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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
Chapter Eighteen
The Nurse & James Barnes - Together Now In Death As They Were In Life

You do not know what Doctor Lehmann is planning, but you know Zola does not want to be here when it happens. He is squeamish. That frightens you. What could be so terrible that even the head of the project wants no part in it? During his time here, the patient has been tortured, burnt, assaulted, starved, and continually pumped full of a serum which would make him into...what?
What could be worse than what he has already been through?
You still do not know all the outcome of the project - although you have your suspicions. You know how his body has became stronger, how despite wounds so bad that they have festered it has fixed itself. You know they need to have him under almost constant sedation as he gets stronger. For the last few days it has been getting worse. Lehmann has been making the sedation stronger and stronger until once again he is almost always bed-ridden, barely able to move or to comprehend anything. You feel the pace has increased. The building work is complete, the machinery in place.
All this for one man. James Barnes.
Their Winter Soldier.
*
The day starts badly. Your patient has been in a lot of pain since the last batch of whatever they have injected into him. He barely sleeps that night, and when he does he has terrible nightmares which leave him screaming. You thought the serum trials were over. But if so, then what are these latest injections about?
You sit by his bedside, trying to let him know you are there, that he is not alone; but you don't know if he even knows where he is any more - not that any of you truly know where you are. He was calling out Steve's name again. It is something that happens more and more.
Come the morning James looks so haggard and grey. Lehmann does not visit to give him the morning sedative. Instead you receive a message via Marinov. You and Stefan are to bring the patient to a room you have never been in before. The room in question is the recreation room used by the guards. Marinov does not know any more than you do. He had been ordered along with two of his guards, to assist Lehmann in setting the room up and can tell you no more.
What has Lehmann got planned?
James is so tired that it is an effort to get him out of bed so you and Stefan use the wheelchair to take him there. When you bring James into the room you see that the tables and chairs have been cleared to the side and a projector has been set up in the middle of the room. The far wall of the room is to act as the screen. Stefan looks at you, and is as puzzled as you are.
You are told to put the patient's wheelchair in the middle of the room, in front of the screen, and you are both to stay. You pull up chairs, one either side of him.
Doctor Lehmann smiles to himself; it's as if the nurse and orderly are trying to protect their patient. Do they really think they can?
What are they doing? James looks questioningly at her, his eyes tired and bloodshot.
“I don’t know,” Freya whispers to him, and he sees concern and fear in her eyes. The pit of his stomach drops. He knows he is near the end. He knows they are determined to win.
Doctor Lehmann approaches them.
“Sergeant Barnes! We thought it has been a long time since you had news from your home, and we decided it is unfair for us to keep the truth from you. There are things you should know.” He turns and points at the blank wall, where the projection is to be. “We have put together a few things; American newsreels that we feel you might like to see, news you have the right to know. This is, how do you say; straight from the horse's mouth. It is rather old news, I'm afraid, but still better late than never.”
Your mouth goes dry.
He used James' name.
Lehmann moves away and the lights go out. You look at James. His face was pale before, but now all you can see is the ghostly light flickering over it and a look of dread. His eyes are wide, but focused.
When you look back at what the newsreel showed you are surprised it does not drive him mad, although you think he is not far from it. How could they be so cruel? How could Zola and Jakobs let this be done to him? Hasn't he lost enough?
Hadn't they done enough to him already?
The reel starts with a brief look around a place called Brooklyn. It's a name you recognise from your talks with James, and from his indrawn breath you realise that he recognises it. He leans forward, his hand gripping the arm of his chair. The look on his face is tragic. This is his home. He recognises the streets, the shops, houses, the docks.
“America is looking up, things are booming!” chirrups the newsreader, telling James that life is going on as normal without him. The reel continues mercilessly, detailing how things were going now that the war had ended and most of the soldiers had returned home to their families.
'All but James,' you think bitterly, and as if the newscaster had read your mind a scene of a graveyard is shown, new white headstones layering the landscape.
The newscaster moves on to say that not all of the soldiers came home. That not all families were lucky enough to have their sons and fathers returned to them.
The next scene shows a family grieving, and you hear an awful sound from James. The camera zooms in on the headstone they are stood next to. The name engraved there is unmistakable: James Buchanan Barnes. “Bucky” is written underneath, followed by the date of his birth and death.
It is his family on the screen.
They are holding on to each other. Shock shows in their features. Siblings who look so like him are talking softly to an older man - James' father. The look in his eyes distressing to see. A blond haired man is with them, and he is holding onto a distraught woman - James' mother - as she sobs. She clutches the lapels of his uniform. His parents have aged. They are both grey, drawn but you can see where James gets his features from.
This will tear James apart.
The film cuts to a group of American soldiers appearing to get ready for a mission. Your heart stops when you realise one of them is James Barnes. The announcer refers to him as Bucky, and it is then that you finally get to meet Steve Rogers. He is the blond man who was trying so desperately to comfort James' mother.
The commentator introduces Steve Rogers as Bucky's lifelong friend. There then follows a short explanation and series of photographs showing Steve Rogers undergoing an experiment. You can see the terrible illnesses James told you about that Steve had as a child and the destruction it wrought on his body. Then you see what Steve Rogers became and everything falls into place. You finally see the work Zola is trying to catch up on.
James is sat watching. He cannot take his eyes away from the screen. He cannot take his eyes off Steve. His Steve, his love.
The commentator begins to explain how the two men fought together side-by-side. Another scene is shown. James, leaning on the bonnet of a Jeep, looking at a map. On the other side of the bonnet stands Steve Rogers. Next to him, open on the Jeep's hood, is what seems to be a compass; in the lid is a picture of a woman. You don't want to stop looking at James on the screen, at Bucky lifting his right hand up to brush his hair back, his left hand cradling a rifle. It makes your stomach tighten.
Further photographs are shown. In most of the photographs Steve and Bucky are together, and you can see the love the two men, Barnes and Rogers, bore for one another right from when they were so young.
Then who, you wonder, was the woman whose picture Steven Rogers carries around with him?
The film returns to the soldiers and you learn that their unit was called the Howling Commandos. You see a picture of a howling wolf, and you remember the animal embossed on his dog tags.
Your eyes don’t ever leave the screen whilst Bucky is on there. The friendship is described again on the audio track, and you see Bucky and Steve talking and laughing with each other. He looks so young and you have never seen him carefree before.
You hear a noise which brings you back to the present. James is having trouble breathing. There are tears rolling down his face but he trying to smile. It is a hesitant smile, as if he is remembering perhaps when the film itself was taken.
He is seeing Steve again for the first time in such a long time, and it is breaking his heart.
But then the newsreel changes to a later one and the music they are using changes. It becomes sad. Melancholy. The announcer's voice drops low as he tells his audience about the loss of one of the Howling Commandos, James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky to his family and friends. You see again the shot of the family weeping. Steve Rogers trying to console Bucky's mother.
You watch as one by one the family turn their backs and walk away from the headstone bearing James' name, leaving Bucky alone with the dead.
The scene changes again to one where Steve Rogers talks about the mission that had just taken place and Bucky's fall from the train during it. Steve's expresses his regret at not even being able to bring Bucky's body home for burial. He talks of a memorial service and you feel sick. They thought he had died.
There was never any search for Bucky. You reach over and take James' hand but he doesn’t notice.
All this time, James thought he had given up on being rescued. But this had made him realise he hadn’t. In the back of his mind, buried deep, he always harboured a small bit of hope. Hope that Steve would find him, would never give up until he did.
But it turns out, he never even tried.
It hits James hard.
No-one ever looked for him. Not even Steve.
The newsreel shows a few other things with Steve Rogers; but this time it is film of him with the other Howling Commandos, and the woman in the photograph. It shows that she has taken James' place in the commando unit.
Perhaps taken more than his place with the unit.
The commentator introduces her as Peggy Carter, and adds that she is Steve Rogers fiancée. You hear an indrawn breath from James and his hand clenches so hard you fear he is going to break your fingers.
But there is worse to come.
Something so terrible that you wanted to stop the film, to take James out of there but you couldn't and afterwards...afterwards, you finally gave up hope of there being any humanity left in Hydra.
The screen darkened. The scenes show people in shock, on the street, crying, as the announcer's voice carries through the room.
“Sad news for the people of not just Brooklyn, but for all of us. Captain America, Steve Rogers, is dead.”
You hear James utter the word no. He shakes his head slowly. You look over at Lehmann; he is watching James, watching the effect all of this has on his prisoner, and you know this is just what he wants.
This will break James.
“Captain Rogers dies in what up until then had been a successful mission,” the announcer says, and you look back at the screen. The newscaster explains about the mission, lead by both Captain Rogers and Peggy Carter, to take down Hydra - and its tragic consequences when Captain Rogers is lost over the sea, bringing down a plane loaded with bombs that were bound for different American cities.
It does not tell you that Steve's body was never found but neither you or James realise this. You are too concerned for James and he is to numbed by what he is hearing.
Steve Rogers is dead. Steve Rogers never even tried to find him. The two things have taken root in James' mind and will continue to go around and around driving him slowly mad.
Steve Rogers replaced him with Peggy.
Steve Rogers never looked for him.
A memorial service is held for Steve, and Peggy Carter is interviewed about him. You hear James whisper, “Peggy, I'm sorry.”
I was right, James thinks to himself. I had lost him already.
The announcer goes on to say that Peggy and Steve were to have been married in the summer.
You thought James was the love of Steve's life - had he already lost him to this woman, to Peggy Carter?
Lehmann watches them both carefully. What they do not know is that some of the announcer's script was not in the original newsreel; it has been dubbed, edited, and the propaganda, is serving its purpose beautifully.
The film ends with a brief film show of a series of pictures of Steve and Bucky together, a school photograph, then repeats again the film shown of the two of them laughing with each other, the two of them planning missions together. Old friends' photographs come to light showing the two together, always together then a final set of words:
“Together now in death as they were in life.”
The reel ends.
Everything is quiet. Hushed.
All that can then be heard is the film looping over on the projector. The lights are put back on and you look at James. He has the thousand yard stare you know so well, unfocused, his breathing harsh. You can't get him to look at you. His eyes are trapped in the past. He is not even crying any more. He is like stone, not moving, not even blinking.
Doctor Lehmann approaches once more. “I am sorry for the loss of your friend, but at least he had spent the last of his months happy with such a beautiful lady. It is a shame they never got to marry before he died.”
You can't even look at Lehmann. You ignore him. You squeeze James' hand but you get no response.
“Ah well, perhaps later.” Doctor Lehmann smiles. “Such a shame no one ever even came looking for you, Sergeant Barnes. Good for us though. We were the ones who rescued you from interrogation. It shows we care for you more than your friends did, more than Captain Rogers ever did.”
And then he leaves the room. The first part of his plan is laid. His work is done for now.
*
When he had first had the newsreels put together, Lehmann's hardest choice was deciding if he should make it sound as though Roger's death was the result of Barnes', or whether it would do more damage to make the patient think his friend had stopped caring for him.
The agent in America had been very thorough, and Lehmann now knew Barnes and Rogers had been lovers, knew of their devotion to one another. When the agent had mentioned Peggy Carter, everything had fallen into place. It would be far more painful for Barnes to think the person he loved the most in the whole world had forgotten him, had moved on.
And best not to let him realise that Rogers had died almost right away, better for Barnes to think that he had had time to adjust to the minor loss of his friend before moving on to sweeter pastures.
*
You and Stefan wheel James back down the corridor. Neither of you know what to say. Before you reach his room, you stop.
“Stefan, can you cover for me?” you ask.
You know you need to do something. You recognise shock when you see it. You need to get James to talk. You need him to come out of the daze he is in. You know that back in his room with the guards there you will not be allowed to converse with him.
Stefan nods and you pull the wheelchair back, and into the shower room. James sits, oblivious. You need him to react, you need him to let his feelings out and not bottle them up.
You place a chair under the door. Stefan stands outside.
You switch on all the taps and all of the showers. The noise in the room is almost deafening. It bounces off the tiled walls and floor.
In here someone can scream and shout and not be heard.
You crouch in front of the chair. “James? James, I am so sorry.” You lean forward and place your hand on his knee, but he is like a statue and doesn't move. You look into his eyes and they are unfocused but you can see his jaw is tightly gripped and you can almost hear him grinding his teeth. There is such an anger there, such pain. He needs to release it somehow, to get it out.
'Steve never even tried to find me. Steve just couldn't wait for me to be out of the way. I thought he loved me, but he didn't, he lied to me...he's dead...no..he can't be, he can't...' these thoughts are going around and around in James' mind. He can't see beyond them.
“James, you need to talk about this. That was your Steve wasn't it. I am so sorry, I had no idea, I didn't know they were going to show you that. I didn't know he had died, if I did...” if you had, what would you have done?
A small noise escapes from him and he looks away from you. His hand is gripping the chair so hard you can hear the metal groaning. His whole body is tensed, coiled like a spring.
“James talk to me.”
Nothing.
How can you make him react?
You sit back and look at him. What must be going on in his mind? What pain was he going through?
“James...James, please look at me...” you sit forward.
Nothing.
What can you do? What can you say to bring him back to now?
You look at him again.
“Bucky...” you say hesitantly, and that is what breaks his silence.
“He never even looked for me! He never even tried!” he shouts, so loud it hurts your ears, makes your heart start to hammer and spittle hits your face.
He rears up so fast that it pushes you backwards, and his hand hits you so hard your head rings. You fall awkwardly on your hands. He grabs your plait and pulls you up so close to him, he is kneeling beside you, he moved so fast and for the first time ever you are scared of him.
There is a madness in his eyes that you have never seen before.
“Don’t you call me that! Don’t you ever call me Bucky! Don’t you dare! Only my family calls me that, only my friends, not filth like you,” he shouts, almost a scream and the words bounce around the room. No one outside can hear them above the water.
His eyes are deep pits.
His eyes are murderous.
“I thought, I thought....” he can't complete the sentence, rage is surging through him. Years of torture. Never realising all along he is waiting for Steve to come and rescue him. He had believed in him and Steve hadn't even tried. Had just replaced him with Peggy. Moved on. Had forgotten about him.
He pushes you backwards and stands. Turns. You can see he doesn't know what to do with his anger. His fist is opening and closing. He is sweating, his breath coming in great big bursts. He slams the wheelchair backwards with such strength that it lifts into the air and hits the sink. You have never seen strength like this, it is a strength borne of anger and Zola's serum. You know from experience that the anger should die out, that you need to ride the storm. You just pray it does die and you are still alive to be here for him.
“Talk to me,” you say, trying to stand up.
He spins around and in two strides he is in front of you once more. He hits you again and you go flying back into the wall, cracking your head and hurting your back so much that tomorrow you will have trouble standing.
He follows and stands close. He lifts his hand, the fist tightly clenched to hit you again. You can't help but flinch and put a hand up.
"Please! No!” Fear makes you beg, but you asked for this, you courted it - and now the look in his eyes terrifies you.
He draws his hand back as if to hit you again and you can't help but turn away and hold both your hands up to try to deflect the blow.
Nothing happens and you look back at him. His eyes are holes, deep and black.
Instead of hitting you he grabs your hair and knocks your head back up against the wall.
“Talk to you! Why?” his voice is dangerously quiet. “So you can trick me? So you can pretend you're my friend? You say you care, is it so you can help them tear me apart? Is that it?”
Tears now threaten to unhinge him. His eyes are searching yours and you don’t know what to say. If you say the wrong thing you will lose him forever.
Then you see a memory hit him. His eyes leave yours. His hand falls to his side, releasing you.
“Steve,” he whispers, as if repeating it to someone. “He's gone. I didn't protect him, I...I wasn't there to stop him from dying.” His voice sounds like broken glass. He lowers his fist. “He's gone, and it's my fault...my fault.” He turns around as if looking for an answer. “Why didn't I escape? I could have been there, I could have stopped it. Why didn't I try?...why didn't I...its my fault if I had been there, if I had just...” He goes to take a step but instead his knees buckle and he crumples to the floor. You step forward and kneel shakily down beside him, and this time he lets you in. He lets you take him in your arms. You hold him tightly as he weeps. You can't understand all of his words, they are so quiet, so full of pain but you know he is whispering Steve's name over and over.
“Steve, don’t be dead, you can't be dead, I love you, please I need you, why didn't you love me? Why didn't you look for me...? ” With everything he has been through, everything they have done to him, this is the cruellest, this hurts the most. This does the most damage.
Lehmann should be proud of himself.
For a time you don’t say anything: you rock him gently, stroke his hair, kiss his forehead; anything to show you are there for him. You can't say anything about his friend to make him feel better. You didn't know him. You didn't know Bucky before he came into your life, you have only ever known James.
You can give no comfort. Only Steve could do that.
James goes quiet and you feel the tension leaving his body. You loosen your grip and he leans backwards but only so he can see your face, only so that he can search your eyes. It's as if his strength has dawned on him. He sees a smear of blood that has run from your nose and he looks at you in horror.
“God, what have I done.” His hands go to your face, go to stroke your hair. “I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.” He is weeping again, looking at you, checking your arms, your face. You tell him not to worry, that you are not hurt. He tries to wipe the blood away with the corner of his sleeve, and you help.
His anger has run its course for now.
“What am I?” he asks you softly “What have I become?”
You reach out and take him in your arms again, and he rests his head on your shoulder.
“I thought he loved me,” he says simply and there is nothing you can say that doesn't sound like a lie. “My parents, they looked so old, so full of pain. They think I'm dead. Do you think they will forget me, like Steve did?” his voice is so choked.
“They will never forget you James, never.” You try and say this with conviction, but you are not sure of the truth. It is not something you can speak on, because you are certain your own parents have forgotten you.
“I want to go home. They'll never let me will they?” he says, quietly.
You look at each other for a long time. You both know the answer.
“Help me,” he says.
“Anything.” But as the word comes out of your mouth, deep down you know what he is going to ask you to do and your stomach drops.
“Kill me Freya. Please kill me. I don’t want to go on, don't make me go on. I can't do this, I can't...” your own face is pale, your eyes widen and you begin to shake your head no. He sees the pain in your eyes, the tears.
“Oh no please, please don’t ask me that. Please don’t ask me,” you whisper. You would do anything for him but this.
“I want to die. Please. You and I know that this is part of whatever they are going to do to me to finish it. Please...I...I can't go through any more...I can't take any more pain. Please Freya, you are all that I have now, the only one I can ask. Don't keep me alive.” And he starts to weep again and you hold him, stroking his hair.
“I know, I know.”
“Help me,” his voice is so low you can hardly hear it.
You are quiet.
“Please help me. I want to be with Steve.”
You know if you don’t reply he will beg. You can't make him do that.
“I'll...I'll help you. God forgive me,” you whisper, and in those words you agree to help him die.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant