Relax Freya just go with it, you think. Just think of their hands on you, just think of James. You let go of Steve so that Bucky can pull your dressing gown off and then he holds your waist from behind and pulls you close to his body and you realise he has undressed. His bare skin is against yours and you can feel his erection, hard and pulsing already. His hands move to your breasts and you close your eyes biting your lip as you feel them, so familiar, one flesh, one metal. You have missed him so much.
He kisses your shoulders, along your arm and to your hand where he kisses your palm. Then he turns you around and kisses your lips again, his fingers running over your nipples. He bends to kiss each one, taking each into his mouth until you think you are going to melt. You run your hand through his hair, so soft. He straightens up and looks at you slowly moving you around so you can get on the bed. You have no idea how he got you so close to it.
Steve has undressed and you see that like Bucky his formula has enhanced everything. He is slightly taller than Bucky, blond against Bucky's dark, his body is just as powerful and for a moment you panic. What if...then you swallow and realise you are being stupid: if you can take Bucky in you can take Steve.
Bucky has gotten onto the bed and is holding his hand out to you. The bedclothes are pulled back, you have a moment's hesitation but the wine has done its job and lowered your reservations like the Winter Soldier knew it would. You get in beside him. How are they going to do this? All three of you together but who, you wonder, will go first? Bucky or Steve? You assume the other one will watch until it is his turn. But then Bucky is kissing you again and suddenly any apprehension you had melts away, as long as he wants you then you will do whatever he asks.
You are such a fool.
You run your hands over his skin, feeling the heat and then down and across his belly. You feel him jerk slightly as he draws in breath and then your hand touches the top of his cock and he groans and pushes himself against you. So familiar to you, so hard with such soft skin covering it. You want to move down and kiss it but then you feel the bed dip slightly and you remember Steve is here and you move back again and come up against his body. Bucky is watching you, watching your reaction, and you know you mustn’t let him see anything that might betray you. There is enough room on the bed for all three of you. Tony Stark likes his guests to be comfortable and so all the beds are extra kingsize. Just as well you think - Steve and Bucky are kingsize. For some ridiculous reason that makes you want to giggle but you can't. You need to concentrate.
Steve watches as she touches Bucky. God, this is really going to happen, she really does want this. He can see she is aroused, he forgets Bucky plying her with wine, he forgets his own nervousness, he reaches out for her.
Steve reaches around and pulls you to him and you see Bucky smile as he ducks his head to kiss your breasts. Steve's hands hold you whilst he kisses your shoulders, his fingers tracing the star at the top of your arm. You are becoming so aroused you think you might explode. Their hands travel over your body and they can see they have you, you are theirs.
Both of theirs.
You feel Steve take his hands away and Bucky moves you so that you are leaning over him. You were expecting something different because usually he likes to be the one on top. His hands still travel over your body, you bend and kiss his chest, you bite his nipples and he groans again. Steve has moved but you are not keeping track of him. You kiss Bucky's lips and he responds so the kiss is long and deep.
“Take me inside of you,” Bucky says quietly.
So, it will be him first whilst Steve watches, you guess.
You have guessed wrong.
You move down so you can do what Bucky has said and you sink down onto his hard cock feeling it slide into you and now it is your turn to groan. For a minute you have to stay still and breathe deep so you don’t lose it, you know Bucky is fighting not to come straight away, you can see it by the way he closes his eyes and feel it in his hands gripping your hips.
He looks at you and you can see he wants you badly. His eyes are half shut and his mouth open, his breathing hitches. Then when you go to move he shakes his head and instead moves to hold your arms and pulls you down to him. You move slightly to make sure he doesn’t slip out, he kisses your forehead and then your lips then his hands move to your shoulders.
“Are you all right?” he asks quietly. You nod, slightly puzzled by his question. Why wouldn't you be? You smile but then you see him look beyond your shoulder and he nods. His hands grip you harder. You try to turn to look but you can't because he is holding you so tightly. That is when you feel Steve's hands. Bucky pulls you further down, gently.
“Are you sure?” you hear Steve ask Bucky.
Bucky looks back at you, and his eyes are suddenly so dark and full of lust. Then he smiles, thin lipped and triumphant and you realise you have misunderstood what was to happen. “Yes, she's okay,” he says looking at you almost daring you to disagree. Your heart jumps, this is not your James. Not Steve's Bucky. This is the Soldier.
“Oh God,” you hear Steve whisper and your eyes widen. The Soldier does not break eye contact with you. You feel Steve's fingers on you sliding down to your anus and then gently he inserts them, widening you.
Oh God, you think, not both of them at once, no. You shake your head at Bucky - no not Bucky, and his eyes seem to grow darker. You go to say something, to turn but the look in his eyes stops you. He slowly shakes his head. "You promised," he whispers so only you hear him.
