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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Sixty-Seven
The Winter Soldier & The Constant – Watching

It's not normally somewhere you would be. You're not sure you want to be here. So why are you here?
*
Life at the mountain base had settled down into a routine long ago. You found it cold, uninviting, and there was hardly anyone you knew to talk to. You had made the decision not to get to know people, it is too dangerous for both them and you. Especially you. It hurts too much when you lose them.
Maggie is the exception of course, but you have never admitted that to yourself. You and she have fallen into a friendship, although neither of you realise it. You both fill a hole in the other one's life. You as her daughter, and she as your mother. It did not take long, you were both in need of someone.
You are technically older than she is, but you still look as if you are in your late twenties. You feel older though. Maggie is in her early fifties. You don't realise that the easy way you have of talking to her is as a daughter would talk to her mother, because that is something you yourself have never experienced. And Maggie? She tells herself she is doing it to please Alex Pierce. Both of you love the men in your lives; both of you worship the men in your lives, but both of you are also growing to love each other and have become more than friends. There is a bond there, a connection.
You do not keep a running tab of how many times you have been woken out of cryo. They usually bring the Winter Soldier out for a mission but from time to time it can be for training instead. And that is what it is this time – training.
Or so they said.
In the old days you would be brought out and kept busy but you never knew really where in time you were but now it is different. You often find small gifts from Maggie in your quarters when you return. A new book, music, a pack of cards. She teaches you to play solitaire. Sometimes there are even magazines; just small things that make your life more pleasant – an illicit jar of caffeinated coffee that you have to keep hidden from the Winter Soldier. Last time it was a pair of fluffy slippers as Maggie knows how cold you get. They're all things that tell you there is someone who likes the fact you are in their life and that they care about you. Maggie will drop by when she accompanies Alex to the base and is in the process (the long process) of teaching you how to use the computer in your quarters. She is now threatening you with something called a laptop and for the first time ever you feel you are allowed to let go in someone's company. You can be yourself.
You got the giggles. “A lap what?”
And Maggie laughed, a real laugh, and then before you knew it the two of you were laughing so hard you were almost crying. It wasn't even that funny. Your sides hurt and you can hardly breathe. She has tears running down her face.
“You youngsters are all the same,” she tries to say and that just makes you laugh even more – youngster! This year you will be ninety-six (you think). And that is what sobers you up and before you know it you are crying instead and Maggie is hugging you. How easy it is to go from laughing one minute to crying the next. “Hey don't, come on...” she murmurs, passing you tissues, and you look at her and you see she is crying too.
“What do you think we did in a past life that was so terrible that it makes us deserve the life we have now?” she asks you quietly, and all you can do is shake your head - you don't know but it must have been something bad.
Both of you at times talk about the men in your life; you only have each other that you can talk about them to. You know that Maggie cannot live without Alex and she knows you cannot live without James.
And it is so unfortunate that at that moment the door opens and the Winter Soldier walks in.
When Jackson Caldwell told you the Winter Soldier would be different, you had asked him how and he had admitted he didn't know, but at least he would no longer think of you as a whore. But one thing you know now is that although the Winter Soldier is not told you are that anymore, it doesn't necessarily stop him from thinking it - especially when he is in his possessive, paranoid moods.
This wake-up is a bad one. He has been moody and off with you the entire time. He has been snappy, demanding to know where you have been and what you have done. You have been treading on eggshells for most of the time.
The Winter Soldier can still get so insanely jealous but you don't even think of your friendship with Maggie as one he could be jealous of. Not until now. Not until you see his face as he sees you sat on the sofa with Maggie's arm around you. It is totally innocent; you are both too much in love with the men in your lives but things can be so easily misread.
Maggie rarely remains in the same room as the Soldier. In much the same way as you cannot find it in you to like Alex, she cannot find it in her to like James. He frightens her. She stands up and hands you one more tissue and then excusing herself but promising to see you the next day, she leaves.
He has not said a word.
You get up, throw the tissues in the bin and try to smile.
“Sorry...we were just talking about women's things,” you say finding yourself apologising and shrugging your shoulders to show it was no big deal but you forget, this man is not normal, he does not share a normal life with anyone.
He watches her eyes, the way her cheeks flush when she says 'women's things' and inside he grows angrier. He doesn't like the other woman, doesn't like the way he sometimes finds them together, talking. The woman makes Freya laugh in a way he never has and he is jealous - out and out jealous.
And now? Now she has obviously been crying, is that because of him? Has she been sharing details of their life with the other woman? Telling her secrets? What has she been saying? As the anger surfaces so does the traces of that second personality that is allowed dominance at these times.
He doesn't say a word and you begin to feel unsettled. He is watching you, staring at you and you cannot read him and you find yourself flushing for no reason at all. You nod as if he has though, and then go to move past him to the kitchen but as you brush against him he grabs your arm – painfully.
“What were you doing?” His voice is dangerously quiet. You look up into his face, search his eyes.
“Nothing,” you say, confused, shaking your head.
“Don't lie to me!”
“I don't know what you mean!” And that is when he smiles. It is the thin-lipped smile of nightmares. You have seen it a few times since they brought him here and it makes you shiver.
“You belong to me,” he says and those words fill you with dread.
“I know I do, I know....Maggie is a friend, someone to talk to thats all,” and in your mind you are praying Please don't take her away from me, please God don't let him do that - and that is when you realise just how much she means to you...but not in the way the Soldier thinks.
You look into his eyes and try to plead your case. “She's...someone I can talk to. She's, like...like...”
“Like what?” his voice is hard and as he speaks his grip tightens.
“Like a mother to me,” you finally admit, not just to him but to yourself - what I always thought a mother should be.
“You are here for me. Just me. Do you understand?” And much to your shame you begin to cry again, silent tears that run down your cheeks. He turns you so you face him and now has a hold of both of your arms.
She has not replied and he shakes her; the anger makes him bruise her arms, makes him shake her harder than he should, makes her cry. “Do you understand?!”
“Yes...yes,” and as she speaks he propels her backwards until the back of her knees hit the sofa and she falls down so she is sitting on it. He stands so close to her, looking down, looking at her face, her eyes, her lips and then he smiles again like he did before. “You won't mind showing me then that you understand that,” he says unbuckling his belt and unzipping his trousers.
It has been a long time since he has forced you to do something you don't want to do. Whilst he has at times been cold and distant in your lovemaking, this is different. He is doing it to show you the power he has over you.
He grabs your hair in his right hand and pulls you closer to him. “So show me just how much you love me.” His voice is hard. You reach up and release him. You can smell that strong musky scent, and as you lean forward his hand moves to the back of your head and grips your hair tighter. You couldn't get away even if you tried.
He is not gentle, does not wait for you to take him in slowly and you feel as if you are going to choke. You can hear his hard breathing, you hear him groan and then the overwhelming taste of him fills both your mouth and throat as he comes.
“You belong to me...” he says quietly through gritted teeth “only me. You're mine,” he grunts and he holds on to you until the last drop. Then he pulls away, tucks himself back in and zips up, all the time watching you and you look downwards. You don't want to look at him. He reaches forward and puts his hand under your chin and pulls your head up so you have to.
“You won't...you won't harm her will you?” she whispers and he deliberately smiles, then, letting go of her, he turns and walks away. Let her worry, let her wonder if he will destroy the other person now in her life.
It is only a matter of time.
The tape that records everything in your quarters hears all. And now not only does the Winter Soldier know how fond of Maggie you are, but Alex Pierce will know to when he reads the daily report from your quarters. Something you haven't even considered.
*
After he had finished with you yesterday afternoon you tried not to think, tried not to argue with yourself about how much you hate him and how much you love him too. You wonder again at what Maggie said to you. What was it you did in a previous life? But then your negative mind jumps in. What if by serving some punishment for being such a bad person you are the one who has stranded James in this life? What if to hurt you more fate chose the man you love to suffer? You know you are being stupid but your parents taught you well in the art of guilt. You would take on guilt for everything in the world if your mind allowed you to and that makes you feel so very tired.
The Winter Soldier had showered and you had both eaten although you pushed yours around the plate. In the end he had thumped the table, making you jump.
“Eat it!” And you had obeyed.
During your time here you have not used the single bed even once. The Winter Soldier prefers you in his bed, no longer pushes you out but instead holds you as if he is never going to let you go. Tonight is no exception. He is brutal, he forces you face down onto the bed and takes you from behind. His body is heavy on top of yours, you find it difficult to take a breath. You have always found sodomy hurts you so much and he isn't quick; instead he uses long strokes to cause you pain until in the end you beg him to come. His hand is in your hair and he whispers in your ear. “I haven't even started yet,” and you clutch the pillow.
“Please,” you beg.
“Are you fucking her?” he asks and for a moment you don't know what he means and then you realise.
“No...no...it isn't like that...” He can hear the tears in your voice and you whimper as you feel like your skin is being torn. “Please, please...”
“Who else are you fucking?”
“No one, no one please believe me...” you whimper as more pain hits you. “I've only ever slept with you, you know that, please stop, please...” And you break down and cry, your sobs hiccup because you cannot get your breath and at last he climaxes and moves out of you.
You turn over, meaning to leave the bed to go to the bathroom to clean yourself but you feel his grip on your shoulder.
“Where do you think you're going? I told you I haven't finished with you yet...” and he pushes you now down onto your back, kneels between your legs.
He is already hard again as he forces himself into you, again his body pinning you to the mattress so you have difficulty moving, breathing. Then he is looking at you, deep into your eyes. His are cold but angry, so very angry.
“You won't see her again, do you understand?” But you can't speak. No please don't let this happen, you pray, but you know he means it.
“But I have to, she's Pierce's assistant, she lets me know what is happening. But that is all. I promise I won't be...friendly...just don't hurt her. I'll keep it pure business, nothing else!” You are not aware of just how desperate you sound, but he is.
He stops moving and grasps your hair in his hand and pulls your head so it is tilted back on the pillow and then you feel his lips on your throat, kissing you. His fist tightens in your hair and you feel him bite into you harshly on your neck until you cry out.
When he looks at you again he has blood on his teeth and lips. Your blood.
“As long as you understand.” And you whimper yes. Then that thin lip smile. “Good girl,” and he begins kissing you again where he has bitten you and you sob as he moves deeper into you.
Just before he comes he whispers in your ear.
“I'll be watching.”
*
And now you are somewhere you don't want to be.
He is awake this time for what they called training, but unusually they did not specify what. They woke you first as usual and twenty-four hours later you stood with them and helped him down from the platform when they woke him. The first day he spent in a haze of programming and sleep. The second day he caught you crying with Maggie and now the third day you are here in training with him so he can watch you, keep an eye on you, know where you are, know what you are doing. You feel as though you can't breathe.
That is why you think he has brought you here. It has not occurred to you that there may be another reason.
There is this hard side to him now which you believe has something to do with the second personality. It is as if a little part of that personality leaks through. At times like this it makes him possessive, suspicious, unreasonable. You have to learn to live with it until they next wipe him and you hope by doing that, it puts it back to sleep.
You have never watched him train in this complex before, and the area he has brought you to looks daunting. When Felix had seen you with him, he argued against you being here. “She can't come in here!” Then he moved closer to you, saw the bruise on your cheek, the shadow of a mark on your throat that you have tried to cover with your collar. Saw the way you won't meet his eyes and saw the Winter Soldier's grip on your arm – not letting you go.
He studies the Winter Soldier, the flat gaze, and knows this is an argument he is not going to win but he tries once more.
“Look, it's not fair on her, you know what she will see. Come on...” But the Winter Soldier makes you sit down on a seat in a small glass panelled enclosed area which overlooks another larger area that looks like an arena. He then leans in close and whispers something. He looks at you and the look in his eyes is...one you didn't expect to see. Not anger, not fear, not sadness...but something that makes you want to hold him and never let him go.
“I only have you.”
Is he trying to apologise for his behaviour over the last forty-eight hours?
He nods once to Felix and then leaves. Felix looks at you and then blows out air. “Sorry Freya, it's not something I would choose for you to watch,” and, shaking his head he follows the Soldier out.
You are not sure what Felix means. You have seen the Soldier train in years past. What could be so different here?
You look up as the light goes out where you are sitting and lights go on in the arena. It is a large area, the size of half a football pitch and although the floor looks like vinyl it has a covering of what looks like sand on it. There are bright lights shining down onto the area. That is when you realise over the other side is an enclosure and there are people moving about. Alex Pierce, Maggie, and others. Because of how things are laid out they cannot see you. From where you are sat you have no way out to the arena although you can see they do.
Why are you here?
*
Felix finds the Winter Soldier waiting for him in the changing rooms. He is in combat trousers only. Even his feet are bare.
He has been given no weapons.
Felix looks into the empty eyes. The Winter Soldier is waiting to fulfil his orders.
“Listen, just do what Pierce wants, okay? Then we can get back to...” Back to what? He can't call it normality.
The man standing in front of him, the Winter Soldier, has saved his life. Felix has worked with him for long enough now to know what he is capable of and a few times has felt incredibly sorry for the poor bastard but he cannot help him, no one can. He knows the rages he is capable of, the slaughter, but he is also aware of what this man can be if he is left out of cryo freeze for too long and the memories start to return. He is aware of his human side.
The Winter Soldier has already been given his orders for this 'training' session and he will follow them to the letter. It is so unnecessary Felix believes: a waste of time and resources. He was there when Pierce laid down the orders.
“You will remain in the arena. You will not attempt to leave it at any time. You will not be armed in any way. You will not attempt to use any weapons that become available. However, you will defend yourself and you will take out the men who enter in a moment. Do you understand?” Pierce's voice was neutral, not giving anything away. He has top level visitors with him touring the mountain base - top level Hydra. They want entertainment, and Pierce wants to please them. He wants them on his side, wants their approval, their money, for the next stage of his project; Project Insight. So far he has them in the palm of his hand. If they want entertainment, he will give them entertainment.
“Do you understand your parameters?” he asks and the Winter Soldier replies in the affirmative.
Pierce nods to himself and goes to leave but then turns back to Felix. “One more thing. Power down his arm.”
“But...” Felix knows Pierce will not rescind the order and so reluctantly he powers down the Winter Soldier's arm. It will still function, but just as a normal human beings would. The main problem will be the lack of power to help carry the weight of the metal. The order is therefore more detrimental than it first appears.
“Okay, then let's show these gentlemen what our asset can do,” Alex says, and then turns and leaves out of the back door to join his guests whilst Felix leads the Winter Soldier to another door.
“Good luck,” he says and the Soldier turns to him, still nothing in his eyes. Then opening the door he walks through and out into the arena.
He turns around assessing the area. Taking everything in. He has trained in here before but nothing like this. He can feel the sand on the floor already between his toes, irritating them.
He sees the people on the open viewing platform. He ignores the glassed off area where he knows Freya is; doesn't want to draw attention to it. No one can see into it so he knows she is safe. Only he and Felix know she is there. He doesn't understand why he wants her so close to him. He just knows he needs her there.
There is a noise and on the other side of the area another door is unlocked and twelve men come through. The door is closed and locked behind them.
A voice comes over a tanoy. It is not Pierce's. He doesn't recognise whose voice it is.
“Welcome, gentleman,” it says to the men who have entered.
These men are brutes. Some are ex-soldiers, some convicts, others murderers. But they have one thing in common: they are all from death row. They have been given this chance to get out of jail free, to start a new life. Just one thing stands in their way - the man standing over the other side of the room, the Winter Soldier - if he leaves this place alive they die.
They have chosen their weapons. Guns are not allowed. Some have chosen knives, some axes, one man even has chains, another what looks like a claw hammer - bigger than its normal counterpart but everything they have chosen will cause serious damage and will kill.
“Once this man is dead, you will have your freedom,” the tanoy tells them, and that is the only thing they need to know.
The Winter Soldier's mind goes into action immediately, tracking his enemies. He spends time learning their strength and weaknesses, who is willing to work together, who are loners. Each time one of them comes at him he ducks, weaves, making it look simple.
The auditorium is warming up and sweat begins to run down his body as he moves and ducks. Now that he has the measure of them he begins to pick them off one by one. One man gets too close and loses his life within seconds. Others taunt him, thinking the odds are against him, but they do not realise what they are up against and after quarter of an hour five of them are dead and there is barely a scratch on the Winter Soldier.
On the viewing platform Pierce's guests are watching closely. One of them turns to Pierce.
“I can't see that the odds are very fair. I know the money we have spent on this project, I know what he can do. This isn't that impressive.” He has always been a pain in Pierce's side. Pierce knows what he wants, what all the men on the platform want – they want to see the Winter Soldier bleed, they want to see him hurt, laid low, but then come back from that adversity and slaughter the remaining men.
Pierce thinks for a moment and then stands. He picks up a phone and speaks softly to someone.
He then turns to Felix and beckons him to follow. “I think it would be useful if the gentlemen can see how he copes when injured,” he says and walks down the steps leading into the arena. He turns at the last moment and beckons his driver Benny to follow.
Benny is tall, muscular, but only a few years away from running to fat because he likes his food and TV. He is Pierce's driver/bodyguard and he is no better than a thug, a bully, using his weight to intimidate. There is no intelligence there although he believes himself to be clever, he also is beginning to think he is invincible as Pierce's right hand man, even Maggie has problems with him. Felix likes to believe in time he will fall and fall hard.
Meanwhile, down in the arena the door the Winter Soldier entered through is thrown open and a STRIKE team enters, guns trained on the convicts, commanding them to move back. The Winter Soldier knows not to fight and holds his ground until Pierce is in front of him.
“Benny. Come here a moment, would you?” Pierce beckons him forward to stand next to him. Benny stands in front of the Winter Soldier, who is taller: but Benny is heavier, and that pure bulk makes him think he is unbeatable. As he looks at this pretty boy, he is too stupid to realise he himself is nothing but a mean bully. He has never seen the Winter Soldier fight before today.
“Do you think you can even the odds a little?” Pierce says. Benny frowns, not understanding and Pierce tuts. “Injure him a little.” And Benny smiles.
“Sure Boss.” He reaches into his pocket and brings out a brass knuckle duster and slots it over his hand. But as he steps forward and raises his fist the Winter Soldier throws a punch and Benny ends up on the ground. Benny is furious, belligerent, mean. Felix comes forward as several STRIKE members aim their guns on the Soldier ready to fire.
Pierce has stepped back.
“Wait! Wait, don't fire!” Felix says. “You told him to defend himself, he is just obeying your orders,” Felix shouts to Pierce quickly, sweat dribbling down the back of his shirt as he thinks how the Winter Soldier could take them all out if things aren't clarified.
Pierce looks back at the Winter Soldier, who is now standing still. Benny is pulling himself up, a mean glint in his eyes and a bruise coming up on his jaw. He steps forward again.
“You will let this man hurt you and you will do nothing to protect yourself from him, do you understand?” Pierce says and sees the frown on the Winter Soldier's face. The order makes no sense to him.
“I said, do you understand?” Pierces voice is dangerously low.
“Yes.”
Pierce steps back and nods at Benny and Felix stands, watching as the Winter Soldier does not move, does nothing to protect himself and Benny punches him three times in rapid succession in the gut. The third punch drives him back a few inches. Benny has put everything into the punches; he is determined to teach this pretty boy a lesson.
Benny looks at Pierce, who nods again, and this time Benny walks behind the Winter Soldier and lands three more hard punches where his kidneys are. A normal man would have toppled on the first one but the Winter Soldier takes the pain, hides it away for later but his mouth opens and he takes a deep breath.
Then Benny walks around to the front again, grinning, and without waiting for the go ahead punches the Winter Soldier in the face twice, breaking his nose and driving him to his knees with the pain as blood flows down his face. But after a deep breath the Winter Soldier gets back up and stands on the spot, bruising beginning to show on his body.
“Tough guy huh?” Benny says. Like all bullies the world over, he knows the man in front of him cannot fight back and he is enjoying himself. He turns to Felix and holds his hand out. “Knife,” he says, grinning. He has pulled off the duster and put it in his pocket.
Felix doesn't move but looks at Pierce who just nods. “This is sheer stupidity. He's an assassin for Gods sake not a....a...”
“I want them to see how dangerous he is,” Pierce says quietly, making it obvious this is the last time he will explain himself.
One of the STRIKE team walks forward and hands his knife to Benny. Benny takes it and walks back to the Winter Soldier. “Lets see how a big hard guy like you deals with a little bit more pain huh?” And he draws the sharp knife across the Winter Soldier's chest, opening the skin up and blood bubbles up straight away and dribbles down his chest.
The Winter Soldier does not move, doesn't even blink, and Benny's jaw tightens. He moves in real close, knowing the man cannot defend himself and suddenly draws his hand back and plunges the blade into the Winter Soldier's side, twisting it as it goes in. The Soldier grunts at the pain.
“Hey, hey,” Felix steps forward and Pierce's hand stops him.
“Benny knows what he's doing. He may look stupid but he knows his way around the anatomy, he comes in useful when I need people to tell me something and they don't want to.”
And he is right; the knife wound will hurt like hell and bleed but nothing serious will happen unless the Winter Soldier does not get treatment. For now though, he can live with it. The Winter Soldier is grimacing as the knife twists, slices through a chunk of a rib and is then removed and his hand involuntarily grips the area. He tries again to breathe deeply. Blood is trickling from his nose and dripping to the sand.
“Okay, Benny, thats enough,” Pierce says. Only Benny doesn't hear him. Instead he moves forward and thrusts the blade into the Winter Soldier's left thigh, again turning the blade in the muscle it has penetrated and causing a moments numbness which means the Winter Soldier falls to one knee as part of his leg loses feeling.
“Benny!” Benny looks around and Pierce sees the mean look in his employee's face. Benny is showing a confidence which is not good.
“Yes, boss?”
“I said that's enough!”
Pierce and the others return to their guests, who now have sat forward to watch the turn of events. Maggie is watching them now, although she averted her eyes to what was happening in the arena – she is just pleased that Alex wasn't making Freya watch this. How is she going to explain to Freya the damage done to the Winter Soldier when he returns to his quarters?
Pierce can see the greedy look in his guest's eyes and knows already that he has won. After the meeting he must have a quiet word with Maggie and get her to hire another driver. Benny has reached his 'sell by' date. He will get Felix or one of this men to deal with him later.
The STRIKE team withdraw, leaving the Winter Soldier down on one knee, bleeding, and wounded. The door is closed behind them but he wouldn't even try to escape if the door had been left open, escape is not an option open to him.
There are seven convicts left.
*
When you saw what was happening the first thing you tried to do was find a way out of the glass enclosure and into the arena, but there isn't one. Exactly what is it you think you could have done if you could have got out there? The door behind you leads to the corridor, and although you could go back to your quarters you cannot leave him.
You watched in horror at the first part of whatever the hell this is. You could see there is a problem with his left arm; at times the weight of it made him lean to the side, and that meant someone had powered it down. What the hell for? What was happening? This is not a training session whatever Pierce calls it.
Over in the enclosure you can see Pierce and his cronies. And Maggie. She is sat watching, and from time to time answers questions from the men or passes them coffee; whatever they want, you even see her laugh on occasion. Is this why you are here? Is this what he wanted you to see? That Maggie is one of them? You had no doubt about that. You know that Maggie will do anything Pierce asks of her. You would do the same for the Winter Soldier.
You have no doubt the Soldier would kill the men in the ring but why do you have to watch? What is behind his thinking?
And then you see Pierce join him in the arena. A small team of STRIKE soldiers enter and hold the convicts at bay – you are sure you recognise one of the team as the man Caldwell introduced you to so long ago. What was his name? Rumlow?
You see a fat man whom you know is Pierce's chauffeur, and you see the Winter Soldier floor him. But then something changes and instead the man is hitting the Soldier and he is not fighting back – just standing there, taking it. You saw the glint of a knife and watch the damage done. Why isn't he defending himself? From here you can see blood running down his face, his side and his thigh and you can see they have deliberately injured him.
Then they leave him to face the remaining men. The men who are armed and in good health. He has no weapon and you cannot understand why he does not pick up one of those dropped by the men he has killed. You do not know he is under orders not to.
You sit down slowly, not being able to tear your eyes away as the fight begins again. There is nothing you can do.
*
The convicts have not wasted any time now they know their prey is injured. There is no pity in any of them.
The Winter Soldier stands, his blood mixing with the sand, but all he is focused on now is speed. He needs to take these men down as fast as possible because he knows he is seriously injured - not enough to stop him, but enough to know that he does not have long.
The men have joined together. Two have knives, two axes, one seems to have found a machete from somewhere, one chains and the last a claw hammer. That is the most dangerous weapon, because it is too small to track in the action.
It takes him twenty long minutes to kill them. It had come down to the remaining man who had the hammer. As the others had fought that man had kept swinging the hammer into both of the injuries Benny had inflicted and into the Soldier's left knee, trying to create more weakness.
When the last man has been killed, Pierce's guests in the enclosure had actually stood up and clapped.
Do they think they are emperors? Maggie thinks to herself, still stunned by what she had to see and by their reactions, but she should know better and does not display her shock.
What the hell? Felix thinks, already moving to run out to the arena.
“See to our boy...” Pierce had said to him, already moving his guests out so they could be entertained elsewhere. Maggie has laid on food and more drink, by the time they head back they will be as drunk and as bloated as skunks.
Felix has already sent Jason to show Freya the way to the arena and a medical team are also en route. The Soldier is on his knees, head down, rasping for breath. Dead men surround him, their blood mixing with his in the sand.
*
You are both back in your quarters. The Winter Soldier bearing stitches and cuts and bruises over his body, his nose broken and his eyes blackened. They gave him an MRI to ensure sure the knife had not done serious damage inside and he had been lucky – thats what they had said and you had glowered at them. Lucky? Even his feet are bruised and scratched, with blisters between the toes where the sand had irritated them.
His arm has been powered back up but there are problems with his left knee. They will have to operate tomorrow as the metal in his knee has been dented from the continual blows and it is difficult for him to straighten his leg out.
At some time during the fight, sand had been thrown in his eyes and they are red and sore. You kept having to smack his hand to stop him from rubbing at them and making the damage worse. You washed them carefully, at first getting him to submerge his face in a bowl of water and opening his eyes. You didn't have a special eye wash so you had to use sterilised water. You just hope it is enough until the serum can start it's work.
After the medical team had finished with him he insisted on returning to his quarters. He did not want to spend the night in the medical bay.
You helped him into bed and then gave him a bed bath, trying to be as careful as you could, sponging carefully around the stitches and bandages. You cleaned his feet, ensuring all the sand was washed away and then massaged cream into the soles. After that you rubbed lotions into his scarring and then helped him dress in clean pyjama bottoms.
The heat coming from him now is strong and he is sweating profusely, the saltiness of the sweat running down into his wounds. You wish there were a window you could open. Instead you borrow three fans from the main room and have them blowing cool air over the bed to try and make him more comfortable.
And all the time as you help him he watches you, obeys you when you tell him to move or lift his arm...or do anything really. And then he lifts his hand and caresses your face and you realise you are crying. Why do you always cry? It doesn't matter if you are hurt, angry, upset: you cry. It is a weakness in you, one you cannot control when it comes to him. You close your eyes and lean into his hand. He pulls you closer so he can kiss your lips.
“Careful,” you say. You don't want to hurt him.
“You hate me don't you? You must,” he says, looking into your eyes. He could drown in them.
“No! No why would you think that?” you ask, sitting on the side of the bed.
“Because I hate myself. I hurt you...I was jealous, I wanted to hurt you. I made you watch this afternoon. I wanted you to see what Pierce and his woman are really like...but I'm worse than them, much worse...I needed you there, close by, it was selfish but I couldn't stop myself.” He looks down picking at the loose threads of the blankets – so like James in so many ways. “I have such difficulty controlling myself at times. Theres this...anger, this...rage inside of me which takes over and...” He falls quiet and you think he has finished. You go to say something when suddenly he looks up at you. “I can't control him,” he says and there is fear in his words.
You know exactly who he is talking about.
How do you reply? You were about to say that people such as Pierce are in Hydra because they want power, money they are greedy, they want everything. But the Winter Soldier is different – how do you explain that difference to him. How - when you cannot tell him about James?
How do you answer him about the dangerous side of him that even he cannot control?
You lean in close to him, draw the back of your fingers down his cheek, look into those eyes that are so damaged in more ways than one.
“I will help you, I promise. I will take anything he throws at me and I will never leave you.” You kiss his lips gently. “Never, never compare yourself to them. Your life is totally different to theirs. You do what you do because you believe you are making a better world. You do not have the choice of making up your own mind about something. You are not allowed to...to be you.”
He looks at you and you don't believe the tears in his eyes are because of the sand. He has so much conflict inside his mind, how does he cope? How does he not explode? The answer is that re-emergence of that part of him that has been released, the part he cannot control and you cannot blame him for that. Not in any way. He hurts just as much as the rest of you do but even then when he begins to find the road back to finding himself they take it away again.
“You hurt me, yes, and if you did that of your own volition I would hate you...but you don't. You know we can't talk of...things, but listen to me carefully. I love you, I will never leave you no matter how much you hurt me, you are my life, without you I am nothing.” You kiss him gently.
You know there is one more thing you need to talk to him about: Maggie.
“Whilst we are talking honestly to each other I need to talk to you about something,” you say and he can see it's important to you. You take his hand and hold it in yours. “I just told you how much I love you, how I can't live without you. Maggie...” He goes to interrupt but you shake your head slightly and he closes his mouth and looks down at the covers, “Maggie feels the same way about Alex. She could do nothing to hurt him or to allow harm to come to him and sometimes...sometimes that can make you feel so incredibly alone when the person you love does not love you back with the same intensity.”
He looks back up not realising she is not just talking about Maggie. She is talking about herself as well. If he had realised he would have told her he loves her but he takes it for granted that she knows. He doesn't realise he has never told her how he feels about her, never used those words I love you.
“My parents loved each other, but they never loved me. They weren't cruel; they just did not have the capacity to love anyone else but each other. Because of that, it was as if I grew up without a mother and for some reason when I first met Maggie we 'clicked', but not in any other way than as a daughter would to a mother. I feel something for her but it is you I love, you who means the world to me. If you want me to stop seeing her when I needn't I will because that is how much I love you – but it will hurt me. Can you understand that?”
Her eyes search his and he wants to just hold her, tell her he doesn't want anything else to hurt her but he knows sometime in the future he will forget. He belongs to Hydra. He was made by them for the intense purpose of hurting and killing. How can he make promises?
“I won't stop you and I won't hurt her,” he says, “but...” and he stops, not knowing how to put into words his greatest fear.
“But?” she says.
“You are all I have. What if I lose you? I can't lose you to anyone. Please understand, please,” his voice is a whisper.
She leans forward and kisses his forehead and she knows that they will have this conversation in the future a million times over. “You won't lose me. The only person who can ever tell me to leave you is you.”
And that is something that he can never envisage doing.
*
Later that night when he is asleep next to you, snoring because of his broken nose, you lie awake worrying about who you have become.
He once said that Hydra had created him as a killing machine, something that only ever hurts people. Today you stood by and watched him kill twelve people and not once did you consider them, their lives, their right to live. You didn't cry for them.
Now as the minutes tick by you turn your mind back to the missions he goes on. You never know the details of them except they will have resulted in the deaths of people you do not know. Each time you pray for his safe return, pray that he is not harmed. Not once do you think of the victims. What about the mission you had been on where the young girl was killed? You lie there now, her name was Lisa, she wanted to be a hairdresser but you can't even bring her face to mind. It used to make you cry but now the only time you seem to cry is for yourself.
What has Hydra turned you into? And even worse, why does it not seem to bother you anymore? Why do you not cry for the others?
You could drive yourself mad with the question. Perhaps you and the Winter Soldier have more in common than you believed.
The only thing is, he has Hydra to blame.
But you? You have no one to blame but yourself.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant