Inner Conflicts

Inner Conflicts--Part 15 Inner Conflicts Part 15 Students laughed as they ran out of Bayville High.  Many of them were already in weekend mode as Friday was only one day away. Scott would have been like that, too, if it weren't for the fact that Kurt was going into enemy grounds. Scott seethed with anger as Lance led Kurt towards his jeep.  The way Lance was casually draping his arm over the smaller boy's shoulder made it seem like they were good buddies or something.  It was almost as if he had been replaced. The only thing that kept him from stalking over there and ripping Lance's arms off was Kurt himself. Kurt looked tense, as if he wanted to shrug Lance off.  Chances were, he didn't do it because he was too polite. Kurt, dammit, just kick his ass, thought Scott. "Like, I'm soooo glad that Lance and Kurt are getting along," commented Kitty, happily. For one brief moment, Scott considered booting Kitty's ass out of his convertible. He then realized that he'd been projecting his thoughts loud enough for Jean to hear them, judging by the look she gave him. He tossed her a sheepish grin. "Ah don't know," said Rogue.  "Lance is only nice when he wants something." "He's not that bad," protested Kitty, looking upset. "That or he thinks you're easy," muttered Evan. "Daniels!" both Jean and Kitty shrieked in outrage, as Scott and Rogue smirked. X Lance paid attention as Kurt continued to show him the easiest way to solve quadratic formulas.  He watched Kurt's hands move about as he explained the FOIL method and pointed to examples in the book. He knew that it was nervousness that kept those hands moving.  If only he could get them to move elsewhere. Lance glanced at his watch. It was time to start with his moves again. "Okay, time out.  My head hurts," he said."Why don't we take a break and do something?" Kurt paused.  "Do something?" he asked, warily. Lance stood up.  "Sure. All study and no fun kind of sucks life out of everything, don't you agree?" Kurt slowly nodded. Yeah, truthfully, he hated to study all the time.  But what kind of fun was Lance refering to?  Yesterday's events?  Kurt felt his cheeks threatening to heat up. Lance gently pulled the papers Kurt held out of his hands. Kurt just watched him as he stuck the sheets into his math book and closed it.  Lance then sat down next to Kurt, one arm draping across the back of the couch. Kurt immediately tensed up. "Vhat are you doing?" he asked. "Enjoying the view," said Lance, with a grin.  He then started to lean forward. Kurt jerked back, one hand against Lance's chest, the other on the couch seat to keep himself from falling.  "Vait!" he exclaimed. "What's wrong?" asked Lance, catching a lock of Kurt's hair and twirling it in his fingers. "Stop it," Kurt said, trying to sound firm.  A slight shake spoiled the effect.  "This is wrong and I don't vant this!" Lance frowned.  "Then what was yesterday about?" he asked.  "Was I just some type of experiment?" "Vhat? Nein! That vas a mistake!" "So you didn't feel a thing?" Lance asked, his voice filled with hurt and anger.  "I just gave you a blow job like some common whore?  Were you thinking of someone else while I was doing that to you?!" Lance's voice rose as he grabbed Kurt's shirt near the collar and pulled him up towards him. "Nein, nein! I vasn't thinking about anyvon!" protested Kurt, grabbing Lance's hands. "So you just accepted it cause it made you feel good.  You didn't care that I liked you enough to do that with you!" "I didn't ask for it, you perverted freak!" The sudden silence was deafening. Then Lance spoke, his voice tight in his throat.  "So, I'm a freak.  Is it because I happen to like a guy?  Shit, Kurt.  Don't you think I know that?" Lance let go of Kurt and sat back, eyes hidden beneath his bags as he avoided eye contact.  "I thought that you, of all people, would have understood me. It sucks realizing that you were only lying to yourself and that you are really all alone.  I thought. . .when you let me touch you. . . I thought. . . I thought that I wasn't going to be alone. . . anymore." Kurt felt his heart clench painfully.  Yes, he knew what it was like to feel alone.  And he did something he personally swore not to do--treat someone like a freak.  It was an awful feeling and he wouldn't wish it on anyone. . . not even an enemy. A sniffling sounds caught his attention. His eyes filled with tears as his guilt threatened to overwhelm him. "Lance, I'm sorry," he murmured.  "I. . . I didn't mean to call. . . I know vhat it's like to feel all alone." "I don't think you do," said Lance, bitterly.  "At least you can be honest with yourself.  You accepted the fact that you don't look normal. Me, I realize now that I've been a fake all along. . . flirting with girls, trying to fit into the norms of this ass of a society.  It's just not worth faking or living it anymore if there is no fucking meaning to my life." His voice wavered. "And the way you responded yesterday. . . I thought. . . I thought that you would be it.  The thing worth living." Kurt felt awful.  Yesterday meant nothing.  It was just the T.V., that was all.  He wasn't thinking.  "I, I can't," he started, then stopped. Lance looked so downcast that he couldn't help but shed a few tears for the mutant. "I'm sorry," he repeated, in a whisper. "So am I," Lance croaked out, hand straying to his chest... almost as if wanted to stop his own heart.  He looked back up, a desperate look in his eyes.  "Can't we pretend, at least. . . just for today?" he asked, forlornly. God, he didn't want this. . . this responsibility of making a person feel better when there was really nothing he could do.   He sounded so close to the edge, and Kurt realized that he had been down the same path before, when he was terrified of Lance's advances. He also realized how selfish he had almost been.  If he had gone through with the act. . . if he had sliced himself there at the Institute. . . wouldn't have at least one of them felt such guilt that they couldn't stop him? Because he knew, he just knew, that if Lance ended his life after today, Kurt would never forgive himself. It was one thing to wish ill luck on a person. . . it was another thing to wish them death. Would letting Lance touch him be wrong, if it kept him alive just a bit longer? Kurt stared at his own hands which nervously clutched at his knees.  "If it vould make you feel better. . ." he whispered.  "I can pretend." He felt the back of Lance's fingers caress his cheek, following the wet trail of tears on his furry cheek.   "Thank you, Kurt," whispered Lance.  "For giving me this one moment." Kurt closed his eyes as Lance's hand moved to the back of his head and cupped the back of his neck.Lips gently touched his as he was slowly pulled forward. Then Lance shifted as his other arm came around Kurt's waist and slowly eased him downward. Kurt couldn't help but tense when Lance slid one leg between his. He relaxed slightly when he realized that Lance was only trying to get comfortable when he was slightly crushed by the weight of the taller mutant. Lance reached up to his face and using his thumb, gently tugged at his chin. Kurt slightly opened his mouth and tried not to pull away when Lance began to explore the inside of his mouth with his tongue. It felt too weird. His own hands stayed awkwardly at his side, not knowing what to do with them. He shivered when Lance began to run his hands up and down his bare arm, going with the flow of his fur, and then against it. Lance stopped kissing him in the mouth. He then started kissing him where his shoulder met his neck. Kurt couldn't help but gasp as his body jerked. He didn't know just how sensitive that area was. Lance continued to nip at him and suck at his neck, hands slipping under his shirt, exploring his soft stomach. Kurt finally grabbed Lance by the shoulders and pushed him up.  "Vait, vait," he gasped out.   "I. . . this is getting uncomfortable." Truth was, he was able to feel Lance hardening against his leg.  And what scared him was that his own body began to respond. "I won't force you to do anything, Kurt.  I promise, I'll never hurt you like that again.  I would rather wait forever for you to ask me for that than take it by force." "But I. . ." "I know. . .just pretend I'm some girl you like," whispered Lance.  "I don't mind." With that, Lance moved Kurt's hands away from his shoulders and held them aside for a moment while he continued to tease Kurt's skin. Kurt couldn't help but moan when Lance kissed him under his jaw while moving to the other side of his neck, giving it equal attention. His own wrists were suddenly released, and Kurt let his hands just lie on Lance's shoulders. Think of some girl. . .Lance had said. But what girl?  I don't think any of them would be willing to touch me like this.   Kurt was barely aware of the hands that flittered over his body, never straying below his waistline. Oh, Lance. . . we're both in a sorry state.  Both freaks of nature, and both in love with someone that won't love us back. I'm sorry that I can't return your feelings, but at least I can help you pretend for one day.  And at least you are letting me know what it might have felt like to have someone love me. X Kurt's cheek rested against Lance's chest, his tears long since dried.   He could hear the heart beating beneath the ribs, and the lungs sucking in air with each breath. One of Lance's hand was slowly trailing up and down his spine, which sort of tickled.  The other one was slowly running fingers through his hair. His own arms were wrapped around Lance's neck, and he could feel Lance's chin against the top of his head. The hand on his head suddenly moved down to lift his chin up. Lance looked at him wistfully. Kurt closed his eyes and let Lance kiss him again, before letting his head drop back into place.  He let out a soft and mournful sigh. X Lance couldn't help but smirk as he looked down at the blue mutant that was currently sprawled on top of him. While it wasn't as good as sex would have been, he at least had a great make-out session. And the German brat actually bought his sob story. Kurt, my boy. . . You are going to be begging me to take you before this week is up.  I swear. With that in mind, he put back on his sad face and gave Kurt a tight squeeze.  "Come on," he said.  "It's time I take you home." Kurt slowly stood up and nodded. X Dinner was silent, something that was fast becoming a roe the that no one really liked. Afterwards, some of the mutants went to finish their homework while other just hung around. Kurt sought sanctuary in his room. He let himself drop on his bed, hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. What was he going to do?   If he told Xavier that Lance was depressed enough to kill himself, he would question on how he found out.  And then everything would be out in the open. And that was something he wasn't ready for. He had to deal with this himself somehow. . . even if it meant letting Lance kiss him a couple times just to feel better. After all. . . kisses weren't exactly harmful. So long as Lance didn't demand anything else. tbc. . .