Adult-FanFiction.org : Marvel 'Verse

PRAY FOR US SINNERS	By : KerwinLS Category: X-Men: (All Movies) > Slash - Male/Male > Logan/Kurt Views: 1794 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of this and I don’t make money from writing it, as if you didn’t know that already. I thank all those persons or entities that do own the X-Men for allowing us to play in their universe with their characters.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
INTERLUDE: IN THE BASEMENT

When I awake again, I hear the shower running so I know that Logan is already in the bathroom. That is somewhat unusual, as I am generally the first one to get up. Fortunately, it is a Saturday, so I have no classes to teach. I turn over and try unsuccessfully to go back to sleep.

The shower is turned off. Shortly after that, the bathroom door opens and footsteps approach the bed. Still exhausted, I do not feel like dealing with anyone just now. My muscles ache and I am sore in several places. I just want to be left alone, so I feign sleep, slowing my breathing and taking no notice of Logan, even though I know he is standing there looking down at me.

I may or may not have fooled him, but he turns away after a couple of minutes, and I hear the door next to the bathroom door open and close. Good. He has gone into his own room to get dressed without disturbing me, as I hoped he would. I snuggle deeper into the covers, pulling an edge of the blanket over my eyes to keep out the sunlight that is shining in our window. I go back to sleep.

By the time I wake up again, it is past noon. My body is still stiff, but my mind is now more alert and focused. Mein Gott, what a night that was! I am only glad that it is over. There are no more guilty secrets for me to hide. Logan knows it all. I am ashamed, but I am also relieved, as if a great boil on my soul has been lanced and all of the pus has been squeezed out. It hurt dreadfully, but it is done. What is left is a dull ache, nothing more.

The ghost of a smile bends the corners of my lips. I yawn, then stretch luxuriously, enjoying even the protest of sore muscles, the sting of the cuts on my shoulders. I lift the qauze bandages, just to see that I haven’t opened them again. No, they are healing nicely, but are still rather painful if I move wrong. I open and close my right hand a few times. Still stiff, but not aching much anymore.

All right, I am in good shape, considering. But where is Logan? He should have come back long ago to roust me out of bed. It is most unlike him to let me sleep so late.

When I go down to the kitchen to scrounge up a sandwich, I run into Storm also eating lunch and ask if she has seen Logan, only to find that he has taken off on his motorcycle several hours earlier. Oh well. He does that sometimes. I am sure he will tell me about it when he comes back.

A handful of the students are in the lounge watching a movie on the television. I join them for a while, but grow bored quickly. It is a silly comedy, and I find I am not in the mood for such a thing just now.

I am unaccountably restless. I consider going for a walk, but it is cold outside, with low gray clouds blowing across the sky. In early March, it is not too late for snow, but that will probably not happen for hours yet, if at all.

I end up in the reclining chair in my study, trying to read a book. Often, my concentration flags and I sit staring out the window. Where is he? Why is he not back by now? Is he out drinking somewhere? What if something has happened to him?

No sooner do I dismiss these worries as foolish than other thoughts take over my mind. Memories of Fr. Bauer, Anna, all the things that I never wanted to remember because of the pain they cause me. And I have told all of them to Logan. Maybe he has gone away for good, after learning that I am as much a monster as he thinks he is.

Then come worse memories. The things he told me last night about killing that woman. What he did to me. All the doubts I had felt, and still feel. Yet I have promised not to leave him, to love him anyway. Will I be able to truly do that, next time he goes off on one of his missions, now that I know what may be happening? Would it even be right for me to try to do so? How do I love such a sinner? God may be able to forgive such things, but I am not God. How will I do this? Do I even want to do this?

My thoughts go round and round in my head, in an endless circle that gets nowhere. Outside my window, darkness and snow begin to fall together.

I stare out the window for a moment, then close my eyes and say a brief prayer with what little remains of my wavering faith. Sweet God of my youth, in Thy Infinite Wisdom and Endless Love, forgive him, for he knows exactly what he is doing.

I hear the sound of a motorcycle coming down the road, then turning in to the mansion. No, I will not get up and run down to see if it is him. I will not even throw myself at him and ask where he has been. I will wait right here and let him come to me, if that is what he wishes to do.

It is not long until the door to my study opens. As if nothing untoward has happened, Logan glances at me.

“Hey, Elf! Let’s go rustle up some grub. I’m starved.”

“Sure. Be right vith you.”

As we walk down the hall together, he drapes one arm over my shoulders, withdrawing it quickly when I wince.

“Sorry. I forgot.”

He says nothing else all the while we are down in the kitchen, even though I try to start a conversation about what he did today. Well, that is not terribly unusual. He is often not very talkative. I will let it rest until later, when we are alone together.

Storm comes in while we are there and takes a bottle of juice out of the fridge. She looks at us strangely, as if she expects us to say something. Logan just sits there eating and looking rather sullen. I smile at her and give her a tiny wave with the tips of my fingers.

His attitude is starting to get to me. I feel a tension between us that is not usually there. I thought we had gotten past all of that and things would now be better. When I try to meet his eyes, he looks away. My stomach ties itself into a knot and I am no longer hungry. What is it now?

I am still tired from last night, and the food has only increased my sleepiness. Judging by the sunken look around Logan’s eyes, he is not much better off than I am. There is a silence between us that should not be there, a fear of each for the other. If we have any sense, we will turn in early tonight and just sleep. I am not in any mood for sex.

On the other hand, sex may be just what Logan needs to get him to open up. The conflict inside me grows as we climb the stairs and go into our room. Please, let there be no emergency missions tonight. I am just not up to it.

Logan glances at our bed, folding down the comforter. “I see ya changed the sheets and all, huh, darlin’? Good. Sure needed it. I woulda done that after I got up this morning, but you were still layin’ there.”

I tilt my head aside and shrug, then wince at the stab of pain in my shoulder. I have got to stop doing that.

“You OK?”

“Ja. I am fine.”

Our words are stiff, too formal. There is an invisible wall between us, and neither of us knows how to break it down. This is not a good thing.

Logan goes into the bathroom. I can hear the water running. He is doubtlessly brushing his teeth and washing up in preparation for going to bed. Good. That is all I have the energy to do right now. The wall dividing us will just have to wait for tomorrow. I begin shedding my clothing. Maybe if I keep my underwear on he will take the hint. I can hear him pissing now. The bathroom will soon be mine.

I head in quickly as he comes out. In a few minutes, I am back.

He is lying in bed on top of the covers, naked and posed rather lewdly with his legs spread apart. Only a small bit of the comforter is folded over so that his crotch is covered. Under ordinary circumstances, just the sight of him like this would turn me on. But these are not ordinary circumstances, so I find myself rather annoyed.

“C’mere, Elf. I got somethin’ for ya.”

Scheisse! Can he not see that I am not interested in what he has to offer tonight? Do I have to come right out and tell him I do not feel like sex just now? Can he not smell my lack of arousal, if nothing else?

Logan leans over to his side of the bed, fumbling around in the nightstand for a moment, undoubtedly to make sure he has some lube handy. Ja, I am right. He wants to screw me.

“C’mon, darlin’. You’ll like this.”

I doubt it. I am really not turned on at all, after last night’s experience. I stay right where I am, hoping he will take the hint.

“Damnit, Kurt, take off the damned underwear and get your ass over here!”

I heave a loud sigh. After all the times he’s had me already, does once more matter? Do I really want to argue about it? I sit on the edge of the bed and strip off my undershirt and briefs, then turn resignedly towards him.

Only to find myself looking directly at a large bar of Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate being held out practically in my face.

Judging by Logan’s laughter, I must look very surprised indeed.

“You thought it would be somethin’ else, didn’t ya?” he says, after he manages to control his mirth. By now, I am laughing also. All I can do is nod, and take the chocolate bar.

As I tear off the wrapper and break off a large chunk, I tell him, mock chiding, “You are sometimes a most exasperating man, mein Schatz.”

“I try, Elf. I try. Hey, ya gonna devour it all without even giving me any?”

“Here.” I break off a piece of the chocolate bar and hand it to him with my tail, the rest of it held tightly in my greedy fingers. I could eat it all myself, but fair is fair.

When all the candy is gone and every bit has been licked off of each one’s sticky fingers by the other’s tongue, he looks at me steadily for a moment.

“Aw right, darlin’, the fun is over. Now comes the hard part. I’m gonna ask you to do something you’re gonna hate even more than the way I raped you last night.”

“Nein, it vas not –“

Logan’s hand covers my mouth before I can protest further.

“Yes, it was. No matter how you may want to justify it. Now just listen, OK?”

I nod, already dreading what I am going to hear.

“I’m goin’ away for a while. I can’t tell you where, or when I’ll be back. After you fell asleep, I spent what little was left of the night thinkin’ about some of the things we said, and what I’ve been doin’ lately. I went off on my bike to think some more, away from the School and all the people in it. I’ve gotta get away from everything to really work through this and make some decisions. I guess it might be what you’d call soul-searching. I’ve lost my way, and I have to find it again.”

I can no longer keep quiet. “Let me go vith you. I can help –“

“No, Elf, ya can’t. You’ve given me all the help you can already, just by makin’ me know you ain’t perfect either. I have some idea exactly how much it cost you to do that, too. But this is somethin’ I gotta do for myself, and by myself. I need to be alone, where there’s nothin’ around but the cold and the snow, no people, only wild animals and wilderness. That’s what I do when I don’t know what to do. That’s where I go to search for my path when I’m lost. Sometimes I need to have the essential simplicity of wildness around me in order to see the reality of my life clearly.”

“But –“

“No buts. I’m sorry, darlin’. I know this will be hard on you, but I’m no good to you like this. I’m no good to anyone.”

“But the X-Men –“

“Storm is doing a find job running things here. She doesn’t need me.”

“But if I vere vith you –“

“Do I hafta spell it out for ya? Where I’m goin’ isn’t somewhere you could survive. I’m goin’ north, darlin’, way north. Where there ain’t no people, no civilization. I’m gonna live up there for a while, outside, catchin’ my own food, and howling at the moon, if I damn well feel like it. I’ve done it before, and I’ll probably do it again, when I need to. I’ll be huntin’ and killin’, and taking a delight in doing it. There’s a rage inside me that I’ve got to let out, a bloodlust that builds up that I can’t get rid of any other way. This ain’t somethin’ I want you to see, and it sure ain’t anything you’d want to see, believe me.”

I know he is right, but I do not want to admit it. I shake my head.

“I shoulda done it after I murdered that woman, instead of coming back here. I should never have laid this on you. No normal person could understand.”

“I am hardly vhat one vould call normal.”

“Compared to me, you are. I could never ask you to understand.”

“I vill try, if you vill let me. Please do not leave me here alone.”

“I’ve got to, Elf. This is for me to do. You’ll have your own work to do while I’m gone.”

“Vhat do you mean?”

“I mean this: while I’m away, I want you to take stock of your own life also. Have I lifted you up to where you want to be, or have I dragged you down into the filth that surrounds me?”

“I do not need to do that. I know I vant you to stay here.”

“No, ya only think ya do. If you love me, Kurt, let me go.”

I bow my head and let the tears slip from my eyes. He is right, and I know it. “How long?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.

“Maybe as long as six months. Probably less.”

I open my mouth to protest, then close it again. There is nothing I can say.

“I will come back to you, Elf, if only to tell you of my decision. If I live, I will return. If I’m not back by a year from now at the very latest, stop waiting for me because I’m dead.   But I’m pretty hard to kill, so I expect to be back long before then. And when I return, I want you to have made a decision also. Do you really want to stay with me, despite what you know full well that I am? Can you live with it, when you’ve heard the results of my soul-searching and know where my life will be taking me? Or does your path lead elsewhere?”

“Vhere else vould I be, other than by your side?”

“That’s what I want you to consider, darlin’. But you can’t do that while I’m here with you. I want you to look into your own heart, without regard for mine. Can you promise to do that for me?”

He has gone too far. My resolve to accept this wavers and shatters. “Nein!! I already know the answer to that! I could not leave you willingly. Do not ask this of me! Bitte, Logan, nein!! It is the one thing I cannot do!”

“Why not? What stops you? What are you afraid of?”

I shake my head, trying to deny everything he has said.

“You already told me you could live without being an X-Man, if you had to. Are you afraid that you might find you could go on without me perfectly well also?”

“If you do not already know the answer to that, I cannot tell you.”

His face and voice turn suddenly gentle, and I am even more afraid. “No, Kurt. I think it’s yourself you can’t tell. C’mere.” He pulls me into his arms, so that I’m lying on his chest. “We’re going somewhere.”

“Vhere?”

“Remember that little house you showed me, where Herr Grüber taught you to store all your pain in the basement?”

I nod warily. “How could I forget?”

“I think you’ve stored more than just physical pain down there. We’re going to see.”

“Nein!!” His arms tighten around me even as I try to pull away. His mouth touches my lips in a gentle kiss.

“Close your eyes.”

I feel the slight pressure of his lips as he kisses each of my eyelids. “Please, mein Schatz –“

His finger presses against my lips. “Shh, darlin’. It’s OK. I promise. Now picture that door, solid, strong, with an iron bolt holding it closed.”

Against my will, his words conjure up that long-familiar door in my mind.

“Now open it.”

I hear myself whimper.

“Open the door, Elf. You can do it. You’re not that scared little boy anymore.”

“I am not so sure of that.” But I slide the bolt and push on the door.

“Now go down the steps. I’ll be right behind you.”

“No!” He is rubbing my back now, as I curl up into a tight ball against him.

“Why not?”

“The steps are old and rotten. They vill collapse and trap us down there.”

“So what? You can teleport us out.”

“I do not vant to go down there.”

“It’s necessary, darlin’. You trusted Fr. Bauer once. Be brave again and trust me now.”

I start down the stairs. They do not collapse, even with his weight behind me.

“What do you see and hear and smell?”

“Skeletons of old pain, picked clean by the years. Whispers of memories. Bits of painful stuff floating around, like moldy dust. Dark shadows in the far corner, shadows into which even I cannot see.”

“Go closer to the shadows. What do you see now?”

“Anna! No, no, dear child, you cannot be here. You are dead.”

I am on the edge of screaming when she opens her eyes and reaches her hand out toward me.

“What is she doing, Kurt? Tell me. Tell me!”

“She is holding my hand, looking up at me with longing. I pick her up in my arms and hold her small body against my chest. She wants to tell me something. What is it, Anna? She says that what Herr Grüber told me is not true, she did not kill herself because I left her, although she did miss me a lot. She would have done it anyway. She says –“

“Go on. What else does she say?”

I hear the voice of a lost little girl coming from my mouth as I answer him. “It was all Herr Grüber’s fault, and his is the blame and the guilt because of how he treated me. I have waited here for all these years to tell you this. Now I am free to go.”

“Anna, no! You do not have to go.” My arms close more tightly around her, but she slips through them as if she were made of dust. Nothing but a soft whisper remains inside my head. “Auf Wiedersehen, lieber Kurt.”

A tear runs down my cheek, but I do not know if it is made of sorrow or of joy.

Again, Logan speaks to me. “Go further into the shadows.”

I do not want to, but somehow I know I must. I shuffle forward a bit, as dust swirls up in front of me from my reluctant footfalls. It coalesces into vague shapes in the darkness before me, shapes which form themselves into a series of vignettes.

Logan, lying dead, his body torn to pieces and decapitated. Logan, happy in the arms of another man. Logan, killing viciously and without compunction. Logan, never returning to me, leaving me alone, with no knowledge of his fate. Logan, torn and bleeding, being held up in the claws of a demon before the Prince of Hell, about to be punished for his many sins. Logan, smiling down at a woman with a baby at her breast.

“What do you see, Elf? Talk to me.”

“Vhat do I see?” My voice sounds dead, defeated. “You. Possible futures. Some good, some bad. All vithout me.”

“Uh-huh. Now go on. Go all the way into that corner. What’s there?”

I brush the swirl of dust aside and step forward, then stop abruptly when I see what lies on the floor in front of me.

“What is it?”

“Me,” I whisper, “as a little boy, sobbing my heart out, alone and deserted, bleeding, ravaged, heart-broken.”

“Why is he crying? What’s wrong?”

“Alles ist weg. Everything I cared about, the only one I loved, all that I believed in – gone. All gone.” I shake my head and the image changes. “No, it is no longer a little boy. It is me now, my eyes dead and blank, lying in our bed alone and naked, a gun held to my head. Vhat do I have to live for? I vill end it here, vhere I have experienced my greatest happiness.”

“Kurt, no! Don’t!”

I seem to hear something, a voice shouting at me, but I close my eyes and shake my head. My finger tightens on the trigger.

“Elf, you damn idiot! Look down! Touch your cock!”

I hesitate, but do as the voice tells me, curious about such a strange request at a time like this.

“You’ve been here before, darlin’, and you survived.”

Bemused, I feel beneath my fingers the part of the scar that means Despair. I remember once again how it felt to carve the designs. The sharp pain as the knife slices through my skin. The firm resolve that I must never commit these sins again.

But that no longer matters. The past is not important. All is lost. The future is without hope.

I shake my head. “This time, I do not vish to survive.”

“Then live because I wish you to, my own dear love.”

I feel Logan’s fingers take hold of my penis, dislodging my hand, taking the scars into his grip. He pulls and squeezes me gently, rhythmically. My cock swells, the head emerging from the foreskin, which is being drawn back further with each stroke. His tongue touches the tip of my glans and I shudder and cry out. Then his mouth covers my aching cock and he draws it inside.

In the end, I find that it takes more than just an esoteric design carved into my penis to convince me not to give in to despair. It takes the words of the man whose mouth now holds and sucks my cock so avidly to truly teach me that lesson.

The gun drops from my hand.

I open my eyes and see the reality of what I felt.   His head at my groin, moving up and down. The gathering waves of desire surging through me. He pulls me deeper into his mouth, and that is all it takes. I arch my back, and thrust upwards, emptying myself into him as my insides convulse in delightful spasms and my mind blanks out with the overload of pleasure and release that is orgasm.

He takes me in his arms and kisses me deeply. I can taste my own cum in his mouth. And I know I must face this trial and endure it, for his sake. And for my own.

This may well be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. But is it as hard as burying your claws in the body of the woman you love the way he did, because that is what must be done? No, it is not. If I must, I can do this for him.

“I vill be here vhen you come back, I promise you.”

“I’m not worth it, Kurt. I’m really not.”

“You are. I vill be here vhen you return to me.”

GERMAN TRANSLATION

Mein Gott            My God

Scheisse!             Shit!

Mein Freund                 My friend

Bitte           Please

Auf Wiedersehen, lieber Kurt.               Good-bye, dear Kurt

Alles ist weg.                Everything is gone.
- 2
- 3
- 4
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

PRAY FOR US SINNERS

GERMAN TRANSLATION

Scheisse! Shit!