Adult-FanFiction.org : Marvel 'Verse

A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 104
- 105
Chapter One Hundred & Five
Bucky - What if?
&
The Winter Soldier - The End Journey

Bucky - What if?
It had taken Bucky so long to get his life back.
When he had first returned home, to the complex, he was frightened. Scared of his own shadow, petrified – not ashamed to admit it now. And in his mind he kept asking What If? What if I can't protect Steve? What if I can't protect Freya? What if Hydra come after me and I fail to protect those I love? What if they turn me again? What if I fall apart?
What if?
What if...?
He came to hate those two words.
He knew that he would never forgive himself for what he has done. Because how could he? How do you ever get over something like that? I murdered those people. The guilt is always there. I'm alive. I'm free yet they are not. I took their lives, I took their futures from them. He tries to bury it deep. Tries to clamp down on the moments of panic that threaten to engulf him.
Yet as time moved on he began to realise there were days he did not think about looking over his shoulder, or thinking about what if - but even that panicked him because it meant he was losing his grip, losing himself. I can't relax, I can't afford to. People depend on me. I have to protect them. I'm dangerous to be around. Freya and Steve watched him as he struggled, watched him pretend he is not struggling and they try their best to help but they know it has to come from him. They know he will never forgive himself but maybe they can help him to live with it, live with the memories that haunt him.
He found it difficult to respond to acts of kindness and friendship. Sam would pretend to try and annoy him, to get a sense of humour flowing. Nat would ask him to show her some of the Soldier's moves and they would end up training together. And then Tony...well, Tony made him an Avenger.
I don't deserve this. I'm dangerous. You cannot trust me. What if? His mind would not be quiet.
But everyone welcomed him into the group. Bucky smiled and laughed at their jokes. Then afterwards, he locked himself in the bathroom and threw up. I can't do this, you can't do this, his mind kept saying those same words again and again. What if you fail?
Then he realised, no. His mind wasn't saying if, it was saying when. When you fail. When you allow the bad guys to win, when you let them take everything away from you. I don't have the Soldier with me any more. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want...It would have broken his Captain's and his Constant's hearts to hear him.
Then he began to notice Freya growing paler. She wasn't well, he could see it in her eyes, see it in the way she was trying to protect him. When he and Steve were by themselves they discussed what to do. What if? The words began again. What if she's dying? What if its my fault? What if its because of what I did to her?
On the outside Bucky Barnes looked as though he was coping. He did everything he should. He went jogging with Steve and Sam. He trained with Natasha so she could get her own back (her words). He and Steve began to do up the farmhouse and all the time he was dying inside. He was petrified.
What If?
Then relief at the revelation that Freya was not sick. But even then his mind would not allow him to rest. Instead that night, whilst he lay between her and Steve he awoke, hot, panic making his heart thump inside his chest. His first thought. What if I can't protect my sons? What if Hydra come after them? What if I've passed degenerate genes onto my son? What if?
I should have died. They should have let me go.
When someone is that sick inside, it starts to change them. Something needs to happen or else they implode. Bucky Barnes may have had the serum inside him to help him live longer but his mind started to work against that. If I died it would be better, if I died I would pay back for all the lives I have taken, if I died I won't let anyone down.
And yet there, in the back of his mind, for the first time ever, another another thought formed. Small, just a little niggle. Instead of what if? there was I want - I want to be there for my son, for Freya, for Steve.
The catalyst happened when he least expected it and it freed him. He didn't expect that Hydra would be the ones to free him. His constant worry was that he would turn and run in the face of conflict. He didn't.
He faced conflict, and the thought to run never even entered his mind. The thought that he could not protect his loved ones did not even put in an appearance. Sitwell and his mercenaries threatened all that Bucky held dear and he saw red. Literally. Then they used the words, those dreaded Hydra words but they held no sway over him.
After that day Bucky was able to put what if behind him. He began to live again. Small steps.
He realised he would not run away; he would always fight. The Soldier had left him because he had been sure that Bucky could cope. He had made sure first he was up to the fight, up to his future. And as Bucky drew that blade across Sitwell's throat he knew he would do anything to protect - and not just those that he loved. He would protect the innocent. He would never need to worry again. He made a promise. He would pay back each life he had taken with one he saved. One by one.
Mind you, thinking back he remembers being absolutely terrified when Freya collapsed on the landing as she had gone into labour. What the hell was he supposed to do? Didn't they say you needed hot water and blankets. Or was it cold water and hot blankets? Any other time hearing strong language coming from her would have been funny but he hadn't known what to do or say. Thank god help arrived; thank god he and Steve were saved from - god forbid - delivering twins.
They had travelled with her to the hospital and not let her out of their sight. They had stayed with her during the births. She had held Bucky's hand so tight she had bruised him whilst Steve had told her to breathe. “What the hell do you think I'm doing?” she had yelled as another contraction had hit her.
Ten hours later they were all exhausted. Freya was asleep in the bed with two cots next to her, two sleeping babies – and a lot of stitches. Steve and Bucky were asleep in the chairs beside her bed, and that was how Sam and Janis had found them. Anita was there as well. “Trust you not to wait for the caesarian,” had been her opening words to Freya.
The babies. The twins. What can he say? Bucky looks at them now.
One as blond as Steve, always smiling. Chris had learnt to walk first, learnt to talk first, and god you had to watch him once he found his feet. He was interested in everything, so curious and he could already charm the ladies.
And then there was dark-haired Sebastian, who was so like James. Quite, with huge eyes that watched everything. He followed Chris everywhere. At first they could not get him to speak; Chris would talk for him. Then they realised he could talk, he just chose not to. He would eventually ask questions. He would study things and take things in. His conversations were serious unless he was talking with Chris. Chris would make him laugh, could always make his brother smile. The rare times Seb did make a joke were welcome.
It took them a while to fully realise how the serum had affected the boys. To look at, they were just two ordinary kids. They weren't identical twins, but you could tell they were brothers. Both were strong, rarely sick, and minor wounds would heal within hours. Chris could charm anyone, anything. He could fix anything, see how it worked just by looking at it. And he had a daredevil side to him. He would dive into anything and everything before thinking about it.
But Sebastian. How do you explain him? He had similar traits to his brother, but he looked at the world in a different way. He didn't just take things apart and put them back so they worked better as Chris did. He found new ways for the things to work. But what worried them at first was the nightmares he would have, both sleeping and awake. He could sense things - knew when they were going to happen. As he became older this became more apparent and the family adjusted accordingly.
Tony was pulling both of them into projects before they were old enough to wear long pants. One thing though that everyone would agree on was that the boys were loved by their parents. And that both boys would eventually fight side by side with their fathers. It was a given.
All that time Bucky had wasted on what if's? But then he would wonder. Was my time wasted? Time is what Steve and I seem to have plenty of. But that thought would make him think about Freya. She has serum in her blood stream but whereas he and Steve still looked as young, she was beginning to age; not at the rate like other women he knew but it was still happening. She would always be beautiful to him, but he could not make her understand that. She would always be Freya but he would find himself with a knot of panic in his stomach, I can't live without her he would think. I don't want to. Please god isn't there something I can do to stop it? Is there some way they could add my blood to hers? When these thoughts came to mind he would die a little more each time. His mind would try and turn away from the thoughts. Always at these times Sebastian would come up and just be with his father, often not saying a word. Bucky knows people cannot live forever and it is one of the things that haunts him. Over time he and Steve have started to lose friends. Not just to death but also illness, dementia.
Living forever was turning into being a cruel way to die slowly.
He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. He doesn't want to think of them, doesn't want to think of living without people.
He is supposed to actually be chastising the fourteen year old twins but he is instead watching them from the bedroom window. They are in the paddock with Chris' latest addition. Another dirt bike. Seb is sat on the fence watching and as Bucky watches he turns and looks straight into his father's eyes. He lifts a hand, waves and then twirls his finger next to his head indicating what he is thinking of Chris's riding abilities. Bucky cannot help but smile. The lads came home three hours ago, Chris on top of the world and Seb unable to lie. He had heard Freya confront them.
“Okay what have you been up to?” Because she could see it in their faces that they had done something. Chris had just shrugged but not before he smiled, ducked his head, his cheeks colouring. Seb of course had just shown them – proudly. Tattoos. Both of them had them done. On the top of the left arm a red star. On top of the right Caps shield.
“Why?” Freya had asked, upset that her boys were harmed and marked in that way.
“Because we love you,” Chris had said. It was usually Seb that came out with the wise words that would shut her up but this time it was his brother. There was no postulating, no excuses just a simple explanation and what could she say to that?
“I thought you being the sensible one....” Freya had turned to Seb expecting him to blush but instead he had walked up to his mother and kissed her on the forehead. Shut her down right away. Made her cry after they had left the room and Bucky had held her close. They had seen her scars, they know she is marked in the same way. They know it is James that scarred her. And Bucky knows every scar on her body and he knows he put them there – every single one. Yet she never mentions them, never even when they argue. He sometimes traces over each one when they make love, says he is sorry and she will always smile and tell him she is not. She would rather die from a thousand wounds than ever live without knowing him.
“Buck?” he hears her shout and shakes himself from his reverie. She shouts again and he replies telling her he is on his way. “Tell the boys it's nearly dinner will you?” she asks as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. She is warm from cooking and he reaches out and smooths her hair away from her face and she smiles. He leans in closer and kisses her gently on the lips, makes her laugh and she puts her hands up against his chest.
“Why do you always choose the most inconvenient moments to work your magic?” she says quietly looking into his eyes.
“Can't you just put it in the oven for a few minutes?” he asks, and then grins and she hits him gently.
“Mr Barnes, I do believe you are flirting with me,” and then she spoils the effect by blowing air through her bangs and making him grin again.
“Ms Bowman, I do believe you like it that way,” he says and she backs up a step her cheeks colouring and her eyes on him.
“Can't you two just get a room?” a voice breaks in and they jump slightly as if caught. Chris grins at them just as Steve would. Seb smiles and shakes his head in the background.
“Whats going on?” they hear Steve's voice as he comes through and now the hallway is getting a little crowded.
“Mom and Dad getting caught necking what else?”
Steve gently bats Chris around the head. “Then you shouldn't be looking, go wash up...” he growls good naturedly and winks at Freya. He follows both young men through to the kitchen.
“Later...” Bucky says to Freya and her face lights up and she hesitates for just a moment but then they hear the boys arguing with Steve and decide he really does need rescuing. After all the teenagers now have to admit to their other father about the tattoos. “I wonder what he'll say,” Freya says thinking the exact same thing as Bucky.
And in a Steve's voice Bucky mimics him. “Well, you know, I guess boys will be boys!”
He follows Freya through to the kitchen where Steve is just stirring a pot on top on the stove. The boys are washing their hands and he makes his way to the fridge, asks everyone what they would like to drink.
“I think the rice is done,” Steve says to Freya and they begin to serve up whilst Bucky and the boys sit at the table. During the meal Bucky looks around at his family; at what he has been given. What did I do to deserve all of this? How can I be so lucky? His mind reminds him: You carried on living and made your life mean something. That's what.
Freya tells Chris to tell his father what he got up to today and Chris proudly shows Steve the tattoos. Steve almost chokes oh his meal. Seb grins and then shows his.
After the initial shock they wait to see what Steve says.
“Well, you know I guess boys will be boys!”
Seb turns to Chris. “Told you that's what he would say,” and at the exact same time Bucky has turned to Freya and said the same thing. Like father like son.
“What? Steve says.
"I looked it up," Freya says. "The legal age for a tattoo to be done is eighteen unless they have parental consent and even then they have to be sixteen! So who did it? Hmm? They won't tell me. Are you trying to tell me our fourteen year old sons look like they are eighteen? Unless one of you gave consent and lied for them?"
Both men immediately shake their heads but Freya can see they are trying not to laugh.
"Mom, what can I say, we look mature. We got them by ourselves I promise," Seb says and she harrumphs but they know she is not really angry with any of them.
That night Bucky wakes from a nightmare. Nearly every night one of Hydra's victims follows him into sleep. Tonight it is the turn of a young girl whose only crime was to try and earn money for a better life; she was collateral damage to Hydra but to him she is now one of the many who talk to him each night. He gets up and goes to the bathroom and when he gets back Steve is awake and asks him if he is alright. Freya is fast asleep. Bucky scratches his head, runs his hands through his hair.
“Just my shoulder,” he uses it as an excuse. His shoulder is playing up, the metal making the skin sore.
“Come here,” Steve says quietly beckoning him and Bucky gets back into bed lying on his front and Steve gently massages the skin. Bucky closes his eyes and concentrates on Steve's hands, they are pleasantly cool against his hot skin. Freya turns over but they tell her there is nothing to worry about and to go back to sleep.
“You're sure?” she says sleepily.
“I've got him, its okay,” Steve says and within seconds she is asleep again. Bucky opens his eyes and looks at Steve who smiles gently. “I've got you, its okay, I won't let you go this time,” he says and it is a running joke. Steve means he will not let him fall ever again and sometimes that is just what Bucky needs to hear.
Bucky settles back down with Steve's arm around him, his hand on Steve's chest. His mind allows him to settle and they both sleep. No more images haunt him for the rest of the night.
*
The Winter Soldier - The End Journey
Fifteen years later - 2044
No one can know exactly what the future holds until it is upon them.
It has been a long summer's day. You push open the screen door and walk along the porch to the chair that Bucky and Steve bought for you when you first moved in all those years ago. The men are inside tidying up after the evening meal and you have left them to it.
Both Chris and Seb are home this weekend. Truth be told they come home so often you have never cleared their bedrooms out. Why would you? This will always be their home, will always be their sanctuary should they ever need it. They are grown men now with their own lives. Christopher is to be married next year, a surprise to you all because women love him and he is so outgoing but he has found the one. You can see it in his eyes. Sebastian is quieter, like his father, but there have been both male and female companions. One day he may settle.
Chris is more serious than he used to be, but he can still make all of you laugh. You haven't noticed a distinct change in Seb as he has always been serious, but you can see he is more confident in dealing with his abilities now. He has told you he has learnt to phase some things out, put them into the background whilst he gets on with day-to-day living. It helps.
The twins are based in New York at the moment helping out an ageing Tony. He had once told you he would never grow grey – never allow it - but he has grown grey. You all have with the exception of course of Steve and Bucky who may not look it, but mentally they have grown older. The twins are both part of the Avengers team, and both fight along side their fathers. It has been a while though since they were needed and you thank god every day for the peace and quiet in their lives.
You sit in your chair and put your feet up. You love this time of day. The evening is cooling off, it is dusky but you can still see across to the paddock and the sky looks so beautiful, criss-crossed in different colours. You notice for the fist time that the leaves of the trees are slowly turning, getting ready for the fall. Only a month more and you will need to wear a cardigan out here.
You settle back against the cushion and close your eyes. You feel so tired. You may only look like you are in your fifties but you feel so much older, and so are your bones. You ache all over and get cold so easily these days so you pull the blanket on the back of the chair down and slip it over your legs.
Everyone around you is showing their age. The Avenger team has changed because of it. Bucky and Steve still lead the group, but the others have taken on more background roles and tasks. The old hands are teaching the new younger Avengers how to fight, how to learn, how to understand people. The complex is still up and running but with new and different weapons, new people. After all this is 2044. The world around you has changed so much. You think about that number. 2044 - it sounds so futuristic. So much has happened in all that time and yet here you are still, sitting on the porch as you did twenty - thirty years ago.
You open your eyes when you hear the garden gate swing open and sit up on your elbow but the handrail of the porch blocks your view so you stand. A visitor at this time late in the day is unusual. You briefly wonder whether to call out to one of the men inside but then you see who it is and you relax. The sun glares as it is low in the sky but you'd recognise the man you love and cherish, anywhere. Strange, you think, Bucky was inside with the others. You shuffle to put your shoes on and then move forward and walk down the steps to be with him. He has stopped within a few feet of the garden gate.
“I thought you were inside with Steve and the boys, how did you sneak out?” you say and smile reaching up to run your fingers down his cheek. You look at him and realise he is in dressed in black. He looks so serious. “Are you on call out? Has something happened?” you ask, but Bucky shakes his head.
He catches your hand and puts it to his lips and you laugh. He still looks so young. You tut, you didn't realise his hair had grown so long again. It really needs cutting.
Over the years since the children had come along he has grown quieter, yet in some ways more like the Bucky Steve had known - less than the James you had. And of course the Soldier is long gone. Yet looking at him now, you can so clearly see the man you fell in love with.
He is studying you almost as if he hasn't seen you in a long time and you ask him: “What?”
“I...I always think I know just how much I love you and now looking at you I realise just...” and he shakes his head, those beautiful blue eyes seem to drink you in.
You take a good look at him. He really does need a haircut. You realise the jacket he is wearing is one of the old leather ones; he didn't bring a lot from his time with Hydra but that jacket has always been with him.
You put your hand up against his chest and he brings his own up and covers yours. He brings it to his lips and kisses your hand and then holds it to him. It has been a while since you shared his bed for anything other than company, because although both Steve and Bucky promise you it doesn't matter to them, you know you are getting older and it does bother you. Looking at him now you wish that is where you were, right now, in his arms showing him how much you love him back. You have missed the intimacy.
“You were always mine,” he whispers. You can see crows feet starting around his eyes and now his eyes looks tired, he hasn't shaved and the stubble is dark against his skin. “I have missed you so very much,” he says quietly and you realise his eyes are shining from unshed tears.
“Hey, I was only gone ten minutes,” you laugh and take your hand from his so you can put your arm through his so you can walk with him back to the house but he doesn't move. You hear the screen door open and you turn around and see Seb come out of the house.
You take a step forward but Bucky puts a hand on your arm and you stop. “You need to come with me,” he says quietly.
“Where to?” you ask slightly confused but smiling - well truth be known, flirting. He makes you feel young again.
You hear Seb's voice clearly. “Hey Mom, sleepy head you need to come in and stop the bickering.” But he is not looking at you. He is walking towards your chair and directing his words there. You see him stop. “Hey Mom,” he slowly kneels down on one knee. “Mom?” his voice is quieter now. “No, please no, Mom? Oh no. No.”
“Sebastian,” you call to him but he doesn't move.
Bucky's hand tightens on your arm as you see Sebastian lower his head, his hand resting on the shoulder of the person lying on the chair. The person is you.
You take your arm from Bucky's and walk forward. You can see Seb's face; it has paled and he is shaking his head. “No...no please....” You watch as he raises his hands and for a moment covers his face. “Please no don't let this have happened, please don't...” you hear him say and now you can see clearly what it is that he is looking at.
It is you. You are still in the chair. Eyes closed. At peace.
The Soldier walks up behind you and puts his hand on your arm again, turns you slightly. You have your own hands over your mouth and you can't take your eyes away from the porch, but when you feel his touch you look up. His eyes are clear now, blue. He can hear the distress in your voice and he steps forward and gently places his arms around you, you are still facing the porch.
“Its alright, he will be okay. They all will be,” he says. You turn and look at him and he smiles at you.
“I don't understand?” you say quietly.
“You need to come with me,” the Soldier says.
You turn back. Sebastian is standing now and you watch whilst he moves the cover of the blanket slightly then bends to pick your body up and into his arms. He cradles it to him and as he turns you see tears on his cheeks.
You turn back to your Soldier. “But...”
“You promised me...” the Soldier says to you. “...you promised you would always be here for me. You belong to me, you're my Constant. I've waited so long for you to come back,” he says. You see a panic in his eyes and your heart goes out to him. Your mind is beginning to realise, your heart beginning to recognise your Solider, your James. You put a hand up and stroke his cheek.
“It is you,” you say quietly, he sees your eyes widen, sees the recognition and you see relief in his eyes. And then you lean your head against his chest, his arms come up and around you and he holds you so tight, kisses the top of your head.
“It's time for you to come with me. They will miss you but I promise they will be alright,” he says as you gently pull away to look at his face again.
You turn back to the porch and both you and the Soldier watch as Seb carries your body back to the screen door and opens it with his foot and then he stops. Looks out towards you, and you know that see he can see you.
This son of yours has always suffered with feelings, always been so much more sensitive than his brother, picked up on things no one else can see. And now you know he can see you now or something he recognises as you.
“They will be alright,” the Soldier says to you again and he nods to Seb.
“But...” and you want to take a step forward, a step towards your son. Seb smiles but has tears in his eyes.
“I know its time for you to go with him. Time for you to be together again. He's been waiting for you,” he says to you. He nods back to the Soldier, tries to smile at you. “Look after her,” he says to James and then turns and pushes his way through the screen door. Then he is gone.
“But what about Bucky?” you say, and the Soldier nods. “He has Steve, they still have work to do but your job is done. He will miss you but he will be alright. I promise. You will see them again one day,” he says, and then puts his hand on your cheek, strokes it, his eyes looking at you so gently. “I need you. It's our time now,” he says and his voice catches.
You know this is your James. This is your Winter Soldier, who died when Bucky truly came back to Steve. You lean forward, you breathe in his smell, close your eyes and kiss him. Your kiss is returned, you can taste him and so many memories come flooding back into your mind. When you break the kiss and open your eyes he looks younger. The tiredness has gone. He reaches up behind you and pulls your hair braid forward. It never grew back to the length you had it when he first met you...but now it has. You look at your hands. They are smooth. You are close to letting go, to crying.
“I've missed you so much,” you whisper. And inside you feel like a missing part of your heart has been filled.
“I know. And I have missed you so much.” He takes your hand again. “Come on, we have a way to go yet,” he says.
You look back once more at the house you have called your home and it always will be. The light is on in the window and you know they are all in there but you know in your heart the Soldier is correct. They will be alright but it is his time now.
You look back at him.
“My Soldier; my beautiful Winter Soldier; my James.”
*
Sebastian comes out to see what is taking his mother so long. She is usually only out here for ten minutes but he has been feeling troubled about her all day. “Hey Mom. Sleepy head, you need to come in and stop the bickering.” but then he stops because he knows.
She is in her chair, feet up and eyes closed but there is a peacefulness about her that makes his heart beat faster, makes him realise that he was right to be worried. He crouches down next to the chair and feels for a pulse. There is nothing. “Please no don't let this have happened, please don't...” he says quietly but he knows nothing can help. Not now. He covers his face for a moment, breathes deeply and then he looks at her face again.
He stands, reaches down and gently picks her up. Cradles her to him as he walks back to the screen door. He uses his foot to open it and then turns to push his way through and that is when he sees them. The shades of the Soldier and his Constant stood close to each other, watching him. The twins know all about the Soldier, their parents have always been truthful and open about the past. Seb knows how much his mother loves Bucky with all of her heart, how she loves Steve, but he has also always seen, has always felt, the sorrow in his mother. He knows it is for her Soldier, her James.
The Soldier nods to him and he tries to smile to say he knows he will look after her. She looks so young stood there, they both do.
He can hear his brother laughing inside. He nods to the Soldier, tries to smile at Freya, to tell her she can go, that she is free. Then taking a deep breath he turns, and holding his mother' s body close, he goes back inside.

The End
- 104
- 105
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant