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Dichotomy	By : LeDiable Category: X-Men: (All Movies) > Slash - Male/Male > Charles/Erik Views: 2817 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men:First Class, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Charles had fallen asleep not long after he had asked me to stay. I envied him his ability to put all of the stress and anticipation for tomorrow aside. There would be little to no rest for me. There never was the night before any big operation. I generally used the time to figure out what exactly I was going to do and how I was going to do it. This time there were too many variables to try to anticipate. And so I found myself sitting in the bed watching the shadows flicker on the walls. They danced down the sides of his bookshelves and caressed the rug in front of his empty fireplace.
We had started the night off with our arms around each other. When we were both awake I allowed myself to enjoy it. I wanted to remember what this felt like, what he felt like, so that I could remember it if things went badly. For some reason it seemed important to remember the location of moles on his back, the sound of his heartbeat, and the softness of his skin. I waited until he fell asleep to gently extricate myself from him. I kissed him on the forehead before gently sliding his arms out from around me. He immediately turned over and started snoring softly. I had promised to stay until the alarm went off but something seemed to be almost stifling about that. The clock stood on his night stand as a cruel reminder that this would have to end eventually.
I didn't want to have to worry about him tomorrow. I wanted to be able to kill Shaw and then disappear back into the ether. My life would be my own again. For so long it had been consumed in acquiring skills and information that would lead me to Shaw, now there would be no purpose. That was both frightening and exhilarating at the same time.
Charles stirred in his sleep. I took a glance at the alarm clock. There were still two hours left until I absolutely had to leave. The seconds ticked away, time trailing off into oblivion.
The thought came that perhaps I could stay here with Charles and help him teach or something. Maybe even just keep the grounds clean. If Shaw was gone, Charles would be the only constant in my life. Somehow my life had grown to require a steady goal, some kind of focus. It seemed like he could provide the direction I needed.
It was odd, he and Shaw were almost diametrically opposed. I considered how they had both changed me. Shaw had destroyed the little boy that I had been, beating him down until only a cold, cruel shell remained. Charles had tried to help me recapture that feeling, the person that I was before. And he had tried to be more to me, a friend. Lately it had become something more and I wasn't sure where I wanted our relationship to go. I wanted time to be able to figure that out. It didn't look like we would be given that opportunity.
Still the seconds ticked away and the shadows on the wall shifted and moved over Charles' possessions. I closed my eyes and slid down on the bed. Images and flashes of what we had done tonight flickered through my consciousness. The brief glimpses I had of his mind had been awe-inspiring. I didn't know how he dealt with the constant flurry of thought from everyone around him. It had been too much for me just to hear his and mine. As I remembered what had happened all the stress and other concerns began to fade away. I fell asleep.
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It seemed like I had just drifted off when the alarm clock started to ring. I turned it off as quickly as I could. Underneath the covers it was nice and warm. When I pulled myself away from Charles it seemed like all of the warmth went out of my body. I dressed quickly, not looking at the bed. I didn't want to succumb to the temptation to stay the entire night with him. Not yet.
The mansion was quiet at this hour, though a grandfather clock in one of the abandoned rooms rang out the hour a few moments after I had gently closed the door to his room. The mansion was a maze of rooms devoted to excess. Had I not memorized certain key landmarks that I had passed on the way here I would not have been able to find my way back. The statues, paintings, and furniture all blended together. The last landmark, an imposing portrait of what I presumed was one of Charles' relatives, glared down the hallway from his seat of power. His furious stare remained with me as I went into my room.
All of my luggage was still there, unpacked and strewn about. I took a moment to pack things and sort through my file on Shaw. There would be no time to do it later. Everything fit in one briefcase and a battered old suitcase. I considered destroying them in case things went wrong and decided against it.
As I was putting them away something fell on the floor and rolled underneath the night stand. I swore and bent down to reach for it. It took a few moments but I was finally able to grab it. It turned out to be the coin. How I wished that it had disappeared on its own. It went into my pocket.
I made up the bed and finally sat down on top of it facing the windows. I watched the sun light up the sky, seemingly setting the tree tops ablaze in yellow and red, slowly taking over the darkness. My hand had warmed the coin and it felt like it was burning into my flesh. I realized that no matter how much Charles had awoken in me I was still under Shaw's thrall and would have no peace until he was gone.
I waited until the sun itself shone over the treetops before joining the others.
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Most of the day had gone by in a blur of adrenaline and effort. It was taking a while for my mind to catch up with what had happened. I had pulled Shaw's submarine out of the water and I had done it without Charles messing with my head. It was almost like I had reached a breakthrough, I had found the pivot point in my emotions that all my powers revolved around. Now it was just a matter of remembering what it was for the next time.
That accomplishment was nothing compared to what I had done next. I had killed Shaw. I had killed him with the coin he had used against me. I had destroyed the man who had ruined my life. I could still see his shocked gaze as the coin passed through his skull and came out the other side. For once he had been the one with no power. It felt as if a great weight had lifted. My mother's death had been avenged. And yet there was still the nagging feeling that he was right, that he wasn't the true enemy. His crimes were minor compared to the ones that humanity would commit once they found out we existed. I still didn't know where I stood in all of this. I knew he was right but I couldn't admit it.
My forehead still hurt and when I touched it my hands came away bloody. Sweat dripped down into my eyes and I wiped it away ineffectually. The helmet was stifling. It had been cooler inside the submarine but now on the beach the heat had risen. I picked up Shaw's body and moved it slowly in front of me. Now that his life had gone he seemed more pathetic. His head bobbed up and down as I pushed him out of the hole in the side of the submarine.
I wasn't ready for the look of disappointment Charles had when I returned to the beach. Part of it probably was that I had thrown Shaw's body to the ground before I floated down from the submarine. I hadn't intended to at first but then I realized that I would have to intimidate Shaw's allies in order to convince them to stop fighting us. They looked up at me with an almost begrudging respect.
I could sense the magnetic fields around us and it was easy to propel myself down them without too much effort. Everyone else was scared and intimidated but Charles looked like he was angry. His was the only opinion that really mattered to me. I wanted to explain it to him but I could feel the ships moving and regrouping in the water. Any discussion that we needed to have together would have to wait.
I floated to the ground. Everyone gave me a wide berth. There wasn't time to debate my actions. We were all going to die unless they trusted me. Charles reluctantly read the minds of the captains of the ships and confirmed what I already knew, they were going to attack us. I wanted there to be more time to make decisions but I could feel the cannons slowly turning to point at us. For once he would have to do things my way. It remained to be seen whether or not he would allow it. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the missiles as they approached the beach. I don't think I even heard the sound of them being launched. Instead I felt them, a hundred pieces of metal hurtling through the sky towards us. It took all I had to separate the feeling of them from the sense of the Blackbird, the sub, and the ships. As the missiles came closer and closer I reached out and then when all seemed lost I stopped them. If I thought of them all as little objects instead of an overwhelming barrage I could halt them before they reached us. That point in my mind that had given me so much power when I moved the satellite dish and the submarine was gone, replaced by anger that Charles still didn't believe me and that he didn't trust my word. It was not as strong as the emotion that I had felt with his help, but it worked almost as well.
I tried to channel that rage into my powers. The missiles shifted in midair. Everyone looked panicked. I willed myself to hold them still. My hand was shaking and I knew that at any moment I could drop all of them. The pain spread throughout my body and it felt like I was going to tear apart if I continued to hold them in the air.
It took a moment to regain focus especially without Charles helping me. My hand twisted, the missiles shuddered and then turned. I could hear Charles yelling at me to stop, hear him trying to reason with me. And I considered it, I truly did, until he brought up a familiar excuse that had colored my whole life. "They're just following orders." The phrase probably meant nothing to him, but I had heard it repeatedly as I tracked Shaw. I had heard it muttered through clenched teeth, screamed by frightened old men, and whispered over and over as the life left my victims' bodies. He should have remembered that especially as he claimed to know everything about me. The anger inside of me only grew. Now it was easier to justify blasting all of the ships into oblivion. If no one was willing to question their orders then they deserved whatever they received.
I inhaled deeply and then reached out and pushed the missiles away, hurtling them toward the battleships. It took all I had to keep them moving so when suddenly I was pushed down into the sand I lost control. I thought it was Hank or Alex who had attacked me, and when I looked up and it was Charles it took a supreme effort not to drop the missiles right then. As it was I lost about half of them. They exploded as they hit the water, their destruction rocking the boats in the sea. I gasped for air. It felt as if they had all been torn from my flesh. It took all I had to keep control of the remaining missiles.
We struggled on the ground. He kept on reaching for my helmet. I tried to pull away. I didn't want to hurt him but he was leaving me no choice. He barely relented when I pushed him off of me and he didn't stop until I had punched him in the face. I was caught up in the moment. The most I meant to do was push him away. Instead I had hurt him. I almost hated him for making me do it. Couldn't he see that I was trying to protect us? We were stronger together than apart. Still I had to keep the missiles in the air. I couldn't drop them now or we would all be lost.
I sent the missiles off again. They arched through the sky and made it about halfway before the large pieces of metal were joined by smaller ones. Moira was shooting at me. It was comically easy to deflect the bullets. I should have realized that nothing was ever that simple.
The bullet that ended it all wasn't any different than the rest. It should have hit me. I should have let it continue on. Instead I flung it to the side with all the others. It seemed like time sped up. Charles cried out in pain, clutching his back, and then fell to the ground. All of my attention went to him, the missiles didn't matter anymore. They fell into the water and exploded. I ran to him, what had I done?
I rolled him onto his side gently. Instead of the warm gush of blood that I expected there was only the crushed metal of the bullet. I froze. The bullet felt heavy in my hand though it was so small. It had lodged in the back of his suit down near his waist. A growing sense of horror slowly spread through my body.
"This wasn't supposed to happen." I said, trying not to let my voice betray any emotion. That worked until he looked at me. His eyes were full of pain and disappointment. It felt like my stomach was erupting in flames as I tried to keep control of myself. "I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice rasping in my throat. He didn't act like he was in pain otherwise, yet his hands were in fists. I wanted to grab one of them and tell him it was going to be okay. Everyone was looking at me like I'd stepped so far out of the realm of human decency that I could never come back. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to rip all of the battleships down to their base components. But most of all I wanted him to be safe and uninjured. "They wanted us to fight each other. Can't you see that we're stronger together? We have to protect ourselves. You and I, we need to lead mutants against humanity. Come with me." It was taking all I had not to fall apart in front of him.
He laughed joylessly and then winced. I held him tighter. "I don't think you understand me at all. That's not the world that I want. I can't go with you," he said quietly. His eyes were full of betrayal and accusation. I couldn't look into them for long without feeling like vomiting. The guilt that had lodged itself in my stomach twisted.
Moira stepped forward still holding the gun that had caused all of this. Anger burned in my body and I lashed out at her. "This is your fault," I hissed. How convenient that she was wearing dog-tags. That meant I didn't have to find something else to make her suffer. I used my powers to tighten the chain around her neck. Her hands clutched at her throat and she gasped for air. Maybe now she had a little taste of what she had wrought.
Charles stirred in my arms. "It's not her fault. It's yours." When he said that I knew it was true. I knew it was my fault. All of it. I looked down at him in shock. He looked past me as if I was invisible. There was no point in pretending that I could fix this. I let go of the dog-tags and beckoned her over. It only hit me later that I should have said something, done something to let him know that I was sorry but at the moment I just wanted to get away from his accusing eyes. I gently passed him over to Moira and tried to recover some dignity.
I don't even remember what I said to try and get the others to join me. My mind was on Charles. Moira was cradling him and glaring at me. Hank, Alex, and Sean looked battle-weary and angry. Shaw's henchmen appeared unsure and directionless. I must have appealed to their sense of community, their fear of being hunted and alone. I promised them acceptance. It was almost as if I was talking to myself, trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do. Raven was looking at me as if I was appealing to everything she wanted to become. Maybe if she joined me others would follow. I held my hand out to her. I don't think I could have stood being left alone again.
She walked towards me but detoured to Charles. I tried not to let that affect me. They were brother and sister in everything but blood. Maybe she could say the goodbye that I couldn't. I watched them talk with each other before she pulled away and took my hand. Hers was sweaty and she shook a little as she looked at me. That soon passed and she was able to smile and put on a brave front for the rest. Shaw's henchmen came over soon after. I took a last look at Charles and then nodded to Azazel. We teleported.
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For a moment after we reappeared I couldn't see and all I could smell was sulfur and fire. Raven was coughing and trying to regain her balance. When my sight refocused I realized we were in a bunker or barracks of some kind. There was only a little light let in by the narrow windows set up high in the walls. It revealed dark shapes lurking in the gloom, probably some kind of furniture but I couldn't make sense of it yet. As the sulfur dissipated the only smell that remained was that of age and old paper. There was no real way to tell how far we had traveled.
Azazel and the others were looking at me expectantly. I should have anticipated it. I had told them that I would lead them to a brighter future. This should have been where I took control and laid out our plans. But I had to take care of something first. My mind was still full of images of Charles struggling to keep himself together in Moira's arms. I couldn't leave him, he would have gone back for me. In fact he had risked his life for me when we first met.
Raven jumped when I touched her arm. "Keep them busy for a while." She looked like she was going to argue but something in my face must have made her realize that I was serious. I watched her take Riptide and Angel to the side and start to clean things up.
Azazel looked surprised when I turned to him. "Can you take me to the bridge of the closest American battleship to the island?" I asked.
"Of course, but why do you want to go back there?" His accent seemed Eastern European but I had only overheard him saying a few words and phrases in Russian, nothing that would narrow down exactly where he came from. There would be time for that later.
"I left something unfinished." I must have sounded convincing because he didn't ask any questions. He simply nodded and touched my arm.
I barely had time to breathe before we were what I assumed was miles away standing on the bridge of one of the ships behind the captain. It took a few moments for them to register that we were even there. And when they did we were soon surrounded by sailors pointing guns at us. Azazel looked somewhat nervous, not for himself but for me. I didn't have time for this. I raised my hand and plucked the weapons from their hands. The guns clattered to the deck as I pulled them apart.
The captain's mouth was stuck open. "You're the one from the island! What are you?!"
"That doesn't matter," I snapped, stepping closer to him. He tried to pull away. It only took a second to hold him in place by his watch and wedding ring. "I need you to send a boat out to the island. I left my hostages there and one of them is injured." He opened his mouth more to protest. I made his jewelry constrict, he cried out in pain. "If you don't do this I will make sure that the missiles don't miss next time."
The captain nodded slowly before barking orders into the radio. Instantly sailors sprang into action on deck and they were putting a boat into the water. Satisfied that they were following my request, I gestured to Azazel and he teleported us to a higher point on the island.
I watched the little specks that were Charles and the rest. Everyone was huddled around him on the beach. Moira stayed with him until the boat reached the shore and what I presumed was the ship's doctor and a few crew members landed. She turned him over to them and they all filed back onto the boat.
Azazel said nothing as he stood next to me. I guessed that he had learned not to question from Shaw. His tail twitched back and forth in agitation. "Why did we come back?" he asked finally, his curiosity finally overriding his reserve.
"I had to make sure he was going to be taken care of." I didn't care if Azazel understood or not. I had done this to Charles, I had to attempt to make it right.
He looked up at the sky. "It's getting dark." The sky was quickly turning a shade between blue and purple. The sun had long since vanished over the horizon. I watched the boat head back to the battleship and wished that I could find out what was happening and how he was doing. That was too dangerous. Finally long after they had gone I asked Azazel to take me back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While we were gone someone had gone to the trouble of setting up lights all throughout the main room. In the better light I was able to make out that it the main room of a bunker of sorts, furnished with the careful attention to detail that Shaw took with all of his property. The main room had a couch, a large oak table and chairs, and a vast array of electronic equipment in boxes that spilled out over the floor. This furniture looked old and dated, especially compared to how he had furnished his submarine. For a brief moment I remembered his office in the camps, had this furniture been from then? The walls were lined with bookshelves and file cabinets. There was a doorway that led to a longer hallway that promised more rooms.
Raven was sitting on the couch looking dejected and alone. When we appeared she jumped up and came over to meet us. It looked like she had been crying. "Where did you go?" she asked. I wanted to lie to her, to treat her with callous indifference so I could set a tone for the days to come but I couldn't. Charles was hers as well.
"I made them go back for Charles." I said. "They took him back on one of the ships."
She glared at Azazel. "Why didn't you teleport him to a hospital?"
He glanced at me before answering. "Things tend to go. . .wrong when moving injured people." In truth I had thought of asking him but had decided against it. There were too many variables involved. Still I couldn't let him take the blame in her eyes.
"I thought it might have made things worse. The bullet hit his back . . ." I wanted to continue but my throat seized up. She touched my shoulder gently. I backed away, Azazel couldn't see that I had a weakness. I swallowed desperately hoping that I could hide what I was feeling for just a little bit longer. "Where is everyone?"
She rolled her eyes. "I told them that you'd talk to them tomorrow. They went to their rooms."
"Thank you." And I meant it. There was no way that I could deal with trying to inspire someone now when all I had was lost.
She pointed down the hallway. "The last one on the left is free. They're a lot smaller than the rooms at the mansion." I dismissed them both and then went to find my room. The specter of tomorrow loomed in my mind but that could be dealt with later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My room was little more than a narrow portion of hallway that looked like it had been sectioned off. There was a basic metal bed with sheets and an army issue blanket. A metal night stand with two empty drawers made up the rest of the furniture. A barred window was set high up in the wall. The walls were painted white, the furniture a dark shade of green. I scrambled up on top of the bed to see if I could see anything out of the window. It was completely dark outside leaving no clue to where we were. Right now I should have been flying back to the mansion with everyone, Shaw would still be dead, war would have been averted, and Charles would be healthy. Instead I was here alone again. And that was all my fault.
I cursed as I took the helmet off. There was no need to wear it here, there were no telepaths around at the moment. My forehead started to hurt again. When I touched it my hand came away wet with blood. I sat down on the bed and held my hand against it to stop the bleeding. The sting of sweat against the wound made me think of Charles. Not knowing what I had caused was killing me inside. The guilt was running through my body trying to tear me apart. All I could see when I closed my eyes was him lying in pain on the beach. When he had said that killing Shaw wouldn't bring me peace why hadn't he said that the rage would be replaced with guilt? It felt like there was something growing inside of me that I had to let free, I was trapped here with people that I didn't know or trust and there was no way out. I punched the wall, hoping to replace the pain in my stomach with physical pain somewhere else. It seemed like it worked. The walls were thick enough that anything I did couldn't be heard by anyone outside. I did it again. My knuckles started to turn red. This wasn't healthy but I felt like if I didn't do something soon I was going to go crazy. The guilt would overwhelm me. And I had to be strong tomorrow. So I continued to slam my fists against the wall until the skin finally broke and I couldn't feel the impact anymore. I wanted to lose myself in the pain but the memory of Charles saying it was all my fault, that he didn't want to go with me, of the bullet in my hand, that overtook it all. I sank to the floor.
I cried. I cried for him, for Shaw, for my parents, for all of the people that I had hurt. I didn't hold back because I knew this had to be the last time. After this I had to be strong and almost emotionless so I could be a leader to this ragtag bunch of mutants. I couldn't be the Erik that had loved Charles anymore. The rage had to become a barrier to keep everyone away. I never wanted to hurt like this again.
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Dichotomy