Inner Conflicts

Inner Conflicts-- Part 7 A/N: I seem to have trouble putting in italics on this site, so in the meantime, //...// denotes italics, and with it, dreams, flashbacks, and thoughts.  Oh, yes I have the story in it's entirity... I just have to change the codes since it was made to fit the look of my site.  For those that remember, it was removed from ff.net because of the ban.  All my other fics have remained, including "Oh My God... We're Gay!!""...We?!" which I swear I'm working on the next chapter (finally!) as an apology for t tha that had the love/hate relationship with this story.  :)   Inner Conflicts Part 7 Not matter how hard Kurt scrubbed at his skin, he could still feel Lance's fingers trailing across his fur. And what was worse. . . each time he thought about the way it felt, certain body parts acted on their own. It was shameful. //What is wrong with me?// he thought to himself.  //He. . . guys just don't. . . I don't like. . . what is he doing to me?!// "Kurt? Are you okay?" he heard Scott ask through the door. "Ja." A lie. A simple yet destructing lie. //No. . . no I'm not okay.  Please. . . ask again. . .I just can't tell it on my own. . .// "Just checking."  A dejected voice. For a brief moment, Kurt hated Scott. He hated that he was a respectable guy.  Why couldn't he demand to know what was wrong now? He did earlier.  Why stop now? Then the anger seeped from his body, going down the drain along with the water that rolled off his fur. Scott was only trying to make him happy.  After all, wasn't this what he wished for?  That everybody would just back off and leave him alone? Kurt sighed. He shut the water off and got out of the shower. Toweling himself off, he tried to think of other things.  Anything to get Lance out of his mind. Like, Kitty. . . Kitty who would never go out with him. . . just like Lance had. . . No! Evan! Evan was trying to be his friend, although his competitions with Pietro kept getting worse. . . Pietro who was part of Alv. . . Grr. . .Scott. . . forget it. Kurt cursed at himself.  This wasn't working.  No matter who he thought about, they had a connection to Lance, somehow, some way. . . Kurt wrapped his robe around him. He no longer liked wearing just the boxers and a sleeping shirt anymore. It made him feel too exposed.  The robe was like security to him. It made him feel protected. Kurt stepped out of the bathroom. No one was waiting for him. Feeling somewhat dejected himself, Kurt made his way to his room. X Friday. . . the weekend was upon them.  Just one more study time with Lance, and he was free.  Tutoring didn't extend to the weekend.   Kurt glanced furtively around. Today was also the day which the X-team decided to eat outside for lunch instead of the cafeteria. However, it seemed like the whole school had the same idea. He couldn't spot anyone from his team.  Well, he supposed he could always find Duncan.  Chances were, Jean was with him.  And Jean always knew where Scott and the others where. He frowned at the sudden thought.  Why did Jean hang around Duncan so much.  There were times that it looked like she really liked Scott.  But then she hung around that loser of a jock. Kurt felt a tug on his shirt from behind. Whirling around, he spotted Todd leaping away from him, something in his hand. "My vallet!" Kurt exclaimed, patting his back pocket.  "Come back here!" he shouted, running after the mutant. "Gotta catch me first!" said Todd, leaping into the wooded section behind the school. Kurt looked around.  These was no watching.  With a growl, he ported into the woods, hoping to get ahead of the little creep. He appeared right behind him. Todd just turned to face him, shrugged, threw the wallet back at Kurt, and leapt away.   "What were you doing?" Kurt demanded, sounding winded.  Seemed that simple porting zapped his energy. //I really should eat more,// he thought to himself. "Yo, man.  Lance just told me to get you over here.  The rest is none of my business, yo." And with another leap, Todd disappeared from sight. "Lance?" thought Kurt, his anger giving way to fear. He turned around and bumped right into a flashy wall. "Hey, Blue boy," said the dreaded voice. "Vhat is the meaning of this?" asked Kurt, taking a step back. He tried to think of where he could port to.  Hor, tr, the thought of porting on his depleted energy made him tired.  And weariness could lead to mistakes. . . like appearing in front of someone you shouldn't have. "Hey, it's Friday.  I figured we could just study during lunch and not stay after school." "And you had Toad steal my vallet just to tell me that?!"  Kurt stared at the taller boy, incredulous. Lance shrugged.  "Well, do the rest of the X-geeks know that you're tutoring me?" Kurt turned away.  "No. . ." "Kitty doesn't know either," said Lance.  "If I told her, I'm sure the whole institute would know in a minute." "Kitty vouldn't share a secret if you asked her to," Kurt responded, feeling defensive about the brunette.  Even if she didn't like him the way he liked her. . . she was still his friend. "Obviously she doesn't know how to keep implied secrets.  Such as, oh, say, someone asking if she would consider going out with someone like you." Kurt felt his heart stop. "What did I tell you, Kurt.  No one would ever consider going out with you.  Or at least, anyone with a right mind.  I know I'm a bit off the rocker, but that's cause you do that to me." Kurt stared at the floor, stunned.  Kitty had told Lance about that?  She wasn't suppose to tell anyone! It hurt. It was. . . betrayal. How could she! "I...I never told her to keep it secret. . . j . . . ." "Does it matter.  She didn't know how to respond.  Maybe cause she didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying no." Kurt swallowed the whimper that threatened to escape from his throat. That's what he had thought.  Lance had come to the same conclusion.  So it was true.  These was no slim chance that Kitty would ever get past his blue fur and like him for who he was.  Except for maybe. . . "Tabitha." Lance snorted. "Her? She flirts with everyone, Kurt.  Or haven't you noticed the way she gets big Freddy blushing.  That's because she sees most of you as charity cases. Fuck, she even told Todd he was cute when he was annoyed." Kurt remained silent, lost in his growing realm of despair. Lance watched him, a solemn expression on his face. In his mind, however, he was filled with glee.  Kurt had to know how hopeless the situation was.  With no one friends to turn to, it only left him. His face softened to a caring expression, a soft smile on his face.  He reached out and gently grasped Kurt's wrist. Kurt slowly lifted his face and stared at Lance's hand, as Lance clicked off the hologram with his thumb. The hologram faded, exposing the blue furred mutant. Kurt's tail slowly unwrapped from it's place around his waist and dropped, lifeless. He's posture made him look very much like a beaten dog. Lance then used his other hand and lifted Kurt's face up by the chin, and stared into his eyes. "It's not so bad. . . once you learn." X Kitty laughed nervously as some lame joke that Evan had told her. Jean's smile was forced as she too tried to humor the youth. Scott, on the other hand, didn't pretend.   He looked up in the rearview mirror, and watched Kurt. The German boy had remained silent through out the trip back to the Institute.  He wasn't even complaining about his hair and the way it lashed around in the wind when the top of the convertible was down. And he had completely ignored Evan's pathetic attempts to lighten the mood.   It was as if he were just some doll, sitting there. "So, um, Kurt?" Scott asked, coming to a red light.  "We missed you at lunch." "Like, yeah," said Kitty.  "We waited but you never showed." "Where were you, man?" Jean caught the feeling of tension as the three began to question Kurt.  There was a trace of anger. . . and then nothing. "Tutoring," said Kurt.   "Oh," responded Kitty.  "So it that why you're with us." Kurt turned to look at her, eyes narrowed. "You didn't vant me here?" "No, no! That's not what I meant.  I mean, like, you've been staying after school all week. . ." "We just thought you'd stay there today as well," added Evan. Kurt turned away and looked back out at the street.  "It vas the veekend. Ve didn't feel like staying after." Kitty looked up to the front, catching Scott's eyes through the mirror. Scott could see that Kurt's behavior was distressing the girl.  It distressed him, too. The rest of the trip was eerily silent. X Rogue observed Nightcrawler as he picked at his food. Dinner was unusually quiet, and there looked like there would be more leftovers than usual. . . again. Ever since she had joined the Institute, one thing she had noticed was that Kurt always ate a lot.  It took her a moment to realize it was because he must use so much energy just porting from one place to another.  He had always stuffed himself before and after a Danger Room session if he was on time.  And whenever there was a snack in sight, he'd grab it and eat it. However. . . he hadn't been eating much as lately.  And he wasn't porting as much either.  Lately, he would use the stairs rather than porting to or from his room. It troubled her. . . but it wasn't her nature to probe when not asked. She only hoped that Kurt would come to her, or go to anyone, with whatever it was that was wrong. X Kurt glanced at the kitchen clock as he grabbed the item he was after.  It was 11pm and everyone else was done with their showers. They wouldn't object to how long he took his. He ported out of the kitchen and into the bathroom, where the tub was already filling with water. As he watched it rise, his thoughts flashed back to earlier that day. //Lance kissed him. He leaned over and kissed him. And instead of running, or screaming, or something!!!. . .  he had just stood there, without reacting.  He barely blinked when Lance pulled him forward by the wrists. He was barely aware of the body that was up against him. All he was aware of was that Lance was right. Who in their right mind would ever pay attention to a guy like him?  A freak among mutants.   His consciousness began to creep back when Lance's arms slid around his waist. What the hell was he thinking?! Kurt startled to struggle, but froze when one gentle hand brushed the small of his back, and the beginning of his tail.// Kurt closed his eyes as the image in the mirror faded with the condensation of the steam. //His nerves were on fire, and the way Lance was touching him soothed thembsp;bsp;He let out a gasp as Lance repeated his action, and felt Lance deepen the kiss. He probably would have bitten Lance's tongue right off, if it weren't for the sudden weakness that plagued his knees. Kurt felt himself sliding to the floor, but Lance held on, not breaking the kiss.  He lowered him the the floor gently, and slowly moved his body on top of him. His hands continued to play across his body, slipping in and out of his shirt, over his furry arms, and over his upper thighs. Then he began to rock against the hardness that Kurt felt growing between his legs. A moan escaped.// A single tear escaped Kurt's eye.  It wasn't suppto bto be like that.  He wasn't suppose to feel anything like that.  Not with an enemy.  Not with another guy!  But he had. //He had bucked up against Lance, trying to relieve the growing pressure, all logical reasoning abandoning his mind.  He was possessed with nothing but the need to be touched, and it felt good. Lance broke the kiss and buried his face in the crook of Kurt's neck, letting out a soft sigh.  The escaping air ticked his skin, and cause him to shudder. He wanted more. . . God help him, he wanted more.// Kurt let the tears fall as he shut the water off.  He dropped the robe and stepped into the cool water. He lowered himself in and leaned his head against the tile wall and closed his eyes. //The bell had rung and suddenly it was over. Lance was pulling him up, and all lustful thought were fading away, being replaced with guilt and shame. Lance, in the meantime, had an indescribably look on his face, that held a trace of smugness. "We should try to hook up over the weekend," he said. Kurt was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of fury. "You. . . you. . ." he stammered.  "Schiese!!" He threw a punch and landed it across Lance's face. Lance just stood there, and slowly turned his face to look at Kurt.  A small trickle of blood was in the corner of his lips. Lance touched the tip of his tongue to it, then smirked.  "I liked it too," he said, before turning and walking away. "See ya Monday!" Damn you, Alvers, Kurt thought . . . I liked it, too. //  Kurt clenched his eyes as he held the knife he had taken from the kitchen against his chest. It was the sharpest one he could think of. There will be no weekend.  And there will be no Monday. He held his left arms slightly over the water.  With a trembling hand, he placed the knife against his wrist. The water from the fur of his arms slowly dripped into the tub's water. Drip. Drip. Drip. "No more," he whispered. One. . . two. . . . . . . . . . . . three. . . tbc