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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Chapter List
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Chapter Eighty-Four
Freya

You open your eyes, and then close them again. The light is so bright it hurts them. For a moment, you lie still in the darkness. You have no memory of where you are, or what has happened, and so you struggle to think. You can hear a rushing noise in your ears and your head hurts. You are lying on your side and you are aware of how painful waking is. Your body feels strange, alien, as if it does not belong to you.
What can you last remember?
You don't know.
Where are you?
You don't know.
Maybe at the base, or at the inner-city unit?
You don't know.
You struggle to open your eyes again and you can hear a beeping noise, quiet, and even. Your eyesight is blurry. Someone comes forward and touches your hand – or, at least, you think they do. There is a voice, a female voice, but you cannot work out what it is they are saying.
Your mind isn't ready and you feel so tired that you allow it to slip back into sleep.
*
You remember nothing about waking previously. You open your eyes and the light is so bright. You close them and then open them again blinking. You try and lift your hand to touch your face, to wipe your eyes, but your arm is attached to something and you hear a voice, a female voice.
“Hey. Steady. Not so fast.” Someone gently takes your hand and places it back down.
“Maggie?” you mumble. Is it Maggie? Is she here? Where are you? At which base? Your thoughts are confused, muddled, and your head is pulsing but as you struggle to stay awake the humming in your ears begins to lessen and you begin to see a bit more clearly. You try to sit up but it is beyond you and the woman tells you to rest.
There is something you must ask though before you sleep again, something important, and you try to hold on to the woman to ask her.
“Where is my Soldier?” But your voice is too weak and she cannot understand what you have asked.
“Shush now. Go back to sleep. You're safe,” she says.
*
You are awake. You do not recognise the room nor the woman sitting on the bed next to you. She is holding your wrist taking your pulse and smiling at you. She looks kind, but you have learnt to trust no one - except your Winter Soldier.
You would like to get out of the bed, but you can't. You have just tried and tipped over the drip you are attached to and the woman with you had to come to your aid. As she came forward to catch you she was trying to calm you as well, telling you that everything is alright, that there was no need to worry. She laid you back against the pillows and you could see the worry in her eyes. You don't recognise her at all. How does she know you? Have you lost your memory? And then you think something that makes you go cold.
Did they wipe you?
“I'm sorry. Are you okay? No, what a stupid question, of course you're not okay.” You realise that her voice is soft, gentle and caring. There is an accent there but one you have never heard before. She picks up the drip and sees that it is still thankfully attached, and then she is looking at you. You don't think you have ever seen such a naturally beautiful person before in your life. Her hair is a light brunette and she is wearing a cream coloured top paired with khaki trousers. You estimate that she is in her early thirties.
You do not have the energy to move as she sits on the bed. If she is evil, which somehow just looking at her you doubt very much, you don't think you care. You feel so tired, you just want to lie there and listen to her.
“My name is Keren. You are at a place called Stark Tower. Doctor Novak will be along in a moment. You're safe, and nobody will hurt you,” and she smiles.
Your mouth is dry and you want to ask her the one thing that means the most to you. She leans forward and picks up a beaker with a straw in it and helps you drink. The water is cool, refreshing, and such a blessing. You try again, “Where is James? Where is the Soldier, is he all right? Is he safe?”
Her smile falters for a brief second but then she is nodding. “He's safe and well.”
“Can I see him?” you ask.
“Later I'm sure, but for now you need to rest.” You want to argue but your thoughts are sluggish and you believe her, your mind needs to believe her.
You just want to know a little more about her. “Who are you?” you ask, and she smiles.
“I'm here to help until you are a bit better. I'm a nurse.”
“Not...Hydra?”
“No, not Hydra. You're safe, I promise. You're with friends.”
“Your accent...”
And she laughs lightly. “Can't fool you, can I? Kiwi. I'm from New Zealand. Just visiting over here really, and helping out a friend. Now, you need to sleep or the doctor will be telling me off.”
You are already closing down again but before your eyes close you ask again. “He is all right isn't he?”
And she smiles, and nods: “Yes, he's fine. Now sleep.”
*
When you awaken the next time, you are alone.
Although it is not exceptionally bright in your room now, the light still makes your eyes blink to try and clear themselves. At least you are able to sit up this time. You are no longer attached to a drip and you see a cup on the bedside unit. You reach over and very unsteadily pick it up, you have to use both hands to bring it close to you to drink.
Your body hurts. Everything hurts. You look at your fingers; two are splintered together, the rest show vague traces of bruising and scratches. You touch your face. You think it might be bruised as the skin feels tender. Then you look at your arms. On your lower arm the only mark you can see is where the drip was but as you bend your left arm it feels tight. The top is bandaged; just the area where the star is.
You gently pat your body and that hurts. You still have no clear idea of what happened, but you were obviously very seriously injured.
You look around the room. It doesn't look like any of the bases you have been on. It looks like a hospital, but then at the same time it also looks like someone's bedroom.
You push the sheets back and swing your feet around so you are sat on the edge of the bed. You stop as a bout of blackness threatens the edges of your vision.
“Hold on a minute,” you murmur. You reach down and pull your gown up to look at your legs. They show a few signs of bruising and scratches but otherwise are clear. You then peer down the front of the gown and that is when you see the wounds and coverings.
In a moment of dizziness you feel a blade cutting into your stomach, plunging deep, the pain is horrendous and you feel nauseous so you lay down on your side. You are starting to sweat and the room has gotten very hot. You pull up your feet so they are on the bed. Without wanting to you start to cry, but that hurts too and as that pain joins the pain in your belly you see another flash of memory, the knife again but this time forcing your ribs apart. You see the person holding it.
It was the Soldier who did this to you. Your Soldier.
You hear a door open and footsteps muffled by carpet.
“Oh no! Oh no, please don't cry.” It is the woman again. Was her name Maggie? No, Maggie was someone else. Keren. It was Keren, but you don't think you know her so how do you know her name?
You feel cool hands on your forehead and she gently eases you back into bed properly, murmuring to you, telling you everything is going to be all right, but you know that it won't be. You have lost your Soldier. You have lost James. And that hurts more than all the wounds on your body combined.
“James,” you sob, and you feel her stroke your hair but you don't want anyone to touch you and you turn away and try to curl in on yourself.
You hear her talk to someone. A man. Someone takes hold of your arm and you try to stop them but you can't you have no energy left. You feel a slight prick of a needle and then coolness enters your body and takes your mind far away.
*
When you next awaken the woman is there with you, sat next to you in a chair with a book in her lap.
“Hello, Freya,” she says, smiling, and you can almost see relief in her eyes. She leans forward and then stands, the book falls of her lap. She bends to pick it up. You wonder for a brief moment what she is reading. Such a normal thought when you don't even know where you are.
She helps you sit up and drink some water and then asks you if you think you could eat something. You think you are going to say no when your stomach reminds you it is actually there and it is hungry.
“Sorry, I can't remember...” you say. You want to know who she is. She tells you her name and says you are safe and at somewhere called Stark Tower. You nod as if it all makes sense. You are beginning to think this is some elaborate game of Hydra's and until you know more you will play along.
“Could I get out of bed? And, you know...” And she realises you need to use the bathroom. She helps you to one that is connected to your room and afterwards you are sweating so much you are glad to get back to the bed but instead you ask if you can sit in the chair. That seems to please her and she helps you to sit down. You see the title of the book she was reading In The Moon of Red Ponies by someone called James Lee Burke. What a beautiful title for a book, you think.
“Now, how do you feel if I leave you for a moment and go and warm up some soup?” she asks and you look up at her. Her eyes are full of concern for you.
“That would be nice,” and you smile. She tells you she won't be a moment and you watch to see her go.
You count to ten and then groaning you stand back up again and make your way to the door. You open it and peer outside.
What you see nearly takes your breath away and you open your door wider. You are looking up into an huge glass atrium. The floor is shaped like a gigantic oblong with doors leading off into rooms which you assume must be similar to yours. In the middle of the floor is a gigantic opening. You walk forward to the banister that looks over it and when you look down you think you can see almost right to the bottom of the building. Large trees and plants grow up and the light from the atrium must be what feeds them, gives them the nutrients they need.
You pull back when you get a feeling of tipping over the banister and look at the floor. The carpet is so thick and you move your toes to feel the warmth of it. You look around and then start walking towards a well-lit, carpeted corridor with even more doors leading from it. At the end there is a pair of double doors.
You take it steady, one hand on the banister, then the wall. Your body is reminding you it is still a way from being healed. You see a door that is ajar and you can hear voices. You have forgotten the woman, Hydra, or even to be afraid: everything else is too overwhelming.
You gently push the door open a bit more and look in, then take two steps forward.
The interior is huge and there is electronic equipment everywhere. Sat in the middle is a man in his early forties with short black hair, a moustache and a small pointed beard. He is seated at a bench holding what looks like a metal glove, and is talking to someone but you cannot see anyone else in the room with him.
“Just try...”
“But we did, sir...forty seven times.”
“Well try again, if I increase the potential to...”
“Uh, sir...”
“...to about ninety...”
“Really, sir...” And this time the voice coughs and the man looks up and straight at you.
You still cannot see the other person. You don't know what to say. The man looks back down at the glove in his hand and with a tool continues to work on it.
“So, our little guest awakes,” he says and you are not sure if he is speaking to you or not. He looks back up at you. He is quiet for a second or two and then nods his head towards the corridor. “Carry on down and through the double doors, I think Wonderboy and Captain Superior are in there.” And then he goes back to the glove and arguing with the non-existent person.
“Just try it Jarvis! Ouch! Wait for me to put the blasted thing down first!”
You wonder if you should say something, but the man seems absorbed in his work and so instead you turn and go back out. Everything seems so surreal, as though you are dreaming.
The woman leaves and Tony puts the glove down and runs his hand through his hair.
“Shouldn't you have gone with her?” Jarvis asks, and for a moment Tony just stares after where she is gone. He then sighs and picks up the glove.
“Now lets just try again and this time...”
You still cannot hear your footsteps due to the thick carpet and you are beginning to feel warm and heady again. You reach the doors and think there is no way you can open them but then they open for you and you almost step back. You take a deep breath and walk into the space they create.
You can hear voices, a mixture of female and male. You are in a very small area which leads through into a larger space so as you walk forward the room opens up. It is huge. The carpet has finished now and your feet are on some type of cushioned floor covering, harder but still warm.
To your left is a wall with what looks like two sets of lift doors. In front of you is a small expanse of floor ending in a huge picture window, and you can see nothing but sky out of it. If you continue walking right there are three steps leading down into what looks like a seating area with two L-shaped sofas and a couple of chairs. Beyond them there are another three steps going back up leading to what looks like a dining room-come kitchen.
Sat on the sofa is a relaxed-looking black man and a white woman with beautiful red hair. On the platform at the dining room table is Steve Rogers, another stunning redhead, and your Soldier.
James.
They haven't seen you and there is a lively conversation going on. Steve is laughing but as he looks up he sees you and stops, his face showing shock and becoming more serious.
Everyone looks at you, but you only have eyes for one person.
James.
His hair is still as long, in dire need of a cut as it is getting shaggy, but he is clean-shaven. He was smiling a moment ago but now the smile has gone. His eyes are clear with nothing in them for you. He is in clothes you do not recognise and something inside of you knows they belong to Steve. He belongs to Steve.
You step forward, but he is too far away and you stop. He doesn't move. No one moves at first but then the lady from the sofa stands.
“Freya,” she says, smiling, walking towards you. She doesn't look like a threat but you do not know her and cannot help but take a step back. You look at her and then back at James but he does nothing.
You look back at her as she draws level with you. “My name is Pepper. Pepper Potts. I'm so glad to see you looking better.” Her dazzling smile is genuine and she places her cool hand on your arm.
“James?” you say softly and look back at him. For a second something flickers in his eyes and you think he is going to get up, but he doesn't.
Pepper takes your arm and starts to turn you to take you back to your room and you look at her and she can see the tears welling up in your eyes. At that point the double doors swing open again and Keren bursts in. You think she is going to be angry but she isn't, she is upset.
“I thought I'd lost you,” she says worriedly, pretending to smile so you won't think you have done anything wrong. She starts to apologise to Pepper, who shakes her head.
“I think Freya just wanted a little walk,” Pepper says, looking at you.
You look back over her shoulder at James as they walk you out of the room. “James?” you say once more, but he looks away from you and you see Steve put his hand on his arm and then you cannot see him any more and they are taking you through the doors.
By now there are tears running down your face and by the time you are back at your room you are sobbing which is aggravating your wounds. You feel like you cannot breathe and you are sweating heavily. You can smell the soup on the side and it makes you feel nauseous. Pepper and Keren help you back in the bed and Keren stays by your side. When you have calmed a little Pepper explains where you are.
“New York City. In a place called Stark Tower. You are safe, and as you can see Bucky is here too and is safe. We won't let Hydra get anywhere near you so please don't worry. You need to concentrate on getting better.”
But all you can think of is how James ignored you, how he looked away from you. You always knew this day would come, so how can you blame anyone for it arriving? You knew it would hurt. You should be pleased for him: he is with his Steve. But a part of you wells up and wants to scream that you hate him, that you wish you had never met him, and that just makes you cry even harder.
*
It is a month since they rescued her from Cryo.
For the first two weeks, Freya was unconscious in an intensive care unit at a private hospital. When it was felt she was off the danger list they moved her in secrecy to Stark Tower. During the time at the hospital Bucky did not want to leave her side but they insisted that he did, promised him he could see her when she was back at Stark's, told him that if someone followed him to the hospital or saw him there it would put her in danger so he stayed away. Hardly slept, hardly ate.
Once at the tower they allowed him to see her, even allowed him to stay by her bedside until it was obvious she was beginning to come around, and then they told him that for her sake he needed to stay away.
She mustn't feel threatened. Mustn't feel she is still a prisoner to you, they said.
How? He thought. How can I stay away when she is so close?
The nurse, Keren, is from New Zealand. A former SHIELD agent - but with a difference, she is a fully qualified nurse used to working on assignments such as this. She is also a friend of Phil Coulson's, and he has been briefed about both Freya and Bucky. They needed someone on the inside and although Tony still hasn't decided if he likes Phil, he trusts him and so Coulson joined their secret project. Coulson is still experiencing problems with the fallout from the Hydra coup: SHIELD, or what is left of that disbanded organisation is in a mess, but he now knows Nick Fury is alive. For now he has bigger problems than Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier so it is reassuring for him to know exactly where he is and that he is no threat.
Whilst Freya was unconscious Keren had grown used to coming out of Freya's room and finding Bucky sat up against the banister waiting for news. She had allowed him to see her which they kept just between themselves – and, of course, Jarvis. That had to change when Freya regained consciousness. Although Keren knows most of the story, part of her believes that Pepper and Nat are wrong. Keren has an unusual aptitude for empathy which allows her to ascertain how people feel; it is what makes her such a good nurse.
The others didn't see Freya ask about her Soldier, and they have forgotten that Freya is not a woman of this century. Pepper Potts and Natasha Romanoff are two very strong willed women who know what they want and know where they belong in this modern world. Freya knows what she wants – her Soldier - but she doesn't know where she belongs without him. Her story is not a normal one, although it is told in countries a million times over: abusive husband/boyfriend – accepting girlfriend/wife. But there is more than that here and deep down she believes they are doing more harm than good by keeping the two apart.
Keren had been due to fly back to New Zealand and her family at the end of the week, but she has persuaded Coulson to allow her to stay for another week to try and help Freya come to terms with everything.
*
“It's better this way,” Nat is saying to Bucky whilst Steve nods to say he thinks Nat is right. “You promised not to put pressure on her. She needs to know that she is free now, and doesn't have to stay once she is better.” For a moment both the Soldier and Bucky hate the people who are with them, could crush them under their shared hand.
He wants to shout at them: I know her, you don't, didn't you see the look on her face? She wanted me, she wanted me! She said my name! She didn't call me Bucky! She called me James! But then that paranoid side of him that has been quiet for so long starts up – are you sure she wants you? Are you sure she wanted you all the time she was with you? Hydra had her prisoner, you had her prisoner, she can now have her freedom, she is no longer tied to you - so what if they are right?
What if they are right?
But...the look on her face when she saw him. Yes, but only because you are something she recognises in a strange world, he argues with himself. He sometime feels as if his head is splitting open. All this emotion mixed with the fact he is trying to remember things, trying to come to terms with life itself he feels as if he cannot cope, cannot do this.
It is going to tear him apart.
*
Steve watches as Bucky excuses himself and goes back to his room to be alone for a while. He thought there were two people living inside Bucky's mind, but now he isn't so sure that there aren't three.
There is Bucky Barnes: the man Steve grew up with, the man he fell in love with. He struggles to remember, to become again what he once was but he has told Steve he thinks that is an impossibility. “After what I've done,” Bucky will say, and Steve will try to remind him it wasn't his fault, that he was made to do those things. “I still did them though,” is his reply and that sad smile that breaks Steve's heart. When they make love Bucky is gentle, needs Steve to make him forget, lets Steve take control. Will do anything Steve asks of him.
Then there is the Soldier. This one scares Steve, although he is careful not to show it. This one needs him just as much as Bucky does but will not admit it. He does everything he can to make Steve hate him. Their love making is harsh, often both come away scratched and bruised. Steve has to dominate at these times otherwise he will get crushed and Bucky will get overtaken and he is frightened that if that happens then he will lose Bucky forever, even though his body will still be there. For some reason when Bucky talks about this Soldier, he calls him the second personality and told Steve he was worried that he cannot control him. He hasn't told Steve he doesn't always know when the Soldier takes over but Steve is beginning to realise this. They need to eradicate the Soldier if Bucky is to get any peace. For Steve that will be hard because a small part of him, a very small part has fallen in love with the Soldier because he is still part of Bucky.
Then there is the third one: the Hybrid. The one he thinks of as being the new Bucky. This one knows his mind. Steve believes when this one is in charge he is the most sane. He hasn't come to peace with what he has done and still believes he needs to pay for his crimes, but he will also accept he was made to do those things, that he could not have escaped. He is realistic, and honest. When he is sharing his bed with Steve it is a peaceful night, one of give and take, one of reality. And again, Steve knows he is in love with him.
All three need him, but he is beginning to realise that all three of them also need Freya. He can see the need in their eyes, hear it in their voice. The strange thing is when he thinks of losing Bucky to Freya or even sharing him with her he does not feel envy or jealousy. He does not know why. Maybe it is because of the day he saw her at the Smithsonian. Saw her pain. And if that is the case are they right to keep them apart?
But if they are to give her the freedom she deserves, where will that leave him and Bucky? He just doesn't know. And neither does Bucky. What a mess, he thinks. What a fucking mess.
And Freya?
She is on her own now. Keren has left, given Freya details of how to contact her - something called an e-mail. The two women had become friends in the short time they had known each other.
Freya remains in her room a lot of the time. Her wounds are healing. Both Pepper and Nat visit. They would be stunned if they knew how terrified they make her; they are so confident, so sure of themselves, yet so calm. And they expect her to be like that too. They tell her she can stay for as long as she wants, and Pepper tells her that something will be set up to give her up to date credentials and security. They bring her magazines to read, to show her what the modern woman looks like, what she expects of her life.
When she asks about James they smile and tell her not to worry. She forms the idea from them that he is happy with Steve and that she should not bother him, should not expect to be with him. She needs to get on with her own life now, one without him. She remembers how he looked away from her and she knows they are right. He doesn't need her now, doesn't want her now. Very occasionally he will visit but he is always with Steve, stays but a few minutes and will not look at her.
Most nights she cries herself to sleep. Most days she waits for the hours to pass and tries to sleep as much as she can to make the day become night. This is what they call living, and she doesn't want it.
They give her pills, tell her they will make her feel better. She wants to laugh and tell them: Really? If you want me to feel better then give me back my Soldier. Give me back James.
But then she knows, deep down she knows: she has to give him his freedom.
He is no longer her prisoner.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant