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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 58
- 59
- 60
Chapter Fifty-Nine
The Constant & The Winter Soldier - A New Life

The Winter Soldier
He is used to pain, used to suffering - but this? This is indescribable. His entire body is on fire. There is fire in his veins, and he can feel his bones moving shifting, stretching. Through it all, he cannot even scream.
Cannot even beg them to let him die.
He is aware of noise around him, of people with panic in their voices. Some he recognises, but there is only one he is searching for: the woman. The woman who comforts him, who is always there for him - but now he cannot hear her.
There are the times they lock him out, send him into the dark where he can still feel the pain but he is totally alone with fragments of what could be memories. He does not know any more. A clinical psychologist would tell them he is mad, that he has fallen over the edge into insanity.
He sees people and doesn't know who they are. And places. Things that have happened but they are all jumbled, with no context. A tall blond haired man standing side by side with a man he knows is called Lehmann, they are both shaking their heads at him, as if he has done something so terribly wrong, as if to say he deserves the pain he is going through; the woman he craves kissing a soldier; a ship with loading crates that need moving, one of the crates tumbling to the ground with oranges spilling out; Christmas in the snow...but he is waiting to kill someone and yet when he enters the house the man in the bedroom is his father. Dad, help me, please help me. So many scenes play out distorted, have no meaning until his sanity feels as if it is tearing itself apart because that is what it is doing. The serum is tearing his body apart and his brain is tearing his mind apart.
There is no sanity left.
Just a voice.
His. Alone.
He calls out; Steve! Freya! Help me! Please...help me! But he doesn't even know who Steve and Freya are, they are just names in the middle of all the pain.
And no matter how many times he begs them - no one ever comes to help.
He is truly alone.
*
Dreams and nightmares merge into one another.
He reaches down, extending his hand to a young boy lying on the ground. His heart is beating wildly as he stares at the boy's beautiful blue eyes, long lashes, and the feel of the soft skin of his hand as he helps pull him up from the ground. He introduces himself. I'm Bucky Barnes. The young boy is smiling and as Bucky helps him up he begins to change, growing taller, and broader, and stronger until the man stood in front of him is Steve Rogers. Bucky feels such an overwhelming love for this man. Now they are standing together, holding hands, and Steve is looking at him but the day is growing cold, snow is beginning to fall, catching on Steve's eyelashes, and Steve is asking him a question.
“I'm dead, Buck. You weren't there to help me. You weren't there to save me. Why? Why did you let me die?”
And now Bucky starts to fall backwards. Steve releases his hand and Bucky falls away. He can see Steve still standing, hand outstretched, getting smaller and smaller until he lands hard on his back.
He is lying in the snow and a soldier stands over him. The soldier crouches down and as he does Bucky blinks. The soldier's arms and legs are coated with grey fur and he watches in horror as the soldier turns into a huge grey wolf whose snout runs red with Bucky's blood. Bucky is aware of the pain again and he looks down his body; the wolf is tearing at his naked torso, tearing inside his chest which lies split open, his ribs bent up and backwards. The pain is horrific but what is worse is he can see his own heart beating...
“Christ! He's awake! For God's sake put him under, put him under!” a frantic voice yells and the man whom the voice belongs to is stood there, holding up blood-covered gloved hands clutching a scalpel and is dressed in the green garb of a surgeon. The wolf has gone.
Bucky tries to cry, tries to beg him to stop the pain but someone is muzzling him, preventing him from talking and he hears the voice just once more.
“Christ. That was a close call! How the hell did he regain consciousness?”
And now...now, he is climbing a grassy hill. He can see a kite ahead of him, and a man he thinks he knows. He lifts his hand to wave but the man is shouting at him. He looks to where the man is gesturing and sees fire roaring towards him, but he can't run. His legs won't move. As the fire gets closer he can feel the heat, feel the hairs on his arm shrivel up, and then it is upon him. He can feel it searing him; his whole body is on fire and he falls to his knees, burning, then collapses onto his front. The fire sweeps past and he can see his hand and arm in front of his face. He is ash.
He feels a cool breeze, and slowly his body begins to blow away on the breeze until there is nothing left but his face. Finally, he feels that begin to disappear.
Then darkness, for so long.
He awakens to the cold. So cold. He is being moved along a corridor on a gurney. He watches the lights flash by above him. He cannot move. He senses going through several doorways, and then he is in what feels to be a cavernous, dark space. People around him are speaking, but they make no sense. Then they are lifting him to his feet, telling him to stand up and he does so. It takes several attempts for him to stand without falling back. The two people lead him up some steps, and then turn him around so he can now see where he is. They move him further backwards and then he hears a noise and feels clamps come around him, holding him so he cannot get away. One is around his throat, almost cutting of his air. Clamping his body in place. Tubes are fitted into whatever it is he is wearing and he can feel the iciness of the blue glow that now shines in the metal of his left arm. The arm which now extends not just up and into his shoulder but into him. He can feel its invasiveness everywhere. Feel the power from it snake into his spine.
“Okay. Are you getting his readings?” a voice asks, and another replies in the affirmative.
And through it all, the cold has seeped into his bones. He cannot keep up with what is happening. A mask is put over his mouth and nose. Freezing air is fed into his lungs. It hurts, makes them ache.
“Jesus. This place gives me the creeps. Hurry it up so we get out of here!” the first voice says, and then the two people are leaving him and he hears another noise. He cannot see very well but it looks like two huge glass doors are sealing him in. He tries to clear his mind but he can't.
He watches as the two people hurry away into the darkness. For a moment, a door of brightness opens and then closes, sealing him in darkness.
A white mist swirls up from his feet and the air he breathes feels like pure ice. He can feel his whole body tensing, his muscles beginning to freeze up. He recognises the crackling sound of his skin turning to ice.
“Don't...don't...” he doesn't even recognise his own voice. It is barely a whisper. “Don't leave me alone...” his last thought.
*
The Constant
When you look back over the last week you wonder if anything was ever different. Is it because your mind has become accustomed to taking in all of the changes you have had to face in your life?
Caldwell had finished his speech by telling you that they believe they no longer needed you when they woke the Winter Soldier...but, he had emphasised, they still require your constant presence in his life.
Things would be very much the same as before. You will be there for everything he needs from when he wakes to when they put him back in cryo. You will join him in cryo, but in one of the pods from before the upgrade. His new cryo stasis chamber is fuelled by the same blue power that keeps his technology 'alive' - that keeps him alive. Caldwell tells you that the new serum is more stable and the Winter Soldier will not experience any more of the wrong turns the old serum used to take.
He goes on to say that there is a new mind wipe process in place which will look no different to you as the same principle and machinery will be used. It has been upgraded and requires more finesse. This is also the case with the new programming. He does deign to warn you that you may find the Winter Soldier different to before. You ask in what way, and he admits that he does not know and it prompts you to ask if they will still use the 'ticking clock' method. Will the Winter Soldier still be told you are a whore? You can see it bothers him that you know about that but he has accepted it, moved on.
“No. The scripts will be different as the new programming is stronger, more invasive.” You wonder what he means by invasive. But before you can ask any more he stops. You have been up for hours and the last few days have been stressful. He can see it on your face, and in the way your body is slowing down. “I don't think you can take in any more today. You've had enough.” He stands, indicating for you to as well. You hate to agree, but you know you must, you are nearly dead on your feet.
“I'll take you to meet Maggie, who will be your main contact from now on. Then, I think that is it for today.”
And that is what he did.
You were introduced to Margaret Mayhew: 'Call me Maggie.' She is Alexander Pierce's personal assistant. She had taken you to your new quarters and suggested you sleep and you were only to glad to. She would come for you at 9am the next morning and carry on with your induction.
You took a shower, set the alarm for 7.30am, and then fell into bed praying you would sleep. You had no need for prayers; the minute your head had touched the pillow you had fallen into a deep sleep as if the last few days had all piled up on your mind and body and ordered it to shut down – it did.