You close your eyes. You can feel Steve and you know he is going to be inside you; this is what Bucky wanted, both of them taking you at the same time. You can't move. Bucky has you gripped so tightly, and Steve has no idea you didn't know this was what was going to happen. You know if you called out to Steve he would stop at once. But you can't. You have been under the Winter Soldier's spell for too long. You always obey him.
You open your eyes as Steve starts to push his cock into you, hard and pulsing. He has used some type of lubricant, thank christ, but it is still going to hurt. Both men are so big. In your naivety you realise you didn't even know this was possible.
Bucky is watching Steve, a look of such want on his face that it frightens you. He is watching as Steve pushes his way into you, and then his eyes flick to Steve's face and you can almost see him mirrored in them.
At first it is the pressure that is uncomfortable and then as he moves deeper and you see Bucky's eyes glaze as it starts to hurt you; as he starts to be able to feel Steve's cock. There is just a wall of muscle separating their two cocks inside you and your body has never done this before; it doesn’t know how to cope. You don't know how to cope. You feel Steve's full length slide into you, you see the Winter Soldier swallow, the look on his face is one of ecstasy.
“No,” you whisper quietly but he hears you; he doesn’t look away from Steve but instead buries his hand in your hair and kisses your forehead.
“Sshh, you're all right, everything is all right.”
You can feel both men, you can feel them inside you and as Steve starts to move the pain starts to increase. “Help me James...please help me,” you say, your voice so quiet, so pleading.
Your breath catches and Bucky looks at you. His eyes are black pools. He can feel you, your whole body, his hands can feel your breasts, your soft skin, his cock in you but he can also feel Steve's rubbing so close as if he it is against his, not much separating them and his body is on fire. There are unshed tears in your eyes and you shake your head and go to speak, he can see the pain in your face, in your eyes and instead he kisses your lips to stop you from saying anything. Then he whispers in your ear. “Sssh, accept it, ride it out, enjoy it.”
You close your eyes. The feeling of betrayal choking you even more than the physical pain.
His head falls back, his eyes close, that look of ecstasy still on his face. He bites his lip, his body moving with Steve's and you are trapped between the two. Steve's hands hold your hips and waist, he is keeping as much of his weight off you as he can but even now he is being taken over by the feelings running through his body. You can hear him groan, his breath coming heavy and fast.
Bucky's metal hand is holding onto your shoulder, the grip is tight, if it gets any tighter he will badly bruise the bone. His other hand is buried in your hair, wrapped around, it is still long enough for him to do that. He can feel the texture, the softness and as he comes both hands tighten and his back arches up against you. Steve's hands tighten as he comes too. You can't breathe. He is saying something but you don’t know what, your ears are humming and you can feel a warmth spreading through you as both men empty themselves into you. You know you are damaged inside. As the semen tries to find somewhere to go you feel the extra pressure, you feel it stinging where your flesh has been abraded. Your tears run down your face freely now. You can't help it, there is no pleasure at all for you, just pain. As the Winter Soldier said, you must ride it out, wait until they have both finished and then you can escape, get away from them as far as possible.
Steve's grip slackens before Bucky's does. He is panting, he can't see your face as your hair hangs down and hides it, he doesn’t know you are hurt, he doesn’t know they have just pulled you apart. He gently pulls himself out of you looking at Bucky who nods. Everything is okay, Steve. And he smiles. The smile that Steve loves.
Bucky still hangs on to you his hands moving to take your face in them. He is studying you, that look you know so well, your tears run onto his fingers and he bends forward and licks them off and then he kisses you hard, so hard his teeth scrape against yours. One of his fingers will leave a bruise on your cheek bone. You don’t kiss him back, even if you had wanted to you couldn't. The grip he has on you, the way he is kissing you - he is hurting you rather than loving you. That is all the Soldier is capable off.
And now he is reminding you that you are his. You once told him you would do anything for him. You prayed and said you wanted your Winter Soldier back – and someone has answered your prayers. You only have yourself to blame.
You hear Steve in the background as he falls backwards onto the bed. “Jesus.” He sounds euphoric.
The Winter Soldier releases you but his hands move to your shoulders, the grip so tight you gasp, his eyes don’t leave yours. “I told you she was something,” he says to Steve and he smiles at you, that thin lipped smile that makes you feel sick. Makes you feel as if the bottom has fallen out of your world. Then he lifts his metal hand and holds a finger to his lips. “Sshhh.” The word so quiet only you and he knows he said it.
Then he lets you go and moves. You wipe at the tears on your face and move off him as carefully as you can because you can feel the pain inside you, you just want to get away from him. As you do he looks back at you - with gentle blue eyes. James. You don’t want him to see the wetness on your face and you duck your head and move back before he can touch you. Your voice does not betray you when you speak.
“I just need to....use the bathroom.” You nearly fall off the bed and scramble to pick up your dressing gown and then you run to Steve's bathroom praying you can get there in time.
James believed you.
He turns to Steve who is lying on his back half asleep already. Wow, that was really something else he is thinking but something in the back of his mind tickles as if trying to tell him something. He even thinks that he might have passed out for a few seconds during the sex as some of the memory of it is fuzzy but his body is sated and so obviously is Steve's. He was going to wait for Freya to come back out but he reaches out to Steve who draws him nearer and wraps his hand in Bucky's hair. He feels tired and before he knows it they are both asleep.
You come back out and the quarters are quiet. The music finished. The glass on the table reminds you of the wine you drank and you can taste it in your mouth and it makes you feel sick. The men are asleep together on the bed in amongst the tangled bedclothes. Bucky is curled up into Steve's side with his head on his chest. Steve's hand is buried in Bucky's hair. They both look so innocent, but you know only one of them is. There is no room for you in that bed even if you had thought there would be. You are his but he isn't yours and you feel an incredible sadness combined with a blinding anger sweep over you.
You let yourself out and make your way back to your own rooms, praying no one sees you. Once in there you shower, scrubbing yourself clean. Twice a bout of pain down below sends you to the floor onto your knees. You can't stop bleeding, it's feels as if you have a heavy period but in the wrong place.
When you have finished you swallow some pain killers, put on a clean nightdress and push your dressing gown into the bin. You will never wear it again. You don’t want to even look at it. Bucky has used you, the Winter Soldier still dominant in his mind. Did Bucky even know? Did he just accept it or was he asleep in there whilst the Winter Soldier used you? You don't want to think about it. You don’t want to think of him as being the victim in this. The anger building in you at him makes you feel sick.
You make your way to your bed glad for once to be by yourself. You climb in between the cool sheets and curl up into a ball. Your head hurts, your body hurts, how many times have you fallen asleep like this in the last seventy years? You don’t know.
Has anything actually changed?
Yes you think, I have. You may love him, you may say you will do anything for him but you know one thing - this is the last time you will ever allow the Soldier to use you in this way. He may still view you as a whore but you now know that you are not and you realise what it is that Nat and Pepper were trying to do for you. You are worth more than this.
*
The next morning you get up early and when you hear a gentle knock at the door you ignore it even when you hear Bucky call out to you. You have locked the door for the first time ever. He assumes you are still sleeping and pads away. You are looking on the laptop for a nearby clinic. You are still bleeding this morning and you feel as if you are underwater. Your ears are still humming. You feel as if an infection is starting and you need antibiotics to kick-start the repair process; the small amount of Zola's serum in your body will then begin to work on you. You can't go to Pepper and ask to see Ales because she will ask you why. You need a walk-in clinic, somewhere people don’t know you. You jot down two addresses and grab your bag, careful to look out in the corridor to see if anyone is about. You escape the building without anyone seeing you and you hail a cab on the main road.
The first address is too close and you ask the cab driver to take you to the second. After paying him you enter the clinic and walk straight into a crowd of people. You want to turn around and walk back out but you can't, you need the antibiotics. What you don’t realise is you also need to talk to someone about what has happened to you. You need someone who doesn’t know your life, your troubles. Just someone to listen to you.
You talk to the receptionist who asks for details, name address, occupation, age.
You tell her your name is Sarah Jacobs. You give an out of town address, then say that you are a waitress and you are here on holiday and you give your age as thirty-two. She raises her eyebrows at that.
“Don't you mean twenty-two honey?” she asks.
Why do people always call you honey?
She is about to ask you what is wrong but something makes her take a good look at you. There is a bruise on your cheekbone, a wide-eyed look in your eyes...one that she has seen before. She softens. “Go and sit yourself down and someone will get to you as quickly as they can.”
In your notes she requests a female doctor.
You sit in the crowded waiting room feeling as though you shouldn't be there at all. You try not to look at the people around you but your heart aches for some of them. Several emergencies come in and you feel you should leave. You know you will heal, that there are people here that need the doctors time more than you do but you are so tired you keep telling yourself you will sit here for a few more minutes, until eventually a doctor calls your name. You miss it at first, Sarah Jacobs, but then the doctor looks directly at you. You are the only woman left so it must be you.
You jump up and wish you hadn't. She has already turned and gone into her office. You follow.
It is a small room with a cubicle for examinations. The couch in the cubicle has stirrups and your eyes widen. You sit down and she looks at you and your mind goes blank.
It's been a busy day and this is the last patient she will see today. Her shift began at 7am and she wants to be home by 3pm. She looks at the young woman in front of her and immediately agrees with the receptionist's notes: this woman has been abused in some way. She can't help but sigh. She sees too many of these cases - and not just women either.
“My name is Doctor Salts. How can I help you?” she asks to open up the conversation. You look at her and try to smile.
“I just need some antibiotics.”
“Okay, and why do you think you need antibiotics?”
“A....water infection. Thats all,” you smile again and try to look bright.
“I see. It says here you are from out of town?”
“Yes, that's why I can't see my normal doctor, as soon as I get back....home I'll see him.”
She sits there, just looking at you. You are not good at guessing people's ages and you think she must be in her late forties, early fifties. You have guessed well. She is shorter than you but then most woman are, you would actually say she is almost diminutive but you can see she would be one of those people who is fierce when she is standing up for something she believes in, she has short curly hair in an old fashioned cut. She removes her spectacles and puts them on the table.
“And the truth?” she says.
You swallow. Will you ever be able to lie and have people believe you?
“Okay, if you don’t want to tell me, let's have a look at you. Underwear off and up on the bench.” She points to the small cubicle. You don’t move and she takes in the way you look at the bench. “I need to exam you.”
She is pushing you deliberately, trying to get you to talk to her, to confide in her. She has forgotten she wants to get home for 3pm, she has forgotten the world outside the door. The look in your eyes scares her. You need help.
“I'm a nurse, I know whats wrong with me, I just need antibiotics...please,” you blurt out panic making you feel trapped. You don’t want to get up on the couch, you don’t want anyone to touch you.
“It says here you are a waitress.”
“I...I've made a mistake, I'm sorry.” You go to get up but you can't. You look at the woman and she looks so compassionate, and suddenly out of the blue you miss your mother, you miss your family, you want to be a small child again, a small child with no worries and people who love you.... but even that would be impossible. They say you can't miss what you have never had. “It was my fault,” you say. The mantra of countless victims who think that.
“Tell me. Let me help you. It's all in confidence I promise.”
“I can't stop bleeding....I let...I let...” your mind is scrabbling. Think like a nurse, diagnose your problem. “I let two men have sex with me and now I can't stop bleeding.”
“Was it consensual?” she asks.
You nod. It was, you know at any time you could have said stop and Steve would have made sure it did. You're a woman out of time and cannot know that what happened to you was still rape. For a moment you think at how appalled Steve would be if he ever found out the truth. How James would be appalled that he didn't help you when you needed him the most.
“And what did they do?”
You feel your cheeks colour. She is going to think you are such a whore, your decision to think like a nurse falters. You look down, you can't look at her. “They...took me at the same time,” your voice has gone very quiet, you can hear a clock ticking in the room and then you don’t know why but you blurt out: “I trusted him, I....I didn't think he would hurt me again...but it wasn’t him, it wasn’t James,” and you burst into tears.
Doctor Salts reaches for a box of tissues and hands you some. She lets you cry and then when you start to gain control she phones Reception. You don’t hear what she says but a few minutes later there is a knock on the door and the receptionist from before brings in two cups of coffee.
“Drink this and then we can talk.”
“But your other patients, I can't stay, I....I just need antibiotics...I can't tell you everything, but my body will heal I know it will it just needs...help to get started.”
You end up staying for just over an hour. You tell her what they did, you don’t tell her who they were or anything about the Winter Soldier. You let her examine you and she doesn’t think just antibiotics will do what is needed on their own, you need stitches but you refuse to go to a hospital.
She wants to ask you about the star shaped scar incised into your thigh; it's as if you have been branded. But she knows at this point she can't. You will bolt.
You are adamant you just want the tablets and in the end she agrees to let you have them. She also writes a prescription for pain killers. They are all the help you will accept from her.
“Sarah...” she looks at you. “What happened to you is abuse, and you need help. There is a centre...” but you are already shaking your head and she sees the fear in your eyes and mistakes it for fear of the men who did this to you. “Please, at least think about it...I'll give you their number, you can talk to someone. You can get away from this.” It is an argument she has had with so many men and women before now.
She doesn’t know that your situation is different. The truth would blow her mind. All she sees is another person who has suffered abuse at someone else's hands.
Finally she gives in, lets you have the prescription but also gives you the number of the centre. And then she surprises herself. In all her years she has never given her own telephone number to a patient but she does now. “If you can't talk to them come and see me again, talk to me.”
You thank her and get up to leave but at the door you feel she deserves some of the truth. “My name isn't Sarah.”
“I know.”
“It's...Freya.”
“Thats a beautiful name. My name is Anita.”
You try to smile but you need to escape before you start crying again, before you ask her if you can go home with her, to her normal life, her normal family.
“Thank you,” and then you are gone and she is not sure if she will ever see you again.
- 89
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant