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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
Chapter Nineteen
The Nurse & James Barnes - The Final Wall Crumbles

Later, back in his room, his eyes don’t leave you. Reminding you of your promise. Your mind is in turmoil. You don’t want to think about it but you must.
How do you kill someone whose body repairs itself at the rate his does? Poison? Slit throat? Awful images fill your mind, and you feel faint. Stefan thinks it is because you haven’t eaten today and is kind to you, fussing when all you want is to be left alone. He can see you are not yourself, and when he sees James watching you and the ghastly pallor of your face, he begins to suspect something. He asks you what James said but you just shake your head.
“Nothing,” you say, your mind churning.
James is so tired that he falls asleep. You sit at your desk with your head on your arms. How can you do it? Will Stefan help? No, you cannot ask that of him. If he is caught it will be a death sentence for him. You know whatever you do is a death sentence for you too, but without James you don’t want to live.
You wish, and not for the first time, that Doctor Bethune was here. You know he would help; he would know what to do. Awful thoughts and images keep going through your mind as you sit there. It has to be something that will destroy his body completely - or at least his brain - something that even Zola's serum cannot bring him back from. Could you get hold of a gun? Most of the soldiers and guards only carry the batons, which are of no use. You suspect your security authorisations do not allow you any where near the Armoury, even if you knew where it was located.
Before you know it you have fallen asleep, and someone is shaking you awake. It is Doctor Lehmann. You stand up, flustered, knocking the chair over.
“And how is our patient?” he asks. It is a rhetorical question. You don’t reply, you are past playing games now. He has come to tell you that your patient and your presence is required in the morning for an operation. You look at him for a moment and then duck your head.
“What time?” you ask quietly.
“Oh, I think an early start. Say 8.30am, in Room 2, I think.”
“Room 2? But...but that isn't an operating room. It's the autopsy room,” you stutter.
“That is the room we will use, nurse.”
“But it's not clean, it's...”
“It will do,” he says.
As he goes to leave you can't help but step forward and catch his arm. “What... what are you going to do to him?” you ask, your eyes full of dread.
He looks at your hand and you take it away.
“I have told you all you need to know. Just be on time. And of course, no food for the rest of the day – we don't want him being sick tomorrow, do we?”
“But without more details how will I need to know what is needed for Ja...for the patient?”
He informs you that another nurse will be attending, and that she will know what is needed. “My dear girl, you will be there just as a back-up and to clean up...any mess.”
“Please...what are you going to do to him?” Your voice is a whisper.
Lehmann smiles.
“Just a small...operation. We are bringing in someone to do do it. You do not need to know any more than that.” But he does add that the man who will be doing the work is arriving tonight. “ A specialist in his field.”
Lehmann smiles again. He can see the fear in her eyes, but also he can see that if she could she would strike out at him until his face is a mass of blood and gore. He doesn't really want her presence at the operation but he knows that the patient will be more pliable if she is in the room.
Pliable until the new drug takes over. He is not stupid enough to tell her this.
Now you are even more than frightened. Whatever it is they are planning is going to happen so soon.
After Lehmann leaves you check on James; he is still asleep but you can see it is not a pleasant dream. He has barely moved but his body twitches, his face grey and pale.
You sit down next to the bed thinking again of your promise, but within a few minutes a guard enters and takes up his post within the room itself. You ask why, and he tells you it is Doctor Lehmann's orders. You realise with a sinking feeling that Doctor Lehmann is not a fool, he doesn't trust you.
An idea has come to mind, but you do not honestly know if it will work; you do not know enough about the serum. The thoughts are still going around and around in your mind, driving you mad. If you cause James to bleed, the serum will repair the damage. Suffocation...they will just get him breathing again - and there is no way the guard in the room will allow you to place a pillow over the patient's face. If you poison him it will mean terrible pain, and how much do you use to stop the serum from repairing the damage it does?
You know of a doctor who put a patient out of their misery; it was a soldier who had lost most of his guts on the battlefield, but his body would not die. It was simple: a large air bubble in the blood stream. Would that work? It would have to be a large enough air bubble, injected into the right place, to cause an embolism. You wrack your brain, trying to think what it was the doctor did. There would no guarantee though as it isn't a proven method for killing someone. If the air bubble isn't big enough it will just be carried along until it is extinguished by the blood. You just do not know enough about it.
You have until tomorrow morning to fulfil your promise. You feel sick, you feel so alone, what can you do? How can you do it? What will work? You just cannot think straight.
Two guards are posted outside his room in tandem with the one inside, and people are in and out of the room for the rest of the day. Other doctors visit to take readings. Two people you have never seen before are shown James like he is a scientific experiment.
The guard inside the room watches you like a hawk. You try to remain calm and go about your duty as if it is just another day, but inside you are trembling.
James has woken up and is quiet, focused on you. You can't meet his eyes, because you think he is waiting for you to fulfil your promise. But you can't ignore him, and under the pretence of giving him a drink you sit on the edge of the bed. His hand shakes as you help him take the water. There are big black bags under his eyes and as you go to stand up he takes your hand and you don't move.
The door is open. The guards can hear you talking. You just have to trust that none of them understand English.
“They don't trust us much do they?” he says, trying to inject humour into the situation.
You try to smile but instead your eyes fill with tears and he squeezes your hand.
“Hey, don't,” he says quietly. You can see even this tires him out. “Listen what we talked about earlier...” his voice wavers “...forget it, will you. I was upset, talking out of my head you know.” You shake your head, your eyes wide. “You think they are going to let us get away with anything?” he nods to the guards “...it's too late. Don't do anything stupid, okay?”
You don't reply.
As he says the last sentence to her he remembers the last time he said those words, to someone else. To Steve.
“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.”
“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” And he feels such an emptiness open up within him.
He looks at her hand in his and strokes his thumb across the back of it. He looks back at her. This time there are tears in his eyes.
“I...I can't do this alone. I need you there. If you try to kill me they will kill you and...” He cannot complete this sentence. “Please don't leave me alone. You promised.” He is trying so hard to be brave. He adds this last bit knowing that he has to stop her somehow. He remembers Lehmann's warning. If she kills him then she will die. He was stupid, selfish to ask her to risk so much, and now it is important to him that she understand.
That he has released her from her promise of death.
When he awoke and saw the extra guard, and how focused on her he was, and how he watched everything she did James realised the danger she was in. How could he have asked her to do something so dangerous? How could he have put her at risk? She means so much to him. The thought of her dying chokes him until he can hardly breathe.
You look at the floor, then at James. His eyes are so blue, so full of trust for you.
“I should have done more. I should have done something when you first asked me to, when...” you pick at one of the blankets, a loose thread, and you focus on that. He doesn’t speak and you look back up at him. “I've wasted so much time when I could have helped you.”
Those beautiful eyes, so tired, so ready to die. “You have helped me Freya. You're not a killer...” his voice is dry and he starts to cough. You help him drink again.
You try to smile - but he sees the tears in your eyes.
“I'm sorry I've done this to you,” he says. “I came into your life and ruined it.”
“No, no...you mustn't think that...I...” You stroke his cheek. You can't continue, but he knows what you were going to say.
You are both quiet for a moment.
Before you can say any more you hear footsteps out in the corridor and Doctor Lehmann enters. His eyes are on James and you could almost swear he looks hungry. Whatever he has arranged he knows it will work. It will take Lehmann to the top of Hydra.
“Ah, Sergeant Barnes, you look so much better.”
Neither of you say a word. You stand up as the doctor approaches James and you see he has a hypodermic needle in his hand. He goes to the right side of the bed. “Just something I want to try, it will help you sleep better.”
He takes hold of James' arm and before you can move he jabs the needle in. You see your patient wince. The liquid drains out of the syringe into James.
Lehmann looks at you.
“You look as if you need to sleep as well nurse. After all, it is a big day tomorrow,” he says.
He is right, you should be off duty by now. You look back at James and he is struggling to keep his eyes open.
“I will, a bit later...” you stutter.
“No I insist. Off you go! I'm sure one of the guards will call you if there is a problem, but I don't think Sergeant Barnes will wake again for the next twelve hours,” he says. When you look back at James you can see he will be asleep in no time.
You have no option but to leave.
*
You don't sleep.
How can you?
It is 2am and you have returned to James' room, telling the guards you need to check on your patient. You tell the one inside you just need to administer another injection from Doctor Lehmann. He is not to know any different; Lehmann should have told them not to let you do anything more.
You sit and watch James as he sleeps. He does not know you are there as he is so heavily sedated. You don’t know what the drug was that Lehmann used but you know it is one of those they haven't used before.
Although the drug has knocked him out he twitches and groans as he sleeps. It is not deep enough to close his mind off and the nightmares are thick and fast. The drug is new, specially designed so that in the morning the patient will feel as if he has not slept at all: fear will be allowed to eat at him, and that will help lower and keep his defences down.
Your mind is whirling. In your pocket is an empty hypodermic syringe. You keep replaying the footage from the newsreel in your mind. James had looked so happy, so full of life...and now he is a different man and you have promised to help him out of this nightmare. He had told you not to, but you know that is because he is worried for you; you could see it in his eyes. You are so tired now that you can't think straight, you can't think beyond the next few minutes.
The guards are talking outside. They believe you are just checking up on your patient. If they were to look in they would see nothing untoward. The guard inside is the same.
You move to the right hand side and move his arm out of the bed. James is so drugged and he mutters something and you move his hair back from his brow and bend down and kiss him on the forehead.
You are crying now.
Your hands are shaking and you search for a blood vessel that you can inject the needle into, but there is a noise outside and somebody else enters the room before you can find one.
You step back unsteadily, dropping the syringe on the floor.
It is Stefan, and his eyes are trained on you. The guilt and pain that shows on your face makes him realise he was right about what he thinks you are doing in the room. “I thought I would check up on how things are going,” he says, loudly, for the guards to hear. Then he steps over to stand next to you, his back to the guard. “Freya, you can't do this,” he says quietly.
“I don’t know what you mean...” you try to bluff, but you can't hold his gaze.
“Let me see your hands.” He holds his out and you show him yours. They are empty.
He looks you up and down, then leans forward and reaches into your pockets. Checking to see what is in there. He knows you too well, and he knows he is right. He checks over James' bed. Nothing. Then he looks under it and sees the syringe on the floor. It is cracked and when he picks it up you grab it.
“No!...its broken! Oh God no...” you cry. Your nerves are frayed. You are not strong enough to do this, and your mind is close to closing down. Stefan looks to the guard and smiles as if to say everything is okay. The other guards are still talking outside. Everything is calm.
Stefan holds you by both arms and shakes you gently making you look at him.“Freya, listen to me. Nothing will work. You know this, you...know...this! Whatever is in Zola's formula will stop you in your tracks. You can't kill him unless you do something like cut his head off! And somehow I can't see you doing that...” his words are humorous but neither of you are laughing. He reiterates. “You cannot kill him.”
“But I promised.”
Stefan needs you to see sense. “If you try, you will be found and killed...”
“I don’t care...” you start.
“I know, but he will. James will, don't you see? You will be leaving him alone. Leaving him to face God alone knows what.” He can see you are not thinking, and he knows that leaving James alone is your biggest fear. He has to make you understand. “They will kill you. He will be left on his own to face whatever it is Lehmann is going to do to him tomorrow. Do you want that to happen? Do you want him to be alone? Are you that selfish? Think! They will be able to counteract anything you are capable of doing; even if you are successful and kill him, they will bring him back. They will still go ahead with their plans and James will no longer have you by his side...you will be dead, he will be alone, totally alone...do you understand?”
Your mind is trying to take in the words. He can see you are dead on your feet and he takes you over to the seat at the desk and sits you down. The guard queries what is wrong and Stefan smiles at him. “You know how women are! They get so hysterical over the smallest of things,” he says cryptically and shrugs.
The guard is young and doesn't want to appear ignorant, doesn't want to appear not to be a man of the world. “Ah,” he says and winks, not really understanding at all.
Stefan talks to you for the next few minutes, quietly, making you see sense. “You told me you promised him you would never leave him,” he says.
“I know.” You are weeping.
“You have to be strong and be with him, you are the only thing he has now. Go and sleep, I'll stay with him, I promise.”
“But...”
“He won't wake until later, and you need to rest otherwise you will be no good to him.”
“I don’t know what they are going to do. What have they got planned? Stefan, I'm so frightened. They are so...evil. Why is this happening?”
Stefan's face looks old before its time. “I don’t know but he is going to need you.” He leans forward and kisses your forehead.
“Now, go, sleep.”
What has frightened Stefan most about this is Doctor Jakobs. He came to see Stefan earlier; whilst he couldn't talk about what was going to happen, he told Stefan that he will need to be here for her. He didn't mention James, just Freya. Whatever was happening it would be so horrifying it would affect her deeply, and she will need a friend.
You go back to your room and, without even changing, you curl up on your bed. You are too tired to cry. You don’t think you are going to sleep, but within a few minutes your body and mind shut down.
It knows you are at the end.
*
You return to your patient's room early. Stefan nods and then leaves so that he can change. He will then return to help you. You both look like hell. Your back is sensitive from yesterday when you collided with the wall, so you swallow two phenacetin and put some in your pocket for later. You know you will need them.
James is groggy but waking up. He has difficulty with coordination, and the black bags under his eyes have deepened as if he hasn't slept at all.
He needs your help to sit up. You try to tell him not to worry but your voice dries up. You cannot lie to him. He senses something, and you see the fear in his eyes deepen. You take his hand in both of yours. You don’t know what to say and he realises this and he tries to smile as if he is trying to reassure you.
You don’t know if you can cope any more.
“I'm so sorry,” you whisper.
“Freya, there is nothing you can do. Just don't leave me alone with them,” he says quietly.
You sit on the edge of the bed and weep and he tries to stroke your hair. There is no more need for the words he cannot speak.
Stefan joins you. He has been told to just dress the patient in just shorts: no other clothing will be needed.
You both help him change, and you can feel the trembling in his body as you dress him. He can barely stand and Stefan is to help you take him down to the Room 2. He sees the terrible white pallor of your face and then you hear the footsteps of the guards coming to fetch you to escort you there. There are four of them. They are taking no chances.
James holds his hand out and you give him yours. He is trying to speak to you and you lean forward.
“Its not your fault,” he says. He is trying to tell her that anything that happens is not her fault, he doesn't blame her in any way. It is so important to him that she understand. He can see by the look on her face that she doesn't believe him. She will always believe it is her fault, that she should have done something more. He doesn't know how else to impress this on her. It is so important to him that she believes him.
The guards hold back for a moment, sensing the situation.
“Its not your fault,” he repeats, and using the last of his strength he brings her hand up to his lips and kisses it. She can't say anything, she has no voice and instead she puts her arms around him and buries her face in his chest.
He holds her as best as he can. He kisses the top of her head. “Just don’t leave me,” he murmurs and she promises she won't. This is a promise she will keep.
You help him sit in the wheelchair and then you and Stefan take him to Room 2.
In the middle of the room is an autopsy table, and someone has laid something like a thick sheet of wood on the top covered with a white cloth. Leather straps have been added to the side. Added to the top left hand side is a large piece of steel with a gulley running down the middle, containing holes for drainage.
A trolley has been set up and stabilised next to the table. It contains medical instruments of some type.
The room is dingy. Old blood stains the walls and floor; a drain in the middle of the space captures any residue. The only light comes from a single ancient light fitting, making the rest of the room seem dirty and murky. A guard brings in a second floor light. Its luminosity makes you see shadows, makes you blink with its brightness.
You and Stefan are told to place the patient on the table and strap him down, but there is no strap for what remains of his left arm. However, his left arm does fit on the large piece of steel; it becomes apparent that this is the reason the extra bit of table has been added. Easier for someone to get at the arm and operate on it.
You pull the wheelchair up next to the table and, between you, you help him get up on the table. James can barely move and he is trying so hard not to tremble. His eyes are wide and his breathing heavy. He does everything you tell him to and his eyes don’t leave yours.
Three guards stay inside the room, and another two are posted outside. An additional light goes on in the corner of the room. Someone seems to be running a camera. Your attention is pulled away and you think no more of it.
Another, older nurse is preparing trays. You have never seen her before. She indicates nursing greens for you to put on and Stefan helps you. There are no masks.
Your heart is thumping. You have no idea of what they are going to do but when you turn and see the trolley laid out with flesh strippers and a bone saw you feel you might be sick. For a moment you feel you are going to faint and Stefan places his hand in the small of your back.
“Breathe,” he whispers. He knows she needs to be here, he knows that whatever happens in this room will be with her for the rest of her life. He is not allowed to stay but he too has seen the instruments, seen any colour drain out of her face.
He will look for her later and try to stop her from losing her mind.
You nod and stand up straight. You watch as he leaves the room then turn back to James. You place your hand over his. If you could trade places you would.
You look down at him, he tightens his grip on your hand.
“Don't leave me,” he tries to say.
“I won't.” Her eyes don't leave his. He can feel her trembling, he can see how wide her eyes are and he swallows. It is all he can do not to beg her to get him out of here, not to beg for anyone to get him out of here. He has never been so utterly frightened in his life and he has known fear so many times in the last few years.
You are so focused on James that when the door opens it makes you jump.
Doctor Lehmann comes in with another man.
This man is older but still well built with muscular arms. There is a lot of strength there, but the look in his eyes is of a man being hunted. He is grey and you can see he does not want to be here. He is dressed in trousers and shirt with a simple operating green apron over them, the sleeves rolled up. He has a heavy plastic apron over it. The type doctors wear in the field to try and keep their clothes protected when working in battlefield conditions.
Lehmann is dressed in normal operating greens.
The other nurse comes over with a tray of smaller instruments laid out with but you can see no recognisable anaesthetic. The new doctor is being shown the tools laid out, and Lehmann is talking quietly to him. You cannot hear what is being said. The new doctor is nodding but he looks sick.
You find your voice and address the nurse. “What will we be using for anaesthetic?” you ask.
She looks at you and straight away you know she doesn't like you, that she has been warned about you and your bleeding heart. She indicates a syringe lying on the table.
“But that's not...” you have never seen an anaesthetic that can be given as a simple injection.
“That is what we are using. Administer it. We're nearly ready,” she says and smiles. It is a cold smile. You realise you have played into their hands. They want you to be the one to inject him with it; you will be the one he sees helping them.
You pick up the syringe. It contains a yellow liquid you have never seen before. Your hand trembles and you swab his arm. He is looking at you the entire time, eyes wide. You can't do it, you can't inject it.
Swallowing you put it back down on the tray and you hear the other nurse tut.
“I'm sorry,” you say to him, and the other nurse pushes you out of the way and plunges the needle straight into his arm. He flinches and his body tenses and tries to rear at the sudden pain, but the straps hold.
Suddenly you can't look at him. You don’t want him to see the fear in your eyes. No, you are being a coward - you do not want to see the fear in his eyes.
The nurse sneers at you, and you are told you can either leave or stay and act like a nurse. You swallow, nod. You won't leave him. Doctor Lehmann goes over to one of the guards and speaks quietly to him, pointing you out. The guard nods and comes closer to you, rifle held securely in his hands. It is obliviously a threat.
They are ready to operate.
Doctor Lehmann approaches the table whilst the other man hovers at his shoulder. Lehmann doesn't even bother with any pleasantries. He can see in the patient's eyes that he knows this is the end.
“Well, Sergeant Barnes, you have given us a run for our money! But it is time for you to realise you are meant for greater things.”
It is such a long time since James has heard his rank and surname spoken and now in two days he has heard it several times. He watches as Lehmann picks up a scalpel.
All you can think is that they can't operate. The patient is still conscious. The anaesthetic isn't working.
You turn to the nurse. “He still awake, the anaesthetic hasn't worked.”
But she just gives you one of her smiles. “That wasn't an anaesthetic.”
You are told to stand at the head of the table. The other nurse is to help the new doctor by passing the various tools to him. You are horrified. They are going to operate whilst he is awake.
You can see the utter panic in James' face and you try to put a hand on his shoulder, but Doctor Lehmann stops you and indicates you are to step back. You don’t move, just shake your head. He then turns to the guard by you and nods. The guard raises his rifle, steps forward and uses the barrel to move you back a few steps.
He has been told that if you try to interfere in any way with the operation he is to kill you.
“Do you want Sergeant Barnes to see you shot?” Lehmann asks and James tries to look in your direction. He is trying to say no.
“Please don’t...you can't do this! It's inhuman, you can't...” you say, and the rifle barrel is raised until you are firmly in his line of fire. You want to leave the room, or for them to shoot you. You want to be as far away from here as possible.
You hear James trying to say something. He is looking at you, begging you with his eyes not to leave him. That is what they want but you will not.
You are here to bear witness. And one day, if you ever get the chance, you will hurt everyone in this room for what they are doing to him.
You reluctantly stumble back.
Doctor Lehmann looks back at James. He is holding a scalpel. He studies and feels the skin on James shoulder. He then draws the scalpel down James left shoulder and around to under the armpit cutting him and blood oozes out.
James feels every inch of the cut and his eyes widen. He tries to speak, but he can't.
The doctor leans over and starts to talk again. He just wanted to check that Barnes could feel the cut of the knife.
In near perfect English he speaks to James. “Sergeant Barnes, I know you can hear me and I know you can feel everything we are about to do to you, but it is important for us to do this. What is left of this arm is of no use to you or us. Even though what is left behind is healthy and has healed...we will remove it and anything thing else we feel we need to. ” As he speaks to Barnes he runs his finger down James left arm from the top to the stub at the end. Then Lehmann leans in really close and whispers something only James can hear. “Did you think it was just a nightmare, Sergeant Barnes? I am going to cut you up bit by bit, limb by limb. You can never escape us.”
You cannot hear what is being said but you can see James Barnes desperately trying to answer Lehmann. His whole body is trying to move, but you can see he has no control over it. He tries to shake his head no.
“Doctor Lehmann, please don’t do this,” you plead.
The doctor turns a cold look on you. “Do you want to leave the room nurse?” The guards takes a step forward. Lehmann continues. “It is your choice, you can leave him with us and walk away.”
You don’t say anything for a moment, then quietly you look away. He turns back to the patient. You can see James is still trying so hard to move, sweat has broken out on his brow and Lehmann indicates you are to wipe it away. You come forward, picking up a cloth, and wipe his forehead. You touch his right shoulder so he knows you are there.
James looks at you with a pleading in his eyes. Don't leave me. This time you do not break eye contact with him and you tighten your grip to let him know you won't. By this time you realise he cannot move his body at all, cannot even move his head, cannot talk...but his senses are heightened. The drug has immobilised him but set his nerve endings on fire.
Doctor Lehmann gently moves James' head so he is looking to his left. He wants him to see everything and he knows James will be unable to look away, will not be able to even close his eyes to shut out the horror. They need to break his mind and they are so very close.
Doctor Lehmann steps away and nods at the other man, who walks around to the left side of the table. He is ashen but you see him grit his teeth.
“I will leave him in your capable hands.” Lehmann says, then moves away to somewhere he can watch but not get splattered by the blood and gore he knows is to follow.
The new doctor takes up a small instrument and starts to unpick the skin at the end of the stump of James' left arm. It's sharp point sinks in to the tissue and it soon begins to bleed, then the skin begins to split. James is trying to say something, and it is the most heart-wrenching sound. His whole body tenses, his eyes still so wide, so pleading, but you cannot look away.
You need to witness this.
You need to see it to let the hate build up inside of you.
A gurgled no! comes from him followed by another word which at first you do not realise is the word don't! You move so you can hold his right hand. You don’t care. They will not throw you out. You know now they need you. The doctor operating hesitates and instead you turn your gaze on him and he looks at you and you see the decision in his eyes to ignore you. He returns to his work.
This doctor is heavy handed, some are, and you wish a better doctor could have been found. He is supposed to be an expert in his field. He doesn’t even seem to know what he is doing. You have seen operations before in the field hospitals where you worked. Men coming in with limbs missing and the doctors fighting to save what is left; but this is different, this time there is no life-threatening wound and they are not trying to save it. The patients are not kept awake so they can feel everything happening to them but are unable to move their body or scream their anguish.
This is torture under the guise of medicine.
James' eyes are focused on his left side. He can feel every dig of the tool, every time something is cut and torn away. The pain is bad and he cannot even scream; he is locked inside himself. He tries to move but his body is not under his control. But, what is worse, is the thought of what they were doing to him, they were taking another piece of him away. There was nothing wrong with the arm, they could leave it, there is no reason for him to go through this.
In his mind he begs them not to do this over and over again.
Please don’t take it, don’t do this to me.
And then there is what Lehmann said to him. How does he know about the nightmare? Is he going to take away his other arm, his legs? The thought of that is too horrific for James' mind to cope with.
The doctor has unpicked the whole end, and now moves to the top of the arm. He will not look at the patient. He draws a circle around the whole arm using the scalpel and slowly starts to peels away the skin. Then, taking hold of the slippery skin, he tugs and draws it right down to the end of the stump and pulls it away. It is like a long sleeve when it comes off and the noise of it being torn away from the flesh underneath is sickening.
He drops it on the floor. Immediately blood wells up on what is left of the arm, and you can see the muscle and tissue drowning in it. You gulp, bile rises in your throat. You try to move forward so you can turn James head away so he can't see, but the guard actually comes up and prods you away with his rifle. They want him to see. They want him to watch as they dismember him.
“Nurse,” Lehmann's voice is amused.
The doctor goes back to the incision Lehmann has made on the shoulder. He catches the flap of skin and draws it down and away, laying open that part of the shoulder. Lehmann had drawn the mark so the man would know where to skin the patient up to. He drops that flesh, too. James had tightened his grip on your hand and now his fingers are close to breaking yours. You can see in his terrified, pain-filled eyes what he is seeing and feeling.
Then the doctor reaches for the flesh stripper, and attaches it to the high part of the arm, just under the edge where the first lot of skin has been taken off. You know James can feel the bite of the metal. For a moment you feel like you are going to faint again but instead you clench your teeth and hold his hand tighter with both of yours. He doesn’t even know you are holding it. His horrified eyes cannot leave the strippers and what is happening to him. His mind is screaming. He has wet himself in fear and pain.
The doctor secures the stripper and the metal teeth dig deep into the flesh and sinew. Taking a deep breath he leans on James' shoulder with one hand and with the other pulls downwards to the end of the stump and away comes the flesh, muscle and sinew of James arm in strips.
The pain is excruciating. The drug they have given him refuses to allow him to fall unconscious. He is to witness every part of his arm being torn away from the bone and he feels it all. The man turns the stripper, clamps down again and repeats the process on the delicate flesh of the under arm, literally dragging it off the bone. New blood stains and gore are added to the walls, floor and history of this room.
It is at this moment James Barnes finally loses his fight for his mind. No one could survive this. No one.
His mind fractures, breaks apart.
What was his arm is by now a bloody stump of bone and he can see the raw bone and marrow running through it. Smaller strips of flesh are hanging from just under the shoulder. Blood and gore splatter the trolley and sheets and drips to the floor. The doctors apron is covered with it. He is sweating heavily and as his sweat drips onto the bone, the saltiness of it causes even more pain.
The other nurse has actually turned and fled to the corner where she is throwing up.
James' hand was holding yours so tightly you have lost the feeling in it but, now the grip loosens and you see his eyes darken. You let go of his hand and quickly move to the other side. You are on automatic pilot. You need to stop him from bleeding to death. You will wish later that you had not been so quick. You wrap a binding around the top of the arm by the shoulder where there is still flesh.
The doctor now reaches for the bone saw and you realise he hasn't finished. Surely if the job was to remove the arm it could have all been done at the same time, flesh and bone sawn off. You cannot believe what they are doing. It's as if he is getting meat ready for the market.
He looks at you, and then at the patient's arm...or what is left of it.
“Hold the bone,” he says and you have no choice. You need to get this over and done with as quickly as possible. You know the moment James feels your hands touching the raw bone, your hands slip in the blood and you need to focus. His breathing is ragged, barely audible, but you know he will not be lucky enough to die.
“Higher!” the doctor orders. He impatiently takes your hand and moves it nearer to the shoulder.
You nearly lose control when the noise starts and you smell the burning bone. The noise as the blade starts its work is unbearable, and suddenly the tenseness you felt in the body of the man on the table, disappears.
You swallow.
His mind has gone, and you know you have lost him.
Sergeant James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes of the 107th, one of the Howling Commandos, born in Brooklyn New York, best friend of Steven Rogers, has finally cracked, he has lost this battle for his mind, his identity.
His body cannot die, but his spirit can, and he lets go.
You watch as the light in his eyes goes out.
James Barnes is dead.
“No,” you whisper. You have begun to cry and sobs wrack your body as you hold the bone down. Bone dust and blood splatters your face and you cannot breathe but the doctor carries on, his own face grim.
He is no longer working on a patient. He is working on a living body waiting for a new identity to be born.
The bone comes away with an horrendous crack. He hasn't even been able to do a clean job on this part; the end of the bone is uneven, splintered, and the doctor backs off, putting the saw down.
The dust begins to settle. The job is finished, for now. Lehmann knows they cannot do any more until they begin to measure up for the new arm.
The man looks at the work he has done. As they requested he has left five inches of fresh uncovered bone for them. He does not know why but Lehmann does. It is bone that they can use to fuse the new arm onto. It should be enough.
The doctor stands there as though in shock, whilst you race to stop the bleeding. “For Gods' sake Doctor, don't just stand there, help me,” you say trying to pull him forward.
Instead he backs away, gulping, and you stare at him - confused. Then you hear the words he is saying to you. “I'm not a doctor…I'm not a doctor...”
You turn and look at the amused face of Doctor Lehmann and he looks victorious.
“I never said he was a doctor,” he says to you coming forward and looking into the empty, black holes of the patient's eyes.
There is nothing there, no fear, no pain, nothing.
He calmly starts to pick up the tools he needs to finish the job.
You look back at the other man who is ashen. He looks at you as if begging you to understand. “I'm a butcher, I work in the slaughterhouse.” The shock on your face makes him babble. “They have my family, they said they would kill them if I didn't do what I was told...”
“Nurse, are you going to help clear up this mess?” Doctor Lehmann calmly asks you and you turn back to focus on James. No - not James. Just his body. He is breathing. The eyes are half closed but no-one is there. James Barnes has gone.
You look to see where the other nurse is but the room is empty of her presence, she has fled. You turn to one of the guards instead. “Get Stefan,” you say, he looks at Doctor Lehmann who is watching you and you stare back. He turns and nods to the guard, he allows you this call, he knows it is a good one.
He then turns to the other guard and mimes for him to remove the butcher. You hear him as he leaves the room “...they have my family, what was I supposed to do....”
Less than a minute later you hear the shot that puts him out of his misery.
The operation should have been done on an unconscious patient but they wanted James to feel every cut, every part of the operation, to see the flesh literally scraped from the bone and their hope was that his mind would break.
It did.
You now realise what Lehmann meant by killing two birds with one stone, and why Zola didn't want to be here when it was done.
Lehmann is pleased. The operation was successful on both counts and with an added bonus. When he looked into the eyes of Freya Bowman after the operation he realised he hadn't just broken Sergeant Barnes, he had broken her as well.
A good days work all around.
*
Stefan is with you for the rest of the long day. Your mind goes from being blank to the loss of James, the loss of everything that means anything to you. You keep weeping without even knowing you are, silent tears running down your cheeks.
You are in the room they have put James – no, not James...the patient in. It has been set up as a medical room and is clean and well equipped. Why didn't you see them preparing it? You will learn later it was set up whilst you were in the operating room with James so as not to give you or the patient any indication that he would be coming out so damaged.
The patient is in a chemically induced coma, hooked up to machines to read his brain patterns, to read his vital signs. Lehmann left a while ago and you have been sitting by the patient's side. His skin is so pale, so translucent, you can see a pulse beating in his neck.
The body is alive but the mind is empty.
They are not sure how he will be when he finally wakes; that will be a controlled awakening. They will give the serum time to repair some of the damage on the shoulder. They have plans for the arm.
The arm. You don't want to look at what they did.
His shoulder is swaddled in bandages; slight spatters of blood show through. Protruding from the swaddling is the bone, naked, still bruised, bloodied, with a cage over it to prevent it from catching on the bed clothes should he wake on his own; that should be an impossibility but you never know. Bone isn't supposed to be left naked, to be left with nothing to shelter it but it has been.
Kristo comes into the room. He has come to take over the night shift from you and Stefan. Both of you are exhausted, hollow. It takes a while for Stefan to persuade you to leave the room but you know nothing will happen tonight. The patient is out too deeply but even so you make Kristo promise that if anything happens he will call you.
Stefan won't leave your side. He knows you are in shock. He knows you need him and he needs you, the horror that met his eyes when he returned to Room 2 will never leave him.
Both of you still have James' blood on your bodies and clothes. He has asked Kristo to place clean clothes in the shower room and that is where he takes you now. You don't care, you will walk wherever anyone says you are to walk.
He puts a chair under the door and then strips both of you down completely naked. He stands under the shower with you and makes you wash, bullies you to shampoo your hair. The water runs red, then pink for a long time. When he is sure you are both clean he leads you out, towels you dry and makes you get dressed.
He doesn't even think of going back to the room he shares with Kristo. Instead he leads you to your room.
He puts on a small lamp and then gets you into the single bed, then climbs in besides you. He takes you in his arms, kisses your forehead, places your head on his shoulder and he holds you.
The horror you have both seen today has made you into innocent children again, and you both weep for the lost American soldier, for your own lost lives and for a world that is no longer there for either of you.
You don't even want to think about tomorrow.
- 18
- 19
- 20
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant