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Reviews for Heated Passion

By : Youkokanna
  • From RogueMudblood on February 02, 2013

    You certainly have a creative idea for an interlude between these two. I would like to bring a few things to your attention, though.

    You have a lot of run on sentences. For example, this paragraph:

    He smiled sucking at her sex for a bit, and by then had her shivering and begging for more as he smiled and kissed back up to her body and placed another kiss on her lips letting her taste the sweetness of her sexual juices as he stroked himself to get ready to enter her.

    That should be broken into numerous sentences.

    He smiled as he suckled at her sex. He quickly had her shivering, begging him for more as he moved from her core. Kissing up her body, he smirked as she mewled and stroked her fingers through his hair. As he reached his full height, he placed a kiss on her lips, letting her taste the sweetness of her juices. One hand left her supple form to pump his own arousal.

    Not only does breaking it apart in sentences help the flow, but it allows you to add more description, drawing your reader more fully into the scene.

    If you don't have a beta, you might consider setting aside a piece for a day before posting it so that you can give it a read-through. You would be surprised at the number of mistakes you can catch yourself by doing this. I do highly recommend betas, though. They can help you to polish things like this so that your writing is developed to its fullest potential. You can peruse the forum here for those offering their services:

    http://www2.adultfan...-become-a-beta/

    You might also want to watch relying on auto-correct to help you spell things, especially character names. Several times, you have 'rouge' in your story when you mean Rogue, changing it from the character to a color.

    I would also suggest that you do a little research on pregnancy, including how it occurs and how long sperm can survive in the female body. The depth of penetration in no way is a determining factor in this process.

    You might also consider researching male arousal, especially with regard to ejaculation and multiple orgasms. Without chemical aid, Remy is just as subject as any other mortal to deflation after ejaculation. While he certainly may have a low refractory period, he would still have one, though foreplay during his recovery time would certainly keep Ororo prepared for continual penetration.

    It would also be a good idea to be aware of the environment in which you've set your characters. You have the two of them in a lower-level room with no bed. Without describing how, you have Ororo standing one minute, and laying down the next.

    You do have an interesting idea here, and with a little polish, it could certainly be a good story.

    Happy writing.
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