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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 76
- 77
- 78
Chapter Seventy-Seven
Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers – New York, It's A Helluva Town

Bucky Barnes leaves The Smithsonian determined that when he returns to his motel room he is going to start to go through the notebook she has left him. But by the time he gets back to his room he is in a bad way again. He cannot understand why his injuries are making him feel so terrible; he knows he should be on the mend by now. His system is overworked and having trouble keeping up with the damage to his brain that his headaches are causing. He is not eating properly and is severely dehydrated. He falls into his room and staggers to the bathroom, taking off his jacket on the way. What he had taken for sweat on his teeshirt is actually blood. He takes off the shirt and his hands come away bloody. Luckily his jeans are black; the left hip is sodden.
“Shit, shit!” He grabs one of the towels and tries to clean the wound so he can see it, but the towel is already stiff from before and will not soak up the new blood. He feels faint, darkness threatening the edge of his vision, and staggers to the sink to throw water on his face. He sees his reflection in the bathroom in the mirror, and the scene goes fuzzy, he cannot get a clear view and he turns, blinking. He needs to tidy up; if someone were to see this they would probably call the police.
He lets go of the sink meaning to go to the shower, perhaps that will refresh him, but he manages two steps forward and then goes down on his knees. He sees flashes of light in his vision, his ears are humming and he crumples to the coolness of the floor and that is the last he knows.
*
“I really feel a lot better,” Steve is trying to argue the case with Sam, but Sam wants Steve to stay in the hospital. Steve wants to go home. Natasha is looking on with an amused look on her face and Tony is, well Tony.
“And if you have a relapse?” Sam asks.
Steve laughs and then groans. “I'm not going to have a relapse. Look, I'm on the mend.” His ribs are still broken and his cheek discoloured, but the scratches are starting to look better. It is the gunshot wounds that most concern Sam.
Natasha adds her penny's worth. “It's not a good idea for you to go home alone; you need someone to keep an eye on you for a couple of days at least...”
Steve smiles that shy heart dropping smile of his as he looks at her, “Are you offering?” She tuts and smiles to show she's amused.
Tony claps his hands together as if something has been decided. “Right then children, it's settled. Sam, pack his bag. He's coming home with me.”
They look at him and he sighs. “Chop, chop, come on, time waits for no man and all that. I have things to do.”
He turns to leave the room, already speaking to Jarvis, arranging for Steve to move in. Natasha is already staying with him and then Tony suddenly stops, turns and looks at Sam. He points at him whilst telling Jarvis to make a room up for Sam as well. “And you can play nurse. Might as well have you all under one roof whilst you're trying to make up your minds whats going to happen next.”
If Steve is honest with himself, he would admit he would rather be back in New York.
All of the Avengers have at some time stayed at Stark Tower. After the damage sustained to it in a previous escapade, Tony rebuilt and included a whole floor dedicated for use by the Avenger team. They have allocated rooms and adding Sam to the Assemble would be no problem. Tony can think of no safer place for Steve Rogers at the moment...and he can keep an eye on him as well.
Steve arranges with Sam to visit his apartment on the way to pick up some things first, and by evening they are all installed in Stark Tower. Sam is impressed. Not only do they have their own rooms but they also have a gym, lounge, kitchen, library, theatre room, kick-ass lab (okay he wasn't so thrilled about that) – they even have their own Quinjet.
He doesn't even have to do his own laundry!
*
It is four hours later when Bucky comes around. The wound has stopped bleeding for now; the stitches are covered in a gelatinous mass and as he tries to get up his body actually has to unstick itself from the floor. He stands unsteadily. He feels light headed and woozy. It takes him a moment to realise where he is and what has happened. He staggers through to the bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed. He needs to eat, needs to drink and then he needs to plan.
He raids the kitchen for food, eats bread and milk. It's all he has. Not perfect but it will do for now. He showers but realises he has no clean clothes to change into and is forced to put on dirty ones. The bloodied ones he will have to toss. He cleans and covers the wound, takes a handful of Advil, and it then takes two hours to clean up as much of the mess as he can. He is going to have to find somewhere else to stay, somewhere more permanent, but he doesn't know if he can cope with thinking about that for now. Just surviving the day would be good. He sinks in to bed and is asleep in minutes.
The next morning he awakens knowing he needs supplies. Just down the road from the motel is a line of shops. A cheap clothes store, a 7/11 food shop and the pharmacy he previously used. There is also a launderette and a coffee shop. The fresh air makes his head better and another shower has cleaned him up. He even had a go at shaving. The wound looks angry but isn't bleeding which he sees as a good sign. He pulls his baseball cap down and heads out again leaving a note for the cleaner not to go in.
When he finally returns to his room he feels better despite the exertion. He has eaten and has a new change of clothes and groceries. When he enters his room he realises that he is going to have to cut his stay short; it still smells of blood, looks bad. His good mood is fast fading and in a moment of panic he thinks he cannot cope with this any more. Trying to shake himself out of it he switches on the TV, has it playing in the background on the news channel. He watches but there is nothing new in the coverage on Hydra and their failed coup. It's nothing that he hasn't already seen, but his attention is caught again by a familiar name. The news lady is giving out the story that Steve Rogers has been released from hospital to an untold location however the reporter covering the story assures her that it is believed to be Stark Tower in New York.
And this time Bucky knows that he recognises the name Stark. But he still doesn't know why.
*
The next day, Bucky Barnes is bound for New York on the Greyhound bus. It should take just over four hours. Despite all that is happening to him at the moment he still has a twinge of guilt for the state he left his motel room in; taped to the bathroom mirror is an envelope with $200 and an apology – it is the type of thing Steve Rogers would do and Bucky wanted to do the right thing. He is hoping they won't realise for a while that he has gone and that after seeing the money they will decide not to call the police.
All he has with him is his backpack and another bag containing his clothing. The money is safely at the bottom of the pack with the notebook and letter and all the other things she packed. The gun is just in the top for easy reach. He doesn't know how long he has until they come for him, until the tracking device in his hip betrays him and gives away his whereabouts.
In short, he has no set plan.
He finds a hotel and is given a room on the third floor. It's fairly decent, clean, and more importantly has a fire escape just outside of the window. It is half a mile from the famous Stark Tower and he can actually see it rising up out of the landscape. Now that Bucky looks at it, he wonders how the hell he is going to get inside. He can hardly walk up to the receptionist and ask to speak to the world-famous Steve Rogers.
He is also not convinced that seeing Steve again is a good idea. Why bring all that trouble to his door?
He settles in to his room and for the first time takes the notebook out and removes the rubber band. He flicks through; there are about one hundred and fifty pages and half of them have something written on them. He recognises her writing and closing his eyes closes the book and breathes deeply. He is going to have to face what he did to her sometime, but the longer he puts it off the longer he can pretend it didn't happen.
“Pull yourself together Buck,” he murmurs and opens his eyes, opens the book at the first page and reads. It is a short explanation of how he came to be with Hydra again. She warns him that more memories of what happened will come to him as it has happened before. Then she tells him to give himself time and to stay safe. Tells him to find Steve. Tells him she loves him so very much.
He turns the page quickly and there on the next page are the names of his mother and father and his four brothers. Just seeing the names hurts. He cannot remember their faces. For a moment he puts the book down and dry washes his face. This, he realises, is going to have to be done in small bits, in small steps.
“My name is James Buchanan Barnes,” he says aloud, trying the words. “But my family and friends call me Bucky. I was born in...” And he cannot remember. He knew the dates, but now they have gone. This is what he fears, remembering and then having it all taken away from him again. He massages his temples, sits back, breathes deeply.
“My name is James Buchanan Barnes,” he says again. “But my family and friends call me Bucky.”
*
The next day he is going to look at Stark Tower and then track down the local library so he can use the internet. Like a lot of things they had trained him on using a PC, using the internet. He hasn't needed it in a lot of missions but he is au fait with its basic usage.
The tower rises so high that standing below it he cannot see the top. He has walked around the perimeter, which took him longer than he expected. The entrances are at the front and consist of wide glass doors that open as you approach them. Around the sides is a low vegetation garden creating a pleasant surrounding. At the back of the building you cannot get anywhere near the building at all; it is all cleverly fenced off. He can however see a gate and gatehouse for delivery trucks.
The tower stands on its own with no other building close to it. It is made of glass and steel, and later at the library he finds out it has ninety-three floors, is powered by an Arc Reactor, has ten floors devoted to technological research and development, contains a hangar and lift off pad for helicopters and has its own Quinjet. Finally, its electronic systems are maintained by Stark's own programme: Jarvis.
“All I want to know is how to get into the goddamn place, I don't want to buy the fucking thing,” he mutters, receiving a look of disapproval from the woman next to him. But luck and perseverance gets him to a website that shows the floor dedicated to the Avengers. He still comes out of there with a pounding head and no idea of how to get in there. He doesn't want to cause trouble, doesn't want to kill or hurt anyone. He just wants to talk to Steve. He sighs. “Who am I trying to kid.”
Before heading back to his room he purchases some more Advil and stops at a small coffee house over the road from the tower. He sits outside, and when his order is ready a young woman brings it out to him, the place is quiet. She puts the toasted sandwich and coffee down and then hovers next to him. He looks up, is he supposed to tip? he wonders but when he offers her money she shakes her head and smiles at him.
“You don't look well, that's all. If you don't mind me saying...your nose,” and she touches her own. He picks up a napkin and dabs at it, and it comes away bloody.
“Sorry.” He feels embarrassed, doesn't know the last time he has felt that. She directs him to the toilets inside and promises to make sure his food and drink are still there when he comes out. When he does reappear she has also put a glass of water on the table.
“I'm guessing a migraine from the black eyes and the blood?” she says. “My brother suffers with them, always has done. You need to drink more water, it helps.”
When she has gone back inside he realises over the last few days he has had normal everyday conversations with normal everyday people and he feels his chest tighten as if he wants to cry. His emotions are all over the place, difficult to control.
“Jesus, Barnes, get a grip.” But a part of him can't help but start to feel human again.
The waitress comes out once more to check on the young man. He is cute in his way, but if you look into his eyes there is such sadness there that she wants to hug him. He is polite, does not say much but he visits the cafe for the next three days and she makes sure that she is the one serving him. She finds herself wondering why he always has a jacket on and wears gloves. Maybe a skin condition?
He learns that her name is Dot and she lives close by with her partner, Ava, who works for the postal service. He feels a tug at his memory when she tells him her name. Didn't he once know someone call Dot?
He cannot come up with much of a plan and something in the back of his mind keeps telling him he is not taking enough care, not paying enough attention. At the moment all he feels he can do is spend time near where he knows Steve Rogers is. He needs to go back to thinking the way the Winter Soldier does...but he doesn't want to lose this new feeling of being human.
On his fourth day he hits the jackpot. Dot is chatting to the people next to him and he hears her mention the name Captain America, and so when she goes to pass his table he asks her what she said.
“You see Stark Tower over there,” she says pointing. “Well, Steve Rogers is living there at the moment. I shouldn't really say this but some mornings you can see him; he goes for a run in the park opposite, sometimes stops here for his coffee...he's usually with this other guy called Sam. Gorgeous eyes.”
Bucky's heart begins to race. “How do you know he likes to run?” If she notices the slight stutter in his voice she doesn't make it obvious.
“He always runs whenever he stays there. He told me once he likes the fresh air.”
“Does he stay there often, then?”
Dot nods. “I get the feeling he doesn't like to stay inside; he's more the kind who needs to be doing something you know the type I mean? Needs fresh air.” And Bucky immediately knows exactly what she means and it makes him smile.
And there in his mind is Steve. They have stayed in for the fourth day running because it is cold outside and he has a chesty cough. Bucky won't let him out of the door.
“Aw come on, I'll wrap up warm!” He cannot even get Steve to sit down and sketch and he knows Steve needs fresh air, feels as if he is climbing the walls.
“Okay, just for a few minutes understand?” He wraps Steve up as though he is a delicate ornament wrapped in cotton wool. His friend can hardly move he has on so many layers. The fresh air gives him a healthy rosy glow in his cheeks, and they trudge through the snow to the corner and then back again. He can see Steve feels better for the fresh air and when they get back he asks Steve what he wants to do next.
Steve looks at him with those baby blue eyes and smirks. “Well, I thought now you could unwrap me,” he says and looks up at Bucky as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Bucky remembers the familiar tightening he would get in his chest when Steve looked at him that way.
“Oh I think I could manage that,” had been his reply.
When Bucky returns to his room, he takes up the notebook and turns to one of the empty pages at the back and writes down the memory. Then he curls up in the chair and closes his eyes trying to recapture it, the warmth of Steve's look, the smell of his hair, the comfort of his love. And as he remembers, silent tears run down his cheeks.
The next morning he is up and back at Stark tower at 5.30am, hoping that Steve is still an early riser. He wonders who the man Sam is that Dot mentioned. Is he close to Steve? A pang of jealousy runs through him.
The problem is that he does not know if Steve will come out of the main entrance or use one of the doors at the back. Dot mentioned the park and so he thinks it is better to wait over there so he trots over the road and into the park, finds a bench, and settles down. There is a slight breeze, enough to ruffle his hair and the leaves in the trees overhead. There are few people about, some with dogs, and some nod to him as they go by. Most ignore him but he is just happy to sit there and watch the world go by. He is free. But he is getting dangerously lax.
About twenty minutes later he sees them and moves from the bench. He doesn't want them to see him. He puts the hood up on his sweatshirt and after they jog by he waits for a few moments and then jogs after them at a slightly slower pace. Steve, he can see, is holding himself as he jogs as though he is in pain. He is too far away to hear all of their conversation but he can tell they are at ease with each other. Bucky vaguely recognises the man with him: this must be Sam. He tries to catch at a memory of the man, but it is being elusive.
“I suppose you're going to show me up, go do a hundred more laps that I am,” Sam is grumbling, but his smile belays the words.
“Well, if you've got it you may as well flaunt it,” says Steve and Bucky sees him turn his head to Sam and as soon as Bucky sees his profile he feels like he has been punched. He knows Steve's face so well. Has drawn his finger over those cheeks, gazed into those eyes and he slows his steps without realising until he is stopped and they are still going. He watches them jog into the recess of the park.
“What am I doing?” He stands for a moment feeling sick, hot, sweaty, his hands are shaking. He turns back to the bench and sits down, head in hands, massaging his temples for a few minutes. He knows it will be about ten minutes before they reappear and run the circuit around the park again. One look at those features, one look at Steve and he feels his whole world is on the point of collapse.
What did he think he was going to do? Go up to him and say hello, long time no see? Did he honestly think Steve would welcome him back with open arms? Ask him to join them? How can he have been so stupid? He has no plan; he is on the run from Hydra and all of the USA law enforcement; from SHIELD, or what is left of it. What did he think he was going to do? Live happily ever after? Did he think he deserves that?
The last time he met Steve he shot him not once but three times, beaten him to a bloody pulp, left him to fend for himself unconscious on the shore of the lake. “Christ, you're so fucking stupid.” He gets up, looks once more in the direction Steve and Sam were headed, and then walks unsteadily out of the park.
*
Next day he is back there again – he cannot help himself. His need to just see Steve is like a drug, he needs to know he is less than twenty feet away and if he chose to, he could reach out and touch him. This time he has an idea of what they will do, five circuits around the park and then a coffee at a coffee house on the other side of the park.
He follows.
Bucky was the love of Steve's life - still is, if truth be known - yet he has no idea Barnes is so close. The Winter Soldier is able to blend in, not be seen. Today he is there in plain sight but neither Sam nor Steve take any notice.
“So how is it today, easier?” Sam asks and Steve just smiles and rubs his stomach, pats it.
“Oh you know...”
He gives Sam that Steve Rogers Grin, but Sam can see the pain in his eyes. Not just physical pain either. There is a reason they go jogging out here, whilst they trust Tony with their lives they are not convinced that Jarvis cannot hear everything that is said in Stark Tower. Tony is not the enemy but he does like to know what is going on, has so many fingers in so many pies. He keeps them abreast of any news he hears, anything fed to him via informants within the government.
He is aware that Steve is looking for James Barnes, has even promised to help find him - but Tony has his own reasons for wanting to find the Winter Soldier. Part of an incomplete file that Jarvis has decrypted on a Mission Report called 'World Fair'. The date of the mission? December, 1991 – the very time his parents were killed. Oh yes, Tony Stark definitely has his own reasons for finding James Barnes, and he isn't about to let Rogers or Wilson know what they are.
“So do we have any intel at all?” Steve asks as they jog along. He has to admit the injuries from the gun shot wounds are still twinging and he can feel the stitches pulling.
“None. Natasha followed up on that motel room but nada. If it was him, we don't know where he went.”
Steve is quiet and Sam glances at him. Gradually he slows and comes to a halt, bends and stretches and blows air out. He straightens, looks at Sam. “So where do we try next? Christ, he could be anywhere...Hydra could already have him.”
Sam shrugs, he doesn't know what to say. Steve begins walking and Sam joins him. “He's not exactly going to use his own name if he's trying to travel out of the country. Maybe we should be looking at the Hydra remnants; if I were them I would be trying to get my rogue asset back in the fold."
“Great, well, if we could find Rumlow then maybe we might have a chance.” Steve is rarely sarcastic but he is feeling short tempered, feels that they cannot do anything. Rumlow had somehow survived having a building dropped on him and had been taken to a local hospital for treatment - but yesterday they had been told the police man guarding him had been found dead and Rumlow was no where to be found.
“Maybe it was the Soldier who took Rumlow?” Sam suggests and Steve doesn't answer. He doesn't want to think that Bucky is back under Hydra programming, back where he can't reach him. He begins to jog again, Sam still at his side.
Forty feet away Bucky watches them draw ahead. He heard a few words of what they said, recognised the name Rumlow but he most definitely heard that Steve and Sam were discussing the Winter Soldier, discussing him. Only, unfortunately, he couldn't make out what they were saying.
He makes his way back to his hotel, he is thinking again of finding somewhere he can use as a base, a simple room to rent. He still has money but he knows it won't last forever. When he tries to look into the future he cannot help the panic that follows. He cannot just keep turning up here day after day hoping to see a glimpse of Steve, hoping that one day Steve will glance back, will recognise him, will hold his arms out, will take him back. “Welcome back to the real world, Barnes.”
He is unaware of the fact he is breaking down. People look at him on the street and his paranoia clicks in, not realising it is because he is talking to himself. He has started to let himself go again, hasn't shaved, his clothes are starting to smell. He can't think, can't plan from one moment to the next. He thought he had control of it, but he doesn't.
When he gets back to his hotel he is sure someone has been in his room. He tries to take a deep breath, tries to talk himself down. Of course they haven't. If Hydra do come for him he doesn't want them to get his notebook, he needs to keep that safe. He thinks of getting a locker at one of the stations but instead he remembers that on his way to Stark Tower he passes a Self Storage Facility, he tries to grasp the name – Big & Small, Short & Tall Self Storage. Something like that.
He looks at his watch, it is late afternoon. He grabs his back pack, puts his notebook, cash and Freya's letter in it together with a couple of other items and leaves the hotel. It doesn't take him long to get to the storage facility and he rents from them something called a 'personal space box'. It is a space large enough to keep his backpack and a few other things in. He will have twenty-four hour access and when he asks to pay cash up front for six months storage they smiled and said they did not need any bank details – just a name and a contact number.
The woman behind the counter was trying to smile at the man; he looks like a homeless bum but he can pay money up front, and that she knows is all her boss would be interested in.
Sh passes him a form to complete and he hesitates for a second and then fills it in. She takes it back and turns it so she can read it.
“Thank you Mister...Rogers.” She then tears off the top copy and gives it to him as his receipt and hands him two keys. One has a fob on it marked number eleven. For a split second it seems right that that should be the number.
“If you follow me I can show you how it all works.” She takes him out of the office and around the back. They enter the door that the first key unlocks and he finds himself in a large room which for a moment makes him feel as if he is in a morgue. Each wall has small doors indented into them, spaced around the room in the middle are several tables and chairs.
She leads him over to door eleven and runs through with him that he has full 24/7 access, that they can also accept postal packages on behalf of their customers and as she talks about the other benefits he starts to lose focus. He just wants to place his bag and go. She finishes and then leaves him alone. He locks the bag up and feels at least he can keep his memories safe from Hydra. The address and telephone number he wrote on the form is that of Stark Tower.
He has used Steve's name. If something should happen to him, if Hydra get him back then it will be Steve the storage people contact with regard to the box. It is not a lot but it is all he has in the world and the only person he would ever want to have it is Steve.
By the time he gets back to his room he is having trouble staying upright. He looks around the room, wondering where he can safely store the keys. If he keeps them on him and is taken they will find his bag. The building is old and has the original older style furniture so the wardrobe is a stand alone one. In the end he places it taped to the front inside panel of the wardrobe to the left so it cannot be seen.
His head is bad again and he swallows down a couple of Freya's tablets. He has forgotten to eat. He locks his door, puts the chair under the handle. Doesn't want to think any more and collapses into bed.
*
That night Bucky wakes, mouth open to emit a soundless scream. The nightmare tries to clutch at him, tries to pull him back in and he blindly reaches out for his Constant, for her, for Freya. The room is dark. He isn't thinking straight.
There is no one there. The space next to him is empty, cold. For a moment he is confused, thinking she must be in the bathroom, and then he hears the sound of traffic outside.
And then he remembers.
There is no comfort for him. There is nothing there for him. She is dead. He killed her. He took her apart piece by piece and even whilst she begged him to stop he didn't, he killed her.
A sob escapes and he turns quickly and almost falls out of the bed, stumbling across the floor to the bathroom. Luckily he makes it to the toilet before he is sick. He is sweating heavily, the headache is back in place, his temple feels as if it is throbbing. He can hear her voice asking him to stop and his answering sneer – take this mess away and burn it.
He sinks down next to the toilet. Rests his forehead on the cold porcelain.
“No. No, please, no don't let me have killed her, please no, God no, let it just be a dream, a bad dream.” But he knows it is not just a nightmare. He did kill her. “But I loved her...” he mutters, as if trying to convince himself of something.
“You only love yourself, you only love your precious Steve, you never loved her...you used her!” The voice he is hearing now is angry; it comes out of nowhere and yet he recognises it as his own.
“No. You're wrong,” his voice sounds thin, whiny even to him.
“You killed her...you!” The voice is furious now. “I will never, never forgive you for that.”
“They said she was a traitor. They said she...”
“And you listened to them! She had never hurt you, stayed with you even after you hurt her, raped her, used her...”
Bucky stands up, hands tucked under his arm pits but trying to argue his defence. “No. I didn't do those things. I didn't, you did!”
And the voice sneers, laughs at him and he puts his hand over his ears but he can still hear it. “She trusted you and you killed her!”
“No, no, no...” Each time he says the word it gets louder until in the end he is screaming it, and then his eyes change. He is the only one there, and yet he argues.
“You believed what they said as well...” Bucky's voice has an edge to it now, one that Steve would never recognise. “It made you so angry you couldn't control yourself!” And as he speaks he takes a step forward each time as if driving back his attacker. “You! You took her apart, told her she was worthless, told her she was a whore, you did that so don't come the high and mighty with me, you and I are in this together. We both killed her!”
“She belonged to me! She was mine!” the Winter Soldier roars in retaliation. He hits out at his reflection and the mirror smashes, glass exploding into the sink and onto the floor and he hits it again cracking the cement of the wall.
He hits it a third time and then a fourth but each time there is less power behind the punch until eventually he leaves his hand against the wall and rests his forehead on it. “She was mine,” he whispers.
He looks up. There is one small shard of glass still hanging and he can see his distorted reflection in it.
“And what will your precious Steve say when he finds out about her? When he finds out what you did to her?” the Winter Soldier asks Bucky quietly.
He looks away. He cannot stand to look at his face anymore.
“I don't know.”
A hammering on the door stops him in his tracks and another voice enters the fray.
“Hey you in there! Keep the goddamn noise down will'ya, theres people trying to sleep here!”
And he then hears the noises around him, the traffic out on the street, a baby crying somewhere. He is in the middle of New York, it never sleeps. He hears a door slam.
He looks down at himself, he is in his underwear, blood trickling down from his right hand which he has cut on the mirror. Sweat stains his body. He feels incredibly tired.
He feels so alone.
“Don't hate me, Steve. Please don't hate me,” he whispers, and then turns and begins to tidy the mess he has made.
*
The drug high of seeing Steve does not wear off. It gets worse, leaches into his every thought and whilst he thinks of that he doesn't think of anything else. Over the next three weeks he waits every day, but is not always rewarded. For two days he does not see him at all and by the third he is feeling sick, nervous, starting to think of crazy plans, of marching into the tower, of demanding to see him.
And then he is there. It is mid morning and Steve walks out of the tower and ignoring the park turns to walk the other way. For four hours Bucky follows him around the city.
Steve does not seem to have a direction and in truth he doesn't. He is feeling cooped up, wants to get out, wants to get away from everyone asking him how he is feeling. He does not think of returning to his apartment – too many memories there of the night Fury was shot. He doesn't even realise where he is heading until he gets there.
Brooklyn.
He has been here several times now, back to his old haunts, usually only to find so many are gone. The cinema he used to go to with Bucky, the apartment block where he lived with this mother has been knocked down and is now a 7/11. But then he finds himself in a familiar street and before he can stop to think he is stood outside the Barnes' old house.
Mr and Mrs Barnes are long gone and the brothers have moved on with families of their own. He will have to think of what to tell them before anything breaks on the news. How does he tell them that their brother is still alive? That James is the Winter Soldier that people are learning about? Before they believe what the news says? The brothers are old men now - well, two of them are, the other two have passed but there are nieces and nephews to also consider. When did the world get so complicated?
As he stands there the hair on the back of his neck tingles and he turns around as if expecting to find Bucky walking up the street with that confident swagger of his. There is no one there, a single man in the distance but no one else. For moment he looks at the man again, for a second he thought...no, it is because he is here. He is seeing ghosts. The man is nobody, isn't even walking this way.
“Christ Buck where are you?” he asks quietly. Then putting his hands in his pockets he turns. He is going to visit Goldie's Gym, not that it is run by Goldie any more. Christ, he'd be clear over a hundred by now! Steve keeps a gym bag there in one of the lockers, he feels it keeps a bond with the place, one he needs.
Bucky watches Steve walk away and in his mind he can see where he is headed. He scrabbles in his pocket for a scrap of paper and a pencil and scribbles down a note to himself. He needs to remember this, to add it to his notebook because in his mind he can see a gym and he knows that is where Steve is headed. “He bloodied my nose once,” he writes and closes his eyes briefly, it is one of the memories Freya wrote down for him.
As Steve disappears around the corner Bucky slowly walks up to the house that Steve had stood outside of. He is expecting to see it has a coat of green paint, but instead it is pink and white. There is a different front door and the pots his mother kept out the front are long gone, replaced now by children's toys. He blinks and for a brief second sees that different frontage but he cannot hold on to the memory.
“Can I help you?” Someone comes up behind him, makes him jump. It is a woman in her thirties, plump, with a false smile and cold eyes.
He shakes his head. “No sorry...” he mumbles and she tuts and pushes past him to get to her gate. This is her house now. Without saying any more Bucky walks away; he is beginning to sweat heavily and his ears are buzzing, his left one itches and when he puts his hand to it there is a small amount of blood. He looks back and sees the woman is watching him and he turns back and walks faster now beginning to realise just how much danger he is in of losing it out here on the street.
Two boys on bikes watch him as he walks by them and he feels as if everyone is staring. He begins to trot, he needs to get away, get away from everything. He runs out into the road to cross the street and an angry motorist blares his horn.
“Hey watch'a doing crazy son of a bitch. You got shit for brains?” he hears the motorist yell. Shit for brains? Yeah that about sums it up. That's all Hydra has left me with. Several people turn and watch him run; he doesn't stop, runs as fast as he can, runs away from everything until eventually he has to stop, he is exhausted, doesn't know where he is. It is growing dark. He makes his way down the street until he sees a subway and can work out from there where he is, what he has to do to get back to his room. And when he does he discovers he has pulled his stitches. The wound is still sore, does not want to heal.
He is losing it, losing his mind, losing his way – and finally he realises this. He cannot go on the way he is. He sits in the chair and his mind is thinking, thinking of everything, he digs the heel of his hands into his eyes, sits forward. Freya told him to find Steve, Dum Dum told him to find Steve. It is his only option, he has to admit he needs him. He is Bucky's only salvation.
Tomorrow.
He will get up, shower, shave, put clean clothes on, walk to Stark Tower and when Steve comes out he will walk up to him and ask for his help.
It's a plan – it's the only one he has.
*
But the trouble with plans is they can go wrong. Bucky is waiting outside the tower. He sees Steve come out with Sam. He had forgotten Sam. How could he have? He knows Steve goes running with him. He is sure that Sam's reaction to him would be different to that of Steve's. Something could go so drastically wrong. At first he doesn't know what to do but in the end he follows them. There is nowhere else for him to go.
They do eight circuits of the park and then Bucky follows as they make their way back to the tower.
“C'mon, Buck, you can do this. Just go up to them, hands out, you don't want any trouble just tell them that...” But as he is trying to convince himself he watches them re-enter the tower. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now what?” He is lost, he had so planned this in his head he doesn't know what to do now it hasn't happened, hasn't taken place. He turns to walk away but instead hears a voice, someone shouting.
“Hey! Long time no see stranger,” it is Dot. The girl is always smiling. He looks at her and cannot help but smile back.
“Coffee?” she asks and he realises he is outside the cafe and he nods. She gestures for him to sit down and he does. For once he is happy for someone to make the decisions for him. The sun is warming up for the day. If he stays here a while maybe he will be lucky. Maybe Steve will come back out.
“I took the liberty, as you look hungry.” Along with his coffee she has brought him out a toasted sandwich and a cake. He feels his eyes well with tears, feels his throat thicken, it feels as if it is such a long time since someone cared for him. He looks at her and without thinking he tells her. “I know Steve...Steve Rogers,” and she looks at him surprised. He gestures over to the tower. “I was hoping to catch him, to talk to him,” he hears his words and tells himself to shut up but he can't. He wants to talk to someone, wants to tell them. “But I missed him,” he finishes.
“Can't you just go in and ask for him?” she asks and he shakes his head and tries to smile at her. “Well, eat up and maybe whilst you are having your coffee he'll come out again?” she suggests. He tries the smile again and nods. Leans forward and picks up the sandwich. The food is good. The coffee though is the wrong thing to drink in the hot sun; the day is getting bright and his head is buzzing again.
He finishes and goes into the cafe to pay for his food and is just coming back outside when he catches sight of Steve heading away from him through an area Bucky doesn't know. Steve is dressed down, white tee shirt, jeans, baseball cap.
He follows, and as he follows he talks quietly to himself. “You need to do this. Just go up to him...he won't want to see me...yes he will!” His mind is arguing with itself, one moment telling him to trust Steve the next telling him he will put Steve in danger, the next telling him Steve will be disgusted with him.
In the end Steve stops at one of the many coffee shops and disappears inside. Bucky is glad; he is feeling sick, his head is bad, the wound in his side aches. A few moments later Steve comes out carrying a coffee and cake and sits at one of the tables. He has sunglasses on and Bucky cannot see his eyes.
He so nearly walks up to him, he is only a few steps away but instead he talks himself into hiding in the shade of the alleyway opposite the coffee house. He watches as Steve picks up a newspaper and reads from it, sipping at his drink.
He is there. So close, so near. “I can reach out and touch him,” Bucky thinks. His head is fit to burst, the pain in it so bad and there is a whining noise in his ears. He knows if he can just reach out and touch Steve, things would be okay, he would be safe. He hesitates but then takes the first step just as Steve finishes his coffee and stands up getting ready to leave.
Bucky goes to call out, goes to come out of the dark shade of the alley, he takes another step but before he can go any further he feels a hand on his arm. His defences are completely down: his eyes and attention are only focused on Steve, on his need for him.
His whole body tenses but before he can do anything, before he can move, the hand increases its pressure and a voice says to him: “Red, white and blue, time for you to sleep now Soldier,” and his body and mind react to those words – the words to shut down the Winter Soldier. He makes a single noise of pain, tries to ignore them, tries so very hard, he can see Steve so close but then his synapse fail, he collapses backwards and unconscious into the arms of two men. They drag him backwards to the waiting van.
And across the road Steve Rogers puts a tip down, picks up the newspaper, folds it and puts it on the side. Then he turns and walks away.
Hydra have their Winter Soldier again, they have their asset back.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant