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Reviews for Fall of Angels

By : bluesunsetdreams
  • From RogueMudblood on February 02, 2013

    You have a lot of your/you're errors. It detracts from the story because I'm continually mentally correcting it. Some examples:

    Rogue threw up her hand, "Your as bad as him."

    One day when your old and can't get around

    You also have a lot of misspellings that a run through spell check could catch for you, and some basic grammar errors. I would suggest obtaining a beta to make this piece flow more smoothly. You can peruse the forum for those offering their services here:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    Now, I know from the comment you make Scott make that you're basing this in the movie storyline, however, you've chosen to introduce the characters as from the comics. It makes it very confusing, as these characters do not have the same accrued history. Several of the characters you've included don't even appear in the first movie (or any of the movies so far). The result is that the character interactions which you're including won't fit with the expected interactions from the canon movie characters because their relationships with each other, and consequently those people introduced into your story, do not mesh with their comic book counterparts.

    While I am a fan of the comics, and prefer that medium, if you're choosing to set the story in the movie universe, the characters you use should certainly stay true to that. It makes it difficult on me, as a reader, to give you a true review of your work given that you've seemingly transplanted the comics characters into the movie universe, as the story itself has then become AU to both worlds.

    I will also state that introducing so many new characters so early may detract from the tale itself. You have not only the new team of heroes, but an entirely new team of villains. By introducing seven new and untried heroes and an unknown quantity of experienced villains, you will need to be careful of creating Mary Sue and Anti-Sue characters.

    You mention at the end of chapter one that you have been roleplaying some of these characters; you might perhaps consider posting some stories showcasing these characters - establishing their interactions with each other, and giving them their own dynamic before introducing them as the next generation of X-Men. It would give us readers the opportunity to know your characters in settings outside of battle, to see them interact with each other, and even how they interact with their teachers. This will help us to better empathize with these new characters we're meeting.
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