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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Chapter Fourteen
The Nurse & James Barnes - The Shower

The new program is working quicker and better than you had thought it would; the patient is getting stronger each day. The only downside of it is the doctors now insist on sedating him so much more.
Lehmann administers a sedative twice a day. He does not trust you with it.
But, there was a problem; Zola's serum actively worked against the sedative and so it becomes a vicious circle. They would increase the dosage of the sedative and the serum compensated. The combination of the two fighting in his body threw James into a delirium. Sometimes it seemed as if he didn't even know who he was, where he was, who you are.
Lehmann and his team work on the problem, and unfortunately find an answer.
A new sedative, vicious and you believe mind altering. It causes nightmares and cramps. It is so strong there are times when James is barely aware of anything. He becomes so quiet and introverted that sometimes he doesn't speak for days. Doctor Jakobs explains to you that the new sedative is working because the serum does not read it as a threat.
You understand their reluctance to allow him any freedom but you rail against it and keep up pressure for them to let him have more of a life.
The answer is always no. You know Lehmann is behind it.
You have tried to explain to James that things are better - but he is still being tortured - only they call it science.
When you speak to him he doesn't look at you. You don't know what is going through his mind. Sometimes you can't get him to answer even when you say his name. When the pain is at its worst he only internalisers it; you can see it in the tenseness of his body, the way his hand clenches so tightly - half circles of red angry welts on his palm. You have taken to keeping his nails so short they can do no harm. Often now he will curl up on himself in bed, always away from you, always pulling the covers over his body as if to hide. And you know that he cries at night. There are times you have heard him whisper a name - “Steve.”
You are losing him. He is losing himself.
The only time Lehmann allows the patient to have a break from the sedative is when even he can see how much the patient is exhausted from the testing, how he can barely get back to his room without your help. At these times it is plain to see there is no danger of him trying to escape, no danger from him at all. On these nights without the sedative, his sleep seems better - not so frantic, no awakening in the middle of a nightmare. No trembling so badly that when you hold him his teeth chatter. What is it that he sees in these nightmares? You see how he tries to stay as far away from Lehmann as he can. There are days when he is taken for testing and Lehmann is part of the team and James almost whimpers and turns as if trying to leave the room.
She cannot see his dreams. Lehmann has become a nightmare figure for James. Always looming with the saw to take his arm away, over and over again - and then to start on the rest of him. “Little bit by little bit...” Lehmann lowers the blade to what remains of his left arm and he feels the blade cut into him. James wakes screaming, or worse, unable to scream.
The doctors are pleased with the latest batch of serum they are using; they have found the correct amount of radiation to trigger it, and now it is moving into not just his blood stream but attaching itself to his muscular system, to his bones, moving into the marrow and remaining there. It is flooding in everywhere. He is getting taller, more muscular, and you know he sees it to. You sometimes catching himself looking at his body. The changes scare him.
Then there is the additional testing. It makes you sick.
They are testing his pain limitations with the serum, but they have taken everything up a notch. Sometimes you believe they must hear his screams throughout the base. The tests they conduct use everything from electricity to acids. They do not always let you tend to his wounds when using something new; they want to see how quickly the serum repairs it. You weep sometimes, and Stefan is always there to help you. Even Jakobs has occasionally sought you out. You have noticed he tends to hang back on this part of the testing and is not part of what comes to be known as The Pain Team.
The problem is that the serum seems to cause more pain because of the way it keeps the nerve endings constantly alive, constantly open. Lehmann is not worried; pain coaching can be addressed in the programming stage. The nurse does not know that. She has no idea of the plans that lie ahead of her patient.
Because the serum is starting to show its true effects, the doctor's work has increased in pace and they see James nearly every day now. It means more work for you and Stefan because by the time they have finished, James is worn out, his nerves frayed and he is in such pain.
You have found an old cot and moved it into his room. Most nights you sleep there, just in case he should wake and need you. You don't want to leave him. You have promised to always be there for him and you mean to keep your word.
Sometimes after they have held the patient for a long session there is a need to clean him before you can let him sleep. You take him to the shower room, and on those days you always enlist Stefan's help. As tall as you are, James is taller and heavier, the two of you are needed when he is having trouble keeping himself upright.
What she doesn't know is that James is feeling a reaction to her; her femininity. He struggles to control his emotions - sometimes the combination of sedative and serum seems to intensify them. It also intensifies other feelings which take over his body and mind. At these times he tries to keep away from her so she does not notice. His body wants to feel her, his mind wants to touch her, feel her softness, run his fingers through her hair. To lose himself in her. When she is holding him, when he is at his weakest and he needs her, he breathes in her scent, feels her cool skin and imagines what it would be like for her to touch him the way he would like her to. He has a dream of her using her mouth to bring him to climax and is ashamed some times to awake to wet bed sheets. He always tries to hide what has happened. And there are times this makes him so angry with himself; he thinks that he is taking advantage of her. Its a vicious cycle for him. When he curls up in bed sometimes it is so he can hide his body – hide its reaction to her. He doesn't want her to see his erection. He curls up, thinking of anything he can to soothe the throbbing in his balls.
The shower room is down the corridor from the patient's room and is a large enough space for four people. There are days like today when you need to use the shower for the patient, and you need Stefan to help hold him up whilst you wash him. To do so you change into a simple short white shift over your underwear, and a shower cap completing your makeshift uniform. Stefan wears shorts and a top. Both of you know you are going to get very wet.
You take James to the shower room in a wheel chair. There is no way he could manage it on foot today. Stefan tells the guards that it is okay for them to stay outside, and they are glad; they do not like to be reminded of what goes on here. One look at the patient is enough.
You and Stefan stand him up and you gently undress him. You both know the damage done, but you hear Stefan swear quietly all the same. The smell coming from James is bad: body odour, burnt flesh but both of you take it in your stride. You are used to it. You are both aware of the harm done to this man, the cuts, bruises and radiation burns on his body reflect what he has been through and is still going through. The serum they have injected into him and the doses of radiation have bulked up his muscle tissue, and you guess that the sedative they pump into him some day will not be enough to stop him. But for now, in the testing stage, it makes him pliable.
This evening he is awake but unfocused, he makes no effort to stop you from what you are doing but he makes no effort to help you either. You can lead him and put him under the water but if you and Stefan let go he would probably just sink to the floor and make no effort to clean himself, this is what they have reduced him to. Thank God Lehmann agreed not to give him tonights dose.
The doctors talk about the fact that the serum is working and the project will enter its next phase but you don't know what they mean and it frightens you. They will not discuss it with you so you have to try and glean what is happening from odd snippets you hear and files you see.
There is talk of a new team joining the researchers and you know they are clearing out the old dormitory for their use, but you do not know why they are being brought in. When you ask Marinov if he knows anything he gives you one of his looks. You never know if he trusts you or not and sometimes his replies are cryptic. He says he doesn't know - but then adds they have been told to clear out and make available three other rooms for more new teams that will be joining the project. He also mentions there will be building work going on - maybe you will finally get that bathroom/toilet for your patient's room.
When you finally stand James under the shower you know that after a few minutes the water will help revive him. Not enough to make him a danger, but enough that you hope being clean will make him feel more human again. You have set the shower to warm. You see James shudder and close his eyes. He tips his head back to feel the water on his face.
You grab the seat and place it under the water. It is the only way you can reach comfortably to wash his hair now the serum has actually increased his height. Stefan then guides the patient to sit and keeps him steady so you can wash his hair. It is growing long and you have been trying to keep it cut to just above his shoulders. Whilst washing his hair you massage his scalp. You are trying to get him to relax, to let go the tensions that have held his body captive all day.
Afterwards with Stefan's help you encourage James to stand up and Stefan removes the seat. You steady the patient and he responds now enough to enable you to move him. He is coming around, waking up.
Stefan takes over steadying him. You get the soap and sponge and start to clean his neck, chest and arms including the stub of his left one. You need to be careful and not catch any of the injuries he has sustained today. There are few physical ones to see; bruising, cuts, but they were using other means to hurt him and these have left his nerves frayed. He is so tense and has jumped a few times when you touch him.
At least you believe that it is what makes him jump. It hasn't occurred to either you or Stefan that it might be something else.
You become aware that James is watching you but you know he will not talk to you. He is becoming a stranger almost, rarely talking even when you talk to him.
She doesn't know that sometimes he desperately wants to talk to her, wants her to hold him - but he remembers Doctor Lehmann's warning, knows that he is watching all the time. He cannot do this alone; he cannot be without her, he cannot lose her.
Paranoia is something that the sedative feeds, and James feels everyone is spying for Lehmann; always watching him, waiting for him to make a mistake and then she will be gone. That thought frightens him more than the testing does.
When you wash the palm of his right hand you feel it close around yours and you look up at him. It is difficult to tell as the shower water rains down on you both, but you are sure tears are running down his cheek. You gently squeeze his hand and he releases yours as if nothing has happened.
“Are you all right?” you ask.
He looks away from her, closing his eyes. His nerves feel so sensitive and his emotions are all over the place, he can't control them these days. It's as if his mind and his body no longer belong to him.
Stefan carries on a dialogue as you work. He is always like this, and you believe his sense of humour is the only thing that gets him through the day. He asked if you could help teach him more of the English language so that he can converse with James. He is a fast learner and tells you that before his incarceration he was training to become a teacher. It's hard to believe that so much has happened in his life when he is so young. You are not the only one who realises his intelligence, his potential. You have noticed that the doctors, especially Doctor Jakobs, giving him more responsibility and he is becoming more than just an orderly.
“Come on then big man, arm up so Freya can wash you. Don’t want you smelling so bad in front of the big brave doctors.” He helps the patient hold his right arm up and you wash and then rinse him.
You do the same with the left one, taking care around the stub as you do not want to hurt him. The doctor at the field hospital had done the best he could with the resources he had but in the intervening years it has been unstitched and restitched until it is just a mass of scar tissue. It is so sore now, some of the skin is splitting again. After the shower you will need to dress it to try and keep it free from infection.
You crouch down. ”Hold steady, lets do your right foot first.” When you know Stefan has a good hold you pick up the patient's right foot and clean it, then you do the same with the left.
There is now only one area to clean and you can't help it but your cheeks always flush red at this point.
Whilst Stefan has always been happy to help you manhandle the patient he has always refused any other request of yours to help clean the patient in certain areas. You believe deep down it makes him uncomfortable. You think you know why, you feel Stefan may be homosexual. You work with him so closely and for so long that the two of your have become like siblings. You know it is illegal in Russia and would mean death. Somehow you know it would mean the same thing in Hydra.
You know he doesn't quite trust you enough to confide in you and you will not ask him until you know he is ready to talk.
You stand up and move around so that you are stood behind the patient.
You soap the sponge and take a deep breath. This is the part you will always find embarrassing and yet being a nurse you have had to clean your fair share of male anatomy. It is because it is different with this man. This man is not here because you are all trying to help him and save his life, he is here because he is being experimented on and tortured. You have no right to be touching him.
First you clean his back, then move down to his hips and then around his buttocks, gently rubbing between his legs. He flinches, but you act as if you do not notice. You rinse the sponge and soap it again and then moving to his left side you reach around to the front and then you start cleaning and rubbing between his legs, around his penis and balls. You do it from this position so that he cannot see you. He has been humiliated enough.
“Freya,” Stefan whispers, alarmed. “I think you may be being a bit to vigorous.”
Your hand stops and you look at him. He is the other side of the patient, and you are sure if the situation wasn't so sad he would be trying not to laugh.
“Stefan...?” you mouth, your eyes wide. He knows exactly what you are asking without you saying a word. He shakes his head.
You have been a bit too good in your ministrations. You have not moved your hand away and the sponge is cupped around the patient's hard erection.
“Oh no, no Freya, you are not getting me to do anything other than hold him for you” Stefan whispers in Russian.
You can't bring yourself to look up at James, but you feel how his body has tensed. His right hand is clenched tightly, his eyes closed. You don’t want to move. You have never been in this situation before.
“What do I do?” You mime to Stefan. He raises his free hand and sign languages to move your hand up and down - although you are a novice in these matters you know exactly what he is talking about.
“But I can't...can't you, you know...help?” you whisper back keeping to the Russian language and Stefan shakes his head in alarm.
“No! Don’t even go there.”
“But you're a man and...” you are beginning to sound desperate. You have no idea of what to do; your common sense has fled and instead you feel dread balled up in your stomach. You want to do the right thing.
“That would only make it worse. Freya I can't help you.” He looks as panicked and as worried as you do.
You can't look anywhere but Stefan's face. Your cheeks are flushed, you have not had this situation arise before. The water continues to fall on all three of you. It seems like forever but it is literally seconds.
“But...” you stammer.
“Look...I'll give you some space and wait outside. When I can come back in just call me.”
“But how...what do I do?”
Stefan looks at you. “Just carry on with what you are doing, I think you'll find that its working.” He is genuinely trying to help.
He gently lets go of the patient who takes his own weight, and steps out of the water. He grabs a towel and without looking back at you he leaves the room.
During the discussion your hand has stayed where it is. You can't take it away. You risk a look at James' face. His eyes are still shut tightly, and he is breathing deeply. You feel a slight shudder run through his frame.
His eyes open and he catches you looking at him. He unclenches his right hand, raises it and puts it on top of yours.
“Please,” he whispers.
“I...” You look away and he lets his hand fall. You move back so he cannot see you. Slowly you start rubbing again. He groans.
You see him swallow, then he puts his hand back on yours, shaking his head. He wants you to stop.
How could he have thought...how could he have hoped. He wants the release, it has tortured him for weeks. How can he ask this of her? He can't, it is unfair on her.
You move forward.
“James. I think you need this,” you say softly. You keep your left hand where it is and with your other hand you reach up and stroke his cheek with the back of your fingers. “Let me do this,” you whisper and he sobs.
You lower your right hand and start moving your left up and down, he takes his hand away. “Close your eyes, don't think, just feel,” you say and he does.
His head moves forward, eyes closed, and his lips part. You blank your mind and listen to his breathing. Although you have never done this before you have some idea of what is happening and everything else seems to come naturally until you feel his whole body tense, his head falls back and he cries out. His whole body jerks.
Hot semen spills over your hand and mingles with the water. He shudders, and more semen spurts and drips down his belly and onto your feet. You move slightly back but you do not stop until you are sure he has finished and then your hand drops away from him. He makes a noise and you realise it is another sob.
You have to catch him as he slowly sinks to the floor and you know he is crying, his sobs bouncing off the tiled walls. He is also trying to say he is sorry.
“Oh my God, no, don’t cry, please, its not a problem! Please don’t cry.” You sink down next to him and encircle him in your arms, rocking him. Without thinking you remove your shower cap and rest your head against the side of his. “Ssh its all right. Please I'm so sorry, its all right.”
What can you say to him?
You cannot promise an end to this nightmare. You cannot say everything will be all right. You hold him as tightly as you dare and place his head against the wet fabric of your shoulder and his right hand clenches the material of your shift tightly. The warm water continues to cascade over the two of you. You kiss the top of his head then his forehead and you can taste the soap and shampoo.
You raise his chin, look into his blue eyes - so full of sorrow. You gently kiss his lips.
“I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,” you say over and over.
His sobs start to quieten. You still hold him. You do not want to let him go and that is how Stefan finds you.
Stefan has grown concerned. You hadn't called and he is cursing himself for leaving you alone. He comes in on the pretext of bringing in two clean robes. He crosses over to you and you turn your head to him and he sees your face, he hears your patients' soft cries.
His expression is serious. He switches off the water and grabs several towels, leaving the robes by the door. He crouches in front of you both. You move away, slowly, so you can both wrap the towels around James and pull him up. He won't look at either of you and his head hangs, his face partially covered by his long wet hair. His right hand is clenched again, and his breathing is harsh.
“Come on, lets get you back to your room,” Stefan says quietly. He looks at you and with a corner of one of the towels he wipes away the tears staining your face. You did not even realise you had been crying. He then passes you a few more towels and a robe so you can dry yourself. You slip the shift off over your head, and pull the robe on.
You both work on drying the patient. He does not complain, does not move. You lead him nearer to the door and you pick up the clean robe, Stefan has chosen the softest so that the fabric will not rub against the patients cuts and burns, this is what makes him a good orderly and a good human being. You help the patient sit in the wheel chair.
Just before you open the door Stefan squats down in front of the wheelchair and speaks quietly to James in his best English. “There are guards outside. They cannot hear what happens in this room. It is between you and Freya and no one else. The doctors, they do not allow you privacy...but we do.”
He doesn't know if the patient has heard him or even realises what he is saying. He stands up and opens the door and then both of you take him back to his room. James does not say a word but you know, despite Stefans words, he is feeling ashamed. You don’t know how to make him realise he has nothing to be ashamed of. He looks so tired; the black bags under his eyes are even darker and you both help him get into bed. You spend a few minutes making sure he is comfortable but then when you have finished he rolls on to his side away from you both, drawing his legs up.
You and Stefan look at each other. Have you made things worse? Did you do the wrong thing? Have you pushed him to far? You just don't know. At the time it felt like the right thing to do but now you are doubting yourself - doubting your decision.
“I'll go grab some paperwork I need to do and come and sit with you for a while.” Stefan says quietly, “That way if something does happen there are two of us to deal with it. I'll just be a couple of minutes.” You nod and he leaves.
You don’t know whether to go and sit down or try to comfort your patient. You think you know why he has turned away from you and your heart could break. You move around to the side of the bed and pull up a chair so you are down at his level, then slowly you brush the hair out of his eyes until he realises you are not going to go away and he looks at you.
His eyes are bloodshot and you can see such a tiredness in them.
You lean forward and kiss his forehead and all the time your hand is stroking his hair.
“I hope you can hear me and understand what I am saying,” you whisper. “James, I don’t want you to be embarrassed about what we just did. There is so much I want to say to you but I can't. I'm not allowed. But please believe me - I am here for you and only you. I don’t know why they are doing these things to you and I am so very sorry but if you need me for anything and I mean anything I will help you. I am so sorry if I did the wrong thing, I just want to help you thats all.” Your hand strokes down his cheek and a single tear follows.
You lean forward again and gently kiss it away.
“Sleep now, I'll be here,” you whisper and you pull the covers higher so he will be warm.
His eyes close as he says something quietly, but you do hear him.
“Thank you.”
*
He stands under the warm water and feels so ashamed at how he smells and the fact he is having difficulty standing up on his own. He is sure the nurse and orderly only pretend they do not notice. The water is pouring over the wounds on his body and they sting; he tries to focus on the pain and not think about anything else but he can't.
They sit him down and she washes his hair. For a moment he tries to forget where he is and just concentrate on her hands and he feels his shoulders relax. She massages the shampoo into his hair and it is wonderful to feel such gentleness in his world. It is over too soon and they stand him up. He is able to hold more of this own weight now the water is reviving him.
The washing begins. She is wearing a white shift and the water moulds it to her body, he can see her shape, how she must look underneath and he feels something stir. The smell of the shampoo and soap takes away the awful smell of his own body and he wants to just relax against her, feel her warmth, hear her talk quietly, know that she cares for him.
She washes his hand and he curls his fingers around hers; they are so small and seem so fragile but they have a strength in them. He doesn't want to but he lets her hand go. He concentrates on the gentle but firm way she washes him, the feel of the sponge gliding over his skin. The warmth from the water moves into his bones. There are times when he feels he will never be warm again.
When she kneels down in front of him to clean his feet an image comes into his mind that he can't help and he has to stop himself from letting it go any further; if only he could have felt her hands holding him, her soft mouth taking him in. She stands and moves around to his side and for a moment he thinks the thought has become real; her hands are on him, she washes his buttocks and between his legs and then her hand moves and takes his balls and then his cock and he begins to realise what is happening. She is gentle and firm and he cannot stop himself.
The man Stefan, helping her, says something and he realises she has stopped but she does not remove her hand from him. He wants to cry out and beg her not to stop; he has so much pain built up inside him he needs a release of some kind.
They exchange words and Stefan leaves. He cannot stop himself from putting his hand on top of hers in case she moves it away, he is close, it would not take a lot. He hears himself beg her although the only word that comes out is 'please'.
She moves slightly and then continues to help him, her grip firmer and her hand moving up and down, stroking.
This is so wrong, to make her do this, he can't, he can't and he needs to stop it before it goes any further. He puts his hand over hers again but this time to move it away but instead she speaks to him, quietly. There is just the two of them and he lets go, lets her help him. Feels her hand, imagines her mouth, her body and he can feel the tenseness building up within him, his breathing is rapid, his heart pounding. Her hand continues, firmer, faster, that is all he can feel, nothing else exists but the two of them.
He feels himself get to the point where he is going to explode. His balls ache, burning hot, and he thinks again of her mouth. He wants to feel her tongue, to move against her, to...the feeling is immense and powerful and he feels himself explode in her hand. She doesn't stop or pull away, just murmurs softly and carries on until the last of his semen is all over her hand and dripping onto the floor of the shower.
Then as his heart stops hammering and the noise comes back into the room, the enormity of what has happened hits him and shame pulls him to the floor. Another dam bursts inside him and for the first time in a long while he lets go completely and weeps in front of her.
He feels her take him in her arms and she pulls him close to her and then gently rocks him, she would give him anything he needs, her voice gentle but so caring. He grips the material of her shift. He doesn't want to ever let go of her, he wants this moment to last and when it finally ends for his life to end with it, he doesn't want to go on any more, he is so tired, so close to breaking.
He feels her kiss his forehead and then she lifts his face and kisses his lips and she is crying too.
He hears the door open and the man comes back in and it is over. But it has given him a memory to cling to in the dark tonight, and maybe just for once it will stave off the nightmares.
They help him out of the shower and dry him with the towels. He keeps his eyes averted. When he is sat in the wheelchair the orderly talks to him, his English is heavily accented but he understands what Stefan is telling him but he still can't bring himself to look at him. What must the orderly think of him? He took advantage of Freya's feelings for him, what does that make him?
Back in his room they attend to his wounds; both of them are so careful, so gentle but with everything that has happened tiredness is closing his mind down and when they have finished he just wants to curl up in a ball and fade away. He moves away from them both and closing his eyes waits for them to pull him back but instead Freya comes around and sits beside him.
Her voice is soft and quiet but he can hear her. She strokes his hair and he looks at her, those eyes of hers, he could drown in them. She speaks to him and in her eyes he sees she is telling the truth, he is too tired to cry any more but one tear escapes and she leans forward and kisses it away.
He closes his eyes and sleep claims him but not before he whispers his thanks to her, he understands what she is telling him, he is not alone.
*
Later, Kristo is covering for you so that you can rest. Instead, you seek out Stefan. Your resolve is strong. He is surprised to see you but at your request agrees to find somewhere quiet to talk. He thinks he knows what it is you want. He has already promised you he would say nothing about what happened in the shower room, to anyone.
“I promised I wouldn't say anything about it Freya, I thought you trusted me." He sounds hurt.
You touch his arm. “I do trust you and I know you won't say anything. But I need to ask you something...a favour.” You take a deep breath and he frowns. “This is difficult,” you say “ but I have no one else I can ask.”
You have always thought of Stefan as being younger than you, but in fact you are both the same age.
He sees the difficulty you are having and tries to make it easier for you.
“I'm listening.” He has always liked and trusted you because you remind him of his sister, and he has grown fond of you. Whilst he is not sure he would risk his life for you he would try and help out if he can.
You swallow. You didn’t think it was going to be this difficult, but if you don’t curb your embarrassment, Stefan will be embarrassed and that will not help your cause at all. “I've, um, never slept with a man before...”
Stefan's eyes widen.
You continue quickly. “...and I need you to tell me how I can...how a man... how....Stefan, don’t look so terrified, I'm not asking you to sleep with me!” At another time the look on his face would be funny. You plough on as his shoulders relax.
“I need you to tell me what else I can do to help James out when I need to,“ you finish and you can see Stefan is a little stunned.
“By help you mean...”
You nod.
“You want me to tell you?” Stefan asks in a strangled voice.
“Well, I can hardly ask Lehmann, can I?” You sound exasperated, and for some reason you both find this funny and start to giggle. Laughter is a very rare occurrence in the facility. It is sometimes difficult to remember that you are two young people who should be out in the normal world finding these things out; but instead you have been made to grow up quickly and you are both in need of a friend.
“Well you didn't seem to have a problem this afternoon,” Stefan says drily.
“That was more luck than anything,” you answer ruefully, and Stefan looks at you for a few moments and then ducks his head.
“Well at least you know your way around the male anatomy,” he says. He purses his lips. “Just advice...not...” He checks.
“Just advice! I promise not to touch you.” You grin. You can't help it.
He is quiet for a few seconds, studying you. You see him make up his mind.
“You know about me, don’t you?” he asks you quietly.
You know what it is he is asking you.
“Stefan you mean a lot to me, you're my friend and if ever you need me I'm here.” You lean forward and kiss him on his forehead and he blushes.
“You're serious about this, aren't you?”
You nod.
“I want to know everything,” you say.
“Okay. Lets see if we can find somewhere to talk properly,” he sighs.
Quite a while later you slip quietly back to your room, slightly flushed but an awful lot wiser. You had no idea some of the things Stefan told you were possible. Your life has been unbelievably sheltered considering the last decade you have been spent around soldiers.
You think you understand most of what Stefan has told you. He was patient and tried to answer all of your questions and you think you have covered every eventuality. You even told him you think James may have had a male lover, and asked him how that worked. Stefan had floundered at that one until he realised you would do anything for this patient, anything at all. He found himself telling you things he has never told anyone else. He feels quite exhausted by the time you have finished.
Now it is all down to you.
*
After Freya left, Stefan sat for a while thinking about the necessity of the situation and how sad a place the world had become. He needed to stay here working - he knows the alternative is death - but working here sometimes makes him feel he is truly in hell.
He wondered if Freya realised just how much she was in love with their patient. He knows she knew him from before but not the full story but he had not been brave enough to ask her for it. One day soon he knows she will trust him enough to tell him, in her own time.
He realises that there are now going to be times when she wouldn't need his help with their patient in the shower room and he shakes his head. He would have to find an excuse if anyone asked him why he wasn't helping her - maybe he could take up smoking, use that as the excuse for leaving her on her own with him?
He dry-washes his face. The world down here is so fucked up that it's hard to think there are people above ground living normal lives, not knowing what goes on underneath in the dark places. He is getting more and more involved in what is happening down here. He has heard the rumours and is beginning to find Hydra is not just a research facility, it is so much more. If he and Freya are to survive then they would need to take each day as it comes and learn to adapt.
He is worried about the rumoured new team. They are using the lower part of the tunnels and no one is allowed down there. He knows it is something to do with the patient, the poor bastard. But he is also beginning to realise that he isn't the only one questioning in their own mind what is happening. Doctor Jakobs has started to take an interest in Stefan and has requested that part of his time is now spent working with him.
He has also noticed that Marinov is sometimes talking with Jakobs and when anyone comes near the two of them either break off conversation or increase their talk to show it is about work.
Jacobs has hinted a few times that there is serious work to be done.
And Stefan doesn't think Jakobs was talking about just the project.
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant