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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Chapter List
- 51
- 52
- 53
Chapter Fifty-Two
The Constant - The Five Missions

The last decade has been hard on you but of course you do not know just how much time has passed each time you and the Winter Soldier come out of cryo.
There have been five small missions.
You are woken, then the Winter Soldier is woken the day after as normal. But because the missions are so short, you are both returned to cryo freeze within a couple of days of waking. Whilst Caldwell had promised things would not get as bad as they had become during Krupin's time, these short missions cannot be helped. The Winter Soldier's expertise is needed on all of them.
The short periods are not enough time for him to remember who you are to him so you are nothing, something to be used and then pushed away.
*
The first mission he spent two nights in the quarters you share with him. On the second night he took you from your bed at 2am, used you, and then sent you back there. The next time you saw him was when you were being returned to your metal coffin. He was already bedded down in his.
*
The second mission lasted three nights. The first two he didn't touch you. The third night he forced you to your knees in the shower, told you to do what you are paid for, then left you once you had finished. You didn't see him again. The next day you were both back in cryo freeze.
*
During the third mission, you spent no nights with him. You only saw him for the brief time when they awakened him, and when he needed to give you a list of supplies. That was it. He didn't touch you once. Mission complete. Refrozen.
*
The fourth mission he actually speaks to you. He asks you a question. You wish he hadn't.
“Why do you share these rooms with me?”
He is getting ready to go training. These are the first words he has spoken to you, other than grunts.
“In case you need anything. Why? Would you prefer it if I didn't?” As soon as you ask, you wish you hadn't.
He shrugs and returns to putting his boots on. “Do what you want. Doesn't bother me either way,” was his reply.
He stands up and grabs his jacket, shrugging it on. He still hasn't even looked at you.
Conversation over.
That night he doesn’t return to your rooms at all and you wonder if he is with another woman. You spend all night worrying, expecting someone to come and move you out, tell you that you are not needed any more. The next morning you are haggard, tired and irritable. You hear footsteps outside the door and then someone knocks. It is Stefan to tell you the Winter Soldier has been debriefed and wiped. You are to be there when he goes back into cryo freeze.
“He's already been on his mission?” you ask.
“Late yesterday evening...did you not know?” his voice is kind and you hate the trace of pity in it.
You shake your head and turn away.
“Freya...”
“Just don't...” you say, then, picking up your jumper you walk past him, out of the door, and make your way to the cryo room. Stefan catches up behind you.
The Winter Soldier is there, sat on top of the base of the unit. They will lay him down then slide the top on over him to freeze him.
You walk up to him. His eyes are totally blank, seeing nothing. There is no real need for you to be here but Stefan always insists if he is on duty. He knows you need to be.
You watch as they get him to lay down. The cover then slides into place and you hear the familiar hiss. You always think it sounds like something out of a science fiction novel. H.G. Wells, eat your heart out.
Stefan tries to talk to you but you make your excuses, you feel tired, angry, sad. You don’t really know what you feel but you don’t want to take your feelings out on the wrong person.
You go back to your quarters, make them ready for closure. Tomorrow you will return to cryo freeze. Tonight you sleep in his bed. You can still smell him on the sheets, pretend you feel the heat of his body laying here. You are too tired to cry, too tired to do anything but wish you never woke up from cryo freeze again.
The next day you are quiet, introverted. You don’t even say goodbye to Stefan.
*
The fifth mission you are woken for is the worst.
When you open your eyes Stefan is not there. Instead it is a young woman. She smiles and helps you sit up and get dressed. Your throat hurts. You feel depressed; your head is pounding and she hands you pain killers automatically. Before you can take them you feel the bile rising and quickly grab a container: These are always to hand because they know how sick cryo can make you feel.
Whilst you are being sick she is saying how exciting it is as it is the first time she has got to be the one to wake you. You try and smile back. You feel claustrophobic around her. She won't give you the space you need. You just want to be quiet for a moment.
“Where's Stefan?” you ask. Her smile falters and she frowns at you.
“He's dead,” she says as if you are at fault.
As if it is something you should know.
One of the older technicians overhears her and comes up to you both. You think his name is Jan but you have never really spoken to him before. Although you recognise him as being a friend of Stefan's, now that you look around the room you realise that you hardly recognise anyone else.
You can't speak. The shock of what she said has numbed you. You can't have heard right.
He looks at the woman.
“She didn't know. How can she? She's been in cryo!” he snaps. The new woman blushes; she hadn't given it any thought.
He turns and comes up to you, his eyes show concern. He moves the container out of the way and takes your hand. You pray he is going to say the woman is wrong and that Stefan will be here at any moment.
“I'm sorry. There was an accident. Stefan was killed.” His voice is subdued. “It was a car accident. They said he wouldn't of known anything about it, it happened so quickly. I'm sorry. We were all very upset.”
Your ears hum and you look down at the floor. That can't be right. You didn't even get to say goodbye.
“Can I get you anything?” he asks. You shake your head and take your hand out of his gentle grip. He takes your quietness as a sign that you want to be alone and he excuses himself and walks away. You can see he was telling the truth about being upset.
The woman helps you down from the cryo chamber and once you get your balance you nod to say you are all right and that you want to go to your quarters to sleep. She helps you dress and offers to come with you, but you shake your head. You want to be alone. You want to get away from everyone.
When you reach your quarters you see they have been aired. The door to the patio is open and you can hear birds singing. That is what makes you break: the simple noises of life. Stefan cannot be dead, you never said goodbye to him, you never told him how much he meant to you, how you depended on his calm, stable manner. He was always there for you and you were always there for him.
You curl up on the double bed, tired, and you weep.
It is dark when there is a knock at the door. You have fallen asleep, curled up as if in a nest. The door opens: it's Director Caldwell. As he comes in he reaches for the light and then apologises, thinking you are sleeping. He sees that you are still dressed, and also the fact that you have been crying.
“I'm sorry. I wanted to be there to warn you when they woke you up but I was delayed.”
You may not like this man but you have a begrudging respect for him. Over the years he has championed the Winter Soldier and has always made sure you have both been looked after. He has protected you both, kept the project going.
“I am sorry for your loss.” He sits on the edge of the bed but you feel uncomfortable and so you excuse yourself to use the bathroom, saying you won't be a minute. When you come back in you find he is in the kitchenette and you realise he is making a hot drink for both of you. He brings two steaming mugs over to the table. You sit and he does the same. You take your cup and thank him.
“Is there anything I can do?” he asks.
“I...” you cough and take a sip to clear your throat. “I thought I would go and see Doctor Jacobs if that's okay.”
You put your cup down and look at Caldwell. You do not want to speak to him about Stefan but you need to speak to someone, and Eric Jakobs you know cares for Stefan as much as you do.
Caldwell closes his eyes briefly and then he reopens them. The look in them freezes your heart.
“They didn't tell you?” he asks, and then as if to himself: “No they wouldn't think to, would they. I'm so sorry Freya, I thought you already knew.” He puts a hand on your arm.
But you are already shaking your head. You can't lose anyone else.
“It was cancer, too late once we realised. I'm so very sorry.” And you see that he is sorry. He is being totally honest with you.
You don’t move, you don’t think. You could be back in cryo freeze. To lose one of your friends is crushing, to lose both of them at once is unbearable and your heart feels like it is splitting in two.
You blink. Caldwell is still there.
“But...but I only saw both of them last time. Last month,” your words stumble over each other. He shakes his head.
“You were out longer than that. Over twelve months this time. I'm sorry.”
He stays with you for a while but you don’t speak. He offers to send someone to spend the night with you but you shake your head and tell him you would like to be alone for now. He leaves, promising to be there if you want to talk. When he is gone you switch out the light, get back into bed without changing and curl up. Both Stefan and Eric Jakobs are gone? How? How can that happen? What is it that you must have done wrong in a previous life to deserve the life you have now? Your mind cannot focus, cannot take it all in. Mercifully your mind closes down with you clutching a pillow to your chest.
You sleep.
When you wake the next morning it is to the woman from before knocking on your door. She has come to fetch you so that they can wake the Winter Soldier. You can see how excited she is and she hurries you up so you follow her without any breakfast or shower. You feel shabby. Your clothes stick to you, you feel dirty. Your hair is still in its plait but it is coming apart, fraying. You want to just get back into bed, sleep, push all of this away.
The lights are bright in the room and noises seem louder and hurt your ears. Your head is still throbbing. They sit you where you normally sit, and you watch as they bring the Winter Soldier around. He needs a haircut. You should have done it before cryo last time. It is so good to see him that you want to cry and hug him and never let go.
He opens his eyes and you wish that when he looks at you there would be something in them to show he is pleased to see you, pleased you are there. But his eyes are blank. He knows of you...but other than that there is nothing.
It suddenly occurs to you that you really don’t think a Constant is needed any more. The idea flits through your mind that this will be the last time you will be here. You will talk to Caldwell. You have come to the end of your usefulness. You will ask him to terminate you. They don’t need you.
They can find a cold grave somewhere for you.
You don’t want this any more. You just cannot cope with it.
You are dismissed, not required for the programming. They will bring him back to you later today. You return to your quarters on automatic pilot. You are refusing to think about Eric Jacobs or Stefan. You do not even let their names come into your thoughts. You get things ready and around four in the afternoon they bring the Winter Soldier back to you.
It is almost a deja-vu whenever he comes to the quarters, as it is always the first time for him. He scans everything. Some things seem vaguely familiar, some he doesn’t remember at all. You know he will eat and then sleep for the next twelve hours; after cryo freeze it is all anyone is capable of doing. You can see the programming this time has been intense.
He sits down to eat the soup and bread you have for him, and his nose bleeds. You help him with a cold cloth, tilting his head back. You see him gulping and you know his ears are ringing and that he is having trouble with his co-ordination. You see all this but it is as if it is from afar. You do not realise you are in shock still from the loss of your friends. You do not know that when you went into cryo freeze last time you had the onset of clinical depression, and it has followed you out.
Once you have him safely in bed, you feel exhausted and literally collapse onto yours to sleep. He hasn't said a word to you, and you have hardly spoken to him. You think about the previous four missions, how he was with you, and you genuinely believe he will never ever know who you are again.
Not only have you lost your friends, you have finally lost the man you love.
There is nothing left here for you. Depression has taken you and made you its slave.
The next morning you go through the motions of your life. The Winter Soldier needs to go through some training before he is sent on mission this time.
He is the priority. You show no feelings, and neither does he. You get him to shower whilst you get breakfast sorted out. Most meals are delivered to your door, but for things like this you can prepare them in the kitchenette. He eats and drinks what you put in front of him. He looks better this morning, more focused, and you ask him if his head is clear. You need to know how he is feeling after cryo and programming. He grunts his response, as if to remind you that you are nothing to him. After he has eaten they phone you to find out if he is able to start training today. You say yes.
For the next two days he is trained. You spend the days doing your usual paperwork. He does not invite you to share his bed in this time, and you do not realise how much you need someone to care about you.
Things come to a head on the fourth day. He is due to go on mission the following day and is being briefed. It is evening and you are tired. As you come out of the bathroom in your dressing gown he is there, leaning against the sideboard in the kitchenette eating toast. You both ate at lunchtime and so did not need a meal cooked this evening. You meant to leave something out on the side for him, but you forgot. As you cross the room to your bed he washes his fingers under the taps and walks over to his bed, sits, and sets the alarm clock on the bedside table. He kicks off his boots.
Neither of you speak.
You dry your hair and slip it into a loose pony-tail, but as you turn to walk over to your desk to pick up a book you find him there, standing in front of you. He has watched you style your hair, watched the way your dressing gown rode up as you reached behind your head to tie it up, and he wants you.
He stands in front of you and you don’t move, he is looking at you but you look at the ground, you don’t want this.
His right hand slips inside of the top of your dressing gown and you move back slightly. He doesn’t stop, instead he strokes the skin at the base of your throat whilst his left hand slips under the material on your shoulder and moves it off down your arm, baring your shoulder and he strokes it. You feel the coldness of the metal. He steps in closer and tries to kiss you but you duck your head. His right hand goes to the belt of your dressing gown and he undoes it. The weight of the material makes it slide off. You have nothing on underneath and you feel the coldness of the air on your skin,
You cross your hands over your breasts. This is not normal behaviour for you; usually you would welcome his attention – especially now, when you need it the most. He goes to kiss you again but again you step back but find you cannot go any further: there is no space, the back of your legs are up against your bed.
You cannot look at him. He pulls your hair forward but you duck your head to the side to try to escape his touch.
Without a word he slips his hand around your waist and pulls you forward and goes to kiss you. You move your head to the side and try to get free of his hands.
“No,” you say. Your first word of the day.
His grip increases and he takes hold of your pony tail in his metal hand and goes to kiss you again.
You can feel his impatience by the way his grip is tightening, and this time he holds your chin, pulling your face around and kisses you forcibly.
You do not respond. Tears begin to roll down your cheeks.
He pulls back and looks at you, then releases you, pushing you backwards, and he steps away. You almost fall onto your bed. You stand there, huddled, your hands trying to cover your nakedness. Crying. You hear him snarl something, then he turns away and walks back to his side of the room. You hear him pull his boots back on and then he leaves the room slamming the door behind him. That makes you cry harder and you allow yourself to sink backwards onto your bed. You can't believe you denied him. You needed him, he wanted you...but instead you made him leave.
What is wrong with you?
*
By the time he comes back you have put your nightdress on and sat on top of your bed, against the wall. You knew he would be back for sleep so that he is ready for tomorrow early. He comes in and you look at him. You can smell sweat and fresh air on him, his hair is ruffled. You really do need to cut it.
He goes to the bathroom and you listen to him take a shower. When he comes back out you have brushed your hair, and splashed water on your face in the kitchen. You move over to where he is sat on the bed, a towel wrapped around his lower body. He is towel drying his hair. You stand in front of him and he looks up at you. Your heart jumps at those beautiful eyes.
“I'm so sorry for earlier,” your voice is quiet and the words trail off as he stares at you.
Its too late, you know he doesn’t care and you turn to move away, but he catches your hand.
His next words bring tears to your eyes again.
“I remember you,” he says, his voice matching the quietness of your own. Your hand covers your mouth and you sink to the floor in front of him. He watches you. Watches your eyes.
“What is wrong? Why are you so sad?” he asks, quietly.
You are hesitant about telling him, but eventually you do. You explain that Stefan and Doctor Jakobs were your friends, and that you will miss them so much.
He may have begun to remember you but he is still the Winter Soldier. His demeanour tightens.
“But you belong to me,” he says, and you close your eyes.
“I know. But they were my friends.” You look at him but you can see he still doesn’t understand.
“But you belong to me!” his emphasis on me.
You don’t want to argue. You are too tired. “And I always will,” you murmur. “Will you...will you let me sleep with you tonight?” you ask him.
He hesitates for a moment but then, standing, he lifts you with him.
You take off your nightgown and get in whilst he moves to the other side. You know there will be a price to pay for his companionship but you need him.
He gets in and moves closer, his hand reaching out for your smooth soft skin. He pushes you down whilst bending over to kiss you, then he covers your body with his own, kissing your breasts. He is possessing you. You are his. He takes you.
Afterwards he moves away and you curl up, facing away from him, praying he will not change his mind and send you back to your bed but instead, he surprises you and moves up close, spooning you.
He pulls you tightly to him and doesn’t let you go all night.
For tonight he will be here for you.
*
The Winter Soldier has left for his mission, and you look around the quarters still not being able to settle, still not able to take in that you will never again see Stefan or Eric Jakobs again. Depression wraps itself back around you and you don’t want to think any more. Instead you try and find something to do, something to take your mind away from it all. Picking up your clipboard, you head towards the supply room.
Without realising you accidentally bump into one of the guards, although he has actually bumped into you. Quietly, he whispers: “Read this when you are on your own,” and shoves an envelope into your pocket. It all happens so quickly no one else could possibly see him do it. Then he is gone.
With the envelope burning a hole in your pocket you try and get on with your tasks but you can't. Your curiosity overrides your sense of caution and instead you head back to your quarters where you know you will be alone.
With shaking hands you open the envelope and immediately recognise Eric Jakob's handwriting. It is almost enough to make you cry.
It is a letter addressed to you. You put it down and look at the wall, blank. You don’t know if you can read it. You decide to make a drink, that will delay it but then after you have done that you sit down, you can't put it off any longer and you start reading.

My Dearest Freya,
I wanted to be there next time they wake you so I could tell you about Stefan, but it seems that is not to be and I am so sorry. He didn't suffer. The accident happened so quickly he wouldn't have had time to react. None of them would. I also know you may be thinking it wasn't an accident - but Freya, this time it was. I know how much you will miss him and I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
I also wanted to tell you how you have affected my life and put me back on the right path. I don’t know when I lost my way, perhaps when I lost all that mattered to me. I thought I was doing good, helping the world to be a better place...but all I ended up doing was destroying so many lives.
I only have days left to live but wanted to tell you something, something that is difficult for you to hear...but you must. It was something you asked me about before, but I couldn't tell you as I didn't know the answer myself. You asked me why when James returns from programming he always thinks of you as a 'lady of the night' (sorry I can't bring myself to say that word which demeans you, even in a letter).
Until you asked me I always believed it to be his assumption, and I was always so pleased when he finally recognised and remembered you. I need to let you know it is not his assumption but part of what they program into him. It is not him that is at fault.
They call it the “ticking clock”.
As you know I was never included in the part of the project which covered his programming. That was always handled by Lehmann, Krupin, and now Caldwell and his team. I know there are certain things programmed into him each time that remain the same and when I realised I would be leaving you I decided to see what I could find out.
Freya. Part of his regular programming tells him you are a lady of the night. And they actually use that terrible word...whore. I am so sorry that I didn't find out for you sooner. So many years that you have thought it was his belief and his alone. There is a reason though as to why they do it.
They programme it into him and use it as a gauge to monitor how well the programming has taken, and as an indication of when he is starting to remember things they don’t want him to remember. The Winter Soldier loves you and when he remembers this...then that is when his attitude to you changes and they see that, they act on it.
The programming, you see, doesn’t last. It begins to fade and he begins to remember things and if left unchecked he will start to remember who he really is. It may take weeks, months, or years but eventually some of his memories will return. It will not be easy for him. Some memories will return as flashbacks, some as vague things he feels he should know. Another part of his programming which kicks in when he tries to remember are the terrible migraines he gets. These make him so sick that his brain will shy away from any attempt to remember what is buried.
But I am digressing.
When James begins to remember you it shows in his face, in the way he treats you - and your body language shows it too. Then they know that they have a certain amount of time left before other memories start to kick in and they need to wipe him and put him back into cryo freeze.
You are their trigger point, and he is the ticking clock I mentioned. When he starts to remember you then they know the longer they leave it the deeper the wipe that will be needed. They know they cannot ask you to tell them as you would never do that. They watch you both, and look for that trigger.
Telling you this is a double-edged sword and I can't decide if it is a good thing for you to know or not. I hope to God I have made the right decision. You should also know they never needed to tell him he loves you because that is a true emotion of his and his alone. This is never programmed into him.
One more thing. Do you remember years ago when the Winter Soldier found you reading that file and he saw the photograph of himself? Of course you do. That is a stupid thing for me to say. After that incident Caldwell ordered that you both be fitted with tracking devices. You may have noticed at the time a new scar on your hip; it is the same for James. Both of you have tracking devices within your hip bones. I do not know if you will ever be free of Hydra. I can only hope you are so be careful. I don't want them to be able to find you.
I also want you to know I came to love you as I would a daughter, and Stefan as a son. I hope you believe that we became friends as well. I wish we could have mourned Stefan's passing together. I have lost so many people in my life it is hard to think of there being a God up there watching over us. If there is a God then when I meet him I will be held accountable for my crimes and I do not think he will allow me to be with my family. I think instead he will pass over me and I shall be heading elsewhere. If you feel you can, please say a prayer for me.
My darling girl, I wish I could say all this to you face to face and I wish that one day I could say it to James and ask for his forgiveness. I will entrust this letter to a friend. You may feel you are alone now but you are not. There are people within Hydra who do not believe Hydra is acting for the good of the world, they cannot speak with you because of the Winter Soldier but they will watch over you and make sure that one day the terrible truth of what went on here is known.
I ask one more favour of you. Please destroy this letter. If it is found it could cause untold damage. They always thought I was one of the 'bad guys', and it is better they still think that.
Your friend, always.
Eric Jakobs

And you stay still for a long time before finally getting down on to your knees, as if you are child saying your prayers before bed time.
You don't know what to say and you don't know if anyone is listening, but just in case you pray for the soul of Eric Jakobs, a man who lost his way but tried his best to put things right. You ask God in his mercy to let Eric be with his family and to have found peace at last. You have forgiven him everything. You are only human and your compassion recognises how someone can be led stray. He tried to find the path back, he truly did.
And then you weep for someone who became in those years a dear friend, but one you never realised meant so much to you until it was too late.
“Please let him know. Please. Wherever he is.”
*
Eric Jakobs opens his eyes.
He feels he has been here forever, treading a pathway that never ends. Hell and damnation are on one side of him with nothing but blackness on the other side. Try as he might, he cannot move off the path, he can walk forward, backwards...but not off the path. Sometimes shades of other people pass him but he cannot talk to them; they never stop and in the end he learns to just walk forwards. He feels so very tired. He did not know it was possible to feel this exhausted.
But now he feels something different. He can hear a voice. Male, quiet in the background. Like a whisper. He cannot hear the words it is saying but it grows in volume, and when it does he recognises Stefan's voice. How can that be? And in a moment he realises; all those years ago when he chose to kill Lehmann, afterwards Stefan had said a prayer. He had thought at the time it was for Lehmann but now he knows. It was for him. Then the voice is quiet and instead he hears a female voice. Freya's - and she is praying for him, her words telling him she forgives him.
“But I will never forgive myself,” he murmurs. The pain of both his loss and the prayers hurt him deep inside.
Hell is still on one side of him, but now on the other side there is a greyness to the black which as he keeps watching lightens, and he sees a floor with a stone path.
He hesitates for a second and tries to move. The force keeping him in place no longer stops him. As he steps on to the stone path he can feel a breeze and it carries with him the smell of the meadow he knew as a boy. He can now hear a stream trickling and the path becomes clearer. The emotions that start to grow in his chest are overwhelming and without realising it he is crying.
But what captivates him is that there are figures on the path ahead, moving toward him. He stops for a moment, feeling frightened. He deserves so much punishment for what he has done, for what he allowed to happen. And when he sees people he recognises he feels sick and falls to his knees sobbing. It is his wife and children. They are being shown to him for the last time before he goes to Hell and it hurts so much he doesn't know how to react, what to do, how to feel.
He closes his eyes until he feels someone in front of him. A soft hand strokes his cheek and he opens his eyes to the beautiful eyes of his wife.
“Eric,” she whispers and he does not care any more. He falls forward and takes her in his arms, holding her tight, he doesn't ever want to let her go.
“Have you come to say goodbye?” he sobs, his very heart breaking.
She moves him backwards and he sees his children behind her, how his heart aches but he deserves this. He knows he cannot be with them.
“No my darling. We've come to say hello, and to take you home,” she says and at first he does not understand. She smiles and beckons him to stand and walk with her.
His fate has been weighed and he has been found worthy.
Eric Jakobs has redeemed himself.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant