Adult-FanFiction.org : Marvel 'Verse

A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 86
- 87
- 88
Chapter Eight-Seven
Alone

Freya
You are just trying to cope with breathing and walking. Nothing else. You reach your room and close the door behind you.
What Bucky has just done to you is akin to what they did to him when they took the remaining part of his left arm - but you do not know that, cannot know that. And he does not know it either; if he did, he would have been stunned.
You can't cry. You can't move. You can't do anything. You do not know how long you sit on the edge of your bed and you do not know what you were thinking because you simply weren't; your mind was and still is blank.
You hear movement out in the corridor and you come back to the land of the living. Footsteps pass your door, you know it is not him; you'd know his tread anywhere. You get up and find that you are cold, so cold that you shiver. You need only ask Jarvis to turn up the heat in your room and he will - but this isn't your room. It is merely somewhere you have been sleeping for the last few months, that is all.
Nothing here belongs to you.
You move over to the desk and sit down. Pepper had added all the things to your room that she felt you might need, including the laptop. She has shown you how to use the simple printer, and now you get your notes out of the drawer so you know what to do.
For a while you sit there looking at the empty screen and then something makes you sit up and you start to type. You finish two letters, print them out, and then in the desk drawer you find envelopes and put them in. You address them and prop them up against your library notebooks on the table.
Next you go into Google and look at times of buses and trains. You print them out even though you have no idea if you will use them, or even where you are going to head to, but it soon becomes obvious that you do not have much of a choice. Money is what rules many decisions in life, and it will dictate your life from now on.
You find a holdall from within the wardrobe. You have three pairs of jeans including the ones you are wearing, five black tee-shirts and three black polo-necks. You take them off the hangers and stuff them in the holdall, and then do the same with the underwear.
There are a few other items you take from the bathroom: shampoo, antiperspirant and your toothbrush. Whilst in there you catch sight of your reflection in the mirror. You are so pale, so lifeless.
Is this what he sees every time he looks at you? No wonder he doesn't want you.
You open the medicine cupboard and take out the scissors. Then looking in the mirror again you pull your plait around to the front. This time the scissors are sharp and do the job in mere minutes and after hacking at your hair you hold your long plait in your hand. Your head feels so light and your hair now just reaches your shoulders.
You throw the plait in the bin and walk out into the main room not caring that your hair is jagged and looks hacked, lopsided, wrong.
Lastly, from the bedside drawer you take the money Pepper gave you, $500. You had told her at the time you did not need it but she had insisted and now you are glad. It is all you have. You also take the official papers she had made for you. Your mind is still blank; you are on auto pilot. You need to leave. That is what he told you to do and that is what you are doing.
You pull your hooded jacket on and then the room is empty of everything you own. Empty of you.
You don’t look back and you do not say farewell to anyone because you have no wish to. Why would you need to? No one will miss you. You use the elevator and exit the building at the back. Just before you leave for good, you post the keys Pepper gave you into the letter box on the side next to the door and then you walk away.
Jarvis is the only one who sees you go.
*
You walk for miles, for hours. All the time your mind is blank and you are simply just following the pavement. You have no idea where you are going but this doesn’t concern you. Nothing does. You are in shock but you do not know this; your mind is just trying to survive - nothing else.
It starts to grow dark and you are aware of the cold biting at you. You just have your hoodie jacket on, no gloves, no hat, and you had forgotten how much the cold can hurt. You stop when you realise you have run out of road. You must have been walking for hours and looking around you do not recognise anything.
In front of you is a hoarding for a new apartment complex; you follow the site around until you can see a security guard in a booth but no dogs. You duck under part of the wooden fence that is open and into the site itself. There must be an area that you can get out of the cold and curl up. It is now so dark you can barely see anything but at the back of the site opposite is an twenty-four hour mall and some light breaks the surfaces. You find a ground apartment that has been floored and has a roof, it is something. Quickly you take of your jacket and put on one of the jumpers over the tee shirt you are wearing and then put your jacket back on.
You get into the corner of the room and curl up as tightly as you can. Your mind is so exhausted it surrenders straight away and you sleep until dawn when again it is the cold that wakes you. You still can't think. You can't feel your fingers or toes and end up hobbling out of the site and over to the mall.
The security guard at the mall cannot decide if you are homeless or a hipster, but gives you the benefit of the doubt. You head for the restroom and use their facilities, warm water to revive your fingers (you know you shouldn't but you just want to be warm), the toilet, cold water to drink, not very good but beggars can't be choosers. You stay away from the mirrors. You can't face food, the very thought makes you want to be sick and your mind clamps down on that feeling. You mustn’t think, just exist.
You know you have $500 but you also know that although it sounds a lot it really isn't. You need to find a place to stay, and a job: if you stay out on the street it will kill you. You are not equipped for it. Your mind steers you away from dying, if it allows you to linger on that thought you will think it is to good an idea. You start to think you do not have a strong enough reason for living but then you remember your promise to Jeremy Sands. Your mind blanks out and you start walking again, as far away from reality as possible.
The second night you sleep under a bridge and when you wake in the morning you can barely stand up, your body is telling you it needs sustenance, warmth. There is an underground station so you go down there and again use the restroom facilities but you try to make yourself a bit more presentable; a clean top, antiperspirant you have in your holdall. You even brush your hair but at no time do you look in the mirror.
You do not want to see yourself ever again.
This time you allow yourself to buy food and a hot drink, the cheapest you can find, disgusting but so good - until after your have eaten, and then your stomach rebels and you quickly have to return to the toilets so you can bring it all back up again. Still, for a short time you were warm.
Then you start to walk again. Your feet ache, so do your legs and you are beginning to feel it. You steer clear of areas with lots of people until eventually you enter a neighbourhood which does not have a lot of money in it. It is getting late again and your body is physically weary, and your mind exhausted, you do not know how much further you can go. Old brownstone buildings line the street and as you start to walk down it, it begins starts to snow. For some reason this panics you, you don’t want the snow, you don’t want to think about it.
Up ahead you can see a shadow; someone walking towards you. There is not a lot of light. As the figure draws near you move to the right of the pavement so he has room to walk by but something strange happens and without meaning to, you actually bump into him. You don't know how.
“My apologies ma'am,” the man says to you and touches his hat. You see his face briefly. It looks familiar, but then he carries on walking. You look behind you to watch him but the snowflakes make you blink and then you cannot see him any more.
When he knocked into you, you had fallen against a metal railing with a post fixed to it. You look up at the post and it is an old fashioned faded shingle advertising rooms. You look back at the street but you are alone. The man has disappeared from view completely, and yet...something about him was just so familiar. And the hat he had been wearing was strange, you thought it may have been an English bowler.
You are so cold now that you cannot feel your hands or your toes. You look at the shingle again and then at the old brownstone building, and without thinking any more you climb the stairs to the front door and knock.
A lady comes to the door and you are not sure you like her. She is not sure she likes you, but agrees to show you a room. It is at the top of the house and she only rents weekly. The room she shows you is cold and damp, but as she turns on the light and the radiator and you can see the room is clean at least.
There is a bed pushed against one wall, a small night-stand, lamp and a chest of drawers. Over the other side a table is pushed up against the wall. A small old television stands on it looking like a ghost from the past. Next to the table is a small stove to cook on. A cupboard on the wall holds some basic crockery. Another door is next to the window and she shows you the bathroom; as the door opens it hits the bath but there is a sink and toilet and it is all you need. The carpet is threadbare but looks clean. A netted window looks out over the front street with the curtains already drawn.
A weeks rent is $260 with utilities and the use of the washing machine downstairs. A deposit of $260 is also required.
Now you have to be honest with her. “I have enough money to pay you for one week, and a $200 deposit. I need a job and I will be out looking for one from tomorrow, once I have one I will pay you more.” You show her $460; it is nearly all the money you possess, and she can see that. It will leave you with $50. “If I don’t get a job then I understand after a week you'll expect me to move out and I will. I will not cause you any problems I promise.”
She looks at you silently.
“Please. I need this,” you say.
The thing about you is you always tell the truth and most people whether they like you or not, have always believed you. It is your one redeeming feature – even those who have suspicious minds trust you. It is a shame you do not realise this.
The woman looks at the money. The room has been empty for months and she knows that there are not a lot of people who are looking for accommodation. The money would come in useful. You look honest; and truth be told, she thinks you look as if you have just survived a train crash. She takes the money.
“One week, no refund if you don’t stay. And if you do stay you still have to pay the extra $60 deposit,” she says.
You swallow then nod. All your eggs are now in one basket but you don’t know what else to do.
“Follow me.”
She gets you to sign a book. Your signature is unreadable but it doesn't seem to bother her. She doesn’t want any other details, after all if you don’t stay it is cash in her pocket and does not have to be declared to anyone. She shows you where the washing machine is in the basement and surprises you by giving you clean sheets and towels. She also adds some coffee and a pack of biscuits, you stutter your thanks.
She takes you back up to your room and gives you two keys then just as she goes to leave she stops and looks at you. “A couple of blocks down, there’s Sal's Diner, he's always looking for waitresses.” Then you are left by yourself, alone.
You put your holdall down and make the bed up. There are two blankets but you will need to stay dressed in what you have on to stay warm. You lock the door, turn out the light and get into the bed, you are too tired to even make a cup of coffee to warm up. You curl into the smallest ball you can. Your old injuries twinge and ache. The room is dark, cold and the noises the house makes are strange and frightening to you.
You want so much to be back with him but your mind shies away from any memory of him whatsoever. You cannot survive otherwise. You can't cry and you fall asleep thinking of nothing.
*
James
He manages to convince Steve that he is okay, that it must have been something he ate and then he left and made his way to his own room. He knows he is not alone, that Steve will always be there for him but he feels like the bottom has fallen out of his world. He is angry with himself, and angry with her. For christ's sake with all Hydra made him do but when it comes to this woman he can't even breathe at the thought of letting her go? It's pathetic.
You have Steve. What more do you want?
He prowls around his room, can't settle to anything, can't get her out of his head. He needs distraction, he doesn't want to think any more and for the first time he seeks out company and decides to join the others, not realising that part of him hopes she will be there.
She isn't.
The rest of the day goes slowly. Steve knows there is something wrong but Bucky won't talk; he has gone quiet and they know to leave him alone. He sits watching TV only his thoughts aren't on what he is seeing, he doesn’t even know, he is miles away looking for answers, always looking for answers.
For the next two days he doesn’t see her, doesn’t think to ask anyone else if they have seen her. In his mind he knows he needs to speak to Steve and Pepper and finally he summons the courage to ask them quietly if he can have a word.
When they are alone he explains that he has told Freya she needs to leave.
“I promised I would set up some type of bank account but I don’t have the money and I don’t know how to -” he begins, but Pepper being her usual efficient self stops him there promising she can take care of that with no problem.
“But I don't understand why you told her she has to leave,” Pepper says.
Bucky is quiet for a moment and then speaks, his tone low and ashamed “Because I can't cope with her being here. Every time I see her I want to....to touch her, be with her and I can't can I? I promised you I would give her her freedom.”
Pepper studies him. A lot of her sympathy is with Freya, but the more she gets to know Bucky the more she knows that for him there will be no quick fixes. She begins to realise he deserves her sympathy just as much. “I've given her a job, did you know that? I could move her to a different level so you wouldn't have to see her, I could...” Pepper stops looks down and sighs. “When is she leaving?” she asks.
“I don’t know, we didn't....didn't talk about when,” Bucky stutters. He has gone quiet and introvert, he is feeling sick inside, doesn’t know what to do next, doesn’t want to talk any more about it. Just wants to just forget.
“I still don’t fully understand why?” Steve says quietly. He is bewildered, because he knows how much Bucky misses not being able to be with Freya, he knows how much the Soldier needs her. “Is it because of me?” he asks.
Bucky shakes his head and he bites the inside of his cheek. “She deserves to have her own life,” he says. He doesn't want to think about it any more, it has been on his mind and his head aches with the continued thoughts.
“I think really we need Freya here in on this conversation so we can plan things. Jarvis, where is Freya at the moment?” Pepper says.
“Freya is not in the building,” Jarvis responds.
Pepper looks at Steve and frowns, he shrugs. Bucky begins to get a sick feeling.
“Do you know where she is?”
“I'm afraid not Pepper. She left the building two days ago. I don't know where she was going,” Jarvis is apologetic.
Silence.
“What do you mean, she left?” Pepper asks.
“She left the building two days ago and has not returned since,” Jarvis clarifies.
Before they can stop him Bucky is out of the room and running. At the door of her room he doesn’t stop but bursts in with Steve and Pepper not far behind. “Freya!” he shouts and comes to a halt.
The room is empty.
He can see the bed has not been slept in, he runs through to the bathroom – also empty - and just as he turns to go he sees something that makes his blood run cold. In the bin, curled at the bottom, is her plait. He stops and swallows as he slowly takes it out. The hair is still tightly bound and he grips it in his metal fist as he walks out to the bedroom.
Pepper has found the two letters on the desk. One is addressed to Steve and she passes it to him. The other is addressed to her. Bucky looks at Steve and Steve cannot bear the look in his eyes; it is utter bewilderment and fear. But, he can also see anger brewing, it is like looking at Bucky and the Soldier at the same time.
“Jarvis, do you have any idea where Freya went?” Pepper asks.
“No Pepper I'm sorry I don't. I do believe she looked up bus and train times on her laptop before she went.”
She turns and taps the keyboard on the laptop in Freya's room. She looks at the history but other than what Jarvis has just told her there are no clues. “Can you check booking and see if there is anything in her name?” Pepper asks, knowing full well that Tony has Jarvis plugged into every computer system in New York, probably in the world.
“I cannot trace anything in her name but if she paid cash then it would not be registered, I'm sorry Pepper.”
She quickly opens the letter in her hand and scans through it. It is a promissory note to pay back the money Pepper gave her, an apology for not finishing the work in the library, and a thank you for taking her in. It gives no indication of where she has gone, merely confirms she will not be back. “Damn it,” Pepper says under her breath. “Show me her leaving the building,” she asks Jarvis and the laptop screen changes and shows the back door exit to the building. A few seconds later they see Freya exiting it, carrying a holdall and with her hooded jacket on. Her hair is cut in a jagged line just below her shoulders.
They watch as she posts the keys back through the post box.
“Zoom in on her face.”
Jarvis obliges. Freya's face is pale, her eyes blank. On the screen she turns left and walks away.
Bucky turns back to Steve. “Is there an envelope for me?” he asks, the anger rising. Steve looks away, he doesn't know what to say.
“Obviously couldn't wait to get away then could she?” Bucky says bitterly, his metal hand grips the plait tighter, he has forgotten he is holding it. He seems to stumble and falls back catching himself and ends up sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Buck I don’t think....” Steve starts to say.
But it is Pepper who comes up to Bucky, her own anger showing. She is not angry with Freya, but with him. Bloody men, don’t they know anything! “Why the hell did you tell her to go? It looks like she took you at your word,” her tone is aggressive.
Bucky looks up as if he cannot believe what she is saying. “You told me to let her have her own life...”
“To have her own life yes, but not to be alone! She is still sick! You saw the look in her eyes just now on the recording!”
“You...told...me, you and Romanoff. You have to let her go so she can have her own life,” he mimics a female voice.“I did what you told me to do!”
“Yes but...”
“So she can meet a man, have children....have a family! Those were your words!” Bucky says through gritted teeth.
“Look wait a minute you two, arguing isn't going to help her, we need to...” Steve has started to say just as Jarvis is also saying something, his voice echoes through the room, “That Sergeant Barnes, would be impossible.”
“What? What would be impossible?” Pepper asks.
“I have Freya’s medical file on record. She cannot bear children so she would not be able to have a biological family,” Jarvis' voice is non committal, he is just giving them the facts.
“I don’t understand,” Bucky says. He doesn’t think he has heard right.
“Hydra ordered for Miss Bowman to be sterilised, quite some time ago. The file says they could not allow you to...breed, that was the word they used.”
The blow hits him hard. “No, you have that wrong, she would have told me.”
“Ah, Sergeant the file says you did know."
"Can you explain a little more Jarvis?" says Pepper.
“The operation was done without Miss Bowman's permission. There was a complication and it nearly killed her. When the Winter Soldier found out what had happened, he murdered the doctor who performed the operation. As punishment, he was wiped for the very first time and she was made to watch. It turned out to be a blessing for Hydra as the wipe stabilised the two personalities that were housed inside his mind, it brought them together. That turned out to be the defining time in their experimentation. The file notes that this is when Sergeant Barnes truly became the Winter Soldier.”
The information stuns all of them into silence. Bucky is trying to remember, surely it is something he would never forget? He thought he had remembered everything about her. What other things have not come too light? How much more does he have left that is going to sneak up on him and tear his mind apart? “You said there was a complication?” his voice is unsteady and he has to clear his throat.
Jarvis hesitates. He has come too far though to withhold information now. “Miss Bowman was two months pregnant. She didn't know and they never told her,” he says and even now the air is still.
Then Bucky feels like he has been punched in the stomach and winded. He suddenly starts to wheeze, he can't catch his breath. He drops from the edge of the bed to his knees and the world starts going black. He can hear Steve's voice telling him to breathe slowly, in and out, he feels Steve's hand on his back.
“I didn't know,” he gasps “I swear I didn't know.”
Pepper has put a hand to her chest and now sits down on the chair at the desk. She is a worldly-wise woman but still has no idea of the evil of some people. “Does the file say....” she doesn't know how to ask the question because it is so personal, so awful but Jarvis is intuitive, knows Pepper.
“The Director in charge ordered tests to be done on the fetus but it disappeared. In one of the personal files Doctor Jakobs took the fetus and had it cremated so Hydra could not experiment on it in anyway.”
Bucky looks at Steve, face drawn, black shadows under his eyes.
“What have I done Steve? What have I done?” Bucky bows his head and weeps whilst Steve sits besides him holding him tight.
*
Freya
You walk to the diner at the end of the road, block, you must think differently here, think American. You see the sign your landlady mentioned. It has fallen and rests half way down on a low windowsill.
WAITRESS WANTED.
Some of the letters are faded. Another person would consider this a bad omen;, there must be a high turn around of staff but it doesn’t even cross your mind. You need a job, and this is a job. You are not suited for much else. Hard work will keep you busy, keep you occupied, keep you alive.
You push the door open and go up to the counter. The place is run down but clean, laid out just like the old carriage diner ... that thought stops in your mind, don’t think of the past. It is laid out with booths on a chequered floor then a counter runs the entire length with individual stools, the place needs redecorating but it is in a poor part of the city. What else are you going to find here? An older lady behind the counter calls out to you.
“With you in a minute,” she is putting things away under the counter but soon sees you haven’t taken a seat.
You point to the sign. “I'm here about the job,” you say.
She looks at you for a moment. Nice girl, polite, but then she really looks at you. Waitresses know a lot about people. Your clothes are simple, utilitarian, the hooded jacket you have on is thin, much too lightweight for this weather and she can see how cold you are. Your hands are nervous, but clean, your face is pale, dark circles under your eyes. Not a druggie she thinks, but something bad has happened here.
You try to smile back at her, and for that she feels a sense of motherly affection. Definitely something bad has happened here, she thinks again.
The waitress looks older than you - most people do and yet you are older than all of them. She is in her late fifties, bleached honey coloured hair curled, nice eyes and her name badge says her name is Honey, like her hair you think.
But that is as far as your thoughts go. Your mind only needs to consider the here and now, what is to happen in the next few minutes.
Honey decides: Why not. It's not as if they are lining up at the door. Kid looks as if she could do with a break.
“Come around here,” she indicates that you are to walk around to her side of the counter and follow her. You go past the window to the kitchen and then down a narrow corridor with doors each side. On one side the doors say Stockroom and Kitchen, and on the other Staff Toilet and Fire Exit. At the end is another door and she knocks on this, without waiting for a reply she enters.
“Someone about the job,” she says, then she stands back to let you in and closes the door behind you.
You are in small office with a man in his mid-thirties, going bald, plumpish, sitting behind a desk covered in paperwork. He points at a chair on your side of the desk and you sit down. “So?” he says and holds both hands up for you to say your piece.
Your mind is blank. “The notice in the window,” you say.
He is quiet but so are you. “Yeah the waitress job...?” he prompts.
“Yes sir.”
“And?” he asks.
You don’t know what to say; it is a long time since you had a to apply for a job, a very long time and you are totally out of your depth. Your mind is just about coping with walking and talking, dealing with people is something it is having trouble with.
“You don’t say a lot do you?” he says sarcastically. He has almost written you off.
“No sir, I'm sorry,” your truthfulness saves you again.
He stares at you for a bit longer. “I take it you're English by you're accent?”
You sit up in the chair. You need to concentrate, you need a job, you need this job. You try to think of the potted history Pepper has made up for you but the very thought of Pepper makes your mind skirt away. Just tell the truth where possible. “My father was English, my mother Russian,” you say.
“And what was your previous job?” he asks.
You swallow. “I was a nurse.”
He looks at you for a bit and then leans forwards and beckons you to as well. He indicates he wants to look at your hands. He looks at them, turns them over, short nails, clean, soft. He lets go and sits back.
“Have you done waitressing before?”
“No,” and you shake your head.
“Any references?” he pinches the skin between his eyes as though you are causing him a headache.
“No,” and you realise this is no good, he doesn’t want you, why should he? You stand up. “I'm sorry to have wasted your time,” you say and try to smile, and turn to go. You have your hand on the doorknob when you hear him say something.
“One week.”
You turn back to him.
“I'll give you one week, if you're no good then, pssht you're out,” he beckons you to come and sit down again, you do.
“Thank you,” you say, because you need to say something and you feel so relieved.
“Don't thank me yet you haven’t heard the pay and hours,” he says grabbing some paper and a pen. He also throws a small box on the desk. It is full of badges with names on them.
“Name?”
You hesitate slightly then tell him, he writes it down. “Hmm, I haven’t got a badge with that name on.”
You can see one of the names in the box and you jump in with your first ever true lie.
“I was named for my grandma, not a nice woman. People usually call me Sarah,” you say. This is the most you have said and it causes him to frown and he pauses in his writing. Something is off here and he knows it but if you want to be called something different who is he to argue. He shuffles the box forward and you take the name plate Sarah.
You don’t want anyone ever saying your true name again out loud. She no longer exists to anyone, not even yourself. You may have to use that name on official paperwork but you don’t want to ever hear it on anyone's lips.
“Address?” you give the details of your boarding house and he raises his eyebrows. He writes a few more things and ticks a couple of boxes then sits back. “Okay, it's six bucks an hour plus tips that you all share. Any food left at the end of the night that can't be used the next day is yours. You'll get paid weekly, any questions?”
You shake your head.
“Hours, then. We have several shifts but I need you to mainly work the 11am to 10pm shift. You'll have an hours' break for lunch and two fifteen minutes breaks. When it's quiet you can have as many coffees you want as long as you keep working. I expect you to be here on time and to help close up. You'll normally be on that shift with Honey, who you met outside. Two days off a week, I think you'll find they'll be during the week but double check with Honey. Think you can handle it?” he asks studying you.
“Yes sir but....”You have been trying to add up as you go along.
He raises his eyebrows, expecting a complaint about the minimum wage or something similar instead you surprise him.
“Could I work six days a week? It doesn’t matter which days.”
He studies you again. He has had trouble keeping waitressing staff because of the long hours, and now here is one who wants to work longer.
“No problem, but you still only have a week to prove yourself,” he says. He scribbles some more things and then pushes the paper over to you. “Sign here...” as you sign the piece of paper he gives you he carries on talking. “And don’t keep calling me sir, call me Sal, everyone else does. Pssht no respect around here.”
He takes the paper and gets up, you follow. He takes you back to Honey.
“Get her some uniforms. Name's Sarah, she's doing six days, told her you'll let her know her day off, introduce her to George and tell her what she needs to know...” he turns back to you. “Tomorrow. 11am sharp,” then he goes.
You turn back to Honey. “Do you always look so serious?” she asks.
You do not know what to say.
“Well I guess you do. Come on,” she takes you back down the corridor to the store room and finds you three uniforms, worn but clean. “Hmm tall aren't you? You'll have to take the hem down,“ and you nod. You are glad to see that the dresses have small sleeves which should just be long enough to cover the star on your left arm.
Honey never seems to stop talking but you don’t mind that, it keeps you from thinking.
“Tuesday will be your day off. You sure you wanna do six days?”
You nod and she shrugs her shoulders. “See you in the morning.”
You find yourself back out on the pavement. You need to think about buying a few items so turn to go to the convenience store you saw another block down. A cheap alarm clock, some tights, washing powder, a small sewing kit, a loaf of bread, milk, a tin of ham but after wandering around the store you find you cannot think any more and you head...home, no that is not right. Nowhere is home any more. You do not have a home.
All you need to think about is what is happening next, you don’t need to think about the past, the future, nothing but the now. Getting up in the morning, going to work, work, going home, sleeping, getting up the next morning. That is it, that is all, nothing else. You no longer live. You just exist.
“Well ma she's a strange one,” Sal says to Honey. They are mother and son; she started the diner with her husband all those years ago, and now Sal helps her run it.
“Reminds me of your father,” Honey leans against the wall outside smoking and Sal frowns. She raises her hand to point at her eyes. “Same eyes....when he came back from the war, they call it the thousand yard stare,” she says between puffs.
“Yeah see what you mean....only Dad blew his brains out.”
“Yeah. That's what worries me.” Honey drops the cigarette end and heads back inside with Sal behind her.
“Isn't it about time you gave those up Ma?” Sal complains for the millionth time.
She doesn’t reply.
*
James
People would argue that James is not alone: that he has Steve, he has friends in Sam and Nat. Pepper cares about him and Tony...well Tony is another matter.
But he is alone inside. He also does not know who he truly is and slowly his mind is spiralling out of control. Steve can see this but nothing he can do or say helps. Since Freya left Bucky has been quiet, pale, pretends to eat, and spends a lot of time running as if demons are after him. He asked Bucky why and he just said he was trying to run away.
“What from?” Steve asked.
And his friend had cried: “I don't know.”
Freya had left Steve a letter and he is glad that the shock of Jarvis telling them about Freya's past took the thought of the letter from Bucky's mind. Steve hadn't gotten to know Freya very well but he did understand how much she loves James Barnes. He could see it in her eyes when she looked at him, see the way if Bucky had let her she would have touched him. In the letter she has promised that when she is settled she will contact Jeremy Sands and let him know where he can contact her in case the threat of indictment happens and she is needed to testify for James. She said she knows Steve will look after James because she could see the love Steve has for him. What she does not tell Steve is that once the trial is over and she is no longer needed, she will end her life. She is not being dramatic: her only reason for not doing it now is in case she is needed for the trial. Once that is out of the way she wants peace and quiet. She doesn't want to live without James.
Steve asks Ales to visit. He is worried about the amount of migraines Bucky is experiencing - they are growing more frequent and are often now accompanied by severe nose bleeds and bloodshot eyes. Ales examines Bucky but he explains to Steve that really he needs an MRI scan to see what is happening inside his head. Bucky refuses.
Sam is the one who actually comes up with an idea, one that at first Bucky is dead set against. The problem is whenever Bucky tries to remember, the Hydra programming kicks in and the migraines begin. The deeper within his mind he goes the more severe the migraines are. Sam has a friend who does hypnotherapy sessions – he met her through his PTSD support group.
Steve had at first glowered at Sam. “Let me get this right, you actually want Buck to be hypnotised when he has spent the last seventy years being hypnotised? I mean why don't you ask him to just have his other arm cut off at the same time!”
“Steve, its not like that.”
“Really?”
“Really...Steve come on, do you honestly think I would suggest it if I didn't think it would give him some peace? Look at him Steve. He's unravelling. Pretty soon there won't be anything left of him. You have to do something.”
Even though Bucky is not with them Steve lowers his voice. “I need to find Freya. That's what I need to do.”
“And any luck on that front?”
Steve shakes his head. “No, Jarvis has found her on some CCTV but then nothing. Its like she stepped off the pavement and disappeared.”
“So...?” Sam asks. Steve looks at him for a long time and then nods.
“Can't hurt for him to meet them,” he says quietly.
Janis Morrow turns out to be an attractive black woman in her mid-thirties. When Sam first asked her to meet a friend of his she smiled and raised her eyebrows. Sam and Janis have been friends for a long time, and she has been helping him recently with his sleep problems - it wasn't difficult as for sometime now they have had a personal relationship bordering on something more serious.
When he brings her to Stark Tower, she is intrigued. When he introduces her to Steve Rogers, she is surprised but then when she sees the other man her heart flutters for a moment with fear. Like a lot of people she has heard about the Winter Soldier, and like them she only knows what she has seen on the television. Sam has never mentioned that he knew him.
Some people are natural healers. Janis is one of them. She can see Bucky is in pain and not just physically; she puts her hand out to shake his and she sees the trembling, sees the paleness but what breaks her heart is the way the man tries to smile at her, tries to put her at ease. She keeps hold of his hand and puts her other one over it. “Please trust me,” she says quietly, as if they are the only two people in the room.
They are in the communal area. It has taken them days to persuade Bucky to meet with Janis. The thought of someone trying to control his mind was so frightening he grew angry, distrustful and it is Steve who has finally persuaded him. But under one condition: Bucky is never alone with her. He isn't alone now. Both Sam and Steve are there but so are Pepper and Tony.
Pepper has come along because Tony insisted on being there and at the moment she feels cannot trust him. There is something wrong with him and she does not know what. He won't tell her, just smiles that Tony smile.
Tony is having trouble letting go of his hatred for James Barnes. For so long now he has had someone specific to blame for his parent's death, but now? Now he feels angry at the man for even taking that away from him. He knows it is unjustified, but his mind has come up with another excuse to hate this man. He believes no one can be persuaded to kill, not for as long as the Winter Soldier did. James Barnes must have at some time been able to resist them or at least fight, Tony believes he didn't despite the films he has seen, the reports. There is so much anger in him that has festered for so long, he needs the hatred to survive, without it he doesn't know what he would do.
Tony Stark is himself heading for a breakdown.
As Janis tries to explain to the group what she feels she can do to help Bucky, Tony makes trouble. He is sarcastic, makes comments, makes noises to show what he thinks of the idea and in the end Janis confronts him calmly. “Well Tony, may I call you Tony? What is your biggest problem with hypnotherapy?” she asks. Her voice is firm, questioning.
Tony leans forward, eyes focused on Janis. He wants to make sure that James Barnes hears what he says. “Well Janis, may I call you Janis? I don't believe you can persuade anyone to do things you want them to do by passing a watch in front of their eyes a few times. I don't think anyone can hypnotise or programme another person...”
“Tony!” Pepper is annoyed.
Steve looks at Bucky who is sat back, arms crossed but jaw set. He is taking in everything Tony is saying. Sam looks at them worriedly. Where the hell has this come from? Why is Tony suddenly so hostile?
Janis holds her hand up at Pepper and smiles: “Its all right, you would be surprised at how many people say that to me.” Then she focuses back on Tony. “Let me ask you a question,” and he nods, gestures with his hands that he is open to anything. “In this room who means the most to you?”
Tony frowns. “I can't see that...” he is about to argue but then sighs “...ooh all right. Pepper.”
“If I persuaded you to fire a gun at Pepper, and you did, would you believe me then?”
Tony is laughing before she has even finished talking. The others have gone quiet, very quiet. Bucky is looking at her now. “Oh give me a break...you really think you could do that?” Tony is smiling but as he does Janis has reached for her handbag and he watches as she withdraws from it a small gun and places it on the table. Tony tuts but there is a sheen of light sweat on his brow. She turns the handle towards him.
“If you check it you will see it is loaded,” she says and he reaches out but hesitates. She calmly looks at him and muttering he picks it up. It is loaded. He puts it back down on the table. “Now Tony, bear with me I would like you to recite the alphabet,” her voice is still calm, her eyes still fixed on him.
He looks at Sam as if to ask what the hell but then focuses back on her and begins to recite,
“A,B,C,D,E,F,G...” and as he says the letter G he picks up the gun, aims it at Pepper and fires.
*
Tony sits on the edge of the sofa, his hands are shaking. His heart is thumping and he feels nauseous. Steve passes him a cup of water which he drinks straight down, the glass knocking against his teeth.
He rests the cold glass against his forehead and is saying the same thing over and over. I'm sorry Pepper.
“But you didn't shoot her,” Janis is saying.
He looks up at her “But I know I did, I picked up that gun and...” He is looking at the gun that only a few minutes ago had been in his hand - but now there is no gun. Just a compact mirror. Janis picks it up and shows it to him.
“This is what I took out of my handbag. I don't have a gun, I don't believe in them,” she says. She hands the mirror to him and he takes it, looks at it, opens it up. It is a simple mirror in a case. The demonstration was easy, the moment she met Tony she knew he was a non-believer, knew he would cause problems. The demonstration she has done wasn't just to prove to him that it could happen; that someone could be made to do something against their will but it was pointed at James Barnes as well. She has shown them both quite simply in an ordinary everyday setting she was able to make Tony shoot the one person he loved most.
She turns to Bucky now and smiles at him. His eyes are huge, shocked, and the pain in them is tremendous. “For me to help you I need you to trust not only me but yourself as well. Can you do that?” she asks.
“I don't know. I don't know if you can help” he says.
“I can't make it any worse. But you will need to be honest with me.” And then she turns to the rest of them. “I need you to all be honest with me. I need to know what the hell is going on here.”
There is a moments silence and everyone looks at Steve who nods. It is enough for Janis. “Right. Lets start at the beginning shall we,” she says.
James Barnes looks at this woman. He had watched her every move. He had doubted her because he knows what a strong person Tony Stark is, yet she made him crumble into dust. Can she really help him with the migraines? Without those he can think again, think about how he can get Freya back, think about how he can cope with living.
Maybe even think about a future.
So you think you deserve a future now do you? the Soldier asks, he has been quiet up until now. The old Bucky shies away from a reply because he still believes he deserves nothing but death - but the new Bucky looks the Soldier in the eye. Yes, I do and it will be one that has both Steve and Freya in it. The new Bucky's voice has steel in it. But what I don't believe is that you deserve a future and I'm putting you on notice.
There is silence; there is no reply. Battle lines have been drawn.
- 86
- 87
- 88
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant