Spirited Away | By : AkumaKawa Category: Marvel Verse Movies > Avengers, The Views: 3922 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
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A/N: Parts of this used to be part of chapter 1.
Thursday July 26, 2012 T minus 288 Days
The next moment that Tony could vividly recall a hallucination of the same sort as that he experienced in the workshop was about a week later.It was a random enough event at this point for Tony to continue to ignore it and not associate it with the incident in the lab. Just a shadow out of the corner of his eye and a bell tinkling. His heartbeat picked up and his breath caught but it nothing worthwhile past that.Tony's nightmares had picked up in intensity in the past week and it wasn't uncommon for those who suffered from severe PTS to have moments of auditory and visual hallucinations. With the uptick in his nightmares Tony was starting to associate the new issues with his PTS getting worse or better – things always get worse before better when in the process of healing the whole lancing the wound before it can really heal bit – since he was also having more anxiety attacks lately. Tony was of the belief that this was all a symptom of his mind trying to cope with the issue of his nightmares causing him to slip his grasp of reality by trying to address it with more than just the subconscious part of the mind which unfortunately causes his awake part of his mind to attribute it as a type of hallucination.In which case Tony just feels that he is falling deeper out of the realm rationality and sanity no matter how much he tells himself his brain is trying to deal with a trauma like a computer dealing with a trojan or a virus. He's healing he just doesn't feel that way.The worst part is that he can't tell if he's just lying to himself. That in reality things are getting worse and he can't tell that anymore because like a frog in a pot of hot water he keeps adapting to the raising temperature of what he terms acceptable. It will only be when he looks at things from another's point of view that he find the truth and the way that Pepper looks at Tony sometimes makes him think he's far closer to the edge of insanity than he thought he was.If all of that wasn't bad enough as it was to force Tony to question his truth as reality then the invasions he feels in quiet moments are. Sometimes like that lady in that book The Yellow Wallpaper Tony feels as if there is something pushing him towards his break with reality.There are moments in the day or night when Tony is still and at peace that he feels as if there is knock upon his mind and his thoughts are filled with the memories of the Battle as if they are seeping through cracks in his mind.It's not like there is one moment he would working on something in his shop or watching tv and then the next he suddenly flashes back to the Battle and then to The Void and his nightmares, but it was more than that. He would swear that he could hear the sounds of battle in his ears as Cap and the rest report via their coms about their battle situation. Tony would feel the burn of bruises and cuts upon his body and the ache of moving with them. Then there was the empty silence of space.The last of it was the worse.
Because Tony would swear in those moments of only being able to hear his breaths like he was back in the Iron Man suit in the moments after JARVIS' voice died out and only able to feel the emptiness of space that he would sense another presence in there with him.All of it would send him straight into another anxiety attack but the last of it always caused the worst attacks. It wasn't just that he couldn't breathe but that he felt trapped, under attack psychically like something was able to see him. It felt like he was trapped in an unending nightmare and he would question if he really awake, still asleep, or even if he was still in the battle.It took so long to come back from those attacks. JARVIS would speak to him as if he was a man standing on the ledge and trying to talk him out of jumping. Tony would flee for the liquor the moment he could stand up and walk without collapsing from his inability to stop shaking.In those moments, Tony questioned about talking to Pepper about having him see someone. They always shook him up so badly that he wondered if that would be enough, if maybe he needed to be committed.It wasn't fair. Why was Tony reacting so badly to the Battle? Not even victims who were injured or witnesses of the Chitauri attacks were having as badly a time recuperating as Tony. And it was getting worse.However, Tony would chicken out of mentioning his fears, his nightmares, his loss of sanity to anyone. Too afraid to confront the idea that he really was losing it. Tony would instead choose to weather out the storm himself. He would find himself on the ground slowly rocking his body to and fro as he hugged his legs; his eyes would be closed, his head laying upon his knees, sweat dripping from his body as he shook like he was freezing and he gasped desperately for a solid breath.Tony had used JARVIS when the nightmares first started a few weeks shortly after the Battle to scour medical and psychological resources. It was shocking for him to realize that everything he was experiencing was well within the realms of a normal case of severe PTS symptoms.When the worst attacks would hit, Tony would force himself to verbally recite the symptoms and their causes to himself as a meditative technique to calm himself down. Tony never acknowledged how much he needed this mantra; that it helped his brain to focus and pull his mind away from the attack and it cemented in Tony the belief that this was normal.The fact that it was considered within the realms of normality helped Tony cope. But it was also why he continued to ignore the hallucinations, how closely they tied-in to his nightmares, and most importantly to the stories his mother told him about their family and its legacy.
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