*
The next day, you showered and discovered that, as promised by Maggie, all of your clothes could be found in the wardrobe and drawers. You dressed and then investigated the kitchen area, where you found you could make decaffeinated coffee and toast. There was other food but some of it was a mystery to you; you have been sheltered all this time and some of the things you were to come across in the next few days would surprise you. Small things that other normal people took for granted, but that you had never seen before, never experienced.
Your quarters consist of a large area broken down into a kitchen, bedroom, and living area with what Maggie referred to as an en suite bathroom. You didn't like to ask what that meant.
When you walk in through the door of your quarters, to your right is the large kitchen area. Before you enter cryo each time, you will be asked to leave a list of items you wish your kitchen to be stocked with and any other products you needed, toiletries and the like for when you awaken. The idea was similar to before: you could make small, light snacks, but larger meals would be ordered and delivered to your door. A menu of foods you are both allowed would be given to you so that you can plan out the meals in advance. The kitchen contains a table and chairs. You found some of the items a mystery; you had seen a toaster and kettle before but not the large oblong machine with dials that sat on the side. There is a handbook sat on the top which tells you it is something called a 'microwave' and seems to be used for cooking. You wonder why you need that if you have a conventional oven, which appears to be built into the cupboards and the hob is part of one of the surfaces. Part of the fridge seemed to contain a compartment for frozen items.
When you came out of the kitchen area, to your right is another table and chairs and then soft chairs and a sofa for comfort. A bookcase with a selection of novels and a small box-like item that had what looked like round shiny silver disks that you assume somehow fit into the box. These are labelled with titles which appeared to be music. There is a small table with a lamp.
Next to the bookcase is an area that contained a desk and chair. You pull the chair out and squeal in surprise, then look behind you as if someone would have seen your reaction. Looking at it the chair you see it is on small wheels and you hadn't expected it to roll so easily. You push it back in hastily. On top of the desk are filing trays, but it is the the object in the middle that looks the strangest. A large glass screen resting atop a silver oblong box, it looks similar to the machines the technicians used back at the old base and you feel a moment of fear. Why have they put one in here? Does it mean you will have to use it on the Winter Soldier to run tests? In front of it is a keyboard and a strange little curved object which seems to be on a wheel. You remember back to Caldwell's secretary. She had something similar the last time you saw her, she had seemed to move it about the table but you don't know why.
You were hoping they would have brought your typewriter here, but you cannot see it anywhere.
There is another set of shelves with what looks like a plastic plant on it then the door for the bathroom. It is a good-sized bathroom with all the usual things you would expect. There is also a handle on one of the walls in the bathroom labelled 'Laundry Chute', and you guess that is where you put your dirty clothes. You open it and there is a long chute leading away down into it. A label tied to the handle explains that any clothes will be returned within two days, cleaned and ironed.
You go back out into your main room.
Your gaze sweeps around to the final wall which has a double bed against it. This was where you slept last night. There is no second, single bed in the room. Two bedside cabinets with lamps, alarm clocks, and telephones. You recognise panic buttons on the wall.
When Maggie arrives at 9am, you ask her if she could arrange for a single bed as well as the double to be put in and she seems confused. “I'm sorry, we understood that you and the Winter Soldier sleep together.” She is flustered. Was their intel wrong? If so, how many other things are wrong?
You stand, looking around the room, trying to act as if the conversation is normal. You haven't replied and Maggie comes up and touches your arm. When you look at her you feel you could trust her but when it comes to the safety of the Winter Soldier you can trust no-one.
“We do, but...” you look away. How do you explain things to this woman? You cannot tell her what the Winter Soldier thinks and believes of you sometimes. It is too personal. Neither do you fully believe Caldwell when he says the script has been changed. Maggie is quiet, giving you time to get your thoughts together.
In the end you tell her a version of the truth. “When he comes out of cryo freeze, he has been wiped as you probably know, then he goes into programming and when he comes here he doesn't always know who I am. It can make for a bit of an awkward situation and I just find it best if some nights I sleep in my own bed.”
You try to smile as she studies you. She can see you have told her all you are going to. She smiles back. “No problem. I'll get one put in straight away.” She looks around the room. “Where would you like it to go?” You both decide on the best place for it; it will replace the extra table and chairs.
“So today I've arranged for you to meet Alex - Mr Pierce, that is - and then I thought I would go over what is expected of you and what will happen from now on.”
You nod and follow her out of the door and down a long corridor. Although you know you are still within the mountain complex this area does not make you feel you are buried under miles of rock. It is more like a hotel. A hotel with stern-faced guards, that is. There are so many questions running through your mind, things you want to ask, but you decide to listen for now so you can get a feel for the place, a feel for Maggie herself.
She explains that your quarters, the Programming Suite, and Cryo are all still on the same level. At this point, she stops next to a set of doors.
“I forgot to give you this,” she says and takes a badge from her pocket. It is plastic and has your photograph on it and your name. How, you wonder, do they always seem to have my photograph when you never remember it being taken...? “Each door you come to will have a keypad like this one,” she says, indicating the one next to you. “All you need to do with the doors such as this one is swipe the side of your card down through the light.” She shows you how and the door opens. However, she does not walk through it as she has not finished explaining. The door closes.
“With the doors into areas of importance such as the Main Room you will need to press the button, say your name, wait for it to repeat your name, and then swipe the card.”
You nod as if you understand.
“If it is an area you are not permitted access to then the door will not open, an alarm will go off and you will find you are surrounded by guards in less time than you can say oops, so try not to do that. All right?”
She smiles and you nod again.
Poor girl is scared stiff, Maggie thinks to herself.
Bloody sodding technology, you think to yourself.
She gets you to use your keycard, and then you proceed down the corridor.
“What happens if I need to get somewhere and I haven't got my card?” you ask, and she stops and looks at you.
Maggie is only about two inches shorter than you. She is in her late thirties, you think. Brown curly hair, blue eyes and a kind smile. She is wearing a skirt and blouse and you imagine somewhere there is a matching jacket.
“Then you don't get to go anywhere,” she says, and smiles to take the edge from the mild threat.
*
You feel as though you should like Alexander Pierce, but you don't. He looks vaguely familiar.
It is more than obvious though that he does not like you.
She was not what he was expecting. Not at all.
For some reason he thought she would be glamorous, assertive, and confident; but this woman is ordinary. Her clothes are old, many times restitched; her blond hair is the longest he has ever seen, plaited down her back. Her manner quiet and unassuming. He can sense her dislike of him but this is not a worry for him; there is no need for him to use charm on her. She has no power, nothing he wants, and therefore she really is of no consequence.
He shakes your hand and indicates for you to sit down on a sofa in his office. You are praying that Maggie will stay; you do not want to be alone with him, you find him...reptilian. But there is something else, a vague familiarity which makes you think you should like him, should even trust him and you don't know why. There is no way you could have ever met him before. There is coffee on a table in front of you and Maggie sits next to you on the sofa.
Pierce remains standing, watching you for a moment, and then sits in one of the chairs opposite you.
“Has she settled in?” he asks Maggie, and you see a moment of surprise on Maggie's face that he has not asked you directly but she covers it quickly. She looks at you and smiles and then back to Alex.
“I think so. I need to go over some more things but theres plenty of time,” she says to him.
And it is then you realise why he looks familiar and your stomach drops. He is blond haired, blue eyed, strong shoulders, slim waist, good looking, all the features of an older Steve Rogers.
And he is frowning at you.
“Freya?” Maggie says, and you realise he has said something and you blush.
“I'm sorry...” but your apology is too late. Pierce leans forward.
His eyes are cold and hard.
“Lets get one thing straight, Miss Bowman...I don't want you here. I don't like you being here and I don't think we need you. You are here simply because Jackson Caldwell says you have to be here. You will look after our Winter Soldier, you will make sure he is well, make sure he gets where he is going, make sure he eats, drinks, even fucks if he wants to but that is all you are here for. Do I make myself clear?”
His eyes do not leave yours and you feel frightened inside. He may look like Steve Rogers but he is nothing like him. This man is dangerous.
Your voice has dried up. You nod and look away.
He looks at you a moment longer and then leans back. You sense that Maggie is startled by her boss's reaction to you. She tries to save the moment by telling Pierce that she has set you up with your keycard and that you will both be going over your schedules this afternoon. He looks at you whilst Maggie speaks and you feel yourself growing warmer. You desperately want to pick up your coffee cup to drink but you do not want him to see how much your hand is shaking. The whole situation feels like it is going to overwhelm you when finally he looks away and you feel as if you have been released.
He stands up to signal your dismissal, and you and Maggie find yourselves out in the corridor.
“Well, that didn't go well,” she says and for some reason it makes you feel like laughing but a laughter born of hysterics. As though it is welling up just under your skin.
“I'm sorry. I don't think...he liked me,” you say honestly, looking at her. Her face reflects her agreement and somehow for a moment you realise she is in love with Alex Pierce, and you are women who are both in the same boat.
“Just...watch yourself. If he says jump, then jump,” her tone is serious, and you nod.
“How high,” you ask but it is not a question.
*
You spend the rest of the week being introduced to people such as the Cryo Team and the technicians who will be responsible for wiping the Soldier. You learn where you can and cannot go. Again, the Winter Soldier is just one of Hydra's many assets housed here in this facility buried deep in the mountains. It soon becomes apparent as well that you will rarely get to see the outside world, fresh air, sun. The only times is when you will be used as an exit point on a mission; otherwise, you will spend your life buried here beneath the mountain. But then, you did tell Caldwell you did not care where you ended up as long as you are with the Winter Soldier.
And through it all Maggie is there to guide you, and be your friend.
You will still be awoken before the Winter Soldier where possible so that you can prepare the way for him. You will live with him, be his companion, and he will be allowed to remember you to a certain degree. With the new wipes and programming he will be able to stay out for longer durations.
You will still be used as an exit point on several missions. You ask Maggie if his team will be joining him here; you could do with a familiar face, but even that is not to happen. There is a new, larger team and a new team leader, Felix Bauer, whom you get to meet; he is a tall, stern-looking German, around 35. Whilst introducing you, Maggie also mentions at this point that this will not be the only base that is be fitted out for the Winter Soldier: there is also one in America, and both of you may at times be put into cryo there as well.
Whilst the new team are not currently stationed in the mountain complex, Felix does say he wants you to meet them so that they can get to know who they are working with. There are four other men beside him: Vadik Berezin and Artur Kostin who are Russian; a British man named Daniel Atkins; and finally an American, Jason Lewis. Over time you will find out what their specialities are. They will not all travel with the Winter Soldier but rather the team will be tailored for the specific mission he is on. When you get the chance you whisper to Maggie that you are not good with remembering names and she laughs and says neither is she. She gives you a typed piece of paper with all their details on which she has printed off for you.
Every day, and for as long as you can, you put on warm clothing and visit the Winter Soldier in his cryo state. You are usually alone when you do, and get as close as you can and you talk to him but of course there is never a response. He is encased in glass, your voice would never get through. Maybe you are doing it more for yourself than him. You begin to clear an area so that you can bring paperwork down here to do, just so that he is not alone. All his vital signs feed through to the Main Room and the cryo team are only ever needed here when he is to be woken and that has not happened yet. Alex Pierce is advised of your visits, but it is Maggie who persuades him to allow them.
“So she trusts you. Feels that you are her friend?”
Maggie nods.
“Well done,” Pierce says.
And somehow Maggie's opinion of herself falls a notch. She likes the Constant, and in another time and place she would truly have liked to have her as a friend.
But this is Hydra. This is Alex Pierce's world. And Maggie cannot live without him. She will do whatever he asks of her, and if pretending to care for someone is what he wants then she will do it to the best of her ability.
She is just glad that Freya makes it so easy for her.
*
The Constant & The Winter Soldier
They are going to bring the Winter Soldier out of cryo, keep him out for several days to run tests, and then both of you will return to Cryo. You have spoken with the Cryo team and asked them to ensure that your pod is moved closer to his new enclosure.
You are so nervous. It's been so long since you saw him. How will he be? How will he settle in to his new home?
Has he forgiven you for leaving him?
Pierce is overseeing the wake up. At first you are told you cannot attend but Maggie intervenes, makes you promise you will remain in the background, quiet, no interference and you agree. All you want to do is be able to see him.
Most of the work is done in the Main Room but there are four technicians and Pierce standing in front of the enclosure when it is opened. You are stood at the back in the darker area. Pierce doesn't even seem to know you are there. Maggie is stood just behind Pierce.
You watch as the glass panels swing back and around. There is a loud hissing noise, then other noises and you realise they are releasing tubes and cables inserted into his arm and into his suit. There is a countdown going on through the speakers and the disembodied voice is echoing around the chamber.
You cannot hear all of what they are discussing, but you hear enough to know that they will wake him, then release him from the chamber and step him down. He will be confused and disorientated at first; this is normal as he has been wiped before being put into cryo.
It takes half an hour to release all of the tubes, to close his metal arm, and to awaken him. The bands keeping him upright and in place are retracted and you see him stumble slightly; your heart misses a beat. And then they are leading him down the two small steps. He will be taken to the Main Room and the master chair. The only time you see someone talk to him is when they give him orders to follow. And then they are ready to take him out of the room. Guards walk either side of him, assisting him when he stumbles.
As he gets closer you can see him clearly. He looks doped; there are red marks on his face where the mask had been in place and he is blinking hard, trying to clear his eyesight. You pull back slightly more into the dark corner as Pierce passes by; just behind him walks the Winter Soldier and as the Soldier passes you his head turns and looks directly at you and for just a second his footsteps hesitate. He carries on walking, but holds your gaze until the last possible moment and then the group of them are through the door.
You can't move. You feel as though your legs are turning to jelly. He looked at you and he recognised you. You know he did.
“Freya?” a voice says and you look up. It's Maggie. “Mr Pierce is going to leave it up to the technicians now so he will going back to his office. But I'm guessing the techs might find it handy having someone there that knows...him.”
You nod gratefully. You feel as though you should be begging to be allowed to see him and that is what you will do if you need to. Anything to be with him again. It reminds you of that old adage about the poor relative at the rich uncle's feast being allowed scraps from the table – but you will take anything they throw your way.
*
And they do find it useful having you there. When you join them they have him sat in the master chair. You move to one of the benches but the Winter Soldier zeroes in on you the moment you come through the door. The look he gives you is frightening. The technicians turn to see what it is he is looking at and recognise you. One of them goes to take his blood and the Winter Soldier stops him, his hand on the man's arm tightens.
“Her,” he says. His voice is rusty.
The technician looks at his supervisor.
“She is just here to observe,” he says to the Soldier but then backs away at the look in the Soldier's eyes.
“I want her to do it!” he repeats, forcefully, and this time the supervisor beckons you over.
Your hands shake as you take his blood. He is watching you, watching everything you do, his gaze travelling over your face, so intense.
(Authors note: See picture http://i.imgur.com/WCIDUlB.png )
And you?
You cannot look at him. You want to: you want to stroke his cheek, talk to him, but you feel the pressure of the other people in the room with you. They tell you what to do and you do it.
Eventually they tell you to help him remove the special jacket he has on and you begin to undo the studs and buckles. He sits forward so that you can reach behind him and when you get so close to him you know he breathes in your scent. You come forward and he catches your plait in his metal hand, turns it around, looking at it, he runs the end of it through his fingers. For a moment he closes his eyes as if feeling the softness and then he opens them and lets it go so you can straighten up. You do so, pulling the jacket away with you and handing it to the tech behind you, then you turn back to him and he sees the utter look of shock on your face as you see how invasive the new arm is. The terrible scarring around the new metal plates. Even now, the skin is splitting open from where he has moved and small rivulets of blood trickle down his chest which is a mass of scarring as well. A tech passes you some lint to mop it and you do. He is still watching you, his eyes never leave you and you dare to look up at him, his face. Your eyes tear up, he won't let you look away now and slowly you bring your hand up to touch his face.
“I've missed you so much,” you whisper. It's as if you are by yourselves, all other noise fades into the background.
“You left me,” he says, and watches as a tear escapes down your cheek. He sees the utter pain in your eyes at the words he has spoken.
“No, I didn't, I wouldn't do that...” you say. You want to explain, you want to tell him you would never willingly leave him.
“I...” What can you say? Everything that comes to mind is just an excuse.
“I looked for you. You weren't there,” he says, and for a moment something flashes across his eyes, something akin to madness.
Before you can say any more the supervisor orders you to step back. The Winter Soldier sits back, bare chested in the chair, dismisses you.
He does not say anything more unless they ask him a specific question; even then, he only gives them a specific answer.
*
He is brought to his quarters under armed guard and for the next two days a guard will remain outside. They are not sure themselves yet about him so they will take this precaution. He will undergo a barrage of tests, but for this evening he is yours and you guide him in what to eat. With his new cryo chamber there is no need for a lot of the drugs they previously gave him but he still suffers from migraines and you can see he is in pain. They have given you a salve for the scars on his body. He has so many new ones but some are in the process of healing and they are trusting that the new serum will eventually heal the broken and abused skin.
You are nervous around him. He watches as your hands shake until you cannot do it any more; you feel like you are on a knife's edge. You drop things, trip over words, and all the time he watches impassively. You would rather he was angry. At least then you might know what he is thinking. You desperately think of something you can say, but he beats you to it.
“Will you help me shower?” he asks, and this surprises you. You nod and take him through to the bathroom and set the shower whilst he undresses. You slip your jeans and top off and get in with him.
He stands waiting for you to start washing him and you do, but as your hands move over his skin you are appalled at all the new scars. At some time they have even opened up his chest and the skin is gnarled and red. And as you wash him you begin to cry until eventually you drop the sponge and just rest your hands on his chest.
“I'm so, so sorry,” you weep. “They took you away. I couldn't find you.” Your voice hiccups. “I..I..they put my in cryo, I didn't even know I was in it...”
“You didn't leave me?” he asks, and he knows you will tell the truth. He puts his hand under your chin to make you look at him.
“No, no I didn't leave you, I promise...” How can you make him believe you, “I...they kept me alone at the old camp and moved you here but I didn't even know that, no one told me.” And now he knows you were alone as much as he was, he can see the truth of it in you.
“I can't remember,” he says. You see his gaze turn inward and you know he must not try and think. You are more than convinced your quarters are bugged as they were before. They must hear you give the right answers.
“There is so much you will not remember but that is because you...don't need to. Just concentrate on today,” you whisper. And you deliberately let your hand brush against him, you need to distract him and you know how you can. You feel bad, as if you are siding with them but you will not lose him again. If they want you to jump you will ask them how high.
You feel his intake of breath as he feels your hand on him and then his eyes are on yours, his arm coming up to touch you, touch your skin and he bends to kiss you. You have missed the taste of him, the feel of him and he has missed you. For now, you have your Winter Soldier back and you will face the future together.
*
The Winter Soldier feels the strong heartbeat of the woman curled up in his arms. He has been angry with her for so long because he believed she had left him; but he believes her when she says it was not through choice. He can see she cannot lie. Her own pain is so akin to his own.
But there is a dark side to his nature created by years of programming and reprogramming. His alternative side has been released: it is able to control itself more, control its urges, it will ensure that the things he has to do as the Winter Soldier will be done, his missions completed.
He is stronger now; not just physically. The world out there is in such chaos and he will help Hydra eradicate the chaos and anyone who stands in their way.
They own him. Body and soul.
And through it all he will keep close to him the one thing that belongs to him, they will not take her away from him again and he will never allow her to stray. She is his Constant.
And he owns her. Body and soul.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant