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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant	By : TheConstant1944 Category: Marvel Verse Comics > Captain America Views: 2391 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters. They are solely owned by Marvel and MCU. No money is made from this story.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
Chapter Ten
Care & Responsibility

Part One - James Barnes
The last few years have been difficult, and the mistreatment at the hands of the nurses and orderlies are affecting James' mind. He is kept constantly and heavily sedated, but with no morphine for pain relief, the nightmares he has fight to keep him from his memories. The sedative also lowers his emotional defences. After all this time, he is finding it more and more difficult to remember things, and so the things he does remember are precious to him. He tries to escape into the past, testing himself on what someone's name was, what he and Steve used do at the weekends, anything he can to get his mind away from here.
The orderlies are forever using their electric batons and he feels his whole body is covered in sores. He cannot move in bed as the straps are pulled so tight; in places they leave solid bruises and in some areas they chafe and break open his skin. It makes his very bones ache. He knows his body will repair itself, but he also knows there is no break from the damage and he doesn't believe he will ever be free of pain.
It has been his constant companion for so long.
There is also the smell. He had forgotten how degrading it was until the new nurse had cleaned him. It does not take long for him to get filthy again; he doesn't understand how the nurses can leave him like this, so dirty, covered in his own filth. It is as if it is some sort of punishment merely for him being alive.
He still cannot face the food they try and feed him, and when he refuses they resort to force-feeding. He cannot believe that the liquid slop is doing him any good - especially with what they add in, taking delight in his horror at it. His refusals give them an excuse to use the batons again for even more punishment.
And so he tries to escape in his mind...but so often now he only finds nightmares.
The only relief he gets is the time 'his' nurse is on duty with the orderly that helps her. He remembers her from the camp. Her hands are soft, her smile genuine, and she cries for him. He knows she does.
Images drift through his mind. Day by day he is losing more of himself, finding it harder to grasp memories, to know who he is. He knows now he gave up hope of rescue a long time ago.
Every day is filled by pain and misery, every day they plunge needles into his veins, into his muscles, filled with God only knows what.
But he can guess.
The same formula that Zola had used before to try and make him into their super soldier. Just like Steve. That thought makes him sick. He can feel the changes in his body. But he knows they also want to break his mind, if they do what will he become? What will they do with him?
Each day he prays that when he wakes he will find the one person who he thinks is on his side. The one who after each of her duties tears his soul by saying how sorry she is and he knows she means it. His condition makes her cry. She doesn’t know it but he waits for her now, and part of the fact she is there makes him feel some sort of hope. He is always so tired, so close to letting go but they won't let him, he wants to close his eyes and die. She is the only secret he has left and she has no idea how comforting that is, with her he can forgot Bucky and James and Steve. Her hands are gentle and he can close his eyes and listen to her voice, the familiar accent, the words from home and when she cries he feels her tears like drops of rain on a beautiful fall day.
Like everything else though that hope is slowly fading. He sees her less and less, until one day he realises it has been days since she was last with him - days since he felt her touch.
He feels his panic growing. Have they gotten rid of her?
Has she gone?
*
He knows from the moment he wakes it is going to be a bad day. The pain has woken him, that and the constant itching. He wants to pull his skin off. During the night he needed the bathroom and was ignored; he is lying in the cold mess, he can't escape from it; the straps around him tying him to the bed are cutting into his flesh and his mouth is so dry.
The nurse on duty swaps shifts and he is hoping for his nurse but there is still no sign of her. He hasn't seen her in so long, he has no concept of time any more. Have they sent her away?
Tears prick his eyes. No, don't let that happen, don’t take her away from me. She's all I have, please God.
He can smell the awfulness of his situation. He realises there must be no testing again as there is no way they could take him to the doctors like this; on days when they know they have to take him down for testing they clean him up by throwing him in a cold shower and using the hard brushes to clean him. All it does is reopen sores, wounds and creates new ones, the cold water chills his bones and makes his joints ache so badly.
The doctors never look beyond what they are doing. As long as they can hook him up to their machines and fill him with the serum, they do not need to look any further.
He tries to sleep, tries to move, it is like an army of fire ants have invaded the bed and he can't help but groan as the pain gets worse. The nurse gets up and goes over to pick up the food bowl just as the door opens and an orderly comes in, closing the door behind him and wrinkling his nose.
“How can you stand the stench in here?" His eyes water and he takes out his baton. The nurse looks at him sourly.
“He's decided to play difficult again. Won't eat, wasting valuable food, obviously not good enough for him,” she says sarcastically.
"Said I would help you feed him," he says and the nurse grins.
He walks over to James who begins to start to pray. Don't let him use it. Not today. Please not today.
But no-one is listening and he hears the buzz as the orderly leans over.
"No better than an animal huh?" he pushes the baton into James' collar bone, and the patient can't help but cry out. The orderly leaves it in place for such a long time he can smell his skin and flesh start to burn. The orderly grins and takes it away.
She fetches the bowl, it is the same bowl of food they tried to feed to him yesterday and the day before. He wouldn't eat it then, but they are determined he will eat it today. There is a bet on amongst the nurses; whoever can get the most food in him this week wins. There are five packets of cigarettes to be won, a new pack added every day and she is determined she will win and split the winnings with the orderly. These two work well together as a team.
The food stinks, rancid, gone bad; it has not dried out but is wet, slushy, mouldy. Just the smell of it is enough to make him gag.
“Oh no you don't,” the orderly says as James tries to move away. He moves over to one side and the nurse the other and they hoist him up slightly on the pillows but leave the straps in place, parts of his skin tears where the straps are so tight and they have pulled against them. The pain that goes through his body is bad, skin that has stuck to the bed clothes rips away and he wets himself again. He sees the orderly's mouth tighten.
"No, oh no, please," he begs them, no longer worried about how pitiful he sounds. Please don't let them start on me again.
The orderly leans in and moves onto the bed. He leans over James' chest, pinning him in place, and then the nurse goes to spoon food into James' mouth.
He is starting to panic, they are so close to him, he can't breathe and when he does the smell clings to his nostrils. His heart starts to beat faster. The noise he makes is heart breaking, mewing, he keeps his mouth closed and turns his head but that just earns him another touch of the baton.
"Please. No." The nurse shoves the spoon between his lips whilst he is begging, and he starts to choke. He spits it out.
"Oh for Gods' sake, look what the cretin has done!" Some of the food has hit the orderly, and he is furious.
He lets go of his victim and starts to brush the food of his uniform, then he looks at James. A really mean look. He lights up his baton and angrily moves the bedclothes away from James' legs; James whimpers, he can't help it, he knows what is going to happen, they have done this to him before.
He tries to say he is sorry but the orderly just pulls up the front of James' hospital gown and rams the baton into his testicles. You can hear the scream down into the next corridor as the delicate flesh burns. The orderly takes it away, satisfied that he has taught the American pig a lesson.
“Try again,” he says to the nurse.
"Hold him," she says and the orderly does, holding his nose to stop him from breathing until James has to open his mouth then the nurse shoves the spoon in as far as she can and down the back of his throat.
His eyes bulge and he starts to cough but they won't let him go; they are holding his chin up so he cannot spit the food out. He is choking, his ears are ringing and food goes into his nasal passages, he can't breathe. Help me please, someone help me please! Tears stream down his face. He is trying to bring up his arm but he can't, it is pinned down too tightly.
"Come on pig, eat your food!" They are shovelling in more of the mess, he is vomiting but they keep his mouth closed so he has to swallow. He tries to get up but the straps hold him firmly in place, tries to move but they are so strong he cannot. His panic has reached its pitch. He is not far away from suffocating but that does not stop them and then suddenly the nurse turns, her attention pulled away by something.
He can't see by what, he needs to breathe. Dear God let me breath! His head is ringing, he cannot hear anything, he feels his head is about to burst. Then the pressure is suddenly gone, and he opens his mouth trying desperately to spit the food out whilst trying to suck in air. Someone is helping him turn his head to the side, trying to release the straps.
James tries to turn his whole body. He needs to breathe. Food is dribbling out from his mouth and nose but a gentle, calm voice is telling him everything is all right.
He vomits, trying to breathe in between gasps, the taste of the food making him heave.
He feels his left side released from the straps and turns completely to keep retching, his right hand grabs hold of the person holding him and hangs on for dear life. His eyes are streaming, he can't see.
"Its all right, thats it, bring it all up. You're going to be all right." The voice is gentle, quiet and he is sick again. A beaker of water appears at the edge of his vision, he makes a grab for it, trying to drink.
"Slowly, slowly, thats it, not too much." The water floods his mouth and then goes down his nose and brings on another coughing fit. He is holding on to the nurse, his nurse, and he sees that he has vomited over her, down her uniform but she still holds on, still won't let him go.
His eyes sting and he can't look at her. He tries to say he is sorry and pull away but she won't let him.
"Its all right, there is nothing to be sorry for," her voice holds tears and that makes him sob. He becomes aware of other people in the room now. He feels her stroking his hair, pushing it back off his face and she rests his head on her shoulder quietly talking to him until he can breathe again properly.
What has he become? Why is this happening to him? Has he wronged someone so dreadfully in a past life? Or is this to be the end result of his deal with God? His hand tightens and will leave her bruised but he doesn't realise this, he just wants her close, doesn't want to let her go.
He hears two men talking, recognises the voice of the orderly who normally works with her and someone he doesn't think he has has ever heard before, but he doesn't want to look at them. Doesn't want to see the look on their faces when they see him. After a few minutes his grip lessens and she encourages him to lie back. He is grey, filthy, food and vomit in his hair, caught in the heavy stubble on his face. His eyes are red rimmed and finally he looks at her, she helps him lean back and he feels the support of the pillows.
The orderly is talking to another man, dressed in white like him but taller. The other man nods and then leaves the room and Stefan says something to the nurse and then leaves as well.
His nurse begins to take away the sheets and, suddenly without meaning to, she makes him jump. She has furiously pulled the top bedclothes off the bed and he looks at her, misreading her anger. She turns to reach forward and he believes she is going to hit him. He is not a coward, has never run from a fight but he can't help but back away from her as if she was fire itself. His eyes widen and his breath hitches. He watches her face change from anger to pain.
She speaks a few words in Russian, forgetting herself, and then switches back to English.
“Not you. I'm not angry with you. How could I be angry with you?" she says as she reaches out to him - but before he can move, someone else enters the room, demanding to know what is going on. Why she so rudely ejected the nurse and the orderly from the room.
It is one of the doctors. James recognises him and is ashamed when he sees the mans face. At how quickly he reaches for his handkerchief to cover his nose. His nurse steps away from the bed and the doctor looks at James - and what he sees shows as shock and horror in the man's eyes. James looks down, for so many people to see him like this, his left hand goes to pull something over him, to try and cover some of his shame. It is a moment before he remembers he has no hand, just a stump which moves pathetically.
He closes his eyes, hearing them talk in Russian and then she is talking to him in English.
“We need to get you cleaned up,” she says quietly. The doctor has gone.
He feels her moving closer again and she moves all of the bed clothes entirely away from him. Her hands are cool against his skin. The orderly called Stefan comes up on the other side of him and then they carefully move him to the side of the bed as the other orderly, brings up a wheelchair.
James can't help but groan. Raw patches stretch as he moves, and the orderly quickly places a soft towel on the seat of the wheelchair, leaning over to help move James on to it. The nurse and orderlies exchange words and then the bright light in the corridor hits him and he has to close his eyes. He has been taken to the showers before. He can't help but shudder, praying that they will show him more kindness, that the water won't be so cold it freezes his joints, that they won't use the hard brushes on his broken skin.
Don't let them be like that.
They get him to the room and close the door. The orderly has changed clothes and he looks away whilst the nurse strips of her dirty uniform and puts a clean white shift on, then a shower cap over her hair.
Stefan starts the water.
Both then help James out of the wheelchair and strip away the gown as gently as they can. He hears her indrawn breath when she sees the new burn marks. It stings as he feels the material that has stuck to areas teased away and he knows some of his skin has come away with it. He can feel both of them holding him firmly, they will not let him fall.
She takes another shower cap and uses it to cover what remains of the end of his left arm.
They walk him slowly over to the water, he hesitates but then he walks under it and it rains down on him, warm and inviting and James begins to weep again, he can't help it.
He has forgotten what kindness feels like.
He so wants to be clean. He needs to be human again he know it is going to hurt...but he needs this.
Whilst the man holds him, the nurse gently runs a sponge over his body. They are talking to each other but in English so he can understand them. For the first time ever he hears her name. Freya. He repeats it quietly to himself. It is important to him to remember.
His voice sounds strange to him when he tries to talk. He is not even sure he has spoken aloud, but they are listening. “I need to be clean. Please. I want to be clean. It doesn't matter if it hurts. Please. I need to.”
She understands what he is saying; that he is giving them permission to do what they need to. He fights to keep upright under the water. It is so warming and he is feeling so tired; it is lucky the pain is keeping him focused.
They fetch a chair for him and sit him down under the water. She disappears out into the shower room and comes back with a pair of scissors. She cuts out the matted parts of his hair and then trims it to just below his ears, then stands behind and washes what remains. He remembers her hands from when she did it before. It feels so good as she massages his scalp and for a small time even the pain starts to fade. His hair is so long, Steve would be surprised, he opens his eyes and he can see Steve in his mind and he feels he will never see him again. That thought causes him so much pain. He bites his lip to stop the sob that wells up. His emotions are so difficult to control these days.
It takes them a while to get him clean but when he is he can feel his body becoming his own again. He is so very tired now, and without realising he is leaning heavily to the side. They are talking to him and he is trying to take in what they are saying. They towel him dry and put a robe on him, they tell him they will dress him once they have seen to his wounds. They sit him down again and the orderly quickly shaves him.
They can see he is fading fast and they want to get him back to his room, into a clean bed. They put him back on a drip to get some morphine and liquids back into his bloodstream. He is given a beaker of water to drink, and when they can see the pain relief is starting to take effect they work on his wounds.
James feels their hands, even they cannot do what needs doing without causing more pain than the drip can block, but he bites his lip to stop from crying out. Then finally he is lying in the bed, they don't strap him down but encourage him to lay on his side to take pressure of some of the bed sores. He is so tired now he can hardly keep his eyes open and she tells him to sleep and promises to stay by his side whilst he does.
As he falls asleep he thinks he can smell oranges. He is suddenly transported to the Brooklyn dockyards and Steve is there waiting for him. They would go down there most weekends and find work to earn a few cents. There is one ship which used to come loaded with fruit and where, if they worked the full amount of hours, the captain would give them an orange each with their pay.
At the end of the day they would sit on the dock wall looking out over the expanse and tell each other what they were going to do with the rest of their lives.
For a short time he is home and he is with Steve.
*
Part Two - The Nurse
Over the next few weeks you are a dutiful nurse. When it is your shift you do just what the doctors tell you to do, hoping that you would have at least one shift every day, but it does not work out that way.
Sometimes you do not see James for days. Other times you are removed from the rota as the doctors want you there during testing so that you can translate. You try and tell the nurse in charge of the rota that you don't mind doing extra shifts but she does not trust you.
Word has got around that you care, and that will not do.
You have seen the extra burns when you know he has done no wrong. You try to hide as much of the morphine as you can, the others assuming one of them has sold it on. It is awful to see him in so much pain when there is none left for you to give him.
How can people do this?
You begin to turn up earlier for your shifts, encouraging the others to come late for theirs, and in between you spend the time trying to make things better for him. You're fighting a losing battle but you won't give in. You are like your father in so many ways.
You lose well over a stone in weight as you often find you cannot face food after your shift rotation. You are so sickened by what you see, by what they do to him; especially your fellow nurses and their treatment of him. The doctors simply do not care, their minds are always elsewhere.
You help dress and undress the patient. You stand by while they attach him to their machines. You rub the spots with antiseptic where they plunge needles into him, pumping God knows what chemicals into him. You dress the burns that are so bad sometimes they have eaten through his skin and tissue. You make sure you are next to him when he is in pain and you take his hand so he knows he is not alone.
They pump him full of sedatives and you watch as the sedative lowers his emotional defences and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You see how the nightmares drag him down, you try and calm him when he wakes sobbing calling his friend's name.
The less shifts you do, the more his wounds start to fester again, the further his hygiene falls and soon the bed sores are as bad as they were when you first started. The room becomes dirty again: messy, disgusting. You try and work with Stefan as much as you can because the other orderlies do not care, they are brutal, they want to play their game's with 'the Ameriknaskiy Svin'ya'.
You try and stop them from being so cruel and you find that the nursing staff and orderlies are watching you. They start to deliberately bump into you in the corridor. They accidentally knock over your tray in the canteen, move away from you when you go to sit down. Your things disappear, and without the empty containers you cannot get them replaced. Stefan steps in as much as he can but you have already told him not to. The last thing you need is for them to take against him as well.
This is personal. This is over James Barnes. And they find you are not going to give them an inch.
You pretend to try and feed him the mush they want him to eat. It is disgusting; the bowls in the room are always days old. Stefan helps you smuggle soup and other lighter meals, and covers for you as you feed them to James. You find that some of the guards, not just Marinov, are willing to turn a blind eye.
James hardly speaks, but there have been a few rare times when the drugs are wearing off and he tries to talk to you. Each time it is the same thing he asks, and it breaks your heart. He asks that you help him to die. Never to escape - he knows that is impossible - he knows he needs to die. It is his only option.
What can you say? How can you answer?
You have had to stop using his name as one of the other nurses reported you to Doctor Lehmann. He sent for you. It did not take you long when you first arrived to realise that Doctor Lehmann is the one to watch, the one to be wary of. He controls the other doctors. He is ambitious and any problems he will sort out with a permanent solution.
Usually a bullet.
You still remember the conversation in his office. It is the closest you think you have ever come to being marched outside, put up against a wall and shot. It was only through your promises to obey all rules and apologies for your error that you were allowed to stay on the project, allowed to remain alive.
He wanted to know how you knew the patients' name was James. You are not a good liar. You never have been. Thinking quickly, you circumnavigated the truth. “The first time I was in the main room, one of the doctors had a file open. It had the patients' name on there. I didn't realise I couldn't use it at all, it's just a way of me getting his attention.”
He believes you because he can believe it of the doctors. They are always leaving information about, taking no notice of who is around them because they get so absorbed in their work. He immediately implements a clear desk policy from then onwards.
You realised at the end of the dressing down though that Doctor Lehmann has another purpose in seeing you. He is German and wants you to teach him the English language. He wants to have an understanding of it so he will know that what you are translating is more or less correct. He has already noted you know other languages. He has seen and heard you answer the doctors when they forget and speak to you in their own language. He asks you how many languages you know and you tell him you know basic German and French, and have a working knowledge of Japanese.
He seemed impressed. You are clearly more intelligent than he thought.
“But It doesn't do to be to clever Nurse. Why did you learn these languages?” He is trying to get an idea of who you are, how you could be useful to him or more importantly, would you be a danger to the project?
You swallow. You are not a devious person but you feel as if you are walking in a mine field.
“My father teaches languages, and due to my mothers illness I was home-schooled. She is Russian and he is English so we spoke both languages in the home. He taught me a few more as part of my education.”
Lehmann looks at you and you feel as if he can read your mind, all your thoughts, see through you.
“We have Russian mothers in common...” he realises that he has said that out loud and adds “...but that is all, I think.”
He looks at you for a while. You can almost hear the wheels turning, almost feel your fate in the balance. Finally. “We will start with my lessons tomorrow, and then every day after that between 4pm and 6pm. Tell the roster nurse you will not be available during those hours.”
“What do I say I am doing?” you ask as he dismisses you.
“Just tell her we are using you for translating.”
*
When James asks you to help him die, you try to shush him before the guards hear he is talking to you and ask you what it is he is saying. You use it as an excuse to quiet him, but really it breaks your heart to hear him ask you to help him, knowing you can't, knowing you can't hurt this man you love. The disappointment in his eyes is gut-wrenching but you are a nurse. You have never killed. You cannot imagine doing harm to this man...yet, by keeping him alive you are hurting him more than they are.
The situation is agonising for you, and you have no one to talk to. What do you do? Maybe you can get him out of here, away from this place...but where would you start? You do not even have access to every place on this floor yet alone upper and lower levels, the building, the complex. Sometimes it is all your brain can do to function when these thoughts go through your mind.
How? Where do you start?
You are not sure if he does remembers you from before. You are never brave enough to ask him outright, never brave enough to talk to him about his time in the field camp. Sometimes when he catches sight of you you think you see recognition in his eyes, but you don’t know if that is just wishful thinking on your part.
Your feelings where he is concerned are all over the place. They colour everything you do and think.
You have spoken to him at their bidding - after all, the reason you are here is because you speak his language. His eyes focus on you and a crease appears between them. Does he remember you? He never indicates that he does but something makes you feel you are familiar to him. You're not sure he even knows why. There are days when he is barely conscious.
If he answers, you repeat what he says to the doctors in your own language and at these times you cannot meet his eyes as it feels like betrayal. The questions make little sense to you. They are all about how he feels when they have pumped him full of their drugs. Does this hurt, does that, if so to what degree. He is always so drugged up that half the time his replies don’t make sense. How is he supposed to concentrate? How is he supposed to answer their questions with lucid replies?
He asks you to tell him why they are doing this to him. Why can't they just let him die? When you repeat these questions to the doctors they get impatient, it is not what they want to hear.
You wait for the rare short occurrences when you are alone with him, and then you stroke his forehead and tell him you are so very sorry. He is always so tired, too exhausted in both his mind and his body. You treat his wounds, those inflicted by circumstance and those inflicted by the other staff, and you try to make things better but each day seems harder than the last.
On the days you are not on duty or translating for them, you spend the time trapped in the dormitory or canteen. There are no other places you can go. The others rarely talk to you. They make it obvious they do not trust you. Those days are long, drawn out, and sometimes seem more tiring than your duty days.
You know you need to do something about their treatment of him. You are biding your time, waiting until you have got a good foothold in the door with the doctors so that they will take you seriously and listen to what you say. There are guards everywhere and you are sure that if they found out you knew exactly who he was, you would be killed. He is too valuable to them for anyone to compromise him.
The doctors though begin to trust you. They like to use you more in the main room when the patient is in there. They use you for longer periods.
One of the orderlies disappears. He was sadistic and enjoyed the pain the patient is constantly in, keeping him short of morphine, making everything hurt more. You have rarely hated anyone but you find the capacity to, you hope the man is dead and buried and that before he died he knew what is was like to be frightened, alone and in pain.
The depth of your hatred for these people shocks you.
*
Doctor Lehmann has begun to realise that the new nurse has developed feelings for the patient and he calls a meeting. He thinks despite her usefulness they should get rid of her, that she could prove dangerous. He believes her loyalty is to their patient and not to them. Not to Hydra.
The others disagree. How dangerous could loving Barnes make her?
“Surely that just makes her work harder?” one of the doctor says naively.
They cannot decide if it is a good thing or not, especially because of something else they have noticed. The patient responds to her more than any other nurse. He is more likely to do what she instructs him to do, perhaps it is because of her English, which has hardly any accent. It makes life a lot easier for them.
They weigh up the good things about the nurse. Jakobs, Schmidt and Lehmann are German, Taffeteer French and Bezzina Russian, she can converse with all of them even when they switch languages back and forth. She has worked in the field and they see she is good at what she does, they never have to tell her twice.
She always takes responsibility for the patient, always stays by his side when they are doing their tests and when they hurt him she tries to calm him, helping him breathe, holding his hand, telling him everything will be all right. She knows how to work with them, what is expected of her.
No, they decide as a group she is too valuable to just throw away - yet.
She is unaware of it but they begin to watch her closely. The guards are told to keep an eye on her, although they do not know why.
Doctor Lehmann is annoyed, but for once he is overruled by the others. He is ambitious and wants this project to work for personal reasons; he means to climb to the top of Hydra and no one will stand in his way.
He will bide his time for now. The nurse is still useful to him at the moment. The doctors have found out about the English lessons and ask him about them. He tells them it is so he can monitor her. If she becomes a danger he will deal with her accordingly.
All the more important now with what they have learnt about her.
*
Your lessons with Lehmann are coming along well. He provides reading material for you to use, not that it is anything you can glean information from. He is intelligent and picks things up easily. You hate teaching him though; he is cold, ruthless and you do not trust him.
You want them to find you compliant because you have no intention of giving them any reason to get rid of you. Not because you do not want to end up in an lonely grave, but because you are not going to leave James to face the fear and pain alone. You caused this. You saved his life that day at the field hospital, and everything that has happened to him since then is your fault.
More weeks go by and you learn that the project is financed as part of a plan by the organisation called Hydra. It appears to be led by a scientist called Armin Zola, previously captive to the Americans but now working hand-in-hand with their scientists. You have heard tales of a man called Red Skull. He is now dead, and Zola has superseded him.
You also learn a small part about James Barnes' captivity in 1942, when Zola's team first chose him to experiment on as one of a group of captured POW's. It is beginning to make sense now; the unusual rate at which he heals is all part of the same plan, what are they turning him into?
You have not met Zola, but a steady dislike for the man is growing in you already.
You know it is not going to be long before something happens between you and the other staff. They are more aware of your concern for their treatment of the American. You start to get serious warnings, threats. The nurse responsible for the roster removes you completely from the rota. During this time you are not allowed on the floor as your name is not on the guards' list at the gate. You are refused entry and you despair. The only time you see him now is when translation is needed. You do not know whether to approach Lehmann about the situation but ultimately you decide not to. He is too dangerous to you.
Give them more time and the staff will begin to feed lies to the doctors about you, and one day you will simply disappear.
Then one day it comes to a head.
You have not seen James for over a week. There has been no testing as the the doctors were away consulting with Zola. They are back now and you have been told testing will begin again tomorrow and that your presence will be required. You use this as an excuse to head for the patient's room. Your name should now appear on the guards' list as personnel allowed through for this week.
You check the rota to see who is on duty and your heart sinks. They are two of the worst. You have heard about a bet on between all the nurses and orderlies: whoever can make the patient eat most of the slop this week wins a prize of cigarettes.
The guards confirm that you are on their lists and you are allowed full entry. As you approach the patients' room you hear loud voices and cursing coming from inside. You look at the two guards who are standing further away from the door than normal, but they keep their gaze averted. The door is pushed closed and you look at them but they won't look at you, so you open the door and go to enter the room.
The scene that meets your eyes is disgusting. The smell in the room makes your eyes water. You know now why the guards have taken up their posts further down the corridor. The nurse and the orderly have James strapped tightly to the bed, his head up on pillows. The orderly has one knee on his chest and the nurse is force feeding James the mush. It is obvious he does not want it. The orderly has his fingers pinching the patient's nose closed so he has had to open his mouth to breathe.
The nurse is deliberately shovelling in spoonful after spoonful and you can hear the choking sounds as he is unable to swallow it. To further encourage him, the orderly is using the electric baton and searing it into any spot of bare skin he can find, including the end of the stub of his left arm.
As they do all of this to him they are berating him, calling him names and you can see that both the orderly and nurse are enjoying it. The noises he makes are over-whelming, pitiful, and you feel your hatred surge up. They haven't heard you come in and your immediate thought is to rush and stop them, but you realise you cannot do it on your own, you need help.
Quietly and quickly, you back out of the room and summon one of the guards who comes over reluctantly. “Go and get Stefan and Kristo please.” You keep your voice level and quiet. Kristo is an orderly whom Stefan knows and who works in a different part of the underground complex. The guard looks as though he is going to argue with you but one look at your face tells him not to.
You quickly slip back into the room and this time the nurse hears you. She glances your way as you approach the bed, spoon held in her hand the last of the food slopping over it and onto the bed clothes.
“Get out,” you say. Your voice is low. You cannot see James' face as it is blocked by the orderly but you can hear the choking sounds. The nurse frowns at you, stopped in her tracks by the sound of your voice and the words.
You don't stop. You move around to the side the orderly is on. He turns to you and grins.
“Dirty animal, huh? We win the bet,” he says and without hesitating you move forward, grab him by the lapels of his shirt and push him backwards. You grab the baton out of his hand as he falls away from you. It unseats him and he falls off the side of the bed, almost knocking the nurse over.
“All bets are off,” you growl.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” the other nurse shrieks, helping the red-faced orderly up.
“Get out now. Get out before I kill you.” You lean over, helping James turn his head to the side whilst working to free one of the leather straps. “Its okay. You're going to be okay,” you say to him in English.
When neither of them move you look at them and they later swear blind they could see murder in your eyes. You grip the baton hard. You have never used one before but you are sure they would be easy enough to figure out.
“I said get out!” Your voice is louder this time, and as the orderly goes to move towards you the door opens further and you are relieved to see Stefan and Kristo. They take one look at the scene and Stefan nods to Kristo to get them out. They are herded away complaining about the “stinking animal not eating his food, and just who does she thinks she is?”
You throw the baton down. Your total concentration is now on your patient. You continue releasing his right arm from the restraints. He is trying to turn over more and rise from the bed. The smell coming from him is terrible. You keep talking to him quietly, calmly telling him he will be all right whilst you release the straps. You must not let him panic any more than he is. Stefan is releasing the straps on the patient's left side which are holding down all that is left of that arm and his legs.
When free, James grabs at you with his right hand, hanging on to you for dear life.
You pull him towards you and he vomits out what is choking him, as well as whatever they have been forcing him to swallow. You are in the way and it goes down the lower front of your uniform. The slop is in his hair and down his chest, caught in the heavy stubble of his face, all over the bed sheets and pillows. You remain holding him and talking to him in English. His hand grips you so tightly as if he is frightened if he lets you go you will disappear.
“Thats it, get it all up, come on. You're going to be all right.”
He is still coughing. You know it is in his nasal passages and there is still some to come up. Stefan has fetched a cup of water which he hands to you, and you offer it to James to drink to help rinse out his mouth. It should help him to breathe easier.
Stefan tells Kristo to get hot water, a bowl and lots of flannels. He had seen what it is that is causing the terrible smell in the room as you turned the patient over, and he knows you will go ballistic.
The nurse on duty, Nurse Richter, had been on since 8am. It is now 3pm. In all that time she had not done anything other than force-feed him. She has left him to lie in his own faeces and urine. His gown is soaked and crusted. Stefan also knows which nurses were on the previous shifts and knows they will not have done anything either. They have left him for nearly three days without changing him or taking him to the bathroom.
You are still holding James, trying not to be sick with the smell of the vomit and whatever else is in the room. You realise he is trying to move back and you help him.
He tries to look at you but he can't meet your eyes.
“I'm sorry,” he tries to say.
You gently touch him and move his hair back and then you hold him close. He resists at first; he doesn't want to get you any dirtier but when he realises you are not going to push him away he gives in and clings to you. He raises the left stump of his arm and you see the new burn mark. The flesh has fortunately been cauterised by the burn but it has burnt away some of the stitches. You will need to see to it. You gently place your hand under it to hold it before he can snag it on something. Your heart goes out to him. His breath hiccups from the vomit and the tears he is trying not to sob.
The hatred and anger at what has been done to him burns deep inside you and you feel it wanting to bubble to the surface.
Kristo returns with the items requested, but Stefan now knows they will not be enough. He sends him back out for the wheel chair and beckons you to come around to his side of the bed. You have already guessed. The smell is making your eyes water. You encourage James to lay back down, promising him you are going to help him, you know how filthy the bed is but a few more minutes in it isn't going to make a difference.
You talk quietly with Stefan and he leaves. He is going to fetch you something clean to wear and to advise the guards you will be taking the patient to the showers.
You are so angry. If anyone else was with you, the doctors, the other nurses, even Zola himself you would strike out at them, consequences be damned. You want to kill them. You hate them all so much you could scream. You have never felt such an anger before and you have no where to vent it, so you bottle it up inside.
You begin to strip the bedding covering James' legs off the bed and throw them angrily into a corner, you then lean over James, meaning to ask him if you can look at his left arm, but he scoots back. He has never done that before. He has always trusted you. It is because he has seen the anger in your face, in your eyes and in the set of your mouth. You realise he thinks you are angry with him. The anger floods away for another time.
You put your hand out. “No. Not you. I'm not angry with you. Oh my God, how could I be angry with you?” He hears the tears in your voice, but his eyes are wide and you see his fear.
Before you can do any more there is a commotion outside in the corridor and Doctor Jakobs comes in, angry at the situation he is having to sort out. The nurse and orderly have gone straight to him about your treatment. It is lucky for you that they could not find Doctor Lehmann. The smell in the room stops him in his tracks and he tries to pull a handkerchief from his pocket so he can hold it over his nose. You know why he is here and you stand up and move back so he can see the entire state of both the bed and of your patient.
He looks at you. What he was going to say frozen in his mind as he takes everything in.
“Come and see me later,” he says gruffly.
“I intend to,” you say.
You move back and tell James that you are going to take him to the shower room to clean him. You try and remove some of the vomit from his gown but in the end you have to give up. The gown is too encrusted, to filthy, it will join the pile of things to burn.
The doctor leaves just as Kristo returns once more with the wheelchair, Stefan just behind him. You ask Kristo if whilst you are out of the room he could remake the bed and clean the room. You have only ever spoken with him a couple of times because he does not work in this area. They use him on the other floors; although Stefan met him when he came to help once to clean up the main room after testing and they were short staffed. You know this is the person that was able to supply the phenacetin. Stefan explained Kristo does not pilfer medical supplies but swaps things with the soldiers on the camp. More of a wheeler-dealer than a black marketeer.
You couldn't help but like him when you first met him. He is also six foot five and handy in a fight. He has only ever seen the patient once before but that was from a distance. He has heard the rumours and seen the leftovers from the experimentation, but he had no idea that a human being was being treated this badly.
You can tell he has been sickened by what he has seen today.
After giving James another beaker of water to drink, you and Stefan move him to the wheelchair, Kristo comes over to help. You then strip everything remaining off the bed and throw it in the corner.
“Can you see if you can get another mattress as well? I'm sure one of the guards will help you, they know where they can get one from.” You then indicate the pile of bed clothes in the corner. “Can you also burn all of those.”
He nods, and you and Stefan take your patient to the shower room, followed by a guard who is trying not to react to the smell. The guard waits outside as you take your patient in. He knows he will not be required to help. He can see how grey faced the patient is, there is no danger at all.
Stefan has already put clean towels, robes and a smock for you in the shower room. Whilst you quickly peel off your dress, Stefan starts the water, ensuring it is warm. You put a white shift over your underwear, and a shower cap over your hair. It takes too long to dry your hair otherwise. Stefan has already changed into white tee shirt and shorts. You asked Stefan to bring two shower caps in and you take up the spare one and some strips of cotton wadding.
“We need to remove your gown. We'll try not to hurt you. Let us know if you want us to stop,” you say.
James closes his eyes and swallows, then you see a small nod of his head.
You both stand the patient up, holding him on both sides and then gently and slowly remove his gown. As the material peels away you hear him whimper and for a moment you close your eyes. Skin and tissue have come away with the material and the bed sores you thought had almost healed last time have reopened. He is bleeding. They have also have burnt him in the most delicate of places.
You hear Stefan swear under his breath.
Before you do anything else you tear the sides of the cap and then place it over his left stub, tying it in place with the cotton strips. It isn't perfect but it will help keep the running water and soap away from the open end.
As you encourage him to walk to the the shower you feel the patient tense up when he gets nearer to the water. “The water is warm, it will help you relax, we are both here, we won't let you fall I promise.”
You guide him to the shower, talking quietly and gently to him. He hesitates slightly and then lets you stand him under the warm water. His tense body starts to relax when he feels the warmth of the water.
“I'm just going to clean some of this off, let me know if you want me to stop and I will.”
Stefan holds him whilst you gently run a wet sponge over his body. You want to clear away as much of the mess as you can so you can see the damage done. It is worse than you thought. Parts of his buttocks, genitals, and the tops of both legs are rubbed raw. Some of the skin left is sloughing off and you gulp. For a terrible moment you think you are going to be sick.
Your anger starts to resurface. How dare they do this to him, how dare they, he is a human being, not an animal, how much more does he have to go through.
“Freya?” Stefan asks.
You turn to face him and try to keep your voice light but you shake your head no. “I think we are going to need to use the creams and dressings. I can't use the soap because it will hurt too much and I don’t want to get any more infection in there.” You speak in English for the sake of your patient, and Stefan can follow most of what you are saying. You have been teaching him English, unbeknown to Doctor Lehmann.
You both look at your patient. He is trying to speak to you with some difficulty.
“I need to be clean please, I want to be clean...it doesn't matter if its painful. Please. I need to...” his voice is hoarse. Not just from vomiting, but from the little use he has for it.
“I know, I understand,” you say, your voice thick. “This will hurt a bit.” You realise what a stupid thing you have said. Everything anyone ever does to him hurts him one way or another.
He nods. His eyes are open and although they are not clear you can see he is fighting to keep steady.
You fetch one of the shower chairs and heap towels on top of it, then bring it over and put it under the water. You both lower him onto it.
“Lets start at the top,” you say.
“And afterwards, I will shave your face. No stubble. You should always have a man barber and not one of these ladies.” Stefan's English is understandable, and he smiles at him, pats him on the shoulder.
James tries to smile back. Stefan notices he is leaning over to one side, and without the patient realising, he moves him gently back into place.
You are going to shampoo his hair but some of it is so matted again you know you cannot get the dirt out so you fetch a pair of scissors and cut away the worst patches, and then you cut it to just below his ears. You then start to shampoo his hair. You massage his scalp gently, knowing it can aid in relaxation. When you rinse the hair you make sure any of the soap goes over the back of the chair and not down onto his skin.
Afterwards, the chair is removed and Stefan helps hold him whilst you wash the parts of him you feel you can use the soap on. The water has softened any stubborn mess and you gently remove anything left, taking care not to touch the raw patches unless they have caught some of the dirt. You are aware that urine has soaked into these patches and you fetch some of the lint Stefan brought with him. Soaking it in just water, you very gently pat the areas. You can tell from the tenseness in his body how much it hurts but he doesn't make a sound. You can already feel the extra heat coming from Zola's serum and for once you are grateful for it because it will help the healing process. Without it, some of the wounds would never heal.
Afterwards, whilst Stefan dries himself and changes, you towel dry the patients hair and then you both work on patting his body dry, being careful around the raw edges. You also remove the cap from his left arm and gently clean the area. You know the new burns will need dressing. You put him in a robe, you can't dress him yet until after you have dressed his wounds. You can see the tiredness in his eyes but he is still trying to remain focused.
Stefan dries off the shower chair and brings it over for the patient to sit on again. Whilst you get dry and change into a clean uniform Stefan had brought along for you he quickly shaves James, talking to him in broken English. His lessons are coming along but he still has a way to go. James is too tired to talk but he does nod and at one point tries to smile again, but it is such a rare feat. Almost as if he has forgotten how to.
You clean off the wheel chair and when Stefan is finished you both take him back to his room. Whilst there is still an underlying smell you are amazed at its cleanliness. Kristo has done well. He has found a new mattress and some of the guards have helped him clean up the room. Whilst they do not normally take notice of what happens around the labs, they are aware of what the American has been put through and some part of them is ashamed of the treatment. This is the only way they can help without showing they care.
Kristo has found a bowl, four oranges and a lemon from somewhere. You can't remember when you last saw decent fruit. He beams at you, but then sees you are confused. How do you tell him you can't feed them to the patient? They would be to acidic for his stomach.
“It will help with the smell,” he whispers before you can attempt an explanation. He proceeds to tear them apart, he then puts them in the bowl on the bedside table. And he is right; now all you can now smell is oranges and you realise his heart is in the right place.
You get your patient back onto the bed and you start the drip, then add the morphine from your secret stash. You need to get liquid and pain killers into him as soon as possible. You help him have another drink, having to hold the beaker as his hand is shaking so much. You know he is so close to falling asleep, his eyes are nearly closed already. When you see the drip has started to take effect, the three of you work quickly on treating his wounds, dressing him and making him as comfortable as you can.
You don't put the straps in place, you encourage him to lie on his side as you did the last time. You also tell him he is safe and you will not leave his side. The part about being safe is most probably a lie but for now he is not to know and if it helps him sleep peacefully then you don’t mind telling it. You will remain with him tonight, nothing will make you leave his side. You have had enough. The war ends here.
Before his eyes close he tries to smile again.
“I can smell oranges...” he mumbles quietly.
He closes his eyes and you wonder what memories the smell of oranges will carry him away on.
- 9
- 10
- 11
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A Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Fic - The Constant