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Reviews for The Hidden Truths

By : annie6798
  • From ANON - Anon on May 26, 2013
    Why would you categorize this under MariexLogan? I don't have a story; end it however you want. Just because I'm a Rogan fan doesn't mean it isn't a good ending. BUT WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING CATEGORIZE THIS UNDER MARIEXLOGAN?!
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  • From KMac on October 17, 2007
    You have an interesting story that's trying to get out, but you writing skills are holding it back. I mean all this constructively, and I hope you take it this way.

    First of all you should familiarize yourself with this site: < http://www.sfwa.org/writing/turkeycity.html > it talks about problems in writing, and you have a lot of the problems listed. (These people know what they're talking about, this is the web site of the professional Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America authors guild.)

    Specifically: A few years ago, the AFF site database was corrupted and random words in the middle of sentences merged causing errors. There's still a lot of that uncorrected here. See this example in chapter 1, second paragraph: "and giving her goose bumps, al hel helped her relax", 'it', 'all' and 'helped' were mangled together, but you can't find this sort of thing except by closely reading your own stuff and fixing it. (Also in chapter 6 "Marie eagerly returned itappiapping her arms" (it/wrapping), and "and inched hips ips closer to his ear" (her/lips). It just needs editing.

    You have homophone problems like many of us. Your writers note, chap2, you said "bare with me," (bare=naked/reveal) when you meant "bear with me" (bear=carry/wait/or the animal). Chapter 6, was pretty good, but the second time you wrote 'grinded' I rolled my eyes, which was probably not what you were going for. Past tense of grind is ground. And in the lemons of chapter 6 you have her 'withering against him' and I have no clue what you're about there. Did you mean shudder? Wither is only a verb when you're talking about plants and stuff drying up, that's the only way you can have something that's 'withering'. "The plants were withering from lack of water."

    You have 'Said' Bookism, and Tom Swiftism (see the lexicon), pretty badly in chapter 7. See, in the course of a few paragraphs, you have these examples. "Marie said glowingly", "Marie replied eagerly", and the flat out funny (and I don't mean funny haha but funny ridiculous) "Marie uttered lusciously". A simple 'said' is invisible to the reader, and while the writer may feel it's boring to write 'said' all the time, it's in the best interest of the story to use it 90+% of the time. Sometimes I add in something extra, but rarely. Also in chapter 7 you undo all that you did in chapter 6 by having it all be a dream which seems like cheating the reader to me.

    It also seemed to be a giant middle finger to the readers to start chapter 8 like chapter 6, then break the expectation. And chapter 9 is just salt in the wounds. The story doesn't belong in the Logan/Rogue section. I had a story moved by the management recently, but I can't argue with it's new placement. Yours was misplaced. You should be able to put it where it belongs by editing the details. (Reminds me of a Harry Potter story, where he and Hermione were trapped in a void and 'got together' in a real and touching way, but when they got out, she went back to Ron... the Harry/Hermione fans hated it, and demanded it be moved to the Ron/Hermione section.) Things like this matter to people.

    I again hope you take this constructively, even though I didn't pull my punches. I almost didn't write this but I thought that the smooth spots indicated a talent that could be helped.
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  • From ANON - Anon on October 23, 2005
    Wow, so ending was really unexpected. What the hell, what am I saying? Actually it really sucked. For me, I guess - cause I'm a Marie/Logan fan, eh. But I guess if you like ole Jeannie, it would've been great. But, then, you wouldn't be reading the story if you did, since it was based on Rogue, except for the last chapter, which was quite short. Does Logan really expect Rogue to still be friends with him, when the thing she wanted most is denied from her? Riight. Umm, but yeah, nice.
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  • From ANON - fuzzybluelogic on September 08, 2004
    Excellent story. Very well written.
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  • From ANON - Jade on August 31, 2004
    Very nice story! I like the way you went about Marie's meditation sessions... very interesting. I know I'd love to hear what else you have in mind for the story!
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  • From ANON - Foof 76 on August 22, 2004
    I really like how this has started, but please update soon!! And definitely get to the good stuff!!! Keep up the good work!
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  • From ANON - Foof 76 on August 17, 2004
    Please update this!!! I absolutely love Logan/Marie fics, and this is starting out nice. Please update soon and get to the good stuff!!!!
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