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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 29
- 30
- 31
Chapter Thirty
After The Wipe

Part One - The Constant
The patient is unconscious.
They have moved him back to a special room made for containing him. It has been set up as a medical facility, and has been outfitted with precautions such as straps on the single bed, panic alarms, telephones, and two guards outside.
You sit by his bedside.
This is the first time they have used this technology on him and they are worried; you can see it in their eyes. Jakobs has told you about the poor bastards they have tested it on already, that they were left as gibbering idiots or catatonic and had to be put down with a single bullet between the eyes. You know that it is your fault they have used the wipe earlier than they intended to. If only you had not told him what they had done to you. You blame yourself.
You always blame yourself.
This machine used for the wipe is an amazing piece of technology. Thankfully, it had already been at the end of its testing phase and was calibrated to the Winter Soldier's brain waves. Lehmann was the one who has ordered it. He took full responsibility, and he recognised that this was a make or break moment for both him and the patient. But he was confident it would work.
And he was right.
The other doctors had wanted to start with a basic run, baby steps, but Lehmann insisted they went the whole way first time: a complete wipe. No one can tell the damage at present. His arm is bandaged where the arm band sunk into his flesh in his need to escape the pain but it is already healing. There was blood from his nose and ears but you have wiped that clean. The doctors do not expect there to be any other problems with the bleeding inside the brain as the lasers have burnt and cauterised the flesh. The slight burns on the side of his face and in his hair are almost completely healed.
They have decided to allow the Winter Soldier to wake in his own time. It is out of their hands. They cannot force it.
The door has been left open, and the doctors have been in and out all day. Lehmann is like a cat on a hot tin roof, demanding regular updates. All you have been able to tell them so far is he is still sleeping, twitching occasionally as if in a dream state.
The Winter Soldier is strapped to the bed. They cannot guarantee that when he wakes up he will not still retain the two personalities, and if so which one will be in charge. They don’t want to take any chances. All of their hopes are riding on the possibility that they will have combined.
And what will that make him to you?
You are watching him when his eyes open, but only because you spotted his hand curling on the bed. You press the buzzer by the bedside, stand up, and put your hand on his shoulder.
"Its all right. You're okay." you say quietly, but when you look into his eyes you draw back slightly. At first you think it is the second personality - you think there is anger there and it takes you a few moments to realise it is not. This man looks at you a slight frown on his face. Looks at your hand. Unconsciously you take it away.
He doesn't seem to know you, not in the way he should.
He tries to move and sees that he can't, and his focus is back on you.
"Why am I being held down?" His voice is strange, cold, and it feels like someone has walked over your grave. He spoke in Russian. You try and remain calm, try not to let your discomfort show on your face.
"Do you now where you are?" you ask. You don't recognise either personality in him.
He looks at the straps and starts to flex his arms, then he looks back at you. "Release these."
"I can't," you say. There is something wrong here. You don't feel you know this man, the look on his face, his eyes, his movements.
He ignores you and flexes again, then with concentration pulls forward and the straps start to give.
You take a step back.
The doctors are just coming in. They see what is happening, and one calls for the guards who come in with stun rifles. The straps have broken and he has swung around to sit on the side of the bed; it is obvious that he feels dizzy with nausea. He is dressed as he was in the main room, bare chest, trousers, bare feet.
He sits there for a while, head down, eyes closed, hands gripping the side of the bed. You need to do something.
“Drink this. It may help.” you say. You pass him the cup of water on the bedside table, he looks at it for a moment. “It's just water.”
He studies you then takes it and drinks it straight down.
You take the empty cup and and he stands. You step forward to help but he ignores you. He doesn't seem violent; he is just trying to get his bearings. You turn to the chair and pick up one of his tee shirts and then pass it to him to put on. Whilst he is pulling it down, Doctor Lehmann comes in and steps forward. The patient looks at him.
He seems to recognise authority when he sees it.
"What happened? Where am I?" he asks Lehmann.
"What do you remember?" Lehmann asks cautiously, glancing at you yet ready to step back if necessary.
The two guards stand by, rifles ready. The Winter Soldier glances at them and then away. It is obvious from his reaction he feels they are of no danger to him.
Lehmann thinks that Fennhoff must have been right; their plan seems to have worked. Fennhoff had said that a full wipe would combine the personalities and looking at the man in front of him he believes that is what has happened. You see a triumphant look on his face and it makes you shudder.
The patient looks at you. You can see you are familiar to him but you are not important. He has judged and dismissed you already; he doesn't think you can tell him what he needs to know.
Lehmann turns around to you. "You can go now," he says.
You look at the Winter Soldier, almost as if asking for permission. He just stares at you. Nothing. You do not know what to say.
"I said you can go now, nurse...we do not need you at this point." Lehmann repeats and indicates to one of the guards to take you out. As you leave you look over your shoulder; you see the patient lean forward, Lehmann talking to him quietly, and then the guard closes the door and you are alone in the corridor.
You walk back to your room. It seems so cold and uninviting without him there. You sit on the edge of the bed and your mind is in turmoil. When Lehmann said they didn't need you, you wonder if he was going to add the words any more.
This new Winter Soldier's eyes were cold, dead. No, worse than that; he looked at you as if you meant nothing to him. His feelings are dead and that is what they wanted, that is what happened when he was wiped. You remember as they turned up the dial making you watch the agony he went through, he may not remember you but you remember everything. You feel empty and tired and worn out. You curl up on the bed, trying not to think, hoping to lose yourself in sleep, but you can't. Memories of the field camp, of James, of your parents, your life, all whirl around in your head and you think you are going to go mad.
Later, when you cannot stand your own company any longer, you try to leave your room only to find a guard blocking your way. He tells you that for the rest of today you must stay in there - Lehmann's orders. A meal is delivered at midday, and then later in the evening but you barely touch them. The hours drag by until finally you give in and go to bed. You spend a restless night wondering what is going to happen.
The next day you see no one but the guard outside and he will tell you nothing. No one comes to tell you what is happening. You try to go to see one of the doctors, but again you find that the guard on duty will not let you anywhere. When you say you would like to go to the canteen he refuses and says your meals will be delivered. He has his orders to keep you contained. The day passes slowly.
That evening, Lehmann brings the Winter Soldier back to you.
You are startled when the door opens and they enter. Lehmann tells him these are his quarters, and he introduces you with a smirk on his face. He explains to the Winter Soldier that you will fulfil all his needs, and by all he means anything and everything.
Then he leaves him with you, and for the first time in your life you want to ask Lehmann to stay. You do not want to be left with this stranger. You feel sick and unsettled, you find yourself wishing you had made an effort to change your clothes, wash your hair. It would have given you more confidence to return the stranger's stare.
The door closes behind Lehmann with what seems like a final click, and you are alone with him. Alone with the stranger.
The Winter Soldier looks around, and then looks at you, and at first you think he is going to complain. He looks you up and down his gaze lingering on your body and you can hear him in your mind - they expect me to sleep with this? You find yourself trying to smooth your skirt down.
He turns and looks around the room. You step to his side and try to explain where things are, but your voice sounds high pitched, as if it is not your own, and things seem surreal. He walks to the kitchen area and fetches a glass of water to drink. You watch as he does. He puts the glass down turns and catches you watching. You know you are blushing at being caught, and you try to stutter something, try to smile again.
“I can telephone down and get a meal for you, if you like, or I can make you something light.”
But he just pushes past you and makes his way to the bathroom closing the door behind him. You look around the room. What do you do now? You look quickly in the mirror; you are a mess. You straighten your clothes, and even undo another button on your blouse...then decide that made you look like a loose woman and re-button it again. You quickly undo your plait and brush your hair out, then, undecided, you loop it back as a ponytail. It doesn't seem to make any difference. You want to look good for him.
You want him to like you.
Just how stupid are you?
When he comes back out you try to talk to him again about his schedule, about how it is arranged. You watch his eyes travel over your body, and again you find yourself wishing you looked more appealable, had taken more care over your appearance. But then he reaches out and takes hold of you roughly, pulls you over to the bed, and with absolutely no feeling, he fucks you. No words. He is harsh and uncompromising. You are there just for release, nothing else. That is all he wants from you. All he takes from you; that, and any sense of worth you had built up after the months of being by his side.
When he is finished with you, he leaves without a word. All you are here for is this and to make his life easier by ensuring he has everything he needed.
Everything.
You lie on the bed, close your eyes, and can still feel his hands pulling your clothes off as you had not undressed fast enough, feeling your body. No caresses, just roughness. You touched him back but he looked at you in such a way that in the end you just did what he wanted, opened your legs and tried to think of something else. He hadn't even undressed; no passion, nothing. You’re surprised he didn't leave cash on the bedside table when he left. You laugh bitterly to yourself in the empty room.
This is their Winter Soldier, not yours.
In the days that follow you understand you are still to share a room, but they put in an extra bed. It is a single one and no one tells you why. You can't help but wonder if the request was his. It is tucked away in the corner so you would have somewhere to sleep on the nights he didn't want you in his bed, and for afterwards when he made it obvious you were only in his bed for one thing.
He still has nightmares, though. He wakes not knowing what is chasing him, angry, rough with you as if they were your fault, as if trying to prove to someone that they don’t scare him. He uses you to take his mind off them, then sends you back to your own cold bed. Finished with, dismissed.
Your days are spent ensuring everything is running smoothly. Making sure he has his meals, his clothes, ensuring he is where he should be at the right times, setting up a timetable with Lehmann and with his trainers. The doctors use the timetable to book their time with him: more tests, more blood works. He follows it religiously, never questions what they are doing to him, what they are training him for.
You give them no reason to wipe him again.
One day it is languages in the morning and gun training in the afternoon; fight training the next. He rarely shares his showers with you now, but when you do see him naked his body is bruised and battered until one day you realise there is not a mark on him. He is becoming the Winter Soldier. They cannot catch him.
His personality is cold. He is just interested in one thing: how to become a better soldier, a better killing machine. No softness, only hardness.
You notice a subtle change in the way the guards and other soldiers react to him. They are more wary, but there is a respect there. He talks with Marinov and if he asks for something to be done it is done. The powers to be may control him but he is beginning to take control of the soldiers and guards in the small unit. Some of them will be the ones chosen to travel and fight with him. They will all learn to depend on one another in the field, but here at the facility they will never totally trust him. They cannot beat him now: he is too fast. You know that soon, very soon, they will think about the next step, programming.
He has one feeling that overrides his wipe. His anger. He has difficulty controlling it but you think you may be the only one to have noticed this. You are wary of mentioning it to Lehmann in case he demands another wipe and although the Winter Soldier is not James he is your only link to him and you promised him he would never be alone. You are an intensely loyal person and take your promises seriously. You will not leave him unless it is his choice and his alone.
On occasion he has problems with his metal arm. On those days he is cranky and you are more likely to be forced onto your knees in the shower to service him - or worse, face to the wall, taken from behind so he doesn't have to look at you. You know the pain the arm can cause him but he does not allow you near to comfort him. That is not what you are there for. He is the Winter Soldier, he is allowed no comfort and would not want it anyway.
It does not occur to you that your treatment is unfair. You blame yourself for everything.
And then the day comes when he is to be taken into the field and tested. They load up the trucks and take him away with his team. You do not see him for three days, and when he returns he is tired but victorious. Six dead men are unloaded from the back of the truck, their bodies conveniently lost - six men who got too close even though this was just supposed to be field training.
Their Winter Soldier is ready.
That night he is in the shower and you know he may be sent on a mission soon. You have missed him. You need him, you want to be close to him - but he hasn't sought you out.
You take your life in your hands and seek him out instead.
As he comes back into your room he is still getting dressed. You stand in front of him and try to ask him if you can sleep with him tonight but you stutter. He goes to walk around you as if you are not there but you take hold of his arm. He looks at your hand and then at you and pulls away. The expression is a sneer but you can see, he may not be interested but his body is.
You want him to react to you, even if it just his anger; you are desperate, reckless, and slap him hard across the face. He stares at you as if he cannot believe what you just did. You raise your hand again but this time he is ready for you and you find your arms gripped tightly; you are turned around and then thrown to the floor. But you are not giving up that easy. You are close to being hysterical, all your fears and doubts are crowding your mind and you to feel angry, angry for all that has happened to you, all that has been taken away from you. You get up and charge at him.
This time he catches your arms and laughs at you. At your feeble attempts to hurt him. You are shouting, asking him if he isn't man enough to take you on. The grin is wiped from his face and he growls, pushing you backwards until your legs hit the edge of the bed. Then he releases you and you fall back. He is looking at you but then turns to walk away. You can see he wants you. Why won't he just admit it?
What can you say? What can you do to stop him from leaving? You are reckless, too reckless, you don't consider what you are saying, you want to hurt him. All the time on your own, all the time without seeing any sign of James, your safety, your life means nothing to you any more.
“I suppose they haven't covered that in your training have they? How to fuck properly.” You say before you can help yourself.
He turns around slowly and the expression on his face shows you have gone to far.
He is over to you in two paces and strikes you as hard as he can. Then, grabbing you by the hair he moves you off the the bed throwing you against the wall and you fall down hard. Your lip splits and starts to bleed and you think you may have broken ribs.
You have lost your Winter Soldier. There is nothing of him left. But this one has not finished with you.
He grabs you by the hair again and pulls you up and shakes you hard. He is so angry, frustration driving him on.
“Don't ever talk to me like that again, you whore!” Spittle lands on your face and you can see that he is ready to kill you. His eyes are wild, cords of muscle stand out on his neck. He is so pumped with adrenaline that you think you know how those six dead men felt just before they died. His metal hand takes you around the throat and he begins squeezing slowly. You struggle but he is so strong that he actually lifts you off the ground and you see sparks of light around your vision.
You can hear a loud pounding in your head and then suddenly you are not being held any more and you fall to the ground at his feet, choking and gulping in deep breathes of air. Your neck feels crushed.
He crouches down next to you and again takes your hair in his hand and pulls your head back so he can look at you.
“Who the fuck are you?” he asks. His grip tightens and you don’t understand.
“No one,” you try to say but it comes out as a whisper.
“Who the fuck are you? Why did they give you to me?” He is so angry he is snarling and you are sure he is going to tear the hair out of your scalp.
He studies you and slowly you can see the anger start to ebb away. His grip starts to relax and he lets go. You fall to the floor on your back, sobbing. You ache all over, both your body and your soul.
He stands up and just keeps looking at you. Nothing shows in his face now, you don’t know what he is thinking.
As if to prove you are nothing to him, he puts one booted foot on your rib cage and presses down. You can't breathe again, pain flares throughout your body. He moves his foot up your chest, watching you gasp for breath, then up further until it rests on your throat. One more move and he will crush your windpipe. Your hands scrabble to try to move his foot away.
Then, as though he can't be bothered with you any more, he takes his foot away. The pressure is relieved and he is gone. You lay there panting, trying to get your breath back. Trying not to think of the way he looked at you, the way there was no recognition or want in his gaze.
You are nothing to anyone any more.
That night he comes back when it is dark. You are in your own bed but you are not asleep; you keep your eyes closed and pretend you are. You hear him come into the room and he comes over to the bed where you lay.
He doesn't move for what seems an eternity. You can hear his breathing. You want to reach out to him and ask him into your bed but you no longer believe he wants you and if you react to him maybe it will just result in another beating. You couldn't cope with that. You couldn't cope with the person who was once James doing those things to you.
Finally he turns and goes to his own bed and you hear the springs of the mattress as lays down.
Neither of you sleeps well that night.
*
Part Two - The Winter Soldier
He pretends to still be asleep and listens to what is going on in the room.
He cannot remember anything and tries to determine where he is, and what is happening. He is strapped down to a bed. Surprisingly he feels calm, and senses someone close to him. A woman. She rarely leaves his side and he hears her murmuring to other people who come in and out of the room.
Slowly some form of memory starts to return. He is a soldier and he is in some kind of facility, not a hospital as he first thought. He flexes his hands: one flesh, one metal, both strong. The metal hand curls and he opens his eyes. The light in the room is fairly subdued but he still blinks once or twice.
The woman is by his side. She stands up and says something to him, touching his shoulder. He knows her...but doesn't know how. He can see that the look he gives her causes some alarm and she removes her hand quickly.
He tries to sit up but there are straps holding him down. There is not much pressure, and he tells the woman to release them and feels a slight annoyance when she refuses. He flexes against the restraints and then, pushing hard, sits up and they break.
Did they really think those would hold him?
Guards come running in together with several other people but he ignores them. It is a pretence; he is working out how many there are and who could be dangerous as he sits on the edge of the bed. In truth he also feels unbalanced and realises the woman is holding out a cup of water which he takes after a small hesitation and drains, wiping his mouth after with his wrist. She then hands him a black tee shirt which he puts on. As he does so he notices a bandage on his right arm, the skin underneath it feels tight. He dismisses it, it is not important.
Another man comes in. He somehow recognises him but cannot remember his name. It is obvious this is the man in charge by the way the others withdraw slightly; all except the woman. It feels as though she wants to protect him from this man. He doesn't need a woman’s protection, he knows he could kill them all without even breaking into a sweat.
His head is painful but as he remains sitting it starts to clear, and the water has helped. He feels that for some reason his head hasn't been this clear in a long while and he wonders if he has been ill. He can see the guards are nervous by the way they keep their rifles trained on him.
The man asks him a question and he focuses his attention on him. He is definitely not a military man; he looks more like a politician, but it is obvious the power lies with him. He looks again at the woman. She is standing watching him, watching his reactions. She looks nervous, but not of him. The man turns to look at her and tells her she can go. She turns to look at him as if asking for permission and again he tries to grasp the memory that he knows who she is but it is too fleeting. In the end he ignores her and returns his attention to the man. A guard steps forwards and takes her arm, she has to leave and they close the door behind her.
“What do you remember?” The man asks him again.
He studies him for a moment. “Not an awful lot,” he admits. He needs to find out more, and this is the man who can tell him.
The man nods, looking thoughtful but pleased, and he tells the Soldier to sit down. He will come to discover that Lehmann doesn't like him looming over him. With him sat down on the edge of the bed they are on more of an equal level.
“Let me give you the shortened version first and then we will discuss more. My name is Doctor Lehmann and I am the director of this facility.”
The soldier nods to show he is following.
“You are a soldier and you have been...unwell. You have no rank, no name. You are just known as the Winter Soldier and nothing else. Do you understand.”
The soldier nods again, finding the name familiar.
“You work for us, and we are part of an organisation called Hydra. They have sponsored you and given you that new arm. Hydra are the ones who are giving you this chance to make a difference to the world, to make it a better place. You report directly to me and no one else. If you have any questions you ask me, no one else. Do you understand?”
The Winter Soldier blinks hard as a memory hits him and for a minute he thinks he is going to pass out. Something to do with a train going at high speed, a blond man shouting at him...the blond man looks upset. He shakes his head, trying to clear it.
“Do you understand?” Lehmann repeats.
The memory is gone and the soldier nods his head, rubbing a hand over his face.
Lehmann studies him for a moment, then turns.
“Come with me. We have a lot to discuss.”
The soldier stands and there is a moment of dizziness. “Where am I?” he asks, and Lehmann turns back to him.
“That is not relevant. I will tell you what you need to know and what you don’t need to know is of no concern to you.” With that, Lehmann leaves the room and the Winter Soldier follows.
As they walk down the corridor he again senses the guards' fear of him. His head is clear now and he feels a strength in his body that makes him feel as though he is invincible. As he walks he tries to grasp the memory he had of the train but it fails to develop. Maybe that is the accident Director Lehmann mentioned? If it is important, he guesses that Lehmann will tell him so for now he puts it out of his mind.
Lehmann spends the afternoon filling the Winter Soldier in on what Hydra is trying to do and what part he is to play in the grand scheme of things. He is to be the fist of Hydra, coming down hard on their enemies, clearing the playing board until only their own troops are left. He will work with a small team and although the Winter Soldier will be under orders, he will be responsible for each mission that he and his team are sent on. There will be a team leader whom he will work with. He will be taught all he needs to know from arms training to languages to world politics when and if it it is needed.
Lehmann then gives him a tour of the facility, but only on the levels he will use. They do not go to the surface. Lehmann explains there is still work for them to do with him before they can initiate him and send him on his first mission. There will be times when he is kept in cryo freeze, thereby extending his lifespan and enabling him to continue with his future as Hydra's main asset.
He does not question anything. He is a soldier. He obeys orders. His life belongs to them.
Towards the end of the day, after they have eaten, he is taken to a room filled with machinery, computers, and in the centre a huge chair surrounded by monitors. Again there is a familiarity in all that he is seeing. He will remain there for the rest of the night as they test his arm and assess his mind and body. Lehmann will see him again the next day to continue where they left off.
The doctors who work on him that night barely speak to him. He is subjected to pain and discomfort, but he does not say a word. His mind and his body belongs to them he knows that, he has no rights with these people. At the end of the testing he is tired and still in pain but he accepts it all without any complaint.
He is the Winter Soldier.
They allow him to sleep on a cot in the room for a couple of hours before they wake him to continue, and by the time Lehmann comes back for him next day they have finished.
They can find no problems. Lehmann's gamble has worked. He is one mind. He is theirs.
Again the Soldier spends most of the next day with Lehmann learning about Hydra. He believes everything he is told. When the day is coming to an end, Lehmann tells him he will take him back to his quarters.
These he will share with a woman.
“The one who was with me when I woke up?”
“Yes, that one. She is your Constant. She will be with you whenever we wake you from cryo-freeze as you seem to have some connection with her.”
“I don’t understand.”
Lehmann feels like saying he doesn't either, but instead he tells the Winter Soldier the story he has concocted.
“She is a nurse who was assigned to you when you were injured, and somehow you seem to find being around her calms you. We decided to let her remain with you but if at any time you would like us to...get rid of her just say the word and she will be gone.”
For the first time in the two days the Winter Soldier feels something. Panic? The thought of them getting rid of her for some reason makes him feel sick, and his heart begins to beat faster. None of this shows on the surface; somehow he knows not to admit to it.
Lehmann continues, totally unaware of the ball of fear that has just hit the Winter Soldier.
“For the time being, we will use her. When you come out of cryo freeze, you are confused and with your strength you have the ability to hurt a lot of people. We have found that, if she is with you, then you seem to regain your...directives faster. It saves a lot of time, so for now she will remain with you. I should warn you that although she is a nurse she does appear to be...how can I describe her...well there is no easy way. She is a woman of loose morals.”
The Winter Soldier stops in his tracks. He finds what Lehmann says confusing. Up until that last piece of information he was thinking how Lehmann said he had been in cryo freezing before, yet he does not remember. The thought that the woman is not for his use only makes the ball of fear start to turn to anger.
“I still don’t understand,” he says slowly.
Lehmann smiles at him. “She is a whore. I don’t know how else to describe her behaviour with you and other men in the past. She will belong to you and whatever you decide is to be done with her will be your call; no one will interfere, but I think you will have no problems with her sharing your bed to keep you warm at night.”
Other men. What does he mean by other men?
A well of jealousy and anger fills the Winter Soldier and he is shocked at how strong the feeling is. He struggles to keep it hidden from Lehmann. Subconsciously he knows Lehmann would not be happy with him having any feelings except those that will make him a better soldier, a better killing machine.
As they draw nearer to where his quarters are, the anger continues to build in him. He remembers the woman from when he awoke. He remembers how she looked at him...and all the time she was probably just there so she could flirt with the guards and the other men coming in and out of the room.
By the time they get to his room and he is introduced to the woman, he is finding it difficult to keep focused, to remain civil. Lehmann leaves them alone.
The Soldier and The Whore. What else is he going to use her for?
She tries to explain to him about where things are, his clothes, his rota, what he will be doing the next day, how his meals will be provided but all he can do is watch her move: her long legs, how her blouse tightens over her breasts when she moves. He watches her mouth, wide and generous, big eyes that draw him in and make him feel a warmth spreading in his belly and groin. Lehmann said she was his. His hand comes up and he touches her hair; she has it drawn back in a pony tail, and it is soft and luxurious. He has a memory of drawing it through his hand and seeing the colours in it. His grip tightens, and she tries to draw away but he isn't going to let her.
He is a soldier and she is a whore. What else would he want from her? She can see it in his eyes and feel it in his body when he pushes against her. She touches his face but his eyes are cold and she stumbles over her words, nervous for some reason. How many men has she slept with? How many men does she still sleep with? She is his, and his alone, and he needs to remind her of that. He starts to hurt her, starts to pull at her clothing, pushing her to lie down on the bed and forcing her legs open.
He refuses to acknowledge the look of betrayal in her eyes as he bruises her flesh, bites her, his nails scratching in their haste to possess her. She barely makes a sound. He closes his eyes as he pounds into her, feeling the heat spread throughout his body. Feeling the burst as he empties himself into her and at the last moment covering her mouth with his so she can't breathe; so she struggles and finally cries out.
Then afterwards, seeing those eyes watching him. Unshed tears as she moves away from him. He has to get away from her otherwise he will kill her, will strangle that pretty neck, ruin her face, break her bones until she begs him to stop. Until she can no longer say anything. Until she is lying dead at his feet. He doesn’t want that.
The fear suddenly of her not being there making him feel sick again.
He needs to get out and he does. He leaves the room, feet pounding down the corridor until he reaches the end of the tunnel. Where can he go? Where can he outrun the image of her face? Down the stairs to the floor that houses the gym and out onto the track laid around the equipment, running as if something is chasing after him, and for the first time since he has woken up he feels fear, not of her, not of them, but of himself.
When he has exhausted himself, he doesn't return to their room and instead crashes out on the cot in the main room. No one questions why he is there; he has to have some space to find his own way, his own volition as this will make him more pliable, more accepting of his fate.
In the morning he returns to their room. She is there and he can see the marks he has left on her. He doesn't speak, he doesn't ask her if she is all right even though a small part of him wants to. Whenever he tries to think about her, tries to remember the previous times he has spent with her his head begins to ache and images go by too quick to catch.
So instead he focuses on what Lehmann has told him about her, and lets his anger dictate his actions. He grabs clean clothes and heads off for the shower room. When he returns food is waiting for him. He still doesn't acknowledge her.
He can see she doesn't know what to do, she wants to talk to him, wants to touch him, but she doesn't come near. In the end she lets his mood dictate their time together. She places a copy of his timetable in front of him whilst he is eating and he pretends to concentrate on that. It shows what and where he is expected to be. She tells him when his next meal will be here and at what time. He doesn't say a word. Then he leaves her, he feels sick inside and doesn't know why.
Who is she, and why does she have such an affect on him if all she is is a whore?
Before heading to where he is supposed to be, he first calls in on Lehmann and asks for another bed to be placed in their room. Lehmann is surprised and offers him his own room if his isn't right, but the Winter Soldier refuses. He just wants a single bed in addition to his to be put in and doesn't give a reason even though it is obvious he has one.
The bed will be her protection. Somewhere for her to go when he has hurt her because he knows he will, he knows he will not let her go: she is his, his possession, and she is going to need a safe place away from him and this is all he will allow her.
“Would you like me to find you another female?” Lehmann asks.
“No! No...there is no need for that.”
And Lehmann smiles to himself; always happy to control the fate of others.
Training begins and the Winter Soldier is glad. He can forget about her and concentrate on learning. Some of the training is brutal. None of the instructors pull their punches and he returns to their quarters bloodied and bruised. The way she looks at him, he can see pity - no not pity - worry for him. She tries to help, tries to see to his injuries but he will not let her near him.
Not until the nightmares start.
At night he sleeps deeply. The constant training and learning takes its toll and usually he falls into bed most nights and sleeps until morning, but recently his dreams are turning into nightmares that he can never remember afterwards. He cries out in his sleep, only to be woken by her telling him everything is all right, her soft hand stroking his forehead, telling him he is safe and often just holding him until he stops sweating, his heart stops racing. And then he turns to her to stop them from taking hold of him again. He is rough with her, wants to bury himself in her, take everything she has to offer and then afterwards he feels shame for the way he has been and anger that she makes him feel that way. He does not allow her to stay with him instead he pushes her out, makes her go back to her own bed, frightened that if she stays so close to him he will become dependant on her, but more frightened he will hurt her badly.
Lehmann asks him how he is getting on, watches some of the training sessions, schedules in tests and keeps an eye on his most prized possession. He sometimes asks him how things are with the Constant; he rarely uses her name and the Winter Soldier has never uttered it.
Lehmann is devious. He doesn't want any cosiness to develop between the soldier and his whore so he feeds him little lies. Asks him why she was with the guards when he wasn't there, has he noticed she is wearing a particularly low blouse? Or did he know she had been after one of the doctors? Asking if he the Winter Soldier can't control his woman? And Lehmann enjoys the look of jealousy and anger he creates in his prize. Keeps him from getting complacent, gives him something to feed his anger on, makes him a more dangerous weapon.
The Winter Soldier is taken on a three day training field trip. It is his first time up top out in the open and the feel of the sun on his face warms him, breathing in fresh air makes him feel strong. Adrenalin pumps through his body, setting him on edge, making him ready to kill, gives him a sense of what is to come. As a result he takes it too seriously. So seriously they end up with six dead men.
He returns to the facility, tired but fulfilled. Lehmann is ecstatic and so are his trainers. He is ready, they can move onto the next level.
They can begin to programme him.
He is debriefed. Asked how he feels, encouraged to know he has done well, this is what they want of him. But the team leader, who himself hails from America, has drawn Lehmann to one side. He was told to watch The Winter Soldier closely and he had. There were moments when the Winter Soldier was distracted, as if he was trying to remember something. Sometimes he spoke in Russian but often as not in American with a Brooklyn accent. And on one of the nights they heard him talk in his sleep. The words were disjointed but worrying. The Winter Soldier had asked him about the woman, what the story was behind her being there. Had become angry when one of the other men had talked about her with disrespect.
It is clear that programming is needed. The clock is already ticking.
Just before he is sent back to his quarters Lehmann tells him they can start the next part of his training and he can then be considered for his first mission. “I'll let you go. I expect your Constant will be glad to see you...although I don’t think she's been too lonely whilst you have been away.”
As he walks back to his room he slows. What did Lehmann mean exactly? What has she been up to? Has he not made it clear that she is his and his alone?
He walks into the room and startles her. She clearly did not know he was back; no one keeps her updated with what is happening. The look on her face when she sees him is contrary to what Lehmann has said. She looks more than pleased to see him, reaches out to touch him. All he can think of is her touching other men. It makes him feel ill and he ignores her, fetches clean clothes and goes straight to shower. He tries to ignore the look on her face as he walks past her, she looks genuinely upset. He doesn't know how she has cried herself to sleep every night, how she hasn't been able to eat properly, how she was so frightened he wouldn't come back.
When he returns to the bedroom he is still pulling on his shirt, his hair is damp and he feels bone-tired. His metal arm has been playing up and he will need to get it recalibrated, but that can wait until tomorrow. He closes the door and she is there, he can smell her perfume. Her hair is loose and she has undone the first few buttons of her blouse, he can see her cleavage and he feels himself hardening.
She talks softly asking him if he will allow her to share his bed tonight. She looks so shy, so innocent. He tries to walk past her and she touches his arm, he can feel her cool hand on his hot skin and he wants her more than he can say but Lehmann's words are still on his mind and he pulls away from her.
Totally out of the blue she slaps him hard around the face.
“Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you touch me?” she cries, and tries to hit his chest but he is quicker and pushes her away from him. He forgets his own strength and she falls. She doesn't stay down. She scrambles back up and comes at him again, and he cannot help but find that funny. How does she think she is going to hurt him? He could kill her so easily.
“Why don’t you want me? Not man enough to be able to satisfy me?” She is getting hysterical now he can see it in the over brightness of her eyes, in the way she clenches her fists, so small against his own.
He hears her words and somehow it takes the humour away and he grabs her arms, pushing her back until the bed stops them both and then he pushes her away and she falls back onto it. He backs away; he needs to, otherwise he will take her savagely, hurting her more than ever before.
“I suppose they haven't covered that in your training have they. How to fuck properly?” She taunts him, and the room goes silent as he turns around and looks at her. Unknown to her his head has started to hurt, whenever he thinks about her the pain starts until it is so bad he thinks his mind is going to split.
His anger is explosive. He grabs her by the hair and pulls her up and smashes her into the wall, growling at her. “Don't you ever talk to me like that again, you whore!”
His face is so close to hers. He watches as her eyes widen and then his hand is around her throat not just squeezing but picking her up and slamming her again into the wall. She can't breathe, she is struggling. In his rage he is going to kill her, get her out of his life, out of his mind.
He shakes her, sees her eyelids flutter and then drops her just before it is too late. He is trembling. He crouches down and pulls her head back. “Who the fuck are you?”
She can barely talk and his grip tightens and he asks her again. “Why did they give you to me?”
He lets her go and stands up and watches as she lies there trying to find the strength to move. His anger is ebbing away and being replaced by coldness. It starts in his balls and works its way up. Kill her and be done with it.
He places his booted foot on her rib cage and presses down. She can't breathe. He moves his foot up pressing a little harder until it is on her throat. Her hands scrabble trying to move it off. There is a roaring in his ears - then it hits him, the utter loss as if she were already dead. The roaring disappears and he sees her lips have gone blue, her hands are falling away, and he takes his foot off her neck just in time.
Blood is trickling down from her lip, which is split, her eyes are bloodshot, and he can see the dark bruises already around her throat and neck where he tried to strangle her. She is a mess. She starts to sob again, her sobs hiccuping as she tries to take in large breaths and he knows he will not kill her - not tonight. He can't lose her.
He turns and walks out of the room and he ensures he doesn't return until after she has gone to sleep.
He enters the room quietly, slipping of his boots and then walking over to her bed. She is curled up and he believes she is fast asleep. He doesn't see her clenched fists under the covers, doesn't hear her prayers that he won't hurt her.
How can she affect him so deeply? Who is she? Why when he sees her like this can he not believe the things Director Lehmann tells him about her? He wants to wake her, uncover her. Take her to his own bed and slowly and gently make love to her. His whole body is crying out for hers, he wants her there in his bed, curled up with him, looking to him for protection.
Slowly he turns and walks to his bed. Without getting undressed he lays on top of it.
He doesn't sleep well that night.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant