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Reviews for Home Alone

By : PomegranateQueen

From Nathalia on September 02, 2007
I read the second chapter, hoping for improvement from the first, and can now honestly say that I haven't been this disappointed with a follow-up chapter in a long time.

You have Rogue lying on her bed feeling guilty, then having sex with Pietro AGAIN as soon as he enters the room, despite reservations about having unprotected sex with the 'most sexually active boy in Bayville'.
Also, may I ask why Professor X has yet to find out about the group orgy two weeks ago? The Professor is one of the most powerful mutants on the planet, and certainly the best telepath. He probably keeps a general awareness around the Institute to make sure there is nothing bad happening (ie. unsupervised Danger Room, mutant-powered free-for-alls, anti-mutant attacks...) If he felt even a sense of all the guilt that Rogue is apparently feeling, he would have her in his office demanding an explanation in seconds, if he didn't probe her outright. Allow me to point out that only super-mutant Apocolypse has ever been able to resist Xavier's mind-probe.

In addition to this, Logan has enhanced senses, not just hearing. He would have smelled what had been going on as soon as he walked in the door. Phermerones are hard to miss, no matter how well you hide the evidence, and Logan could also probably smell the guilt that Rogue is apparently radiating.
Furthermore, Logan can probably hear what is happening on the other side of the mansion at any given time, and the Professor probably soundproofed Rogue's room enough that it wouldn't disturb the other students, but not enough that Logan wouldn't be able to hear if things got out of control. Even without Rogue yelling, how has he failed to notice (Smell or hear) Pietro? The boy isn't what you would call subtle.

Rogue and Logan seem to have a very close relationship, and you write as though Rogue is having nightmares on a regular basis. If this is the case, Logan is likely to be keeping a close eye on Rogue, especially taking into account that it is pretty much impossible for Logan not to have noticed that something happened when Rogue was home alone. He also would have beefed up security so that no-one could get in undetected; super-speed, flying, or otherwise.

Also, your sex-scenes have not improved.

Again, take this down and go over it. Please.
Vanerina
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From Nathalia on September 02, 2007
Where do I start?

Well, lets go from the top.

First of all, it would be nice to have an explanation of why Rogue is the only one in the mansion. From what I've seen on the show, Xavier always tries to have at least one adult behind at all times. Even if everyone went to the movies or something, it would still be nice to have an explanation.

Second, Rogue is a Goth, and would therefore not be caught dead in something like daisy dukes. Also, she seems to cover up even when there is slim to no chance that she will come into contact with someone. Has she gained control of her powers? If so, how?
She has also stated at least once that Kitty has horrible taste in music that she would never listen to of her own free will. There is no way that she (or any Goth, for that matter) would be listening to Sir Mix-a-lot or the Princess of Pop or anything similar. Try to keep things in perspective.

Third, What are the Brotherhood doing there in the first place, and how did they not set off the alarms? The Xavier alarm system is somewhat hard to miss, especially when someone forces entry or sneaks in over the wall, so don't try something like, 'Rogue was in the shower'.

Fourth, while I admit that the Brotherhood drooling over Rogue is somewhat in character, given that they are hormonal teenage boys, we are led to believe that Tabitha has spent some time fending for herself on the streets, and even if she hadn't, she blatently flirts with any number of the male characters in X-Men: Evolution. She would not be confused over why the boys are drooling.

Fifth, saying that all 'southern gals' know how to use their 'feminine wiles' is a generalized exaggeration. I lived in America for a while, and one of my best friends was from Louisiana. She was also one of the shyest people on the planet, and it was all we could do to even get her to say 'hi' to a boy. Comic-Rogue may have dressed that way a lot, but this is Cartoon-Rogue, who prefers to cover up and has only shown any sexual interest regarding Scott, and possibly Gambit. She certainly doesn't flaunt herself.
Also, remember that the X-Men are teenagers in the show. If it has been several years since Rogue has practiced these 'feminine wiles' she would have been about twelve the last time. Destiny may be visually challanged, but I don't see that happening, seeing as the pre-cog helped raise her from age four.

Sixth, so far in the show,
A) neither Lance nor Pietro have shown any kind of sexual interest in Rogue. Quite the opposite in fact, as Pietro seems to have a different date every night, and Lance spends his time trying to get with Kitty. The Brotherhood also has a very healthy respect for Rogue's powers, controlled or otherwise, and no amount of hormones is going to make them forget that she can knock them out with a touch if they get fresh with her.
B) Fred is not the sort to pass out from shock. In fact, it usually seems to take a while for him to process anything, much less be shocked by it. Toad is exitable, but he also doesn't faint from shock. He is somewhat intimidated by Rogue, and any romantic/sexual interest is reserved for Wanda only.
C) I very much doubt that Tabitha is the only Bisexual in all of Bayville. Very few people go shouting their preferences to the world, but I'm sure that there is at least one other person who is either Gay or Bi in the town. Furthermore, there is evidence in the comics and even a few hints in Evo. that Mystique was romantically involved with Destiny, also female. Since she also has two biological sons (Kurt Wagner and Graydon Creed) it is safe to say that she is Bisexual.

Seventh, Rogue is an X-Man, and considering that they run into trouble on an almost weekly basis, any strange noises, especially when she is home alone, would be investigated and probably beaten to a pulp if it turned out to be an intruder. Plus, she was raised by Mystique, a terrorist and former assassin. Do the math.

Eighth, Thank you for explaining that Rogue has been working with the Professor and nearly has control. However, "nearly" is not "Total control". Rogue's powers have given her enough trouble that she would want total and fully confirmed control before she would even hold someone's bare hand, never mind jump in the sack with them.

Ninth, Your description of a sex scene is pathetic. Sorry to be blunt, but it is. As I said earlier, Rogue has shown interest in Scott and maybe Gambit. She has shown nothing but occasional friendship and extreme annoyance with the Brotherhood as a whole. She is also portrayed as someone who enjoys her privacy, and certainly not someone who jumps the first person who grabs her bum.
Also, Tabitha may or may not be Bisexual, but to all appearences, Rogue is strictly Hetrosexual, with purely MALE love interests, and doesn't even seem to get along with Boom-Boom. Any flirting or come-on's from Tabby would be met with a biting remark and either a punch or a bitch-slap, painful and with powers ON!

Tenth, Have you ever been introduced to the concept of a plotline. Actually, I'd even settle for a passing glance. You have a bunch of characters with very little known interest in each other walking up and immediatly having sex in an EXTREMLY unlikely setting. Even PWP (Porn Without Plot) would have a very hard time covering this.

OVERALL SUMMARY: Take this down, go over it, get several betas to help you, and think twice before posting it again. If you want more opinions from fan writers as to the overall quality, remove the more blatent sex scenes and try the "M" rating on fanfiction.net. Until then, I have to say that your writing is an embaressment to everyone else who is writing more believable stories.

Oh, and incase you were wondering, this is constructive critisism. If I wanted to leave a flame, I would be a lot nastier and your computer would probably set itself on fire.
Feel free to delete this if you can't take people being honest about the quality of your writing, but remember that a good writer takes the negitive reviews with the good, and listens to the advice in both. Deleting reviews just shows immaturity.

Vanerina
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From ANON - Catie on November 17, 2005
Good idea. But could use a lot of work!
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From ANON - Chelle10412 on October 12, 2005
I enjoyed the story. Can't wait to read more of it.
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From ANON - kyoslover on July 11, 2005
I LOVE IT! ROGUE AND PIETRO R MY FAV EVOLUTION PAIRING. KUDOS!
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From ANON - Psychotol on September 04, 2004
I'm surprised you're not having them use their powers to enhance the experience, since Lance could have used his power to shake Rogue and Tabithas genitals like one of those concrete vibrators, and Rogue, in control of her powers, could have taken on Pietro and Lances powers (I can't imagine her having a sexual use for Tabitha's ability, unless Rogue's a pyromaniac)

It's interesting though, keep writing.
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From ANON - badme+ on September 03, 2004
thank u for updating love the story
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From ANON - Foof 76 on September 02, 2004
HOT!!!! Very hot! I'm glad you added the extra chapter. I love Rietro fics, almost as much as Rogan ones. This was sexy, keep up the good work.

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From ANON - SilentInquisiton on March 29, 2004
Good job. *shrugs* Sorry I'm not very good at reviewing. I liked your choice of songs, and I liked the fact that you made Rogue have a sexy side without making her look like some kind of secret slut. You managed to add Tabby in there masterfully. Mostly I just wanted to tell you to update soon
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From ANON - lolita on March 19, 2004
This was a really cool start - I enjoyed the description of your writing it was very good - and I liked the plot, I think that it seemed a little rushed towards the end - but thay hay have been because I wanted to savour the situation! lol. Please write more, and as someone has already suggested have the Brotherhood, leave for a little while and have the Acolytes turn up - that right there would be GREAT reading lol.

Lita
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From ANON - MeowMix on March 17, 2004
Me love! Moooorrrrrre!
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From ANON - Lem� on March 13, 2004
Nice! Bring in the Acolytes and they can have a huge gang-bang! Keep it up!
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From ANON - W.X. on March 13, 2004
Tis ais a great fic! I'd love to see more of the same.
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