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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 88
- 89
- 90
Chapter Eighty-Nine
Bringing Her Home

You have not been in work long as you are working through to the late shift and the diner is beginning to fill up with regulars. You know in several hours time it will be mad. You had passed your weeks' probation despite breaking three plates and backing into a customer so that his entire order ended up decorating your uniform. You were employed for a certain shift but often now your shift is whichever one they need you on and you are as flexible as you can be, you never turn anything down. You do not keep up with dates, simply going from week to week so you cannot say for sure how long you have been here. You do not need to know. Years of living at the bases have left you with a sketchy memory for even knowing where in the year you are.
You are helping George in the kitchen. You don’t mind the work, peeling potatoes, washing up, keeping everything going, it keeps you busy, keeps you active.
Honey spikes an order and dings the bell and George goes to fetch it from the hatch. When he comes back to start the food he is excited about something. He is an easy person to work with, pleasant, normally quiet and shy, a bit simple-minded but, whatever has got to him has him besides himself and under his breath he is murmuring.
“Oh,my, god,...ohmygod...ohmygod...” it sounds like a chant.
You take no notice and he is used to that; you are never rude but you never offer for anyone to unload on you and you do not unload on them. They are used to you by now and no one takes offence at your isolation. They need only take a long look into your eyes to see it is nothing personal.
He bustles around and ten minutes later calls your name.
“Sarah.”
Then he calls you again. “Sarah....” What ever it is, he just needs to tell someone.
You look up. The food is ready but George still has hold of it at the kitchen hatch. “Sarah!” You smile at him and he beckons you over to the hatch. “Do you think Honey will let me take this out...ooh I can't believe it.... I'm sure I'm right.” You can see he is so nervous, so fidgety he can't stand still. “Can I?” he asks eagerly.
George does not normally leave the kitchen and never delivers the food to the tables. He usually leaves it at the hatch, rings the bell for the waitress to come and fetch it. So for him to ask is amazing, but he seems so excited by something. You like George and you cannot see a problem with him carrying the food out and you say so. He is so much like a puppy and for a moment you almost feel infected by whatever it is that is making him happy.
Then he shows you what exactly it is.
His voice is telling you but your eyes cannot believe the truth.
“See over there. Table Eleven...those two men? The blond one is Steven Rogers....you know, Captain America...the Captain America and the man with him....well you know who he is, it's in all the news. He's that Winter Soldier. Everyone is talking about him. They say he's Russian and a nasty bit of work, kill you soon as look at you, killed lots of people. I can't believe the Cap is here in our diner and I've cooked his meal!”
You do not know he has been in the news. You do not watch the news. You rarely have the TV on and they do not have one in the diner. You never talk about the outside world to anyone. Thankfully George doesn’t see the look on your face, the way your eyes widen, the sheer shock of seeing them again, of seeing James again.
“Ohmygod. I'm going to meet him....the Cap, he's my hero....” George is bubbling and without you realising you put the plates on a tray and pass it to him, your hands are shaking, your mind scrabbling.
If they are here, then you are not allowed to be.
George looks at you as he straightens his apron. “Do I look all right...Sarah? Do I look okay?” he pats his hair down.
You try to smile and nod. “You look fine George,” you say automatically.
You don’t want to stop looking at James, at the way he sits there, knee jiggling. His hair is still too long, it still needs cutting. His face, his eyes. But you also notice that he is wearing Steve's jacket. A sharp reminder to you that he is Steve's now. It does not occur to you as to why they are here, but they are - and you are not allowed to be in the same vicinity.
You need to go. Far away. As far as you can go.
George bustles out beaming, leaving you stood in the middle of the kitchen. Your mind is blank. You have nowhere to go, where do you go? There is just nowhere left.
Neither of them can see Freya. The waitress who served them, Honey, wasn’t the friendliest and they don’t want to rouse suspicion by asking after Freya so instead they order coffee and food. They were able to find out that she is working in a diner, but not which one – although the area code they have is for this precinct. This is the third diner they have tried with no luck, and the last thing they want to do is eat.
They sit quietly for ten minutes. Bucky is facing the door and Steve is aware of his friend's foot and knee jigging up and down; the old Bucky would do that when he was nervous about something.
“Do you think we have the right place?” Bucky asks for the second time. But before Steve can reply the waitress comes up with their drinks. They are quiet whilst Honey sets their coffee down and then she goes back over to another table to take an order.
“I expect so, you know places like this Buck, they have different shifts, different people.”
As he says this he looks behind him to see what Bucky is looking at. It is a young man bustling up with a tray of food. The waitress is looking at him frowning, Steve sighs; he has seen that look on people's faces before. The waitress hadn't recognised him but this boy has.
“George?” Honey asks. George never comes out of the kitchen when customers are here, yet alone is ever trusted with carrying the food out. He puts the tray down on the table and stares at Steve. The poor boy can hardly speak. Bucky glowers at him he doesn’t want any interruptions.
“Sir, it is you isn't it?” The young man starts to twist his apron, aware of the Russian glowering at him. He wanted to see if he could look at the metal arm they talk about but the man has a jacket and gloves on, nothing shows.
“Well it was the last time I looked.” Steve has a hundred and one answers to all the questions he knows he is about to be asked. The man glances nervously at Bucky, but then straight back at Steve; talking to Captain America is the most difficult thing George has ever done so there is no way he could handle a conversation with the Winter Soldier. Steve can see that George is perhaps 'on the spectrum,' a term Sam had taught him all about.
Honey comes up.“George!” she says exasperated.
“It's all right, Sarah said I could,” he doesn’t look at her as he knows he is in trouble.“This is Captain America,” he blurts out before Honey can say any more.
She knows. How could she not know with it plastered over the news? It is not the blond one that worries her though, it is his companion, the dark haired one. She is about to say 'well whooppedoo' when she catches sight of the companion. He is clearly scouting out the rest of the diner. She knows he is the man they talk about, the Russian. She immediately looks at the tell-tale left arm but he has a jacket and gloves on and there is no way to tell for sure.
What she is sure about is that she doesn't want them in her diner. Whilst she is aware of the controversy in the news about this man she does not know the whole story: does not even know he is not Russian, he is American, does not know of the counter argument that he is the longest serving POW. All she knows is he is deadly and a killer and currently he is in her diner.
She also knows Freya is Russian and has a scar at the top of her arm that is the shape of a star. Freya does not know that Honey knows. She saw it by accident when Freya was changing her uniform in the staff toilets after a customer had spilt their dinner over her. She never spoke of it but then later when she had seen and read a report about the Russian assassin and the star on his metal arm, she couldn't help but wonder what trouble had they given shelter to at their diner.
The man looks at her and she swallows. She is sure he can read her mind. And indeed he can, because he sees it in a lot of people's eyes; their immediate dislike of him, their immediate hate, their fear.
Honey becomes aware of the blond's conversation with George and Bucky sees her eyes narrow.
George is talking. “No sir, we don’t have a waitress with that name,” he is saying and then starts to count on his fingers.“We have a Mary, a Sarah, a Juliet but she is only in on the weekend, then there is Honey...” he blushes slightly aware he shouldn't be talking about staff.
“I think back to the kitchen George...now!” Honey says and hands him the empty tray.
Neither Steve or Bucky have touched their plates. Bucky is still focused on Honey. He had seen her glance to the kitchen hatch when the boy mentioned one of the names but he isn't sure which one.
Before George can walk away Bucky is out of his seat and has his arm. George draws back startled and frightened; the look on Bucky's face is intense.
“Buck...” Steve starts, moving to stand and go to George's rescue.
“Which one is in the kitchen now,” Bucky growls. George drops the tray and almost wets himself. Bucky's hand tightens on the young man's arm.
“Sarah, it's Sarah,” he can see the man is telling the truth. Bucky looks back to the hatch, but he can't see any movement.
“Sorry about this...” Steve is saying guiding Bucky's hand away, bending to pick up the tray and smiling at the boy. “My friend gets a little over-excited,” he says.
Honey is going to ask them to leave, Steve can see that and he is getting money out of his pocket when George turns back to them. He wants to be friends, he wants to please the Cap. “You would like Sarah, she speaks Russian,” he says looking shyly at Bucky. He remembers George saying Sarah was the one that let him bring the tray out.
Bucky's heart stops. And then he is moving.
“Shit no, Bucky!” Steve shouts as Bucky vaults the counter and is heading for the door of the kitchen half way down the corridor. Steve hears the door smash open as he follows at a run.
Honey is telling George to call the police. She is sure they have found Sarah. By the time she gets to the corridor the tall dark one is trying all the doors calling Freya's name, Steve behind him. They hit the fire exit which takes them out to the alleyway, still nothing.
Honey wonders where she is. Is she hiding? Is this the reason for her fear? For her isolation? This Russian assassin?
The two men come back in bumping straight into Honey.“I've called the police, get out of here now!” she tries to be indignant but they see right through her; she is frightened.
Bucky goes to speak but Steve stops him. He takes a deep breath. He holds his hands up to show he means no harm. “Ma'am, we're not here to hurt her, please help us,” he says in his most honest tone. He needs this woman's co-operation.
George comes in behind them, frightened at what he has caused.
“Look,” Steve says to Honey “If you know Freya then you know she is not all right, you can see she is not all right, and we need to find her before she can hurt herself.”
When Bucky hears Steve say it out loud it is like a punch in the stomach and that is what breaks through to Honey, the look on the man's face when his friend says that. The look of absolute panic in his eyes – it is not what she would expect from an assassin.
Honey turns to George.“Where is she?”
“She was in the kitchen....honest Honey, she helped me get the tray ready.”
“Did she see us?” Bucky asks.
George bows his head and nods. He feels whatever has happened must be his fault.
At that moment Sal comes in through the back door straight into what is happening. “What the?...Ma?”
“Sal have you seen Sarah?” Honey asks.
“No. I've been to the bank. Just got back. What the hell is going on?”
“Freya. Her name isn't Sarah, it's Freya...” Bucky says softly.
“Thats right,” says Sal. “And who the hell are you?”
*
You need to go now.
You can't walk out through the front. You just need to go. Your jacket and bag are in Sal's office which is locked whilst he is out at the bank before it closes. You go into the corridor and then out of the fire door. At the end of the alley you cannot turn left to where you live now as you will walk past the diner's windows, so instead you turn right. Past the convenience store and up the road.
You cannot return to your room. You must leave everything behind.
You do not notice the cold. You only have your pink waitress uniform on and people give you strange stares as you walk past them. You can no longer think; you need to get away, need to just keep on walking and that is what you do. Keep on walking.
The day is bleak. The snow starts to fall again keeping people inside, the few people on the street steer clear of the woman in the waitress uniform, they do not want to get involved, they don’t like the faraway look in her eyes.
The cold has entered your body. It works its way through to your fingers and toes, but you just keep stumbling on because your mind is just about exhausted with keeping you alive all this time. It cannot cope with any more. You are at the end of the line.
It begins to get darker and you are still walking; by now the snow has melted through your clothes, through your shoes. Your hair is soaking wet. Still the snow lands on you. A few people have jeered at you as you walk, they are drunk, celebrating God knows what but you don’t even hear them, you just keep walking.
You are leaving the light of the last row of shops behind as you enter a poorer suburb. This is just not poor, it is drug-ridden and you shouldn't be here. Not even the police come alone. You are stumbling more now because you can't feel your toes. Your hands are tucked under your arms.
Suddenly you find you cannot walk any further because there is a group of men circling you and blocking your way. You turn to go back the way you came but they are behind you as well. They sense prey when they see it: you are alone, are vulnerable.
The leader comes up, looks at your name badge.
“Now Saarrah,” he draws the name out. “What are you doing here?” he asks and his friends laugh. You turn again and try and walk away but they won't let you, instead they move closer to you. Your mind is blank, cannot even alert you to the danger you are in, all it knows is you have to keep walking.
“Hey, hey no need to leave,” the leader puts his hand on your arm and he looks into your eyes and he sees the vulnerability there, sees that your mind has gone, knows that no-one cares about you. You are theirs now.
“Hey man. Let's just take her to the site, c'mon, its fuckin' cold,” one of the men says. They like the look of this; the evening had started out boring but now, now they have entertainment and a long night ahead of them.
The leader looks back at you, a terrible smile on his face. “What d'you say Saarrah? Fancy warming us up a bit?” He draws his finger across your lips. “Pretty mouth, pretty lady,” and he feels himself begin to harden despite the cold.
The group look around. There's no-one about, no one to see, no cameras in this part of town, nothing. It will be as though you have disappeared of the face of the earth.
The leader takes you by the arm, the group massing around you and starts to make you walk. You stumble and fall to your knees, your feet are so cold they don’t work, your tights snag and you graze your skin on the pavement. He drags you up by the arm as the men start to work out in what order they will take you once their leader has finished with you.
“Nice ass,” one jeers and the others start to boast to each other what they are going to do. Your mind is still blank. You don’t know who you are any more, who they are. They tell you to get up and you do.
Bucky said you were broken, and you are. Completely.
It took valuable time to sort out the police when they arrived. They had received a phone call to say men with guns were in the diner but thankfully they recognised Steve. The owner explains it was all a terrible mistake. A call to their supervisor releases them from going any further.
The premises have been searched; there is no sign of Freya. Honey has contacted her landlady, but there is no sign of her there either.
Steve phones Tony and they put Jarvis to work on all the local CCTV and they pick up her trail through those. It is spotty and troubling; she is heading for the wrong part of town. They decide not to involve the police. Bucky and Steve will handle it between them.
They start to drive the route, looking out for her, looking out for the pink waitress uniform but they do not see it. There is hardly anyone on the streets, she can't have vanished. It is getting darker, Bucky is frantic; he knows what the cold will do to her, she has no coat, no gloves, no money. They stop and ask a group of lads if they have seen her. They are drunk and out for a good time but they point in the direction beyond the shops, yeah they saw her, about half an hour ago.
The group get to the building site. By now the leader is dragging you, not because you don’t want to go - you have no thoughts of your own, but because you are so cold that nothing works and you keep stumbling. They take one more look around and then move part of the fencing panels. They know there is no security; the site went bankrupt months ago before anything could be built. It is now just a collection of half finished walls and graves already dug as the leader likes to think of it. It is their playground. Even the homeless don’t go there.
The leader is already picturing you on your hands and knees, his cock in your mouth, whilst someone else fucks you up the arse; how lucky have they been to find you. And after they have passed you around, well then the evening can start again. Oh man, if he doesn’t get to fuck you soon he is going to come right there and then. Then when they have finally finished with you, he can watch you die slowly, his hands around your throat whilst he takes one last fuck. It wouldn't be the first time and it certainly won't be the last. Your grave already waits for you.
“Over there!” Bucky shouts as he sees the last of the group go through the fence, he wouldn't have seen anything if the man hadn't got his jeans caught on the post.
“It could be nothing,” Steve says as he steers the car in slowly so as not to alert anyone that they are there.
By the time they find the group, a fire has been lit and boards placed down on the ground and butted up against one of the unfinished walls. They have her stood in the middle and one of them has a bottle that they are passing around. For a minute Bucky has a deja a vu moment; he doesn’t know he is remembering the time when the group of soldiers had him at the field camp before they used him for target practice. The anger in him is so great that he will kill these men and tear them apart. He is not just Bucky, he is the Winter Soldier - and Freya Bowman belongs to him.
The leader is stood in front of her. He leans forward and with a knife begins to cut her uniform away. She can barely stay still, she is barely conscious, she needs to leave and she tries to move away.
“No, no Sarah, you can't go yet,” he says drawing her uniform down over her shoulders. He is startled by the scar at the top of her arm: someone has carved a large red star into her skin. He runs his fingers over it and she shivers. The men around him have gone quiet as they watch. They sense nothing but what they are going to see, they do not realise two men are circling them. If it was the Soldier on his own they would all die, every single one of them.
The leader has his hand buried in your hair, his other hand is up your dress where he is searching for the waist band of your tights, your flesh here is warm and he is so close to finding you. He is kissing your throat. His cock is hard and rubs against you, you feel none of this but there are tears running down your cheeks, there is snow caught in your wet hair and the leader likes the smell of you.
Suddenly he feels pain in between his legs, burning sharp pain and he pulls away letting go of you and staggers back. Soaking through his jeans is blood, a lot of blood, and he can see the tip of a knife as it is withdrawn. A cold voice whispers in his ear.
“She belongs to me. She's mine.”
He falls to his knees, his penis and balls totally severed and only being held in place by his jeans. A hand grabs his hair, pulls back and is about to cut his throat when a voice stops the Soldier. He sees the vulnerable woman sink to her knees, head down, eyes empty.
“Buck no! You can't kill them...Buck, listen to me. Listen!” Steve tries to keep his voice calm.
He doesn’t know what to do; the look in Bucky's eyes is cold, frightening. He isn't even considering letting anyone live.
“We need to take Freya and go.” He uses Freya as the excuse, that may get through to him. He sees the knife break the man's skin on his throat. “Buck!”
The Soldier releases the man who falls sideways groaning and clutching his crotch - he will not live beyond another hour, if that long.
Steve looks at the other men. Some look as though they are still boys. They have knives out in their hands but their eyes tell a different story. They know they are outnumbered with just Steve and Bucky. They are brave enough to rape and watch their leader kill a young woman, but fighting these two men - especially the dark haired one is out of their pathetic remit.
“Get him and go before I change my mind,” Steve's voice is an angry growl and two of the men take hold of their leader and drag him away. Steve and Bucky are left alone with Freya.
His hands are covered in blood and as he crouches down in front of Freya, he wipes them on his jeans and then takes her face in his hands and raises it. Her eyes are dead but she is crying. She looks at him and sees nothing.
“Freya,” he says quietly as Steve crouches down next to him. He has notified Tony that they have found her and will bring her back to Stark Tower. He knows there is no way Bucky will allow him to take her anywhere but there. Later he will tell Tony how the Soldier was going to slaughter the man, and Tony is hard on him. “Well when you keep a Rottweiler for a pet then you have to learn to expect these things. What did you think he was going to do? Thank him and shake his hand?”
Bucky pulls Freya up against him, dressing her in the jacket he had on to try and warm her up, it is lucky he had it; he had come out that morning without one. In the car, when Steve had suddenly realised Bucky had no jacket on, and knew his metal arm with its red star would cause too much distraction he had grabbed his jacket off the back seat and made him put it on and then handed him a pair of gloves. Bucky had been so distracted that he hadn't even thought of hiding what he was. They had a lead on her, a diner down town, they just needed to find which one. It wasn’t much but they needed to find her. He needed to find her.
She sees Steve and that is what jolts her. “I can't be here. I can't be here. I need to leave.” She tries to push him away but Bucky stops her and she looks at Steve. “James doesn’t want me. I can't be here, I have to go but I don’t know where.”
She is lost, so lost and Steve doesn’t know what to say.
Bucky draws her back into his arms.“Ssh, ssh it's all right. Freya, it's all right. I do want you, of course I want you,” he looks at her, unshed tears in his eyes, the anger of the Winter Soldier gone. He pushes back her bangs.“Your hair, what have you done to your beautiful hair?” he asks kissing her forehead.
She sobs and clings to him. “Don't tell my mother, don’t tell her I cut it.” He doesn’t know why she has said that but she is begging. “I won't, I promise, she won't know.” He tightens his arms around her and holds her while she cries. They lead her to the car. She can hardly walk and stumbles until Bucky picks her up and carries her; she is no weight at all.
Bucky turns to Steve and he is shocked by the look on Bucky's face, the bottomless eyes. Bucky places her down whilst Steve opens the back door of the car. Bucky climbs in the back and Steve encourages her to get in next to Bucky and he pulls her into his arms, her head down to rest on his shoulder. He hears Steve open the boot and then he is back with a blanket for him to wrap around her.
Steve climbs in the front, to drive both broken people back to Stark Tower.
*
"Don't touch her," Bucky's voice is cold and he will brook no argument. Pepper has met them at the back door but when she stepped forward to help Freya, Bucky was there between them. Freya is able to walk and does so but with Bucky's arm around her. She keeps looking to him for guidance and the look is one of disbelief, as if she cannot believe he is really there holding her. Steve shakes his head at Pepper when she looks at him, mouthing 'don't', and she puts her hand down, nods her understanding.
"I've made up her room," she says instead, holding the door open and summoning the elevator.
"She'll stay with me," Bucky says and when they get out of the lift he leads her to his room and not hers.
Pepper wants to argue, but this is what caused the problem in the first place. She and Nat had genuinely believed what they had advised Bucky and Steve was right, but now? Now they realise they do not know Freya at all, they do not know or understand the circumstances of her life. "I'll fetch some clothes," she says and Steve thanks her.
He goes into Bucky's room. Freya is sat on the edge of the bed and Bucky has removed the blanket and the jacket, she has on underwear and he is seeing if there is any injuries. Her knees and legs are scraped and she is bruised and scratched. Her eyes are wide and her lips mumbling something but he can hear Bucky answering her. "No. I'm not going to let you go ever again," but the tone of his voice is soft, gentle and she begins to cry.
There is a knock on the door and Steve finds Pepper with clothes. He thanks her and then steps out of the door for a moment to speak with her. "He won't hurt her," he says, because he knows that is what Pepper is most afraid of. She hesitates for a moment and then nods and leaves after making Steve promise he will let her know if they need anything for her.
Steve goes back into the room and over to Bucky. “Do we need to call Ales in?”
Bucky shakes his head. Steve puts the clothes down on the bed and then hovers as Bucky talks quietly to Freya. “No, you're going to stay here...don't worry...no I haven't...I promise.”
Steve says: “I've put the clothes over there, is there anything else....”
“No, we'll be fine.” Then they both turn as they hear Freya ask something, she looks up at Bucky and he crouches down. “No I haven't, I promise...I won't tell her.”
He looks back up at Steve who has a query on his face. “She's worried I'll tell her mother that she's cut her hair,” he says and Steve realises there is a whole past there that he knows nothing about.
“We thought we were doing the right thing,” Steve says and Bucky nods.
“So did Zola,” he says and then turns back to Freya. “Come on. We need to get you cleaned up and into warm clothes,” he has his arm around her and gets her to stand. Steve can see she is shivering.
Steve looks around lost. He is not needed here, there is nothing he can do for them now. “I'll...I'll phone Honey and let her know Freya is safe, and then tomorrow I'll go and pick her things up. Shall I get some hot drinks and food?”
Bucky looks at him and he can see anger in his eyes that Bucky is trying to control.
Steve indicates the bedside table. “I'll put them on the table.” Steve looks at the two broken people. “Buck, I'm sorry,” Steve says simply.
Bucky does not answer, just leads Freya into the bathroom and closes the door behind them.
You are so cold and you cannot stop shaking. You are in a bathroom and the Soldier is there with you, but you don't know why. You are just in your underwear and it is soaked through, your skin is blue and your hair sodden. He starts the shower and then takes off his own clothes so he is just in his shorts. He comes over and you watch him, eyes wide and frightened.
What do you do? Your teeth chatter and he brushes the wet hair back from your face and kisses your forehead then he moves you into the shower with him. The water is gloriously warm and soothing. He takes up the sponge and soap and starts to clean you.
He remembers a situation very much like this one. One where he had overstepped the mark and nearly destroyed her mind. He is not sure if he hasn't succeeded this time. She doesn't seem to know where she is, or what to do. She is watching his every move, does exactly what he tells her to. He washes her body gently, then her arms and her legs, her feet, stands up and then he stops, looks down into her eyes, drops the sponge and he wraps his arms around her and weeps into her neck. Her arms come around him and she holds him.
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,” he is saying but you don't know why. The water rains downs on both of you and its warmth is welcoming. You listen to his sobs and tell him it is all right, that everything is all right.
It must be because, you remember that he has Steve now.
Your mind is starting to get a hold of itself. You were away for a time, working in a diner and they came to find you. Why you don't know, that you still need to remember. You are a little unhinged but you mustn't let him know that, he has enough to worry about. 'I'm going to be late for my shift,' you think and you don't realise you have said it out loud. Bucky loosens his grip, moves slightly away so he can look at you.
He sees the confusion in your eyes and thinks that sleep is what she needs. “You don't have to worry about your shift, it's your day off,” he says and kisses your forehead again. He smiles at you and then turns and grabs a bottle of shampoo, tells you to turn around and you do and then he washes your hair and rinses it. The feel of his hands on your body is so welcome, you have missed him so much.
After he had towel-dried you both off he leads you into the next room and puts a nightdress on you. You can smell food and on the table is mugs of soup and bread which you both eat and drink.
Whilst they both eat he is aware of her watching him, taking his lead on what to do. By the time they finish she is so tired she is almost falling asleep so he gets her into bed where she curls up in a small ball. He knows it is because she thinks he is going to leave her alone. Instead he climbs in beside her.
“Freya,” he says gently and she opens her eyes. She is so sleepy. She puts her hand out and touches his face, his lips.
“I could almost believe you are here,” she mumbles. He takes her hand and kisses it, then reaches over and pulls her close.
“I am here,” he says and feels her snuggle up as close as she can. He so badly wants to make love to her but he knows he would be taking advantage of her; she is so vulnerable at the moment. He will wait until she is strong again, he will wait for her to say she needs him. And when she does he knows he will finally be home.
You know it is a dream. He cannot be here with you, you cannot smell him, you cannot feel his warmth, feel his heart beating. It must be a dream which for now you are happy to be in.
You will worry about tomorrow in the morning.
*
Poor Steve, you feel sorry for him, pulled between the man he loves and the woman who could be a problem. It's obvious that he does not know what to say. When you were here previously you had studied him, watched him when he didn't know you were and you had found nothing wrong, nothing at all. He is kind, generous, good of heart and he loves Bucky. Loves him so much it hurts you.
They belong together.
You could see what it was in Steve that attracted Bucky, Steve is a rare person, not a saint but a good man and you are not going to spoil this for him. He has become a friend despite you not wanting him to. You know now you had wanted to keep him at a distance so you had someone to blame for losing James, but you can't. You genuinely like and have grown to care for him.
You believe you are stronger now than you were before when you left. If only they hadn't found you again you would have slowly adjusted and by now this might all be over. You would be dead. Bucky and Steve would not know, they would have thought you had gone off to be happy somewhere else with someone else. You don’t realise how well Bucky knows you, how well Steve is learning to know you. You are part of both of them now.
The first night and day back at the tower is still a confused mess in your mind. You just know that the next morning you awoke and James was besides you in the bed. You wanted to reach out and touch him, you wanted him to make love to you but he didn't. You remember Steve and Pepper telling you that they are glad you are back. It must be for a visit you think. Your mind is still delicate, still trying to figure out your place in the world. You know your previous plan was a good one. Now you feel better you must stick to it.
Two weeks later Steve asks to talk to you. Bucky is out with Sam. Bucky has slept with you some of the nights you have been here but he has not touched you, has not made love to you. When you talk about getting back to work he just smiles and promises you it is too early. You and he will talk about it when you are better but you still have a way to go. But here you are, at the point again where one of them is going to have a word with you, remind you, you need to go and this time it is Steve's turn.
What does he say to her?
He is the one who set up this meeting, the one who made sure Bucky was out of the way so they could talk, just the two of them and now she is here, sat opposite him at the table, waiting for him to speak. He doesn't know how to start, how to say what he needs to, how to say it right. “I thought we should talk...about Bucky, I mean James...” He is flustered, “I don’t even know what to call him these days....especially with you...I mean....there isn't anything wrong with calling him James, it's his name but...”
You put your hand on top of his and smile. Your heart goes out to him, you don’t know what to call James either. Should you call him Bucky, which he does seem to prefer, or James? You just don’t know.
“Bucky. Lets call him Bucky,” you say and smile again. In your mind you are so impressed with yourself, I'm coping with this you think to yourself.
He can't help it but his face flushes, it is rare to him to hear her say that name and he feels it has cost her.
“Look Steve, can we be honest...” you look straight into those blue eyes - blue but not the same as James, his are deep and dark, the colour of a storm brewing. Steve's are light, the colour of the sky, the colour of pure honesty. “I know what you are going to say,” you pat his hand and take yours away.
You have to convince him everything is all right. You know they want you to leave now that you are well, and you are well. If you stay around James any longer you will break and this time they won't be able to put you back together again. With you gone there will be no guilty looks when you see them together, no more nights where James is split between spending them with you or with Steve.
You can give them your blessing and go.
You haven't been idle these last few weeks and thank God for the internet. You have it all planned. You will keep in touch so they know you will be there for the trial if one does present itself. Then afterwards you will tell them you have met a wonderful man and you are getting married, tell them how you are going to move back to England with him but will change your name to stop the journalists from forever pestering you. Oh, and ask them very nicely, if they mind if you don’t keep in touch as you don’t want to be reminded of your previous life.
And then you can die.
You even have that worked out. It took a long time to think of a way to get rid of a body without it ever coming to light. You have decided on the only option that seemed to not have any repercussions and for that you can thank a film you watched late one night when you could not sleep. There are still a few iron foundries open around America and no one would know if someone sneaked in one night and lowered themselves into the molten steel. It even burns off the impurities and that thought made you laugh because that is what you are. An impurity.
You don't realise you have gone a little mad. A little crazy. You think you are all right, but you are not.
Steve looks taken aback. “So Bucky has talked to you about it already then?” he asks. Concentrate Freya, concentrate on what Steve is saying.
Your smile falters a little bit and he frowns so you plaster it back on. “No, Jame..Bucky hasn't said anything. Come on Steve you know what he's like, probably thinks I'll go a little nuts, its just I know what you are going to say that's all...” Then you continue, you have been practising the lines since Steve asked you if you could spare time to have a quiet talk next time James is out. “I can't stay. That is what you want to tell me but you see I know that already. I'll be okay this time I promise. I'm a lot stronger, it was just the shock of seeing you both that day but this time you won't need to come after me. Pepper is going to help find me a job out of state, and an apartment and then I can settle down. I'll still give any evidence that might be needed if Bucky does go to trial so perhaps you'll still let me know how he is from time to time. Just one of those e-mail thingies, I won't need to see him I promise.”
Your hands are under the table now, clenched, the nails have made marks on the palm of your hands.
Whoa, hang on a minute, this isn't what he was expecting to hear, this isn't what he was going to say.
Steve is still learning to read people, especially Freya and he doesn’t like the brightness of her eyes, the way the speech sounds rehearsed. He is bad at lying but Freya is impossible. What is going through that mind of hers to make her think that is what he was going to say?
She goes to get up but he grabs her arm and sits her back down. “Do you realise you have known James longer than I have?” he asks and sees her smile falter again.
“We...” her voice has gone so she coughs a little and tries again. “We were in cryo freeze for quite a long time so I don’t think it works out that way,” she smiles but her eyes are wide and although her hands are hidden under the table he can see she is trembling.
Steve smiles, all the while trying to think of how to play this. Things are not all right and he should never have tried to do it this way. He should have had Bucky here.
Dammit.
“He is something though, isn't he,” he says delaying.
She nods.
You realise he suspects something so you sit up. You bring your hands up back onto the table and cup one in the other, be calm, be cool. “I really have got a lot to do this afternoon, Steve, if you don’t mind...”
“Like what?” he asks, leaning back and away from you. You think he is relaxed, in control.
“Oh you know...girl things...” You want to get up and walk away but you can't because you know your legs won't carry you. Deep breath, a few more minutes and you will be fine again.
He is watching you and you hate silences; they make you talk, makes you say things you shouldn't. “It's nice to see him laugh....the most I ever saw was a rare smile,” you say and your eyes fill. How random was that thought?
Silence.
Your sentence makes him feel sick, he knows now what you are doing, you are trying to protect James again. He thinks you think this is what Bucky wants. He doesn't.
“Freya, why did you think I was going to ask you to leave?” he asks quietly.
Your hands flatten out on the table but not before he sees the marks on your palms. You look down and start to pick at something on the table top, something has got stuck and you start to try to scratch it off using your nail.
Your mind is scrabbling. “Because James asked you to because he can't ask me to again.”
“Oh God I've really messed this up,” he says and sitting up grabs her hands before she can move them.
He turns them over and without thinking runs his thumbs gently over the angry red marks.
He looks at her. “That isn't what I was going to say. We don’t want you to leave, we want you to stay....both of us want you to stay.”
She blinks, several unshed tears are freed and run down her cheeks, she begins to tremble.
“Bucky needs both of us. If either of us leave him he will...he will...” and now his eyes fill with tears.
“Freya, I'm frightened for him, I don’t know how to deal with him as the Winter Soldier, you do....I only know how to deal with him when he's Bucky. He needs both of us, he needs his Constant.”
His eyes look into yours and there is nothing but the truth in them. “Help me save him. Please.”
And it is those words of his that undo you.
- 88
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- 90
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant