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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
Chapter Seventeen
The Nurse & James Barnes – Vulnerability

The next few weeks pass in a blur. Things change. Things get more intense. Things get more frightening.
Doctor Lehmann becomes Director Lehmann and moves into his own office. You learn more about Hydra. Zola is not actually in command of it although most things are run by him. First and foremost he is a scientist, not a 'pen-pusher'. There seems to be a group of men at the top, all rich and powerful and they not only run Hydra but finance it, bring new people in, divide it into sub sections. It seems to cover whole countries.
To you it sounds like they own the world.
The doctors are now using a stronger sedative on James. He is in more pain than before as you cannot use such high doses of morphine with this new one.
Although they have finalised the serum, it is causing problems.
It doesn't always act in the way it should. It causes bad headaches, migraines, and there are times when you have to physically restrain him from bashing his head against the wall. Several times you are forced to completely sedate him. The serum also seems to sometimes get confused, trying to repair areas that are not actually damaged. New teeth grow under healthy ones, the doctors have to resort to surgery to cut them out. New finger- and toe- nails grow under old ones, forcing there way through his skin. It is not something the doctors are overly worried about. After all, they are not the ones experiencing it.
The patient still suffers terrible nightmares. There is one in particular that leaves him screaming in fear, and twice when you have tried to wake him his strength has thrown you across the room. Even you have grown to be wary of him. You ask him about the recurring nightmare and he tells you it is Lehmann cutting off his limbs so he cannot escape. Even as he tells you this much you see the trembling of his hands, hear the fear of it in his voice.
Their tests are producing such better results. His muscle tone is improving, and they can see an end to the testing. He is so nearly there. You hear them say repeatedly that there is just one thing holding them back and you know what they mean: his mind. You don’t like to think of that, of what they might do.
There has been construction on each floor of the building. There are new teams, strange machinery. All this for one person?
You have started to learn more about 'Project: Winter Soldier' that involves something called cryogenic freezing. You see more of the plans. One chilled you right to the bone. It is a prototype chair, stationed in the main room. They call it the Master Chair, and in one of the diagrams it is fitted to machinery that looks more like a medieval torture device than a modern day scientific breakthrough.
There is also a project that only Lehmann and two others are involved with. These others are people with no sense of humour; they look at everyone coldly. Their work is kept separate from the other projects, and no one is allowed near that part of the tunnels. Not even any of the other doctors.
You, Stefan and Kristo are careful not to be seen talking together, but when you can you gather in secret and trade information. The picture that you are assembling is frightening.
And through it all, James is slowly falling apart.
You have talked to him about his life, his family. He has started to forget so many things. His voice grows quieter and quieter until in the end he hardly speaks at all. When you try to get him to speak he just shakes his head. He gets angry with you, uncomfortable in your presence and you don't know why.
He is shutting you out.
You are losing him.
It is rare for your patient to react to anything these days. They are so close to breaking him. When you heard Lehmann talking about killing more than one bird with one stone you did not know what he was referring to, but the next phase is about the erasure of James Barnes himself and that fills you with dread.
You know they are satisfied with his physical body and that Zola has been talking about the patient's mind. Is that what this is all about? Is that why they are trying to break him? It makes no sense. You know that whatever Lehmann has suggested is going to be bad for James. The man is evil.
Security is tightened. There seems to always be guards everywhere.
Doctor Lehmann has had another one of his chats with you. Your lessons with him are at an end. He has said he will be watching you closely, that if they find you have overstepped your boundaries then you will be gone. Its as easy as that. It makes you reconsider dying once more; how easy it would be to fade away but you will not, cannot, leave James alone.
It is not such a difficult rule to follow. James hardly speaks; sometimes you begin to wonder if he has forgotten how to. And when he does his voice is rusty and it is an odd word here and there. He speaks more with his eyes, which show you everything down to his bare soul, and sometimes that is worse than words.
He internalises his pain. He is trying to cope on his own. She does not realise the true extent of the torment he is suffering inside his mind. He just wants to reach out to her, to bury himself in her arms. To be held by her and for the rest of the world to melt away.
To you, his mind seems to be turning more inward every day. It is his only escape from this world. Your guilt of how he came to be here always rules your judgement and that is how you live your life.
One of the things you know that hurts him is the phantom pain in his missing left arm, one which many amputees experience. It is the worst kind as there is nothing there that you can work on to numb the feeling. He knows his limb is missing but it does not stop the reality of the pain, and there are days when you find him curled up, clutching all that is left of his left arm. All you can do is increase the morphine and hope it takes him out of it. You try to encourage him to let you massage the limb but it is rare that he will let you touch him now. Almost sometimes reacting as if the touch of your hand is too hot. Too painful.
Early on in the care of your patient you worried that the morphine would become an addiction. You have seen the way soldiers become dependant upon it before and you do not want to swap one problem for another. You talked it over with Doctor Jakobs and he tells you not to worry, it will not happen; it is something to do with the serum they gave him. It does not allow drugs such as morphine to get a hold of the body or the individuals mind. It explains why they are having to use such a high level of the sedative again.
*
One morning James is particularly fractious with her, drawing away as she tries to touch him. He is groggy, but seems more awake than he has been in a while – yet he continually turns away from her, ignores her. Stefan can see the effect this is having on Freya. How upset it makes her. Last night, Lehmann stopped the patient's evening sedative; he wanted to see exactly how James will react with no sedative to calm him. James is already having trouble controlling his emotions, controlling the reactions of his body, controlling himself. Stefan knows he is going to have to tell her the truth.
You return to the room and James won't even look at you, doesn't want to move out of the bed. It takes a few hours of awkward interaction before Stefan tells you what he believes is upsetting your patient; that one of the shower sessions is required. But he also adds to the problem. He tells you he thinks that the help you have given James so far is not going to be enough this time.
You look at him, wide eyed. “As in?”
Stefan blushes and ducks his head. He clears his throat. “You remember what we talked about?”
You blink. “What actually...? No I don't think - I mean I can't do that in the shower room...I...”
“No Freya, I don't mean that. I don't mean...all the way. I mean...you know...” and he gestures with his hand touching his lips as though he is smoking a cigarette.
You look blank for a second and then it dawns on you and your cheeks go pink. “Oh...that...”
Stefan nods. “Yes that.”
You know on some level that it is shame that is stopping James from asking you to help. Shame of what he needs, and shame of what he has become - neither of which are his fault. You know what you need to do, but with James not being so highly sedated you feel just helping him in the way Stefan means may not be enough to solve the problem. James needs to feel that you are not pitying him. That he is not as vulnerable as you know he is.
You need him to think he is wanted, and you are doing this because you want to and not out of some misguided loyalty to him.
You think of what you talked about with Stefan. What if you get it wrong? You have never done anything like it before. In fact when he first told you about it you had looked at him in wide eyed awe and hadn't quite believed him at first.
“And men like that?” You had asked.
“Oh yes Freya, believe me they do.” He had said.
“Oh.”
“And women.” Stefan had added mischievously.
“Women? But how...no don't answer that.”
You didn't want to know.
When you suggest it's time to shower you can see that James doesn't want to go with you. You and Stefan glance at each other, and Stefan suggests that he and the patient walk down to the shower room together whilst you change into your smock and grab towels and robes and meet them there.
You catch up with them when you have changed into your usual smock and shower cap, but underneath the cap you have taken out your plait and combed your hair into a pony tail held up by a couple of clips. You hang pyjamas and your uniform up on the back of the door. Fresh towels and everything else you put on the side.
Stefan has started the shower and James is doing his best to wash himself. He is trying to show he is not as weak as he seems, and you do not wish to take that away from him.
Stefan makes an excuse and leaves you both. When James realises what is happening he flushes and you see panic in his eyes. He doesn't want Stefan to go. He doesn't want to be alone with you. You pretend you haven't noticed and instead you suggest he sit on the shower chair just whilst you wash his hair.
He hesitates.
“James, you're much taller than me now and I can't reach up that high any more without it hurting my shoulders,” you say calmly.
He nods still not looking at you, and sits. You can see that he is trying to hide the fact he has the beginning of an erection, but it is difficult with only one hand. You know that he is embarrassed.
After washing his hair and getting him back up on his feet you give him a sponge to do his front whilst you work on his back. You are being efficient and nothing else, and you feel him relax slightly. You finish in the shower and switch it off, then pass him towels and help rub his back dry, leaving him to do the rest.
You pass him pyjamas; you want to help him to put on the bottoms but you don't. You keep busy doing other things and by the time you turn back to him he is just ready to put the top on. All of his pyjama tops have the left sleeve shortened; you help him put it on leaving it unbuttoned.
You suggest he sit down whilst you brush the knots out of his hair. It has gotten so long. You grab the scissors and trim it back up to just above his shoulders.
He lets her. He is feeling tired. He aches; his missing left hand aches. He is feeling so tense from needing to relieve himself that he feels tears pricking his eyes. It makes him feel vulnerable and weak, something he doesn't want her to see.
But you know so much about this man. You know how he is feeling. You know how he feels about his missing limb. He rarely looks at his left side, and when he does you see the horror in his eyes. You see him every day of your life. He is your world. He needs you but he is beginning to need more than just what you have been providing. His body is more in tune without the sedative, more alive, it craves more contact, more of a personal touch, but he knows how naked and vulnerable he is. You need to give him back his dignity, to cover him, allow him to make the play. Put you both on the same level of the playing field.
To let him be the man he was and still is.
You comb his hair but this time instead of just leaving parted in the middle you part it on his left and sweep it all back behind his ears. As it is still wet it looks as though he has greased it back, just like you have seen pictures of how Americans wear it. It changes his face and you can see more signs of the man you first met back in the field camp. Because his whole face is showing you can see how big his eyes are, how beautiful they are and you feel a flutter low down in your stomach.
Whilst she has been working on his hair he has been watching her surreptitiously, especially the way her wet smock has moulded to her body. He has seen she is not wearing a bra, which is unusual, and he can see the outline of her breasts, her nipples. It makes him ache between his legs. He wants to groan out loud, he wants to touch her.
She interrupts his thoughts to tell him she has finished and he stands up ready to go back to his room. There is a well of disappointment in the pit of his stomach and a deep ache in his balls that he is trying to ignore.
You move the shower chair back and then ask him if he wouldn't mind waiting a minute whilst you change. You move him back until he realises you want him to sit again but this time on the top of a sealed off area. It is in the corner, a triangle of wood over the plumbing which creates a makeshift seat. He sits down on it and leans slightly back against the wall.
Inside you are so nervous. You are trying to think of the things Stefan told you. You have never played the part of a seductress before, and you certainly don’t feel like one. Oh God what if I get it wrong? What if I misunderstood what Stefan meant?
You could not have. You questioned him. You made him repeat what you needed to do until the poor man was exasperated. He had warned you that one day you may need to do this, and so you have been working on it in your mind. It is only daunting because it is so important to you.
Before you do anything else, you need to take precautions. You see James puzzle over your actions.
You take up the shower chair and jam it under the handle of the door. You don’t want any guards bursting in on you for any reason; if they do, then you will have some warning at least. You then turn on all the taps and the showers so that it sounds as if you are both still in the shower.
By now you know he is watching you closely, but you don’t let him know this. You do not want him to think you are going to hurt him in anyway.
Whilst you have your back to him you remove your smock, keeping your back to him you dry yourself. You know he can clearly see your naked shape. You are naked apart from your pants. You take off your cap and unclip your hair, you are so glad you washed it last night. You know he is watching as your hair falls around your bare shoulders. Still without turning around, you change your pants for dry ones.
You reach for your uniform and put it on. It is the plain light khaki dress buttoned from the top to the bottom at the front. You leave the belt on the hook. Then you pull your hair out so that it falls around outside of the dress and then you turn and walk back over to him. Your hands and knees are trembling but you are trying to look confident, to look as if you know exactly what you are doing.
You have not buttoned the dress up and it covers your body like an open coat. All you have on under it is the dry pants. Nothing else. You pick up a folded clean towel and walk to where he is sitting and put the towel on the floor just in front of him. Your skin is tingling and the thought of him touching you is doing things to you that you have never felt before.
Looking at the towel on the floor, he sits slightly forward. Then, he looks at you. You are looking at him, looking straight into his eyes, at his lips, his face. Your heart is hammering and you still feel that fluttering in your stomach.
You move so very close to him. He is now looking up into your eyes. You could drown in his. You lean forward and cup the left side of his head and bend to kiss his lips, softly, gently. You can taste him, the soap you were using, the smell of him. Your hair falls forward over his chest so he can feel the silky smoothness of it and you hear him moan into your mouth.
You go to move away slightly, your eyes still closed. You wait to see if he will follow, to see if he will take over. That is what you want, you want him to be the leader of this.
He does.
His right hand reaches out and pulls your head back closer and your lips meet. You open yours hesitantly and you feel his tongue. He kisses you, exploring your mouth. You feel the heat rising in your body. No man has ever kissed you before and you have a feeling that if they had it would not have been the same as this. This man has power over you; you haven't just lost your heart to him, you've lost your soul and sanity too.
You would do anything for him.
Whilst kissing you he brings his hand down inside the collar of your dress. His fingers brush your throat and then move further down until they brush your nipple, and you can't help but gasp. He cups your breast and you hear him moan again.
Both of you pull away from the kiss but leave your foreheads touching, eyes closed. He runs his thumb over your nipple and you feel it harden. You feel his left arm move but he will realise in a moment he cannot hold you with it. You need to distract him, so you move your head back and move so your body is even closer to his.
You gather up your hair and put it back over your shoulder so he can see you. Your heart is beating so hard that you are sure he will be able to hear it. You are trembling. He bends his head down and kisses your breast and then takes the nipple into his mouth. His hand touches your other breast, his fingers strong and warm, stroking. You think you are going to stop breathing. This is supposed to be for him, but the emotions and feelings running through you are so strong they nearly overwhelm you.
You run your hand through his hair, pushing it backwards and he lets go of you and looks up.
You kiss his forehead and then kneel on the towel on the floor between his legs. You don’t take your eyes from his. You put your hand inside the material on his shoulder and lean forward again to kiss him. You kiss his neck and then, pushing the material away from him, you let your hands roam over his body and you follow with your lips. He leans back slightly, mouth open, eyes closed. Then as your hands get lower he comes forward again and reaches out for you, pulling you back to him, and then kissing your lips again.
Whilst he kisses you, your hands reach for the tie of his pyjama bottoms and you undo them and move the material aside so you can reach him. His erection is hard, hot. As your hand touches him he jumps, and his body shudders and he groans.
He lets you go and you kneel lower, your hands stroking him. You can see he is barely breathing. You reach down and run your hand very gently over the top of his cock and then down the hard shaft to the bottom. The skin is so warm and soft and he is so very hard. You have a moment of worry as to how big he is, please let me get this right. You hold his cock whilst you dip your head to the top of it.
She is so close he can feel her breath on him. He stops breathing, mouth open, praying she won't stop.
You try to remember what Stefan told you and gently you run your tongue over the very tip.
He remembers to breathe again and moans. The feeling running through his body is burning him. He has imagined her mouth on him so many times and now it is happening. This is what James Barnes likes the most; he doesn't know why, it has always been that way. Steve used to reduce him to a quivering wreck just by the touch of his lips on his hard shaft.
You move the material of his pyjamas so that you can reach all of him.
You hold his cock with one hand and slip your other one under so you can stroke the skin at the base and then his balls. A small amount of cum dribbles up from the slit and you lick it off. Stefan has warned you about the taste. You are sure you hear James whisper something; you think it might be your name. You move your tongue down the hard shaft to the base and then around and up the under side as your hand slowly starts to massage and stroke his balls and you hear him groan again.
He adjusts his position so that you have better access to him, and this gives you the courage you need to know you are doing the right thing. You move slightly so you can run your tongue along the skin at the base and then using your hands, you move his ball sack closer and gently take his balls into your mouth and suck gently. Your other hand runs up and down his cock slowly and you feel a trickle of cum run down and over your hand. You release his balls and both your hands move to the inside of his thighs and stroke the skin there. You look at his face and he is watching you, his eyes wide, pleading. His chest rising, he is trying to steady his breathing. There is a faint line of sweat on his brow and his top lip and as you watch he swallows hard.
You move your hand to touch him again and your fingers circle his cock. You move slightly and then bend your head down to it. You then take him in your mouth, just the first inch. He is big and you know this is going to take a while to do, especially as this is new to you, you have never done anything like it before. You suck whilst your hand slowly rubs up and down the lower part of his cock, and you then take more of him into your mouth. You hear him moan. You use your other hand on his thigh to steady yourself.
His hand moves to wrap your hair around it and he rests his hand on the back of your head as he closes his eyes. You take in as much as you can, sucking and using your tongue. Then slowly you withdraw your mouth until you reach the top again and your tongue licks and you suck the very end. You slowly move your hand up and down the hard shaft until you hear him moan.
Bowing your head you start to take him into your mouth again, this time more than you have done before. Your own stomach is in knots and you are wet between your legs. Part of you feels a deep longing and wishes his hardness was there between your legs, pushing into you, but at the same time you want him in your mouth. You want to taste him. You want to make him moan again.
This time you work on taking him all in. His cock starts to slide down the very back of your throat and for a moment you are worried you are going to gag as he pushes but you slow him down, breathe deeply though your nose and then start again.
His breathing increases and you can hear him moaning and you know he is close to coming. Your hand at the base grips him harder and so does your mouth, you are moving with him faster now.
You feel his hand clench your hair and the pressure of it on the back of your head increases. He is so very close, he moans again and then arches up. He can't help but thrust himself as far as he can into your mouth, and you feel the hot liquid spurt down the very back of your throat. You must breathe through your nose, remember what Stefan warned.
You hear him cry out.
You drink him down and he thrusts again and again and more liquid fills your throat and mouth. You swallow and the bitter salty taste is everywhere but you don’t care, as he came, even over the sound of the water, you heard him say your name and he begged you to not to stop.
He slows. You feel him straighten up. You can hear his breath. You know his heart is beginning to cease its hammering and you feel his cock begin to soften. You slowly release him from your mouth and move back.
His hand is no longer on the back of your head and you feel him release your hair. You cover him up and retie his pyjamas. You can hear him breathing heavily, but he is quiet.
You don’t know for a second if you are brave enough to look up at him, but you do and his eyes are on your face. His hand comes up against your cheek and you turn slightly and kiss the palm. You can see he wants to speak, but that he doesn't know what to say. You can taste him in your mouth, down your throat and you can smell his sex.
You go to stand up but he misinterprets what you are doing.
“Don't go, not yet.” His voice rusty with misuse and now you know why he couldn't speak; there are unshed tears in his eyes. He is so frightened of losing you, so frightened of being alone.
You stay where you are. You keep your voice gentle. “I'm not going, I will never go, please believe me. I will always be here for you.”
You take his hand in both of yours and kiss the back of it and look into his eyes. He is searching yours as if he can read your sincerity in them.
You lean closer.
“Please, please believe me James, you are not alone. I promise I will stay. I will always be here for you.”
Tears prick your eyes and when he realises you are telling the truth he leans forward and grabs you to him and holds you as best as he can. You wrap your arms around him and listen to him weep.
He is James Barnes, and someone has shown him he is a man. One worth loving.
After a few moments he lets you go, but before you can move away he asks you the question you have always dreaded. “Why? Why do you go through everything to stay with me?”
Now it is your turn to search his eyes. You have always promised yourself that you will be truthful with him. The two of you have only briefly touched on his time in the field camp.
“Because it is my fault you are here.” You wait for his response, but it is not the one you were expecting.
“Why? Why do you think that?”
“Because I saved your life at the field camp.”
You see shock in his face. “Freya, none of this is your fault. None of it. Why would you think that? You saved my life but you weren't to know what would happen, how could you? How could anyone?”
You are both keeping your voices low. Time is running out and you know soon if you don’t appear the guards will come looking for you. You can also see the tiredness in his eyes.
“Don’t you hate me?” you blurt out. “If I had let you die you wouldn't have gone through all of this. When I first came here you asked me to help you die and I didn't...I couldn't...” now you are weeping. All this time you have thought he would hate you.
His eyes are so sad as he looks at you. You can see he is at the end of the road for today, he needs to sleep. “You? How could I ever hate you?” He ducks his head for a moment, struggling with the words he wants to say. “You're not a killer like I am. None of this is your fault.”
Then he looks up at you, reaches out and touches you. “It's the guilt that makes you stay, isn't it? Is that why you remain with me because you feel it is your fault? Is that the only reason? ”
You swallow. He is tearing you apart. “No. James, I loved you from the first moment I saw you. You mean so much to me. I could never leave you. I stay because I love you and to leave you would be...be...oh God …” You are crying and he can see your utter devotion for him in your eyes. You clasp his hand in yours. “I don’t know what they are going to do to you, James. I'm so frightened. I don't know their plans, what they are trying to achieve, what they...” you let go of his hand “...I can't stop them, I can't get you out of here, I can't do...anything.” Tears run down your cheeks. He reaches out to wipe them away, and he tries to smile.
“You don't need to do any more than what you do. I know when I see you I'm not alone,” he tries again to smile but it is more a grimace. “I think they want me dead. Not my body. Just my mind.”
The horror and sadness that shows in your face is reflected in his. What can you say to him? The reality is all around you. He clutches your hand tightly and leans forward more so there is hardly any space between you. His eyes search yours. “Just don’t leave me please. Don't let me be alone, no matter what they do to me please don't leave me.” His eyes are wide, red-rimmed. You place your hand on his cheek and stroke it.
“I love you James Barnes. I could never leave you,” you tell him.
It is a promise you will always keep.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant